hoggy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Hello all, this is my first post here and i'm hoping someone might be able to offer some advice for the tricky situation I've found myself in.... Just a few days ago I fell in love with a good friend. It really was that sudden. I mean, it had been coming for a while, I realised my feelings were strong. But until a week ago, we hadn't met in person (my 1st online experience), now he's been to stay and at some point, I realised how much he means to me. I love the bones of this guy. The problem? One of them: He sees me as just a friend. We WERE just friends before we met, even though we would contact each other by email, text, phone or chat every day, at least for the last month or so. We get on so well. We think the same about almost everything, even the little things, we say the same things at the same time, even finish each others sentences. I have no doubt, now, that he's my soulmate. I could feel this coming before we met but was loathe to admit it because things can be very different in "real life". But he was exactly the same, no surprises at all. But it turns out he had never thought of me that way and was visiting me purely as a friend. In fact he was quite surprised to discover I had 'hoped' he would be spending time in my bed. The first night he slept in the spare room. I felt rejected and confused. Then the bombshell...... In the morning, he told me he will be getting married in August!! He had not told me before, because he wanted to tell me to my face and as we were "just friends", he thought it OK to wait! Looking at it from his angle, I can see why he thought that. But if i'd known before, maybe I could have kept a lid on my feelings and just kept him as a lovely friend. He doesn't want to go through with the marriage, feels nothing for the girl but feels committed and says he will "make it work" , or give it 2 years and then decide if it's working or not. He has no intention of calling it off, because of me or because of anything, even though it is making him ill with stress and he feels like an idiot. We spent 4 nights together in my bed, every night except the first. We certainly seemed more than friends during those moments!! He said he does find me attractive, just he had not expected it, and his mind has been closed off to other women since he's known he'll be getting married. Now, looking back I'm not sure if he was with me just because he knew I'd been hoping for it and he was trying to be "nice", or if he actually wanted it..... Now he's gone home; he lives about 650 miles away and we will probably not have another chance to meet before he goes to Sri Lanka to get married, then possibly bring his wife back to the Uk with him. I am finding it very hard to cope with my feelings, and am at a loss as to how to play it (not that I want to 'play' with him , as I respect him totally!) As far as he's concerned, we've gone back to being friends. We have e-mailed and chatted since he went. But I am devastated. I desperately don't want to lose his friendship, no matter how hard this feels. But I also believe that, given time, he would come to see that we are perfect for each other. He recognises we have so much in common and are so alike. He obviously likes me loads and we are so relaxed and comfortable around each other, always laughing and talking about absolutely everything. I've never known a relationship like it. I simply can't believe he is blind to the glaringly obvious! But time is one thing we don't have. He says he COULD say no to this wedding, just he won't, and he is burying his head in the sand. he says he just wants to get bit over with and go back to his "normal" life. I feel I have 2 major problems here: The wedding (obviously) and the fact he still sees me as just a friend. I have about a month in which to make sure he understands the way i truly feel. I have no idea how to go about this without losing his friendship and alienating him altogether. It will be a risk, but I will always regret it if I don't give it this one chance. (He knows my feelings are strong but I think he now believes I've accepted everything and am happy to go back to how we were before. But I feel I can't. I wish I could. Because like I've said, his friendship meant so much to me) And quite apart from that I hate seeing him throwing his (and her) life away like this. I know arranged marriages can work if both people are determined but this seems such a waste when there is no feeling there and they have nothing in common (he tells me) How best to handle it? What to say to him, and when? And what to do in the meantime.....step back and see what happens? Keep chatting to him as friends? Make it clear something has changed??? Has anyone else experieneced something similar? Advice, please......!! (BTW I'm 49 and he's 38, his wife-to-be is mid 30's so no naive spring chickens here!!) Thanks for reading, guys xx Link to post Share on other sites
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