6 months ago he cheated and left... now he's crying on my doorstep

[Rose T]

Dear fellow Loveshackers, I haven't been on here for a while, testament to how much this place helped me heal and move on from my break-up 6 months ago. But I haven't forgotten about you. I thought it was worth posting my story for those of you who are in a bad place at the moment.

 

Well, six months ago, at the start of December, I stumbled into the Emergency Room that is Loveshack after googling constantly to try and find some answers to my heartbreak. My boyfriend of 5 years had started an affair with a colleague and when I found out, throwing him out in a moment of clarity, he started seeing her. Three extremely difficult months followed. I was at the lowest point of my life, doubting everything I was, looking into myself and not particularly liking the person I saw. I cycled through all the stages of grief many times. I live in a foreign country, when I broke up with my boyfriend I only had about two friends in this city.

 

So this is what I did. I asked the two friends that I had to take me out. Then I started joining groups; expat groups in my city; I started going to church which has been amazing for meeting grounded and reliable people; I started going swimming to get back in shape and feel better about myself. January and February I also attempted NC / LC (not very successfully) and even heard from my ex, who told me he was "confused".

 

I battled on. 1 March I launched my real NC campaign: I had to get to 60 days to heal. March was a better month - I was travelling with work and that helped. I met people who I fancied (at last!) although nothing came of it. April was even better - I went on a few dates, a couple were really good, although things didn't work out; but I finally started to feel really attractive, that I really had something to offer again in a relationship, and get a good idea of the qualities I'm looking for in a partner. In my everyday life, I took care to listen to people more than I had in the past. I was more patient. I felt their pain. I realised that I had not always been respectful of people's loneliness in the past; now I understood it.

 

Last week, I got an email from my ex, asking how I was, if I'd found love, that he was thinking of me. I'd far exceeded my 60 day NC target, so I finally had the courage to write back. I said: "I was clearing out a cupboard and I found some of your stuff that you didn't take with you. Please arrange a time to come and get it. You will need three large boxes and a car." That detachment felt really good.

 

So, Saturday he came round. I have never seen this man cry in 5 years of a relationship, but there he was, crying in my hallway. I showed him his stuff and he started to pack up. I went into the other room and opened my computer as a distraction. And there was an email from him, which started "I hope you read this when I'm gone". The email was about all the wrong choices he has made, how he will have to look for a new job as his relationship didn't work out, how he misses me every day and when he tries to justify what he did he can actually find no flaws in me. That he is sorry every day that he ruined everything.

 

I went back into the other room and said, "I read your email". He just nodded and looked in pain. I said, "don't be sad. These things happen for a reason. We had some good years together. I learned a lot from you, and I forgive you." He hugged me and cried some more. Then he left with all his stuff and as the door closed, I felt an enormous sense of relief. I really had forgiven him. I really was happy to be single. I really am excited about the future and my break-up was an amazing experience in some ways: it changed me for the better. My behaviour with everyone in my life has improved. It could have left me bitter, but it made me more kind.

 

Please, if you're hurting and you think you want them back, never ever settle for crumbs, for bad behaviour, never accept anything less than respect. No contact can be a guardian angel if you need to shut out the pain. And as Somerset Maugham wrote, "If you refuse to accept anything less than the best, you will very often get it."

[Shadowburn]

What a beautiful post, thank for you for taking the time to offer a hope to all heartbroken people out there who don't know how to make it through the very painful experience of breakup.

 

You sound like a wonderful, caring person who has so much to offer to the right person. I wish you all the very best xo

[Rose T]

What a beautiful post, thank for you for taking the time to offer a hope to all heartbroken people out there who don't know how to make it through the very painful experience of breakup.

 

You sound like a wonderful, caring person who has so much to offer to the right person. I wish you all the very best xo

 

 

Thanks Shadowburn, LS is an amazing resource and I spent many a dark evening pouring over these threads. Time gives you a lot of perspective but reading on here about boundaries, self respect and NC taught me volumes about how to cope with a difficult situation. They're all skills which I'm using as I date as well - they always remain useful!

 

The hardest and yet simplest thing I learned is that you really have to put yourself first in a relationship, after a manner of speaking, which many people find hard to do. It's counter-intuitive to a lot of people who enjoy giving in a relationship. But if you don't show yourself that self-love, if you don't take care of your dreams and the direction of your life, no-one else will.

[Exit]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad things are looking up for you. I'm one of the people who are so deep in the depression of the situation that I don't believe this will ever happen for me, but I guess part of me knows it will. I'll be fine. But right now I guess I just want to be sad.

[Rea333]

Rose, you are an inspiration. What a postive post to read.

 

And what a remarkably strong person you are to not want him back. I think in those circumstances I don't know if I would have been so strong.

 

I know exactly what you mean about your break up making you more patient. I feel the same way too. I should be so bitter after all I've been through in my past relationships, but I feel empathy for those fellow broken-hearted souls out there and having been here before, I know this too shall pass. I'm only 3 months in, and there's been no contact during this period (all but the first week of why why whys?!) I have to say NC is the way forward and I know I feel better at this stage in 3 months than I did with my previous break up at 9 months. All thanks to you lovely people on here and maintaning NC.

 

Thanks once again for your lovely post x

[J0N]

Thats inspiring. I guess people aren't kidding when they preach that NC and time are the only way to get over somebody. You seem like a strong person, way to go. Either a guy respects you 100% or you should not have to put up with it. I am sure that because of this whole ordeal you are now a lot better off and will find somebody who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

[marqueemoon4]

its a sign of strength she doesn't want him back? oh wait, he cheated on her, nvm.

[Rose T]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad things are looking up for you. I'm one of the people who are so deep in the depression of the situation that I don't believe this will ever happen for me, but I guess part of me knows it will. I'll be fine. But right now I guess I just want to be sad.

 

Exit, it's all in your hands. I know that's easy for someone else to say but you have to focus on yourself now, that's the most important project you have. You will get through this and you have complete freedom to decide how you emerge from this situation. Hang on in there. There will be better days, occasional ones at first, and then they'll start lining up in a row for you.

[Rose T]

I know exactly what you mean about your break up making you more patient. I feel the same way too. I should be so bitter after all I've been through in my past relationships, but I feel empathy for those fellow broken-hearted souls out there and having been here before, I know this too shall pass. I'm only 3 months in, and there's been no contact during this period (all but the first week of why why whys?!) I have to say NC is the way forward and I know I feel better at this stage in 3 months than I did with my previous break up at 9 months. All thanks to you lovely people on here and maintaning NC.

 

I think a bad break-up is such a human, and such a humanising experience, that you really grow, whether you mean to or not. Time helps, but NC helps more, LOL! It wasn't that hard saying no to my ex. I mean, as Marqueemoon points out, he cheated. I saw my ex and I honestly didn't fancy him any more; I've also realised in the meantime that there were some aspects to his character which I put up with / ignored because I loved him, but they're things I'd want to avoid in a future partner. Now, I have to look at him as a potential future partner, even putting the cheating aside, I don't want him. I think I can do better.

[Rose T]

Thats inspiring. I guess people aren't kidding when they preach that NC and time are the only way to get over somebody. You seem like a strong person, way to go. Either a guy respects you 100% or you should not have to put up with it. I am sure that because of this whole ordeal you are now a lot better off and will find somebody who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

 

 

Jon thanks for your message! I sound strong now, but this is something I really had to construct over the past 6 months. I was in quite a co-dependent situation and felt so alone when he left. But I didn't want him to win, so I dug deep and started building a new network of friends. Finding a good partner won't be easy, either, but I've learned a lot.

[0hpenelope]

Rose, thank you for coming back to share that with us.

 

It's amazing, isn't it? Have you looked at your past threads? When I saw your post, I skimmed through the threads you started and boy... Such a turn around, ain't it?

 

As for your ex, only when Rose T's gone, bud. Only when she's gone. I genuinely feel bad for him.

 

I wish you much luck and success in everything you do!!! :bunny: Come back when you can!

[Rose T]

Penny! good to see you on my thread

 

I know, looking back at all that hurting, all those doubts, the massive blow to my self-esteem... I can't believe how far I've come. I mean, even in the early days I knew I'd never take him back, that much I believed. But to feel it and say honestly, that I am over that man, feels amazing.

 

Thanks to everyone on here for the support over the last six months. I will pop in from time to time! But what they say about the kindness of strangers is true. I have virtual friends on here I will never forget.

[Sugarkane]

Thanks for posting your story Rose T. I'm impressed with how you handled things with your ex. Don't know if I could do that. I envy you, what I wouldn't give to see my ex crying his eyes out! Its highly unlikely that it will happen though, not fair.

I wish you luck and success:laugh:

[Rose T]

Thanks for posting your story Rose T. I'm impressed with how you handled things with your ex. Don't know if I could do that. I envy you, what I wouldn't give to see my ex crying his eyes out! Its highly unlikely that it will happen though, not fair.

I wish you luck and success:laugh:

 

 

Sugarkane, it was really wierd. Imagining a situation like that, I thought I'd feel some sort of satisfaction... I actually felt sorry, for all the sorrow that had been caused on both sides. My ex was pretty callous 6 months ago when he was with me and being wanted so badly another woman... I think he felt sort of powerful. But these kinds of situations are so destructive and in the end we all learned important lessons.

[Rory12345]

Rose,

 

Your thread has made my day in all honesty. Really happy for you, well done.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Rose T]

Hey Rory, thanks for your kind words. I just read your last thread. So sorry for your pain. I was there and this thread is my way of saying that you will be happy again! Take care of yourself and your boundaries. You deserve happiness and love.

[melenkurion]

[...] and as the door closed, I felt an enormous sense of relief. I really had forgiven him. I really was happy to be single. I really am excited about the future and my break-up was an amazing experience in some ways: it changed me for the better. My behaviour with everyone in my life has improved. It could have left me bitter, but it made me more kind.

 

Please, if you're hurting and you think you want them back, never ever settle for crumbs, for bad behaviour, never accept anything less than respect. No contact can be a guardian angel if you need to shut out the pain. And as Somerset Maugham wrote, "If you refuse to accept anything less than the best, you will very often get it."

 

Rose, thank you so much for posting this. I'm just a little down today, and this has cheered me up no end. Not only does it sound like things are working out just great for you, you have some pretty practical suggestions there. Things are better for you now than they ever were before.

[Rose T]

Rose, thank you so much for posting this. I'm just a little down today, and this has cheered me up no end. Not only does it sound like things are working out just great for you, you have some pretty practical suggestions there. Things are better for you now than they ever were before.

 

Melen! thanks for your message. Well, yes, things are better in the sense that my life feels very real at the moment. I'm in control, as we perhaps only ever really are when we're single. I've seen some chinks of light - got to know a really interesting guy last month, it almost seemed too good to be true: smart, attractive, enormous fun to be with. Anyway, we dated four times, each one better than the last, but I ended up dodging a bullet as I found out he has a LDR girlfriend (even though he was totally leading me on) so I had to walk away! Went on a really "meh" date as well! So there are plenty of ups and downs. I'm also dreading the summer a bit as I have no holiday plans. But overall, as far as my break-up went, I have made massive progress. No complaints there. Hope you're doing well. I joined LS cos of your thread.

[Rory12345]

Cheers Rose!

 

It got slightly worse today but I'm alright about it.

 

I read yours everyday and it inspires me! Thank you.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Sugarkane]

Rose T reading your post and your progress, has made me feel more optimistic about things despite what happened.

[Nohbody]

Rose, darling, when I'm finally resolved I promise to come back and help others the way you have. Thanks so much, and I'm so happy for you to have come so far.

[Rose T]

Rose, darling, when I'm finally resolved I promise to come back and help others the way you have. Thanks so much, and I'm so happy for you to have come so far.

 

 

Thanks Nohbody! This is the end of one chapter for me... and the start of a new book. You'll be in a good place before you know it.

[Rea333]

Rose, I'm addicted to reading this thread and then read through all your other posts. You sound like such a kind-hearted soul.

 

I read your comment about dreading the summer because of not having a holiday to look forward to and I feel exactly the same way. I've always gone with my boyfriends or friends (who are now all hooked up) so unless I bite the bullet and do a solo trip with a specialised company, they'll be no holiday for me.

 

Since you're in Italy, isn't that one big holiday?! I work in Italy every three months and I love it.

[Rose T]

Thanks Rea333! You know, this has been both the worst six months of my life and the best. Go figure.

 

LOL, Italy is indeed beautiful and a fun country to live in! I was just used to spending summers with my ex. I will definitely make other plans though! And you know, I just have to find something cool to do with a couple of weeks in the summer. It's funny how psychologically I have been dreading it. I have to just reduce it to what it is - a couple of weeks. I'll try and catch up with some friends!

 

I am really happy I'm over my ex, but in danger of getting oneitis over this guy that has been chasing me but has a girlfriend. WTF! The landmines never stop coming, huh? Anyway, I'm just trying to keep my heart open and meet good people. When I'm truly emotionally available I'm sure it will happen.

[melenkurion]

Melen! thanks for your message. Well, yes, things are better in the sense that my life feels very real at the moment. I'm in control, as we perhaps only ever really are when we're single. I've seen some chinks of light - got to know a really interesting guy last month, it almost seemed too good to be true: smart, attractive, enormous fun to be with. Anyway, we dated four times, each one better than the last, but I ended up dodging a bullet as I found out he has a LDR girlfriend (even though he was totally leading me on) so I had to walk away! Went on a really "meh" date as well! So there are plenty of ups and downs. I'm also dreading the summer a bit as I have no holiday plans. But overall, as far as my break-up went, I have made massive progress. No complaints there. Hope you're doing well. I joined LS cos of your thread.

 

I'm sorry about the not-so-good guy you've been dating. But, from the sounds of it, you dealt with it just fine. You walked away, and you are handling the disappointments sensibly. I don't get any sense that they are overwhelming you. The fact that you are aware enough of the dangers to talk about "oneitis" says to me you are exactly where you should be. You can't be far from being truly emotionally available.

 

Thanks for asking. I am OK, really. I think the main trouble these days is that the natural ups and downs are felt just that bit more keenly than before. I had a great weekend, really enjoyed spending time in a group with friends new and old at a big event that takes place in my city. Once it was over, and I was back to the daily grind, I crashed down to earth quite badly. Being realistic, I can see I would have had that crash with my ex around, but I think less intensely.

 

I'm not constantly angry at my ex and my "friend" any longer. However, I do still get "bursts" of rage where something pops into my head and I get so angry with them --- or perhaps with myself, for putting up with so much. That's dying down, but more slowly than I would like. I don't think I could ever be as kind and considerate to him as you were, Rose. For now, I think the best I can ever hope for is to smile sweetly and say nothing.