"So Special"

[Heart On]

You Think That You Are So Special...

 

. . . that it won't happen to you. He'll be different with you.

You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.

 

He's told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He's acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and "honest". And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won't do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You're special. So what if he told his ex the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his **** with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you.

 

He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He's not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he'll be different, because he's told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he's told other people how you remind him of HER? That doesn't mean he's following the same old patterns, targetting the same types of women. That doesn't mean that he'll be turn abusive with YOU at some point...) He's such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right?

 

So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the "best thing that ever happened to him", and that he had "never loved anyone as much as he loved her"? That doesn't mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won't be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn't give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he'd NEVER do that to YOU.

 

So what if it was less than a year after breaking off with his ex before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him.

 

And those stories of how his ex-wife emotionally abandoned him... He's just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn't even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all - seeing a counsellor and everything! It couldn't possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave... He couldn't have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his ex-wife didn't trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues.

 

So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with a woman he was already seeing? It's not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She was just convenient for hurting his ex (he set her up really nicely to do that a couple of times), getting attention, an ego stroke, and occasional sex while he was waiting for the *right* woman to show up. Since you came along, he doesn't need her anymore. He's got YOU to feed his ego. And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn't have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it's the series of "gentle" cuts that leave the most stinking wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn't want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can't still be friends. Isn't he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when they are no longer useful!

 

continued....

 

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml

[swimmingfreely]

Lets just say if I ever found out my MM was like this. I would destroy his life in one swift move. I was friends with him first and love him to death, however I do NOT take much from men. If I ever feel he has used me or miss treated me in any real way he has another thing coming.

 

Remember we do have a secret relationship that I can easily expose on any given day. There is where my power lies. Of course if he is the true "friend" I believe he is than he has nothing to worry about. "No worries" is his motto so hopefully for his case this will remain true.

[jthorne]

Lets just say if I ever found out my MM was like this. I would destroy his life in one swift move. I was friends with him first and love him to death, however I do NOT take much from men. If I ever feel he has used me or miss treated me in any real way he has another thing coming.

 

Remember we do have a secret relationship that I can easily expose on any given day. There is where my power lies. Of course if he is the true "friend" I believe he is than he has nothing to worry about. "No worries" is his motto so hopefully for his case this will remain true.

Wow. This post makes me really sad. These are not attributes of a loving relationship.

[swimmingfreely]

Wow. This post makes me really sad. These are not attributes of a loving relationship.

 

He is great and probably the best guy I have ever met. However I will not be abused. I love him to death and will probably be here for him till the end of time. All I am saying is if the rare chance that he is just using me then I will seek revenge. Me and MM have not had one single negative word towards each other and honestly have never had a bad moment. (sometimes seems like a dream) I do feel we share a unique and special bond.

 

I am crazy positive about our relationship but so much negativity on here about how it is almost impossible of having a happy ending has me second guessing things. This what I would do ONLY if things took a extreme nose dive. As for now I am very happy with my MM !!

[Heart On]

Lets just say if I ever found out my MM was like this. I would destroy his life in one swift move. I was friends with him first and love him to death, however I do NOT take much from men. If I ever feel he has used me or miss treated me in any real way he has another thing coming.

 

Remember we do have a secret relationship that I can easily expose on any given day. There is where my power lies. Of course if he is the true "friend" I believe he is than he has nothing to worry about. "No worries" is his motto so hopefully for his case this will remain true.

 

Doesn't having sex with you and then going home to his wife and having sex with her and telling her he loves her consitute being "used"?

 

And doesn't being kept a secret constitute being mistreated?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "in any real way".

 

Those are both real ways to me.

 

Sad how we become so accomodating and blind to how we are being treated.

 

I found out after I outted myself in my life and marriage,just what a "friend" he wasn't.

 

I also found out,I wasn't anymore special to him than his wife was.

 

We were both just a mean's to an end.

 

it was much easier to stay with her as she had no clue what he was capable of. I did and he didn't like that I knew him so well.

[bittersweet memories]

He is great and probably the best guy I have ever met. However I will not be abused. I love him to death and will probably be here for him till the end of time. All I am saying is if the rare chance that he is just using me then I will seek revenge. Me and MM have not had one single negative word towards each other and honestly have never had a bad moment. (sometimes seems like a dream) I do feel we share a unique and special bond.

 

I am crazy positive about our relationship but so much negativity on here about how it is almost impossible of having a happy ending has me second guessing things. This what I would do ONLY if things took a extreme nose dive. As for now I am very happy with my MM !!

 

So you would basically pull a Glen Close on him. yikes!! Runnnn MM...Runnnn!!

[donnamaybe]

OP, you have it right on the money, unfortunately. There are even people, when told by the WS that they aren't having sex with their spouse (even during an A that's over 5 years old no less and the AP's rarely see each other in person), who believe everything that comes out of the WS's mouth. The fog must be VERY thick to believe all this stuff!

[Mimolicious]

Lets just say if I ever found out my MM was like this. I would destroy his life in one swift move. I was friends with him first and love him to death, however I do NOT take much from men. If I ever feel he has used me or miss treated me in any real way he has another thing coming.

 

Remember we do have a secret relationship that I can easily expose on any given day. There is where my power lies. Of course if he is the true "friend" I believe he is than he has nothing to worry about. "No worries" is his motto so hopefully for his case this will remain true.

 

 

Oh whoa! This MM is seriously cooking a huge huge one. Is he under threat? I wonder.

[Silly_Girl]

OP, you have it right on the money, unfortunately. There are even people, when told by the WS that they aren't having sex with their spouse (even during an A that's over 5 years old no less and the AP's rarely see each other in person), who believe everything that comes out of the WS's mouth. The fog must be VERY thick to believe all this stuff!

 

You and your Jennie obsession. *rolls eyes*

 

 

Who's to say though? I didn't believe the extent to which my guy's marriage was sexless/passionless - at first. But now I believe it 100%. Am I total buffoon, for that, in your eyes? I gave a lot of thought and attention to that side of things, expecting to be proved right. Over a beer and a pizza, in a friendly exchange, where we can talk two-way and converse, I reckon you'd believe it too. I honestly do. But that stuff, so many MANY insignificant and significant ways that added up to my believing him just cannot be conveyed here. Not possible.

 

You may sneer and titter but it may not be as funny, or unbelievable as you think.

[swimmingfreely]

Doesn't having sex with you and then going home to his wife and having sex with her and telling her he loves her consitute being "used"?

 

And doesn't being kept a secret constitute being mistreated?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "in any real way".

 

Those are both real ways to me.

 

Sad how we become so accomodating and blind to how we are being treated.

 

I found out after I outted myself in my life and marriage,just what a "friend" he wasn't.

 

I also found out,I wasn't anymore special to him than his wife was.

 

We were both just a mean's to an end.

 

it was much easier to stay with her as she had no clue what he was capable of. I did and he didn't like that I knew him so well.

 

 

I don't think I said if we were in a physical relationship at the time but the answer is NO !!

 

Sorry you had a bad experience still hopeful that I won't !

[swimmingfreely]

So you would basically pull a Glen Close on him. yikes!! Runnnn MM...Runnnn!!

 

 

He won't run !! But all I can say is if he is a player. A player can't play a player !! Who is Glen Close ? I am not familiar ..

[swimmingfreely]

Oh whoa! This MM is seriously cooking a huge huge one. Is he under threat? I wonder.

 

 

All I am saying is I have a shield that can be lifted to block me at any time, I also have a sword behind my back (just in case) !!

 

A girl can never be too prepared right ?

[Mimolicious]

All I am saying is I have a shield that can be lifted to block me at any time, I also have a sword behind my back (just in case) !!

 

A girl can never be too prepared right ?

 

 

I mean, I don't condone it BUT fack'em! Get even for all the chicks that lying men have hurt!

[whichwayisup]

He won't run !! But all I can say is if he is a player. A player can't play a player !! Who is Glen Close ? I am not familiar ..

 

Google fatal attraction.

[jthorne]

All I am saying is I have a shield that can be lifted to block me at any time, I also have a sword behind my back (just in case) !!

 

A girl can never be too prepared right ?

You need to have a shield and a sword in your cyber relationship? That's not very healthy. Perhaps that's why you're only cyber-ing right now, because he knows he can't trust you.

 

As the late Sam Kinison said, "If you can't trust the p***y, why are you ******* the p****?"

[herenow]

All I am saying is I have a shield that can be lifted to block me at any time, I also have a sword behind my back (just in case) !!

 

A girl can never be too prepared right ?

 

I'm confused. Are you playing an on-line video game with him?

[Lecturer]

I'm confused. It's like the OP posted this story as though she thinks its about cheating.. but I'm not convinced it is...

 

So what if it was less than a year after breaking off with his ex before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him.

 

The whole story seems like it could be written about a guy that left his wife, and then later (after the fact) met with a new woman. Umm.. what's wrong with this? I guess the timeline wasn't appropriate for the author?

 

And, let's face it.. typically people leave one relationship because there were problems. It is not hard to believe that they'd be interested in a new partner that would not have these same problems. This is true for any successive relationship, man or woman. I've seen it, and I'm happy for the people. A woman is in an abusive relationship and then is with a new man who she is extremely happy with, telling him how he is perfect for the ways that he is patient and understanding (unlike her ex). Now, you're suggesting she is just manipulating him and buttering him up. I dunno about that.

[donnamaybe]

The same issues apply.

[Beeotch]

Doesn't having sex with you and then going home to his wife and having sex with her and telling her he loves her consitute being "used"?

 

And doesn't being kept a secret constitute being mistreated?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "in any real way".

 

Those are both real ways to me.

 

Sad how we become so accomodating and blind to how we are being treated.

 

I found out after I outted myself in my life and marriage,just what a "friend" he wasn't.

 

I also found out,I wasn't anymore special to him than his wife was.

 

We were both just a mean's to an end.

 

it was much easier to stay with her as she had no clue what he was capable of. I did and he didn't like that I knew him so well.

 

I'm saaying!

 

When I was in such a scenario I remember the guy telling me that he really trusted me....and I FLIPPED! I told him that of course he did or he was trying to placate me because I had some amount of "power" as that poster stated to ruin his other life.....then it DAWNED on me...WTF?! This is not a good relationship/position to be in. A relationship should not be about wielding power and keeping things together because of the threat of possible exposure and blackmail....wtf???!!! Your "other life"....even me having to say that just sounds inane! I had to actually post on my FB something I saw another poster here say about her "Boyfriend's wife"....I'm like honestly, doesn't that slap you in the face?!!! We have different defense mechanisms to protect our egos and reality then certain things totally collapse it, and if my boyfriend had a wife, I don't think I could acknowledge it out loud, that would ruin the whole thing for me.

 

Everyday the simplest of statements and scenarios made me do a double take and say WTF?! This is so crazy. That was one of the most poignant ones for me, when as much as I tried to see it as rosy, I realize, I personally could not live in such a scenario AND be comfortable.

 

I had nothing on his gf...she was oblivious and was afforded the LUXURY of being unaware. While I had to suffer the burden of knowing about her, knowing about the lies, being an accomplice, being a secret and being shown inadvertently time and again that it wasn't right. What you don't know sure can make you go to bed comfy at night, while I had to be the one "in the know" thinking at nights about everything.

 

Did he set out to use me and did he think about it consciously....no, of course not But nevertheless, that is what it ended up being. Using is not about taking your money, beating you and all those obvious Lifetime Movie scenarios....the worst kind is the more subtle and subversive ways and even worst is, in such cases you ALLOW it to happen and gladly accept it because it is covered in champagne and weekend getaways .

Edited June 1, 2011 by Beeotch

[Heart On]

It's by a woman who wised up and broke up with a man who manipulated her into thinking she was 'so special'(and that's not all too familiar for the OW?) and that he wouldn't do to her what he had done to his past women.It may not be about cheating,but it speaks volumes about how gullible we are as OW to think that what they do/did to thier wives,they wouldn't do to us.

 

How could we be so naive to trust a known liar?

 

How could we be so gullible to believe what they tell us?

 

How could we settle so low for such crumbs and then watch them go home?

 

How could we not realize that what they do to them to be with us,they can all too easily to do us.

 

I posted this separately in a new thread because the one that it was in got closed and I didn't want it to go unread as it seems pretty dead on when it comes to EXPOSING how some MM operate.

 

And because it wasn't a "hate hate hateful" article,as some would have it,but a WARNING WARNING WARNING article for anyone here who is so blinded by thier MM that they can't even begin to see past the FOG like I was at one point.

 

I had to be completely burned to learn because nothing anyone said negatively about my xMM got thru to me.Not even most of the obvious red flags HE waved in my face got thru.

 

I see that alot here.

 

Abject denial and the hope that they are "so special" they are immune to being betrayed by the very man who betrayed his wife to be with them.

 

Thier wives held no special immunities,why would we?

 

Any rational person couldn't deny this as a distinct possibility,unless they are so afraid others are right,their defense mechanisms go into high alert and all they can do is post about how "MARVELOUS" and "SPECIAL" and DIFFERENT thier affair is.

 

I say...please wake up.

 

 

The whole story seems like it could be written about a guy that left his wife, and then later (after the fact) met with a new woman. Umm.. what's wrong with this? I guess the timeline wasn't appropriate for the author?

 

And, let's face it.. typically people leave one relationship because there were problems. It is not hard to believe that they'd be interested in a new partner that would not have these same problems. This is true for any successive relationship, man or woman. I've seen it, and I'm happy for the people. A woman is in an abusive relationship and then is with a new man who she is extremely happy with, telling him how he is perfect for the ways that he is patient and understanding (unlike her ex). Now, you're suggesting she is just manipulating him and buttering him up. I dunno about that.

 

You should re-read the article until you aren't confused about how it applies to affairs.

 

MM do lie and blame thier wives for all.....and typically,it's the MM with the issues,not thier wifes or ex's.

 

OP, you have it right on the money, unfortunately. There are even people, when told by the WS that they aren't having sex with their spouse (even during an A that's over 5 years old no less and the AP's rarely see each other in person), who believe everything that comes out of the WS's mouth. The fog must be VERY thick to believe all this stuff!

 

 

It's was very thick in my mind as he spoon fed me so many "truths" I couldn't believe he would EVER lie to me....hahaha

 

I actually did believe I was "special" to him.....that she was to blame for all his woes,that he deserved sex and happiness and a wife who respected him.

 

Unfortunately,he already had that,the problem was...SHE didn't have that in him.And it took ALOT of facing of reality to come to terms with the fact that he had no rhymm or reason to get involved with me...or anyone else for that matter.

 

All he really had was a sense of entitlement and a hard-on.....

 

And I had a problem deciphering lies from truths.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm saaying!

I had to actually post on my FB something I saw another poster here say about her "Boyfriend's wife"....I'm like honestly, doesn't that slap you in the face?!!! We have different defense mechanisms to protect our egos and reality then certain things totally collapse it, and if my boyfriend had a wife, I don't think I could acknowledge it out loud, that would ruin the whole thing for me.

 

I refer to my boyfriend that way. He's married but in an exclusive relationship with me. And all his family, friends, and his wife know that. I wouldn't be happy if he stayed married for ever but I have NO ISSUE with things as they are. My ex-H and I were married for years (for a specific reason), but each fully co-habiting with someone else. In fact, my boyfriend and my husband, when I was ill, took my son to the cinema together. It was a boy's film, I didn't miss out one bit!!

[Lecturer]

So you acknowledge this isn't about cheating.. its a story about forming a new relationship with a previously married man. I guess I'm just concerned that you're making it IMPOSSIBLE for a previously married man (or woman) to find a new love in an appropriate way.. in a way that doesn't portray them as evil and manipulative. You're vilifying all previously married people, including those that never cheated, and I don't think that's fair.

[Silly_Girl]

Heart On, you seem so angry to me... the way you type. How long ago was/were your OW experience(s)? Do you feel you benefit from posting here? (NB absolutely no judgement inferred there. Have read that some ex-OW say they find it healthy and have reasons for that, and some say exactly the opposite, I was just curious).

[waytogo]

Lets just say if I ever found out my MM was like this. I would destroy his life in one swift move. I was friends with him first and love him to death, however I do NOT take much from men. If I ever feel he has used me or miss treated me in any real way he has another thing coming.

 

Remember we do have a secret relationship that I can easily expose on any given day. There is where my power lies. Of course if he is the true "friend" I believe he is than he has nothing to worry about. "No worries" is his motto so hopefully for his case this will remain true.

 

OFF - THE - CHARTS! You are already stashing an arsenal to attack this man you say is great and you 'trust'?!?!? Let me guess, he has an evil W who holds children over his head. You commit a 'crime' with him willingly and you intend to hold that over his head. If near true, he didn't go from pot to fire; he went from pot to the deepest pit of hell! Oh well, he bought his own ticket. Maybe the transport at least serves the lowest quality of beer. He'll get used to it.

[Heart On]

Heart On, you seem so angry to me... the way you type. How long ago was/were your OW experience(s)? Do you feel you benefit from posting here? (NB absolutely no judgement inferred there. Have read that some ex-OW say they find it healthy and have reasons for that, and some say exactly the opposite, I was just curious).

 

First off,I didn't write what I posted in this thread.I found it years ago when I needed it to wake me up.Just hope it would help others here do the same.

 

Secondly,I am angry.I am angry at MM who hurt OW's and BS's.

 

Thirdly,depending on what you know about professional exploitation,I wouldn't bother to explain the difference between sexual misconduct by a Narcissistic,married Professional and an affair.

 

I have been FREE from his N-sanity for 7 years now.But it all began in 1997 when I walked into his massage office and ended in 2004 when I was forced to move out of state or kill him for throwing me under the bus and leaving me to answer for his lack of Ethics alone.

 

How does this help me?

 

Well,sometimes,it makes me feel as though since I wasn't ALLOWED a voice in his mind,I am going to speak my peace for the rest of my life hoping to warn others,and pay forward all the help I got in getting out and away and open some eyes and help people ask the right questions so they can learn to protect themselves.

 

I realize you and OWoman and a few others here are HOW...but if we took a poll....I wonder what the % would be of UHOW and for those who come here for support to GET out vs.those who come here to promote Adultery.

 

I support getting far away from men who sit on fences and use women and manipulate them and who lack empathy and conscience.

 

Sorry if that doesn't resonate in your situation.

 

There are plenty of women here who might benefit from my hard won knowledge and I can say my hope is that by helping others,my pain will not be in vain.

 

Hope that clarifies things for you.

 

Don't worry,I won't be here for long as I don't want to overstay my welcome.I certainly won't accumulate more than 500 posts here!

I do have alot to offer,but not for HOW's.Sorry.

I don't believe settling for sharing a man makes anyone truly happy.

And I also see things from the wifes side better than I ever did when I was N-volved.Maybe it's a way for me to warn BS about thier H's too.

 

None of us deserve to be treated as though we are only an option.

 

I went thru hell and really,had I held him accountable for his egregious acts against me and saw him answer for himself,instead of scapegoat me to save his own A$$....I wouldn't even be here.

 

Nor would he be married or still hold his massage license.

 

He tried to manipulate me into staying silent and that's the last thing I am going to be.

 

Every single part of OT statement I could identify with....but only in hindsight.

Edited June 2, 2011 by Heart On