What have I become??

[J0N]

7 months have passed since my ex of two years left me via text messages. After everything I did for her and her family, it was about as cold and cruel of a way to leave someone as I had previously thought humanly possible. Especially someone who loved her as much as I did. She tried to blame everything on me, and make it seem like it was all my fault and that she was perfect. Such a B***S*** reason to treat someone so horribly.

 

After this whole ordeal, I feel a lot different. I feel like I have grown to resent women (sorry) and relationships in general. I find myself frequently wondering, why/how could I ever trust someone again? I feel like if I take that big of a gamble again and put myself out on the line like I did before, when the house comes crashing down I will be the one left holding the bag... again. I also feel like my personality will eventually drive away anyone who could ever love me. I was not perfect with my ex, but I was not bad to her. I did everything a great guy should do, I feel like she just got bored with me and the way things were going (took me for granted) and decided to just leave. How could somebody who claims to love you do this? How could she just walk away and never look back?

 

My whole life I have wanted to be a family man, with a loving wife, kids, and a dog. I just feel like in todays society, this is out of date and as soon one gets bored they will just leave with no remorse. I feel like every LTR is doomed at the start. I find myself wondering if I will ever meet somebody, or if it is even possible to meet somebody who will be as loyal to me as I would to them.

 

I hope my cynical attitude goes away so that, maybe, someday, I can find love again.

 

I have developed some serious trust issues, especially with women. I feel like I cannot trust them and the first opportunity they get, they will f*** me over.

 

Does anybody else feel like this?

 

** Apologies, especially to the women who read this. I am not trying to say that all women are evil demons or anything. I am just lost & confused I guess. **

[starmar]

Yes. I'm starting to get cynical and bitter. I don't like it but it seems like things won't work out the way I want them to. I'm working on this.

[Ajax]

I think what you're thinking and feeling are natural, and that at some point we all have that mindset. I can't count the number of times I've sworn off relationships. Even now I'm certainly not looking for one. And you're right, trust is hard to come by.

 

But it's not impossible. I look at it this way... I trust myself, and I think other people can trust me too. But it would be naive for someone who just met me to trust me without establishing a history and relationship to support that trust. And vice versa. It's also arrogant for me to believe that I'm the only trustworthy person on the planet. There's got to be someone else out there who I can trust. Right? Right?

 

I think what we have to do is start each encounter and each new relationship (be it romantic or otherwise) from a neutral position. Then they can either build up trust, or distrust.

[Nohbody]

You can analyze what you are doing and how you feel - you aren't accepting this as the norm or the only way to be, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. Give yourself time, be patient, and continue to work on you.

[dng]

Its all good because eventually you'll realize that what you just wrote, you mean it about your ex, not women in general.

 

Right now, to you, all women are your ex but its not actually the case.

[GreenPolicy]

7 months have passed since my ex of two years left me via text messages. After everything I did for her and her family, it was about as cold and cruel of a way to leave someone as I had previously thought humanly possible. Especially someone who loved her as much as I did. She tried to blame everything on me, and make it seem like it was all my fault and that she was perfect. Such a B***S*** reason to treat someone so horribly.

 

After this whole ordeal, I feel a lot different. I feel like I have grown to resent women (sorry) and relationships in general. I find myself frequently wondering, why/how could I ever trust someone again? I feel like if I take that big of a gamble again and put myself out on the line like I did before, when the house comes crashing down I will be the one left holding the bag... again. I also feel like my personality will eventually drive away anyone who could ever love me. I was not perfect with my ex, but I was not bad to her. I did everything a great guy should do, I feel like she just got bored with me and the way things were going (took me for granted) and decided to just leave. How could somebody who claims to love you do this? How could she just walk away and never look back?

 

My whole life I have wanted to be a family man, with a loving wife, kids, and a dog. I just feel like in todays society, this is out of date and as soon one gets bored they will just leave with no remorse. I feel like every LTR is doomed at the start. I find myself wondering if I will ever meet somebody, or if it is even possible to meet somebody who will be as loyal to me as I would to them.

 

I hope my cynical attitude goes away so that, maybe, someday, I can find love again.

 

I have developed some serious trust issues, especially with women. I feel like I cannot trust them and the first opportunity they get, they will f*** me over.

 

Does anybody else feel like this?

 

** Apologies, especially to the women who read this. I am not trying to say that all women are evil demons or anything. I am just lost & confused I guess. **

 

Being familiar with your story, it sounds to me like your ex might be a borderline, or at the very least have some Cluster B traits and an avoidant attachment style. None of us are mental health professionals and are qualified to identify her as a borderline, but it is not NORMAL to keep relationship concerns to yourself and then blindside your SO with a dumping (a common way borderlines end relationships), and then project all the faults and failures of a relationship on to you (splitting and painting you black). What was your ex's childhood and previous romantic history like? Did she have any kind of abandonment or abuse from an absent parental figure? Did she have a history of short-term or stormy romantic relationships before you? When you were together, was there a constant push-pull of her being moody and angry one minute, loving and affectionate the next (the way most borderlines operate)? Or was she more of a quiet, non-confrontational type (a small subset of borderlines characterized as the waif type) ? You can check out more info at bpdfamily.com and they have a messageboard. Like I said, I do not know if my ex was BPD or not and I am not qualified as a mental health professional to label her as such. But reading the posts there, the feelings that other people have expressed about their relationships ending with their BPD partners and how similar our experiences were, it rang so true to me and felt as if somebody was reading my mind.

 

Now having said all that, at the end of the day getting immersed in your ex's pathology is a waste of time and you need to turn the focus to yourself and on how you can improve yourself and your life. You're not responsible for her and only she can fix her stuff. You're only responsible for your side of the street. DO NOT take her actions as a reflection on you - that you are unlovable, that you deserved to be discarded like a piece of garbage, or that all women you get involved with is just a matter of waiting for the other shoe to drop and for history to repeat itself. Reading your posts, I can tell that you are a great guy and any woman would be lucky to have you.

 

When somebody leaves you the way your ex left you, then really there is only one of two possibilities: either she was a straight-up user and was never in the relationship the same way you were, and she was only with you for the benefits of a relationship and never loved you or had strong feelings for you...or she did love you, she did care about you, but for whatever reason she has some deep-seated foundational issues that causes her to sabotage her relationships. You didn't cheat on her, you didn't abuse her, you treated her with kindness, affection and respect and loved her to the best of your ability without being a pussified doormat. Were you perfect? Hell no, you weren't, but you were doing your part to create a committed relationship that would last. Did you deserve to get discarded coldly like used tissue? Hell no, you didn't.

 

For the record, I don't think your ex was a user. If she was, then from the beginning she would have had one foot near the door and would have constantly been on the lookout for an "upgrade" and it wouldn't have taken her two years to find one. She would have ditched you long ago.

 

Focus on your healing. This bitch doesn't deserve to have such a hold and power over you, or the ability to ruin your life if you stay mired in misery. Get angry, because that will help you take her off the pedestal. But don't stay angry. These are the people that after 1-2 years are still bitter and posting things on LS like "I hate them/I'm still not over them."

 

I know exactly how you feel, because my relationship ended in a very similar way. The first 10.5 months we were together were bliss. The last month things were still very good, even though it was obvious we were transitioning from the honeymoon to the power struggle stage (which happens in all romantic relationships), but nothing at all to indicate that such a violent and abrupt ending was coming. I know exactly how it feels to have a relationship end like that, and you are sitting there grasping for answers.

 

If this had been a relationship that was "normal" and ended after two emotionally mature and healthy adults gave it their best shot and parted ways because of a lack of compatibility or values, then you'd have been hurt, but you wouldn't be posting on LS. You went looking for answers because you know that something was off and not right about how your relationship ended. And it wasn't the person who was honest, open and earnest in wanting the relationship to continue and willing to work at it that should be faulted for its demise. You're responsible for 100 percent of your 50 percent of the relationship you had with your ex. Don't assume responsibility for her half and beat yourself up.

 

Take care JON.

Edited June 1, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[stopthemadness]

Hi Jon, sorry to hear that your still in such pain and heart ache over your breakup. Although 7 months really isnt that long, you should be more along in your healing process. But I came on here to say this. Just because someone broke up with you doesnt mean that their borderline or crazy or has cluster B traits or anything. It happens, people breakup relationships change.No one is to blame. It doesnt say anything about you just because smone chooses to move on or do smthing else. I think the who what why and when time has came and went! All of that just doesnt matter any more. I think whats happened is your getting stuck in your saddness plain and simple. Dont let yourself be sad any longer!! Iam sorry that your relationship didnt go like you planned it to. And yes am sorry that mine didnt either. Am 10 months out of my breakup and still consider my self in the healing process. I saw a therapist for 7 months and it helped me tons. After our last breakup I knew I just couldnt do this back and forth thing anymore.( was 2gether 8 1/2 yrs) Maybe talking to a therapist is a good idea for you too? Ya I still miss him. But i think thats normal. Its ok to still miss them but you need to be healing at the same time too. You say you wanta be a family man, have a wife and kids. You can and will do ALL that stuff. But dude you gota let all this stuff from the past go. The healing process takes time, so the sooner you start the sooner you can move on. Just think about it... Me and my therapist still keep in contact by email. She just moved away first week in May. But like I told her I think the hard parts over. So please think about..Find smone to talk to..good luck

[J0N]

Honestly. I am really not all that torn up any more about this whole ordeal. I mean I still get sad sometimes, but it hasn't been affecting me as much as it did. I do find that the times I think about her are becoming fewer and further between. I am moving on, slowly. I even catch myself getting bored with thinking about her.

 

The truth is, I am in a transitory stage right now. I am getting ready to uproot to a new city.

 

I guess I just feel a bit lonely. Thats all. I am just not sure that I could open up to someone new just yet. I think a fair amount of time will have to go by before, I stop looking at every girl as if they are going to do to me what my ex did.

 

I honestly do not think it would be worth my time to look into her pathology. I think it would only bring up more painful thoughts. So I am going to avoid that. She may have been slightly bi polar though. I honestly have no definitive way of proving anything.

 

Stopthemadness, GP I think you are right. I am only responsible for myself now. Who cares why she dumped me? Do I really want to know the real answers? Hell NO!

 

I just find myself frustrated with the whole concept of 'love' I guess.

[GreenPolicy]

Just because someone broke up with you doesnt mean that their borderline or crazy or has cluster B traits or anything. It happens, people breakup relationships change.No one is to blame. It doesnt say anything about you just because smone chooses to move on or do smthing else. I think the who what why and when time has came and went! All of that just doesnt matter any more.

 

I agree with a lot of what you say about the need to move on and that the details are irrelevant at a certain point. I just know that something is not right with this picture. Relationships usually deteriorate and then end. And I think that the abrupt ending when things were seemingly well on the whole is a big part of why JON is having trouble moving on.

 

I remember when things ended with my ex-ex, I was sad, but that relationship had run its course and I was ready to date very quickly after it was over. I've had other girls screw me over, dump me, reject me and I was able to bounce back very quickly. What did all of those situations have in common? While I may not have liked what was happening, I understood it, and being able to make sense of it helped me in processing it and moving forward.

 

When you don't understand the reason for your loss, it's very hard to move on. When you have almost no bad memories of your ex until the day they ended things, and they never communicated any dissatisfaction and right until the end they said and did all the right things to convince you that things were good and you were on the same page, that's a mindf*ck that takes time to come to terms with. I'm at 7.5 months on, and although I still have my bad days from time to time, I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I understand that delving into my ex's pathology is no longer helpful or useful, but there's definitely a reason why I went there in the first place. No other girl I've ever felt the need to do that.

[Ajax]

When you don't understand the reason for your loss' date=' it's very hard to move on. When you have almost no bad memories of your ex until the day they ended things, and they never communicated any dissatisfaction and right until the end they said and did all the right things to convince you that things were good and you were on the same page, that's a mindf*ck that takes time to come to terms with.[/quote']

 

I think you're right GP. My breakup was similar, as we've noted on many occasions. I think when things go from a relationship at it's peak straight to the breakup, there's a dissconnect in the processing which leads to a stunted recovery.

 

It may not be fair of them to spring it on us like this, but life's not fair and we still have to do what we can to recover.

 

What did you learn?

 

1. Date a women that has been love.

2. Date a women who has had her heart broken.

3. Date a women that has has a history of long term relationship(s).

4. etc. (you know what to look for now)

 

What did I learn?

 

1. Date women that are older than 25.

2. Date women that have got the partying out of their system.

3. Date women with life experience.

4. Etc. .

 

And that's a good start!