In love with a commitment phobe..

[Rainbow199]

Hi all, kinda new to all this but have read some interesting threads and truthfully, for the first time in my life I am battling to come to terms with a breakup after 3 years. The short story is that I was caught off guard by the most amazing man, he was slightly younger than me but we just clicked in every sense of the word. After a year we moved in together and things could not have been better. He even made time for my child. However, about a year ago he just changed, literally overnight and I did everything in my power to help him. He is a classic commitment phobe and displayed every single sign and symptom that I have read about. In addition to this, he suffers depression (recently diagnosed) but is on medication for the past 6 months. The sad part is, that he realized he suffered these fears too late and had already moved to a new job in a new town ( he had tried to leave several times but always pulled out at the last minute, except this time he actually did it). I know he loves me, as he cried when he left and kept saying he couldn't believe he was such a selfish monster to hurt me like he has, he doesn't deserve to be happy and I deserve so much better because of everything I have done for him and for helping him and believing in him. The fact is, for a year he treated me like dirt and couldn't find fault with me so he used my child as his 'excuse" to get out of the relationship. So the bottom line is that here I am really battling to come to terms with the whirlwind that just happened. Its only been a week since he left and I tried to NC but its hard. I previously walked away from a marriage of 9 years with not much emotional strain but this has just torn me apart. I guess I just needed to put down my feelings to impartial people as my friends and family don't understand why I am not coping this time..

[Ajax]

Welcome to LS, Rainbow. Sorry you're going through this. My ex is a committment phobe as well, and I can say that getting over it is no walk in the park.

 

You mention that you left a 9 year marriage without the emotional struggle that this has caused you. Without knowing that situation, I will say that when it comes to committment phobic (CP) relationships, so much always feels unfinished. If in your marriage you tried your best to save it, and you both put your all into it, then I suspect you went away feeling that it was legitimately over.

 

A breakup with someone with CP can feel false, like they manufactured it, and that they didn't do all they could to save the relationship. For those of us who were dumped, it doesn't feel like the natural end of the relationship, and that's hard to get through.

 

There's a good book that a lot of us on LS have read called "He's Scared, She's Scared," by Steven Carter, about committment phobic relationships. It's a good read.

 

One of the things it says is that a big part of the reason someone with CP can walk away is that they believe that they can come back whenever they want. For your sake, don't play into this. I know that NC is one of the hardest things you can do, since you still care about him, but the more you talk to him and let him into your world, the longer it's going to drag on.

 

And here's what I really think you need to keep in mind:

 

The fact is, for a year he treated me like dirt and couldn't find fault with me so he used my child as his 'excuse" to get out of the relationship.

 

If he can treat you this way, then try to realize that you really do deserve better. For the sake of your child, you deserve someone who will treat you like a woman should be treated.

 

Take some time to greive the relationship. A week's really not that long, so don't beat yourself up. Keep posting on here if it helps. Stay strong* and you'll be fine!

 

 

*You don't have to be strong ALL the time.