hoggy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Hello everyone. I haven't posted on here before, though I trawl around from time to time and find the site very helpful. Now, after using all the strength I had to get over a very toxic marriage, and just as I was beginning to feel truly free of pain, i find myself in a very difficult situation...... Just a few days ago I fell in love with a good friend. It really was that sudden. I mean, it had been coming for a while, I realised my feelings were strong. But until a week ago, we hadn't met in person (this was my my 1st online experience), now he's been to stay with me and at some point, I realised how much he means to me. I love the bones of this guy. The problem? One of them: He sees me as just a friend. We WERE just friends before we met, even though we would contact each other by email, text, phone or chat every day, at least for the last month or so. We get on so well. We think the same about almost everything, even the little things, we say the same things at the same time, even finish each others sentences. I have no doubt, now, that he's my soulmate. I could feel this coming before we met but was loathe to admit it because things can be very different in "real life". But he was exactly the same, no surprises at all. But it turns out he had never thought of me that way and was visiting me purely as a friend. In fact he was quite surprised to discover I had 'hoped' he would be spending time in my bed. The first night he slept in the spare room. I felt rejected and confused. Then the bombshell...... In the morning, he told me he will be getting married in August!! He had not told me before, because he wanted to tell me to my face and as we were "just friends", he thought it OK to wait! Looking at it from his angle, I can see why he thought that. But if I'd known before, maybe I could have kept a lid on my feelings and just kept him as a lovely friend. He doesn't want to go through with the marriage, feels nothing for the girl but feels committed and says he will "make it work" , at least he'll give it 2 years and then decide if it's working or not. He has no intention of calling it off, because of me or because of anything., although the situation is making him ill with stress. We spent 4 nights together in my bed, every night except the first. We certainly seemed more than friends during those moments!! He said he does find me attractive, just he had not expected it, and his mind has been closed off to other women since he's known he'll be getting married. We met on a dating website, which is why I "somehow" got the idea he was open to finding a relationship....although to be fair, he HAd stated on his profile he was only looking for friends. I read that (stupid me?) as just being cool, cautious and non-sleazy. Personally I don't understand going on dating (or any other) sites for friends. But there you go, that was my first mistake. Now he's gone home; he lives about 650 miles away and we will probably not have another chance to meet before he goes to Sri Lanka to get married, then possibly bring his wife back to the Uk with him. I am finding it very hard to cope with my feelings, and am at a loss as to how to play it (not that I want to 'play' with him , as I respect him totally!) As far as he's concerned, we've gone back to being friends. We have e-mailed and chatted since he went. But I am devastated. I desperately don't want to lose his friendship, no matter how hard this feels. But I also believe that, given time, he would come to see that we are perfect for each other. He recognises we have so much in common and are so alike. He obviously likes me loads and we are so relaxed and comfortable around each other, always laughing and talking about absolutely everything. I've never known a relationship like it. I simply can't believe he is blind to the glaringly obvious! He says he COULD say no to this wedding, just he won't, out of loyalty, and the facts it's "gone too far". I feel I have 2 major problems here: The wedding (obviously) and the fact he still sees me as just a friend, or at least is trying to. I have about a month in which to let him know exactly how I feel and give him the chance to alter the course of our lives. I have no idea how to go about this without losing his friendship and alienating him altogether. Obviously he now knows I was hoping for more than friends when he came to visit me but I think he has told himslef I'm now happily accepting of the situation. I have tried to be, but find I can't turn back the clock and pretend that nothing has happened. I've waited all my life for this person, and right now I'd rather gouge my eyes out than let him go, but I don't know if I can handle being just another one of his friends if he does go ahead with the wedding. And quite apart from that I hate seeing him throwing his life away like this (and hers, actually; apparently she knows he doesn't care for her. I realise this is fairly normal in arranged marriages); he's been in the UK for years and is very British in many ways. He is so miserable now over the whole thing and it's only going to get worse! I know I can't begin to understand fully what happens inside another culture and I do respect his decision, except I know how ill the situation is making him with stress and I think he - and I, and his future wife - has a right to happiness. How best to handle it? How to phrase it? And when? Or should I just back off completely and hope he comes to the decision I'm hoping for all by himself (but realise he won't)? Anyone else had any experience like this? Advice, please......!! (BTW I'm 49 and he's 38, his wife-to-be is mid 30's so no naive spring chickens here!!) Thanks for reading, guys xx Link to post Share on other sites
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