confused

[jenny]

I'm really confused about my boyfriend's attitude towards me. I know he really love me, I can see it in his efforts but there are times when he gets angry with me & he can't control his temper. He had hit me once but after that he was more sincere to me & he proves that he is really sorry of what he did but then again when we fight he attemps to do things which I hated so like shouting at me, not letting me go and threatens me. I can't understand him but I know that he loves me so much. How I can I change him or if not how will I deal to him so that he won't hurt me?

[CJ]

First off you have to realize that you can't change him. He first has to accept the fact that his temper is hurting you. As much love and effort he shows, it is obvious that the anger effects you so much more. Love is one thing BUT respect is something so much more. You can love something with all your heart, but if you don't show respect to it, then the love is wasted. I would try to talk to him about his anger. If he sees that it is bothering you then maybe it will be a step in the right direction. If not, the abuse could get worse and the threats may become more. If he doesn't change then maybe distance from him could get him thinking. Remember, respect has to be there right onlong with love. Good Luck!

I'm really confused about my boyfriend's attitude towards me. I know he really love me, I can see it in his efforts but there are times when he gets angry with me & he can't control his temper. He had hit me once but after that he was more sincere to me & he proves that he is really sorry of what he did but then again when we fight he attemps to do things which I hated so like shouting at me, not letting me go and threatens me. I can't understand him but I know that he loves me so much. How I can I change him or if not how will I deal to him so that he won't hurt me?

[Christie]

Girl, get out of it at once!

 

You can never change a guy...and once he starts hitting you, there is only one way that it will develop into. More beating.

 

It only gets worse. Trust me on this. I know it is extremely painful to accept the fact that he is abusive and you might want to deny it by telling yourself that he loves you...but the sad reality is that he can never get better and you're the one that is getting hurt. Even though you love him and you don't want to "hurt" him by leaving him, he's the one who has the physical power to hurt you and he's been using it already. Do you really want to stay in such abusiveness?

 

The hardest thing is to realize that you're the one who actually is allowing him to hit you like that. You deserve better. Nobody, I MEAN NOBODY, has the right to EVER hit you.

 

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I'm really confused about my boyfriend's attitude towards me. I know he really love me, I can see it in his efforts but there are times when he gets angry with me & he can't control his temper. He had hit me once but after that he was more sincere to me & he proves that he is really sorry of what he did but then again when we fight he attemps to do things which I hated so like shouting at me, not letting me go and threatens me. I can't understand him but I know that he loves me so much. How I can I change him or if not how will I deal to him so that he won't hurt me?

[Stephen]

Girl, get out of it at once!

 

You can never change a guy...and once he starts hitting you, there is only one way that it will develop into. More beating. It only gets worse. Trust me on this. I know it is extremely painful to accept the fact that he is abusive and you might want to deny it by telling yourself that he loves you...but the sad reality is that he can never get better and you're the one that is getting hurt. Even though you love him and you don't want to "hurt" him by leaving him, he's the one who has the physical power to hurt you and he's been using it already. Do you really want to stay in such abusiveness?

 

The hardest thing is to realize that you're the one who actually is allowing him to hit you like that. You deserve better. Nobody, I MEAN NOBODY, has the right to EVER hit you. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Well, I contradict completely.

 

Love CAN change people. I've experienced this on my own. When my girl-friend and I quarreled she used to start throwing things after me and hit me four times. She doesn't any more.

 

I think we were lucky because it was HER to hit me and girls usually don't get such a bad conscience from hitting boys like it is vice versa.

 

Actually, I've changed myself, too. I worked out that I had to respect myself before I can expect others to respect me. If you don't have problems with self-respect then tell him you're willing to talk about the situations but not willing to be hit any more. But, again, think about yourself, too. Maybe you act a bit submissively, like I did. Maybe something else.

 

I hope both of you get happy again!

[Holly]

I'm really confused about my boyfriend's attitude towards me. I know he really love me, I can see it in his efforts but there are times when he gets angry with me & he can't control his temper. He had hit me once but after that he was more sincere to me & he proves that he is really sorry of what he did but then again when we fight he attemps to do things which I hated so like shouting at me, not letting me go and threatens me. I can't understand him but I know that he loves me so much. How I can I change him or if not how will I deal to him so that he won't hurt me?

I have a friend who was in the situation that you are in. You need to talk to someone close to you who can be there for you physically. I can promise you that things will only get worse if your boyfriend doesn't seek some kind of counselling. He needs some coaching with anger management. No woman deserves to be abused in a physical or mental way. Eventually what will happen is you will lose your self esteem and you will feel very trapped and alone. You cannot change someone. They must be willing to change themselves. It is common for a man to feel regret and remorse after striking his partner. That does not mean he will stop, because he doesn't know how to. In situations like these you cannot think with your heart. You need to be objective and look at the facts. If he loves you so much than why does he hurt you? When people are in relationships they are there to love, support, cherish and respect one another. Eventually the abuse will get worse and you may not be able to protect yourself against him. Maybe you should look into self defense classes, just to be safe. If he hits you again, leave where you are and go some place safe. Run if you have to. Then go to a PUBLIC PLACE to meet him a few days later and tell him that if he doesn't get help its over. You have to mean it! He will cry and carry on, but don't be fooled. He will do this to you forever if you allow him to. He may love you, but his need to control and dominate you outpowers that. You have to take control of your emotions and love yourself first-and so does your boyfriend. I hope everything works out for you. I will be looking to see how things worked out for you. This is a very difficult situation and it will be even more difficult if you have to go through it alone, so please tell someone close to you.

[Cookie]

I have to say I agree more with Christie than with you Stephen. I think you just don't know the extent of abusive men. How many husband beaters have you heard about in this society?

 

Is it such a problem that men have to get help for it?

 

I understand your point and I do agree that people CAN change, but when it comes to physically abusive men, I can't really agree with you.

 

Why should women tolerate such abuse for the hope that ONE DAY he MIGHT get better?

Well, I contradict completely.

 

Love CAN change people. I've experienced this on my own. When my girl-friend and I quarreled she used to start throwing things after me and hit me four times. She doesn't any more. I think we were lucky because it was HER to hit me and girls usually don't get such a bad conscience from hitting boys like it is vice versa. Actually, I've changed myself, too. I worked out that I had to respect myself before I can expect others to respect me. If you don't have problems with self-respect then tell him you're willing to talk about the situations but not willing to be hit any more. But, again, think about yourself, too. Maybe you act a bit submissively, like I did. Maybe something else.

 

I hope both of you get happy again!