Can you love someone you've never met?

[Audrina]

I think this is an interesting subject, if you're internet dating do you think it is possible to love someone you have never met in person, even if you've been speaking to the person for 2 or 3 or even more years without actually meeting up?

 

It's funny...I used to think yes.

 

My now boyfriend and I have been talking online for 2 years before we ever met. Our feelings for each other were obvious but neither of us were willing to make an official commitment until we had met in person.

 

Before we met, I did consider myself to be in love with him, but after we met, I realized that I don't think you can love someone until you actually get to know them in person. I would call what I felt before infatuation, but now we are working on the falling in love part.

[TearyEyedPride]

Yeah. Some of the deepest connections come about from Long Distance Relationships. It stimulates your mind, your soul, teaches you patience, and you build a bond that transcends distance sometimes. I wouldn't recommend dating forever without meeting. Over a year and a half is definitely pushing it, but it can totally happen. Not only falling deeply in love, but also severe heartbreak should it not work out. Trust me. Experience does count for something here.

[Ginger Beer]

It's funny...I used to think yes.

 

My now boyfriend and I have been talking online for 2 years before we ever met. Our feelings for each other were obvious but neither of us were willing to make an official commitment until we had met in person.

 

Before we met, I did consider myself to be in love with him, but after we met, I realized that I don't think you can love someone until you actually get to know them in person. I would call what I felt before infatuation, but now we are working on the falling in love part.

 

What's the difference between that and love?

[HeavenOrHell]

Infatuation tends be something built on your idea of that person rather than who they might actually be.

 

 

 

What's the difference between that and love?

[Tandybuggz]

Is it really love? or Infatuation? ~

[cerridwen]

Infatuation tends be something built on your idea of that person rather than who they might actually be.

 

^^This is a great distinction HOH.

 

I once thought I loved someone prior to meeting but it was premature.

In person, things were much, much different and a whole host of incompatibilities came to the fore.

This after communicating for 2.5 years.

I cared deeply for him, but love it was not.

I loved someone I'd created.

The reality was discombobulating and profoundly disappointing.

 

Now, I recognize that I can be extremely infatuated but it can't be love until we spend time together.

There's simply no substitute for having a conversation in person and taking in all facets of the one another.

 

My advice would be for people to refrain (as much as possible) from projecting qualities onto the other person. They may not have them. Try not to predict or fantasize too extensively about how that person is. He/she could be very different.

 

Edited to add: Being conservative with your enthusiasm isn't just for self-preservation. It's not fair to the other person involved. They should be taken "as is" and not in comparison to some fantasy.

Edited June 22, 2011 by cerridwen

[madjac74]

Heres a little story to shed some light on the being in love without meeting B.S. This story has nothing to do with love but i think it relates very much.

 

First I met my girlfriend in person and then we went LDR...well during an off period I decided based on many friends suggestions to try to meet someone local. I tried a dating site just for the heck of it. We talked on the site for awhile and then eventually moved to text. She seemed pretty witty and interesting so we set up a date.

 

First off she looked nothing like her picture or how she described and her wit and appeal completely disappeared in person. Her voice was like that of a truck driver which didnt carry over in text and in person she was very over bearing. There was no chemistry. I could not get out of there fast enough to the point where I was very rude!

 

I ended up going home and talking to my LDR knowing via actual face to face time that she was the real person i was talking to and that the ease of locality could not replace how i felt about someone i was very sure was compatible for me...even if that person was 800 miles away.

 

A million hours of online time does not compare to what you can feel and learn about a person in a few hours together.

[Ross MwcFan]

If only someone would invent teleportation.

[madjac74]

If only someone would invent teleportation.

 

If only someone would re-invent integrity

[LittleTiger]

A million hours of online time does not compare to what you can feel and learn about a person in a few hours together.

 

I disagree.

 

I've known my SO for almost 2 years and we've spent approx 6 months living together during that time - the rest has been either skype or phone contact.

 

I've learnt far more about him during our long distance interactions than I have during our physical time together.

 

I think you were just unlucky with your internet dating experience. People who describe 'falling in love' with someone they've never met (which doesn't include me), have usually been talking and/or skyping for months and sometimes years. I don't think it's quite the same thing as what happened to you.

[Els]

It is possible to love, yes... but there is also the possibility of being in love with a constructed fantasy. It happens to some people - that cannot be denied. But others, who are in a relationship online where both parties strive to be as honest and forthcoming as possible, often find there to be very little difference when they meet the person IRL after months online.

 

The use of skype, with cam and voice, helps reduce the chance of a jarring shock, too.

[madjac74]

I disagree.

 

I've known my SO for almost 2 years and we've spent approx 6 months living together during that time - the rest has been either skype or phone contact.

 

Exactly! You guys have met and lived together. The question was can you love someone you have NEVER met. I have been away from my SO for 11 months and we talk everyday and I've grown more and more in love with her but I have also been with her many times. I know exactly who is on the other end of that phone. I know what she smells like, really looks like, tastes like, feels like. My entire point was until you know all those things then you dont really know them and in my humble opinion its just a fantasy...not love

 

 

I think you were just unlucky with your internet dating experience. People who describe 'falling in love' with someone they've never met (which doesn't include me), have usually been talking and/or skyping for months and sometimes years. I don't think it's quite the same thing as what happened to you.

 

My date was just to make the point that you really dont know what you have until you experience it first hand. I have online friends who i have never met and several that i have known for years. I could walk away from them in a heartbeat if needed and I have before. Ive tried to do that with my SO but its not so easy because I know what she is really like face to face.

 

Even if its a non romantic love like a brother or a best friend, I still dont think its possible because you haven't experienced who they truly are. If it's all online then it's just a fantasy

[LittleTiger]

It is possible to love, yes... but there is also the possibility of being in love with a constructed fantasy. It happens to some people - that cannot be denied. But others, who are in a relationship online where both parties strive to be as honest and forthcoming as possible, often find there to be very little difference when they meet the person IRL after months online.

 

The use of skype, with cam and voice, helps reduce the chance of a jarring shock, too.

 

This is exactly how I see it too.

 

Although we deliberately never used the 'L' word until we met. What I felt for my partner before I met him was definitely very much like love and there were zero surprises when we met IRL. We were both exactly as we had portrayed ourselves to be.

 

In retrospect, I believe we did love each other (not romantic love at that point because sexual attraction is unknown until you meet in the flesh) and, because we had both been completely honest about who we were, it turned out that our feelings were genuine. The person we grew to 'love' online was the same person IRL.

 

The only thing that was different after meeting was the reality of our physical attraction - that's when we fell 'in love'.

[LittleTiger]

Exactly! You guys have met and lived together. The question was can you love someone you have NEVER met. I have been away from my SO for 11 months and we talk everyday and I've grown more and more in love with her but I have also been with her many times. I know exactly who is on the other end of that phone. I know what she smells like, really looks like, tastes like, feels like. My entire point was until you know all those things then you dont really know them and in my humble opinion its just a fantasy...not love

 

Not wanting to repeat myself madjac, but I was disagreeing with a very specific part of your post ie that "A million hours of online time does not compare to what you can feel and learn about a person in a few hours together".

 

Because my partner and I were very honest about who we were, we learned far more about each other as people in the two months before we met than we did in the first three weeks we spent together IRL (most of what we learned about each other in that time was sexual ).

 

If both people are honest and communicate well, it is very possible to know them intimately before you actually meet them. It's only a fantasy if the person turns out to be someone other than who they say they are - and, even then, that doesn't make the feelings unreal, just the person.

 

Even in real life relationships people can fall in love with a fantasy - especially if the person they love is able to put up a good 'front' for a considerable length of time. Does that make the 'love' any less real, just because the beloved was dishonest?

 

My date was just to make the point that you really dont know what you have until you experience it first hand. I have online friends who i have never met and several that i have known for years. I could walk away from them in a heartbeat if needed and I have before. Ive tried to do that with my SO but its not so easy because I know what she is really like face to face.

 

Even if its a non romantic love like a brother or a best friend, I still dont think its possible because you haven't experienced who they truly are. If it's all online then it's just a fantasy

 

I have to disagree with you there too.

 

Firstly, the reason you can't walk away from your SO as easily as your online friends is because of the emotional and sexual attachment involved ie you're not 'in love' with your friends. It's also harder to walk away from your SO other than from people who are just 'friends' IRL.

 

Secondly, online friendship can be just as real as friendship IRL. I too have online friends who I've never met. One or two of them have helped me through some of the most difficult periods of my life. It doesn't matter that I don't know for sure what they look like, smell like etc. There is a very real emotional connection based on the acts of kindness and friendship that they have shown me. None of that is fantasy - even though I may never meet these people - the kindness and friendship they have shown is genuine.

 

I don't see the difference with a person you hope will be a romantic partner. If you share things that bond you and they act in certain ways that result in you appreciating them, how is that not real?

 

People connect through their minds, hearts and souls. Even when we're having sex with someone we love - the physical connection is just an extension of, and a means of expressing, the emotional connection. So, if 'love' is not a physical thing, why can't we love someone we've never met?

[madjac74]

Not wanting to repeat myself madjac, but I was disagreeing with a very specific part of your post ie that "A million hours of online time does not compare to what you can feel and learn about a person in a few hours together".

 

I respect your position on this, LT but I stand by my statement because no matter how great and how much we learned in the time we were apart it does not compare to the experiences of being together. Once while we were together and lying next to each other, i was touching the scar on her chin and learned all about how it happened. That is what love is to me and I could have never learned that or experienced that intimacy in a million hours of online/phone time.

 

I love to have an interesting intelligent debate but this will vary person to person and what each persons definition of love is. Some people fall in and out of love like they go through socks. I tend to wear my socks until they are holy as hell and never give up on a lost pair.

 

 

 

People connect through their minds, hearts and souls. Even when we're having sex with someone we love - the physical connection is just an extension of, and a means of expressing, the emotional connection. So, if 'love' is not a physical thing, why can't we love someone we've never met?

 

In my opinion love is experiencing someone with all five senses and you really can't do that through chat alone.

[LittleTiger]

I love to have an interesting intelligent debate but this will vary person to person and what each persons definition of love is. Some people fall in and out of love like they go through socks. I tend to wear my socks until they are holy as hell and never give up on a lost pair.

 

Actually I'm the same. I just believe that 'love' takes many different forms.

 

If the question had been 'can you fall in love with someone you've never met' I would say probably not. That's because I believe falling in love is about sexual chemisty, which is a physical thing, and that's something you really can't experience without meeting someone in the flesh. If you think you've fallen in love with someone you've never met then there's a strong chance it's infatuation because you are imagining a sexual attraction that might never exist.

 

Loving someone is not the same as being in love with them. The physical body is irrelevant. We love our friends and family regardless of their physical being.

 

In my opinion love is experiencing someone with all five senses and you really can't do that through chat alone.

 

There are people in world who are blind and deaf and some who cannot smell or taste - are you saying that these people are unable to love others because they have one sense (or more) missing?

 

Some senses are more highly developed in some people than others. How we love, or experience love, is a very individual and personal thing.

[HeavenOrHell]

I still say we can't fall in love before we've met face to face, but we can love someone we've not actually met, I love friends who I've known for years and know only by letters/emails/phone calls.

I do think you can get to know some very well if you see each other on skype frequently, but we won't have seen their reactions to some situations IRL, situations which won't happen while you're just talking on skype. We won't see how they react/socialise with other people for example, or if they get angry while driving Or things like will they help with the washing up or leave it all to me You can see and gauge a lot by talking on skype, but you won't see it all.

Of course the more real and honest you are on skype, the more likely you will hit it off when you meet, even couples who met to begin with face to face can hide certain aspects of themselves until they feel more comfortable and secure within the r/ship to show all sides to of themselves.