To Those With Hope

[Anna101]

Although I am now on the 'other side' of the affair, I was the other woman and will not ignore the beginnings of how our relationship came about.

 

A lot of the 'post affair' posts on here are from those women where it did not work out, and so those who are all hopeful and happy ignore those because part of it is believing you are 'different'.

 

So, I am someone where it did work out for me. I got the man. We're happy. There are no trust issues. His family know all but accepted me. His kids know but accepted me. His wife was nice to me. Etc Etc.

 

But while this is all the good stuff, I need you to REALLY REALLY understand that what you are hoping for is going to really really hurt someone else. If you get what you want, they lose their loved one. Your man? He is going to grieve for his lost marriage because no matter HOW the marriage has become, 'attachment' to their life and a spouse they once or still love is still strong. No matter how much they love you, it is still going to shatter them and they are going to be in pain.

 

I understand wanting them. It is true that some affairs do work out, they do leave. IF they didn't, there'd no betrayed spouse forums with sad endings for a marriage. But there is still a LOT of pain involved no matter how good the outcome.

 

You will hurt because he hurts and because no matter how you want to think of it, you are one of the reasons for that hurt. He is too of course.

 

His wife will suddenly become a real person, not just a theoretical object that blocks all your plans. You will realise you are hurting a real person, you are one of the people involved in shattering her world, and even if it's true they aren't 'in love' anymore, they were once and it is still going to hurt like a bitch. You will probably find out she's even pretty nice....

 

If he has kids, you just contributed to changing their entire lives. Most will cope fine, but just like him, you need to put them first a lot now too.

 

You will probably find out that while most of the things he told you are true, some aren't. Even if he was faithful to you physically (mine was), to do this he would have had to keep her happy and non suspicious in other ways. He had to lie to you, sometimes because it really was for your benefit and other times because he was juggling two women. He probably felt bad about it, but the chances of *everything* he told you being true isn't high. Accept that a few lies happened as a result of the situation.....thats just how it is. It doesn't ultimately change anything.

 

The affair IS the easy part when it works out. Yeah the stress goes away, you no longer have to wait for his calls. It is AMAZING to be able to go to parties and be introduced as his partner and no longer have to hide. But it takes work, and a huge amount of trust and a bigger amount of understanding. He might change his mind a few times, he might cry and grieve over the loss of a wife you didn't think he cared about. He's lost his LIFE, and even though he made that happen it won't stop it hurting. You're going to have to ironically, take a backseat again and stand there and watch him grieve the loss of someone else.

 

Really REALLY think about if you want him. Because if he leaves for you, it's on you. Yeah on these forums they always say not to leave for anyone else, but they do. Most have been married for years and don't want to leave enough to lose their house, kids, and finances unless there is something better out there. It's a big strain on a NEW relationship (and yep, you start allll over!) so you have to really be committed.

 

You have to trust him. If you think you do now, you will rethink it when he's all yours anyway. It has to be a conscious decision to trust someone that you've WITNESSED lying and deceiving someone they have loved for sometimes years on end. It can be done, and many times it SHOULD be done because the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' cliche is just that, a cliche, not always true. But as much as you trust him now, the stakes aren't as high. He's not yours and deep down you know he could be lying about some things. When he IS yours you will feel differently.

 

So yeah, it can 'work out' in the end, for you. Just remember that this part, this part of waiting for the phone call and only getting to see him when he's available...it's hard. But it will get a hell of a lot harder and then you will really have to face what you are hoping for.

[whichwayisup]

This is a great post. I hope others learn from it and take in what you've said.

 

You have a kind heart and it's nice to read that you care.

[Anna101]

Thanks Anna for a glimpse to the other side. A rarely seen experience for most. I'm happy things worked out for you, but did they really? Was it worth it? I'm not being cruel, just curious. I think you made it to a place most don't and believe your insight and personal truth are insightful.

 

WN

 

 

Honestly? Yeah things did work out. Obviously I know that no relationship is guaranteed to last but we have no more problems than anyone else and in all honesty the 'beginnings' haven't ruined it. I can't say it wasn't worth it as we have a baby and so I'd go through it a hundred times just for him, but that doesn't mean I'm sugar coating how awful it can be and that I wish it had started differently.

 

As much as I hate to say this because it goes against what is 'best' for most and the standard 'line' on forums - I believe that it partly worked out better because it DID all come out. There is no lying anymore at all, EVERYONE knows we had an affair. The kids know, his wife knows, his parents know and same on this side etc. We owned it, owned what we'd done, and they kind of 'let it go'. I believe (but can't know) that if he'd left and it was still all a secret, that we'd still feel like we were hiding things and being dishonest. I do think the advise to not tell the wife is true in general, it *does* only hurt people, but....do you get what I mean? Sometimes honesty is horrible at first and frankly on a trivial level it was downright embarrassing to have everyone know, but I feel everyone including her has moved on because they know all of the truth and are comfortable that they KNOW the truth.

[Silly_Girl]

I agree with you regarding the honesty. My bf's wife knows exactly how long we were seeing each other, and his family know how long the relationships overlapped too. I'm happier with that, to start with those foundations.

[daisy love]

Thank you! I am going to print this out. I am going to read it to my love to.

Anna, what would you have done differently in the D process?

[Breezy Trousers]

Although I am now on the 'other side' of the affair, I was the other woman and will not ignore the beginnings of how our relationship came about.

 

A lot of the 'post affair' posts on here are from those women where it did not work out, and so those who are all hopeful and happy ignore those because part of it is believing you are 'different'.

 

So, I am someone where it did work out for me. I got the man. We're happy. There are no trust issues. His family know all but accepted me. His kids know but accepted me. His wife was nice to me. Etc Etc.

 

Yes, there are affairs that turn into marriages. No argument there.

 

But while this is all the good stuff, I need you to REALLY REALLY understand that what you are hoping for is going to really really hurt someone else. If you get what you want, they lose their loved one. Your man? He is going to grieve for his lost marriage because no matter HOW the marriage has become, 'attachment' to their life and a spouse they once or still love is still strong. No matter how much they love you, it is still going to shatter them and they are going to be in pain.

 

It's a good sign that your husband is grieving, Anna. There are MM out there who do not grieve. They lack empathy for others and use OW as a form of narcissistic supply, not for love. As difficult as your situation is, consider it a blessing. If he didn't grieve, you'd be in deep trouble, IMO.

 

I understand wanting them. It is true that some affairs do work out, they do leave. IF they didn't, there'd no betrayed spouse forums with sad endings for a marriage. But there is still a LOT of pain involved no matter how good the outcome. .

 

Good point. Some do leave. Time eventually proves whether it was true love or intense love fog that was the foundation of the new marriage.

 

An expert on infidelity, Frank Pittman, believes that 90 percent of all divorces is due to infidelity, whether the BS knows it or not. If Pittman is right, and if 1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce ...well, doing the math isn't too encouraging for any of us here, at any age, is it?

 

The statistical odds for each successive marriage -- #2, #3, etc. -- succeeding grow increasingly worse.

 

I think it's more dangerous when someone blames their unhappiness on the first marriage and goes into a second marriage expecting a fairytale. Doesn't sound like that's your experience. Sounds like you and your husband are working hard.

 

You will hurt because he hurts and because no matter how you want to think of it, you are one of the reasons for that hurt. He is too of course.

 

His wife will suddenly become a real person, not just a theoretical object that blocks all your plans. You will realize you are hurting a real person, you are one of the people involved in shattering her world, and even if it's true they aren't 'in love' anymore, they were once and it is still going to hurt like a @#!*% . You will probably find out she's even pretty nice....

 

If he has kids, you just contributed to changing their entire lives. Most will cope fine, but just like him, you need to put them first a lot now too..

 

You will probably find out that while most of the things he told you are true, some aren't. Even if he was faithful to you physically (mine was), to do this he would have had to keep her happy and non suspicious in other ways. He had to lie to you, sometimes because it really was for your benefit and other times because he was juggling two women. He probably felt bad about it, but the chances of *everything* he told you being true isn't high. Accept that a few lies happened as a result of the situation.....thats just how it is. It doesn't ultimately change anything...

 

The lying is a big red flag. I respect your happiness but want to point out that you are still in the very early stages of a relationship. My husband's infidelity didn't begin until we were in the 7th year (yeah - another dumb cliche turned true -- the classic "7 year itch"). He had no prior history of cheating. Like you and your husband, we were madly in love, too. I knew the affair was just a mistake. We went into therapy and moved on. A few years later, I found out about a second affair.

 

Lying absolutely does matter in all relationships.

 

It's not just serial cheating that's the issue. Serial monogamy -- marriage every 10 years or so -- is common and is often due to repeat cheating. Although it's repeat cheating, it's usually not referred to as serial cheating because the successive cheating is with one person/one serious affair which ends up in a marriage. Serial monogamists tend to do really well in the early years of the relationship but have a problem sustaining it for more than a decade and turn to affairs to pull them into the next relationship.

 

You'll have to walk the same tightrope I walk in my marriage. Maintaining the delicate balance of not being hypervigilant & paranoid and yet keeping both eyes open and not denying the possibility that your husband -- a former cheater -- could cheat again. So stay awake, but keep it light.

 

The affair IS the easy part when it works out. Yeah the stress goes away, you no longer have to wait for his calls. It is AMAZING to be able to go to parties and be introduced as his partner and no longer have to hide.

 

Your comment about parties struck me though. You're lucky. Not everyone is so lucky. The brother of my sister-in-law left his wife (in the 8th month of pregnancy with their third daughter) to be with OW. He got his OW pregnant, so they divorced their spouses and married less than 2 years of meeting. They've been married four years now and have two children of their own, but they had to move three hours away from their hometown because there was too much judgment there. Family gatherings are awkward and painful. The wife and daughters from the first marriage are still struggling, and this has affected everyone, not just the married couple and BS --- aunts, uncles, grandparents. The affair certainly had to be the fun part. I think they do love each other, and it's necessary, because the marriage looks terribly burdened.

 

But it takes work, and a huge amount of trust and a bigger amount of understanding. He might change his mind a few times, he might cry and grieve over the loss of a wife you didn't think he cared about. He's lost his LIFE, and even though he made that happen it won't stop it hurting. You're going to have to ironically, take a backseat again and stand there and watch him grieve the loss of someone else.

 

Really REALLY think about if you want him. Because if he leaves for you, it's on you.

 

If he blamed BS for his unhappiness, then you're absolutely right. It will be on you. Another cliche: How they treat the last one is always how they'll treat you.

 

However, if MM took full responsibility, maybe not. I imagine you may feel the burden is on you, though, after witnessing the shock waves.

 

Yeah on these forums they always say not to leave for anyone else, but they do. Most have been married for years and don't want to leave enough to lose their house, kids, and finances unless there is something better out there. It's a big strain on a NEW relationship (and yep, you start allll over!) so you have to really be committed.

 

Yep.

 

You have to trust him. If you think you do now, you will rethink it when he's all yours anyway. It has to be a conscious decision to trust someone that you've WITNESSED lying and deceiving someone they have loved for sometimes years on end. It can be done, and many times it SHOULD be done because the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' cliche is just that, a cliche, not always true. But as much as you trust him now, the stakes aren't as high. He's not yours and deep down you know he could be lying about some things. When he IS yours you will feel differently.

 

So true.

 

I used to be one of the people who said "once a cheater, always a cheater" was a tired, old cliche, too. I agree, it's not always true. But I learned from experience that once someone crosses the line of infidelity, it does become easier to cross it again.

 

Anna, you're still in the early stages of a new relationship. If you write 10 years from now that there has been no infidelity in your marriage -- and I sincerely hope you never have to go through what most BS go through -- I will cheer! Until then, I'm just happy for you. I can't cheer just yet. (But I feel that way about all marriages, not just marriages born out of affairs.)

 

So yeah, it can 'work out' in the end, for you. Just remember that this part, this part of waiting for the phone call and only getting to see him when he's available...it's hard. But it will get a @#!*% of a lot harder and then you will really have to face what you are hoping for.

 

You've given good advice. You sound like a kind, caring person. I wish you every happiness.

Edited June 1, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[Anna101]

Apologies BT but I am hopeless at quoting, so bear with me, hope below makes sense.

 

Yep of course, I agree. I suppose my point was more that infidelity is so common that as someone who 'participated' in it I'd be crazy to think my relationship is full proof, but oh the other hand I have to believe in my own trust otherwise there is no point.

 

I know he could cheat again, just like I know anyone out there could cheat. IMO he is a bit less likely to do so because frankly he coped worse than even I did and I'm a natural stress head myself....I seriously doubt he could 'handle' it even if he wanted to. Of course I would like to believe this isn't the reason, but I more than anyone know that circumstances can lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. I'm not surprised that everyone was shocked that he did it....he is not the 'type' people imagine.

 

Bottom line - I know he could do it, like I know anyone can, but all I can do is give as much to the relationship as I can and trust him.

 

Agree it's very early though and there may be issues further down the track. That's just reality. Relationships are hard work and those with a dodgy 'basis' like an affair are harder.

 

Re the lying - he admitted lying about a few things, most small but one that I consider large - he went to marriage therapy for 6 weeks. I had to forgive that and it took a while because it made me question everything else.

 

I also do know I am EXTREMELY lucky with how accepting his family have been. Heck his wife was nothing but nice to me as well face to face. I can honestly say that I sincerely doubt we'd be together if his family had made it incredibly hard. We've been able to have his kids and our boy be real siblings without so far, any nastiness from his wife. She's much stronger than I would have been.

[Beeotch]

Although I am now on the 'other side' of the affair, I was the other woman and will not ignore the beginnings of how our relationship came about.

 

A lot of the 'post affair' posts on here are from those women where it did not work out, and so those who are all hopeful and happy ignore those because part of it is believing you are 'different'.

 

So, I am someone where it did work out for me. I got the man. We're happy. There are no trust issues. His family know all but accepted me. His kids know but accepted me. His wife was nice to me. Etc Etc.

 

But while this is all the good stuff, I need you to REALLY REALLY understand that what you are hoping for is going to really really hurt someone else. If you get what you want, they lose their loved one. Your man? He is going to grieve for his lost marriage because no matter HOW the marriage has become, 'attachment' to their life and a spouse they once or still love is still strong. No matter how much they love you, it is still going to shatter them and they are going to be in pain.

 

I understand wanting them. It is true that some affairs do work out, they do leave. IF they didn't, there'd no betrayed spouse forums with sad endings for a marriage. But there is still a LOT of pain involved no matter how good the outcome.

 

You will hurt because he hurts and because no matter how you want to think of it, you are one of the reasons for that hurt. He is too of course.

 

His wife will suddenly become a real person, not just a theoretical object that blocks all your plans. You will realise you are hurting a real person, you are one of the people involved in shattering her world, and even if it's true they aren't 'in love' anymore, they were once and it is still going to hurt like a bitch. You will probably find out she's even pretty nice....

 

If he has kids, you just contributed to changing their entire lives. Most will cope fine, but just like him, you need to put them first a lot now too.

 

You will probably find out that while most of the things he told you are true, some aren't. Even if he was faithful to you physically (mine was), to do this he would have had to keep her happy and non suspicious in other ways. He had to lie to you, sometimes because it really was for your benefit and other times because he was juggling two women. He probably felt bad about it, but the chances of *everything* he told you being true isn't high. Accept that a few lies happened as a result of the situation.....thats just how it is. It doesn't ultimately change anything.

 

The affair IS the easy part when it works out. Yeah the stress goes away, you no longer have to wait for his calls. It is AMAZING to be able to go to parties and be introduced as his partner and no longer have to hide. But it takes work, and a huge amount of trust and a bigger amount of understanding. He might change his mind a few times, he might cry and grieve over the loss of a wife you didn't think he cared about. He's lost his LIFE, and even though he made that happen it won't stop it hurting. You're going to have to ironically, take a backseat again and stand there and watch him grieve the loss of someone else.

 

Really REALLY think about if you want him. Because if he leaves for you, it's on you. Yeah on these forums they always say not to leave for anyone else, but they do. Most have been married for years and don't want to leave enough to lose their house, kids, and finances unless there is something better out there. It's a big strain on a NEW relationship (and yep, you start allll over!) so you have to really be committed.

 

You have to trust him. If you think you do now, you will rethink it when he's all yours anyway. It has to be a conscious decision to trust someone that you've WITNESSED lying and deceiving someone they have loved for sometimes years on end. It can be done, and many times it SHOULD be done because the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' cliche is just that, a cliche, not always true. But as much as you trust him now, the stakes aren't as high. He's not yours and deep down you know he could be lying about some things. When he IS yours you will feel differently.

 

So yeah, it can 'work out' in the end, for you. Just remember that this part, this part of waiting for the phone call and only getting to see him when he's available...it's hard. But it will get a hell of a lot harder and then you will really have to face what you are hoping for.

 

Amazing post!

 

I really respect you for speaking so candidly about things.

 

My only question to you is, with that being said, do you feel like it was/will all be worth it? Do you truly feel there are no trust issues?

 

The bolded part rings really true for me in my former situation....you do accept lies, half-truths and withholding info as standard when in that situation, but it becomes a whole other ball game when he is yours totally and then the "normal rules" have to apply. You bend the normal standards of integrity to suit the purposes of your romance so then it becomes very strange now to expect them to return to normal. That paragraph confirms to me even more the idea that unavailability and commitment phobic issues play into such scenarios, for me included when I was in that position, as you really don't have all of that person and deep down you KNOW the relationship is limited and you don't have the same obligations, responsibilities and expectations that you would in a regular relationship....this touched so much on my own personal issues that I recently began to come to terms with and struck a chord that makes so much sense. Thanks!

Edited June 1, 2011 by Beeotch

[Anna101]

Anna, I've never been an OW, but that's got to be an incredibly useful post to read for any woman in an affair, regardless of where she is in the timeline.

 

Can you explain how your affair ended? Was there a D Day, did your partner leave of his own accord, did you leave him first?

 

 

He admitted everything to her and *she* kicked him out.

 

We broke up for 2-3 weeks or so and he seriously lost the plot, felt like he was losing everything etc.... We got back together when he calmed down and then we started from scratch, went out on dates, no commitment for long term etc.

[Silly_Girl]

Yep of course, I agree. I suppose my point was more that infidelity is so common that as someone who 'participated' in it I'd be crazy to think my relationship is full proof, but oh the other hand I have to believe in my own trust otherwise there is no point.

 

I know he could cheat again, just like I know anyone out there could cheat. IMO he is a bit less likely to do so because frankly he coped worse than even I did and I'm a natural stress head myself....I seriously doubt he could 'handle' it even if he wanted to. Of course I would like to believe this isn't the reason, but I more than anyone know that circumstances can lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. I'm not surprised that everyone was shocked that he did it....he is not the 'type' people imagine.

 

Bottom line - I know he could do it, like I know anyone can, but all I can do is give as much to the relationship as I can and trust him.

 

Wow. This makes so much sense to me. It's not often (if at all) I get to identify with posters here on this stuff. It's nice to read this and is very close to how I feel. My bf and I are both aware of what led to his circumstances and he actively is shirking the 'old ways' off and choosing to deal with things differently. And he also did not cope well emotionally, he felt like a different man when the secrecy part was over and he was living openly and honestly. And he HATED the hurt he caused his wife. Even though it's the right outcome that weighed on him (and me).

 

I don't feel I am any more at risk of being cheated on than any other woman in a new relationship. He was able to cheat 'easily' because they led semi-separate lives and had half-checked out of the marriage.

 

Thanks for posting Anna.

[Gentlegirl]

I knew everything you said from the beginning of the A.

 

I m 64 and x MM is 69.

 

We are both too old to start again.

 

It involves his wife, our respective kids , grandkids, finances, in fact both our lives would be shattered.

 

Ar our ages, I doul not ever see it working if he left. I would not want that.

 

Glad it is working out for you. I would have loved the same, but not ot be in this life time.

 

Gentlegirl

[Anna101]

Thank you.

 

So what made him admit everything to her? Did she find something out? Did he want to work on his marriage and thought being honest about everything was the only way to go?

 

He wasn't that courageous, heh....he was about to be find out, so confessed first.

[OWoman]

I'm glad things are working out for you, Anna.

[Breezy Trousers]

Apologies BT but I am hopeless at quoting, so bear with me, hope below makes sense.

 

Yep of course, I agree. I suppose my point was more that infidelity is so common that as someone who 'participated' in it I'd be crazy to think my relationship is full proof, but oh the other hand I have to believe in my own trust otherwise there is no point.

 

I know he could cheat again, just like I know anyone out there could cheat. IMO he is a bit less likely to do so because frankly he coped worse than even I did and I'm a natural stress head myself....I seriously doubt he could 'handle' it even if he wanted to. Of course I would like to believe this isn't the reason, but I more than anyone know that circumstances can lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. I'm not surprised that everyone was shocked that he did it....he is not the 'type' people imagine.

 

Bottom line - I know he could do it, like I know anyone can, but all I can do is give as much to the relationship as I can and trust him.

 

Agree it's very early though and there may be issues further down the track. That's just reality. Relationships are hard work and those with a dodgy 'basis' like an affair are harder.

 

Re the lying - he admitted lying about a few things, most small but one that I consider large - he went to marriage therapy for 6 weeks. I had to forgive that and it took a while because it made me question everything else.

 

I also do know I am EXTREMELY lucky with how accepting his family have been. Heck his wife was nothing but nice to me as well face to face. I can honestly say that I sincerely doubt we'd be together if his family had made it incredibly hard. We've been able to have his kids and our boy be real siblings without so far, any nastiness from his wife. She's much stronger than I would have been.

 

This makes good sense to me, especially hearing how his wife kicked him out.

 

Someone here recommended Steve Harvey's books, which I'm enjoying. Harvey says what my experience has shown me -- it's hard to believe, but most MM in affairs -- even the serial cheaters -- honestly don't expect any consequences and are shocked when consequences occur! (One guy kept hitting on me at the gym 12 years ago. He told me affairs were no big deal to his wife. When his wife threw him out two years later, he was walking around in a disbelieving daze. I felt sorry for him -- well, for a minute anyway .)

 

Being thrown out of a marriage can quickly show people the high cost of love affairs. It's what got my husband into Sex Addicts Anonymous 10 years ago. If he had not done this, I would have never stayed, and I'm sure he would have turned to OW when I left. (He probably would not have chosen to marry her, though. His opinion, not mine.)

 

It explains why this transition has been difficult for your husband. It also explains why BS is nice to you. She took control of the situation for herself. Also, sometimes the BS doesn't really want to be married anymore and the spouse having the affair is acting out the inner conflict for them. It doesn't excuse cheating, of course, but it can explain why BS are sometimes relieved, not angry, at the marriage ending.

 

I agree, your situation is probably less likely to end up in repeat infidelity than most situations here, Anna. Your realistic attitude is going to serve you well. I'm also glad that the family has embraced you. They sound like great people.

 

Congrats!

Edited June 1, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[swimmingfreely]

Thanks for telling your story so honestly and heartfelt..

[crazy love]

Hi Anna. I live that u took the time to post this. These are real concerns that i often ponder and wish i could bounce my questions off somebody whos been there. I love that u have kept it very real. Can i ask how l ask how long the "affair" part of ur R lasted and what spurred the D to actually happen?

[crazy love]

Love. Not live. That wld b strange right?!

[Anna101]

Hi Anna. I live that u took the time to post this. These are real concerns that i often ponder and wish i could bounce my questions off somebody whos been there. I love that u have kept it very real. Can i ask how l ask how long the "affair" part of ur R lasted and what spurred the D to actually happen?

 

We were in the affair hmm...I think it was around 2.5 years. At the time we lived reasonably far apart (2-3 hour drive) but saw each other around once a month and talked on the phone daily.

 

D being divorce or dday? She basically asked him outright if he was having an affair. It's a bit hard to explain everything without it being a bit TMI that I'm willing to share online, but basically a few weeks before this he had a talk to her about ending it. To be honest I didn't really believe at the time that this had happened but she confirmed it had later on. He was coping fine with ending it up until the time SHE decided she no longer wanted him, and then the fact he was losing his whole life, kids, house etc dawned on him and he wanted to go back.

 

If she HAD wanted him back, I think he would have gone, but I doubt it would have lasted much longer.

 

I've heard both 'versions' of their marriage now and all I can say is that the most important thing for any of us to remember is to *communicate*, no matter what kind of r/ship you're in.

[spice4life]

We were in the affair hmm...I think it was around 2.5 years. At the time we lived reasonably far apart (2-3 hour drive) but saw each other around once a month and talked on the phone daily.

 

D being divorce or dday? She basically asked him outright if he was having an affair. It's a bit hard to explain everything without it being a bit TMI that I'm willing to share online, but basically a few weeks before this he had a talk to her about ending it. To be honest I didn't really believe at the time that this had happened but she confirmed it had later on. He was coping fine with ending it up until the time SHE decided she no longer wanted him, and then the fact he was losing his whole life, kids, house etc dawned on him and he wanted to go back.

 

If she HAD wanted him back, I think he would have gone, but I doubt it would have lasted much longer.

 

I've heard both 'versions' of their marriage now and all I can say is that the most important thing for any of us to remember is to *communicate*, no matter what kind of r/ship you're in.

 

Communication is important! Thanks for posting your insights. I am sure they will help others through what must be a very tough process. I wasn't in your shoes in my situation but I would have found your thoughts and experiences helpful if I was.

[Carrot2000]

Do you think your husband has improved his communications skills since the D? (curious, no snark intended)

[Anna101]

Do you think your husband has improved his communications skills since the D? (curious, no snark intended)

 

 

Yes and no. I think half the problem was that they were both pretty quiet and non confrontational, so neither 'prompted' the other to talk about issues. He can be a bit of a martyr (just taking it all but he still has resentment) and expects people to just 'know' what's wrong, so that would have contributed too.

 

I'm a talker and I can't 'rest' if things aren't good, so we end up discussing everything. I think once he gets going he's fine and he has no problems talking about feelings/issues he just won't bring it up or initiate it most of the time.

 

If I was similar to them and didn't bring stuff up, I suspect we'd have the same problems for sure.

 

Their 'main' problem (that they both told me about) simply won't happen with us because I'm very different in that regard.

 

But still, if anything it taught me you should ALWAYS bring stuff up and then let it go. I heard both their versions of different 'events' that were issues in their marriage and geez, it was like two different events altogether! If he'd actually brought it up and talked, he probably would have realised she hadn't done xyz because of abc, but because of def, if you know what I mean.

 

Just talk to each other....say and show you love each other, be physically affectionate, and don't let things slide.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes and no. I think half the problem was that they were both pretty quiet and non confrontational, so neither 'prompted' the other to talk about issues. He can be a bit of a martyr (just taking it all but he still has resentment) and expects people to just 'know' what's wrong, so that would have contributed too.

 

I'm a talker and I can't 'rest' if things aren't good, so we end up discussing everything. I think once he gets going he's fine and he has no problems talking about feelings/issues he just won't bring it up or initiate it most of the time.

 

If I was similar to them and didn't bring stuff up, I suspect we'd have the same problems for sure.

 

Their 'main' problem (that they both told me about) simply won't happen with us because I'm very different in that regard.

 

But still, if anything it taught me you should ALWAYS bring stuff up and then let it go. I heard both their versions of different 'events' that were issues in their marriage and geez, it was like two different events altogether! If he'd actually brought it up and talked, he probably would have realised she hadn't done xyz because of abc, but because of def, if you know what I mean.

 

Just talk to each other....say and show you love each other, be physically affectionate, and don't let things slide.

 

Oh my word. It's so close to my reality it's quite shocking. Thank you. It's so nice to see someone else learning and experiencing the same stuff.

[Snowflower]

Hi anna, thanks for sharing your story and being so candid about it. I really respect that and I'm sure others here do too.

 

I think your story here has been one of the most normal, reasonable stories that I have ever read here on LS about a post-affair relationship working out.

 

I had a couple of questions, if you don't mind...and please feel free to tell me to butt out if you don't want to answer.

 

How long after the affair was discovered did they divorce? I ask because it is interesting to me that you referred several times to the BS as his "wife."

 

I'm assuming you are now married?

 

It's unusual that the BS is, as you say, so nice to you. Why do you think this is?

 

Is this your first marriage?

 

Please, I'm not calling you out. I was just curious was all.

[Anna101]

Sigh.

 

I knew someone couldn't resist getting nasty.

 

And they are now divorced, however it's a HABIT I have saying wife. That's what she is and was, even if it no longer legally. Only on here would that be such a big deal.

 

Good luck all.

[carrie999]

Sigh.

 

I knew someone couldn't resist getting nasty.

 

And they are now divorced, however it's a HABIT I have saying wife. That's what she is and was, even if it no longer legally. Only on here would that be such a big deal.

 

Good luck all.

 

There's always at least one, and this one joined last weekend and has been furiously posting barbs at everyone in this forum. Seriously...97 posts in less than a week? Ignore! Any attention you pay to this kind of behavior will be rewarded with more nastiness.

 

I'm happy for you, and I really appreciate your post. You must be having a really hard time right now. (((((Hugs)))))