this is tough

[Jim]

well i fell like i should move on from the girl that i feel that i am in love with since i just found out about some recent developments. anyways i was gonna tell her about my strong feelings for her when i finally found out that she and her ex had finally said they were through, but then i discovered that the other evening here and a new interest she has from work went out drinkin after work and ended up making out, so even though as crushed as i was to hear this, i think it may for the better. she is a friend of mine so i see and talk to her everyday, but lately i am just trying to avoid her--(i dunno is this good?). but the main problem i have is, it takes me forever to start up a relationship thanx to past rejections. i am glad to say that i have met a new girl that i am really startin to like but i have only talked to her online, i havent really said anything to her when i see her at school, so any ideas on how to overcome this shyness with girls? any and all responses would be good..

[Paulie]

Look for my respons tomorrow, I'm going to bed now. I'll have a COMPLETE answer to you about this tomorrow. I guarantee my answer will help you, so make sure you look!

[Tony T]

Yeah, I think I'll answer tomorrow too. I nice, soft bed and a good night's sleep sounds good to me now too. Hope you can wait until tomorrow!!!

[Tony T]

Well, I got a good night's sleep, thank you!

 

First, let me say that this if this girl you were interested in can go out and date so soon after a break-up, she is either very superficial, very insincere, or cared very little for the guy she had been dating. You were lucky enough to see what she was all about and you certainly don't need to continue thinking about her.

 

As for shyness, that sort of goes hand in hand with confidence and self esteem. Now a lot of girls are very attracted to a shy guy initially, but if he stays that way and doesn't show some serious confidence, he will get shot out of the water.

 

You, yourself, have to dip into your mind and find out exactly why you have these feelings of shyness. Then you have to do something about them. If you just can't bring yourself to walk up to ladies and introduce yourself, then find a friend who will do it for you. The very best way to meet girls is to have your friends introduce you to ones they know who they think you might like.

 

There are so many millions of ways of meeting people...but your shyness does not serve you well so you need to cure it. You may want to get some professional help with this if you are unsuccessful. There are also some good books on overcoming shyness, read them. But in this forum, it is very difficult to advise you on this without asking you lots of questions and getting into your head. Shyness is cause by so many things. Some people are just naturally that way and grow out of it with time. Sometimes it's a social phobia and must be dealt with accordingly.

[Paulie]

OK, I want to answer Jim's question to the best of my ability, so in order to do that, I'm going to be a little blunt, and completely open with him about how I finally came to have NO PROBLEM approaching women, wherever I am. This is just my experience, but I too used to be very shy, and petrified to approach women, for fear of rejection, or whatever. This is, however, just my experience.

 

When I was in college was when it really turned around. Basically, I would just get SO PISSED at myself for not approaching women at parties, bars, in class, etc, that I would get up the resolve during the week that I was gonna do a little more the next week in the way of talking to women. YOU just have to get up the sack to GO DO IT. Remember...women certainly do approach men, even alot at times. But I believe that it's somewhat more (in our culture at least) still a MAN's job to initiate contact.

 

Furthermore, I'd look around campus, and look at the pieces of crap that some wonderful, beautiful women found attractive. I took the time, during my quiet moments during the week (when I was getting pissed at myself for not talking to girls) to take a good look in the mirror, and realize that not only did I have more to offer these women than many other guys, but I had ALOT MORE.

 

If you feel inadequate, about your looks, etc., there's NOTHING WRONG with trying to look better. While you don't want to be a superficial loser, there's nothing wrong with getting a haircut, buying some new shirts, asking girl-friends to do some shopping with you, working out--and I found working out to be an EXTREMELY powerful confidence booster. You just feel like that's one more thing you can bring to the table (a good body)...and the superficial things are easy to develop, but develop them you should, as long as you don't begin to exude superficiality. But there's nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance.

 

Furthermore, learn to take subtle flirting cues from women. Women are, by nature, more subtle, more subtly expressive and communicative than we are. Learn to pick up on these cues, and learn to flirt back. It can be quite fun and challenging...and somewhat difficult at first, but you'll get the hang of it.

 

You need to overcome the fear of rejection. Frankly, I've dated many very attractive women in my life (they usually screw me over...and that's why I'm looking for a NICE girl right now) but more often than not, you'll find that even the most successful of guys get shot down...often. You just need to be persistent. Not pushy, rude, or an arrogant sleaze loser, but just keep truckin'. I want to be with women that want to be with me, so if I get shot down, no sweat. Here's a key idea...talk to women all the time..just as a personable guy. If They're rude, or think you're hitting on them, that's their problem. If they're nice, polite, talk to them more..just as friends. Do that to enough women, before you know it, you'll have more than enough women around you that know you, and more than likely, some are flirting with you.

 

By that time, you'll be in alot better position than I'm guessing you're in right now. I don't ask a girl out unless I'm getting good vibes from them already, and I'm guessing that if you take my advice, you'll certainly be getting vibes.

 

Need more advice...just ask!

[Nina]

I agree with Paulie.

 

My fiance, before I met him, was a lot like you are (from what he tells me). For years he went dateless because he was too shy to approach women, even though I think he's extremely attractive and witty and funny and sweet.

 

He finally got sick of it and started lifting weights. He spent a lot of time and energy on it, for months, and he even had a notebook with measurements and dates of his thighs and biceps and blah blah blah. He said it was that working out that really boosted his confidence. He did this spring and summer semesters (6 months) and immediately met me!

 

I love him best of all the men I've been with (I've been with many more men than he has with women) because he was shy, so he's very thoughtful and attentive. It makes for a good man, when he's been hurt before and knows how to treat a woman.

 

I think you'll probably have the same advantages. I was crazy about him from the moment I met him, he seemed so confident in himself. That really is the most attractive thing about men, at least for me and a lot of women I know.