Alfie Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 So I've been reading many posts about couples who are "stuck" in unhappy marriages. Many of them claim that they saw some red flags/warning signs in their partners before they married them, that they knew it was a bad idea before they got married, but chose to stick around. I'm not so concerned w why they stuck around bc its obvious many times, but I want to know what were those red flags that you saw back then that did not change over the course of the marriage, that finally pushed you to the edge of divorce. Are we talking about being bad in bed, not being in love, being an over spender, etc.......what were those red flags? Link to post Share on other sites
myoung13 Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Some of the major red flags are dishonesty, excessive drinking, drugs, general selfishness, blowing up instead having rational arguments, bad money habits, being overly controlled by their parents, having major religious differences, not having the same values and morals (on sex before marriage, living together, etc.) These are just some, hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alfie Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Some of the major red flags are dishonesty, excessive drinking, drugs, general selfishness, blowing up instead having rational arguments, bad money habits, being overly controlled by their parents, having major religious differences, not having the same values and morals (on sex before marriage, living together, etc.) These are just some, hope that helps. Thanks, yes it does help. And thank God that none of those things are an issue in my current relationship...... Link to post Share on other sites
myoung13 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Great to hear! My wife and agreed on all of those major aspects of marriage and have been wonderfully married for 9 years next Wednesday. One I forgot, by the way, was kids. Make sure you agree on having kids and roughly how many. In other words, if you want 8 and he wants 1, that could be a problem! Link to post Share on other sites
Lecturer Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Biggest was sexual incompatibility, and controlling nature. The sexual incompatibility was to the point where I found myself jealous of other relationships... I think that was a very bad sign right there. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 sexual incompatibility different communication styles different interests Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 So I've been reading many posts about couples who are "stuck" in unhappy marriages. Many of them claim that they saw some red flags/warning signs in their partners before they married them, that they knew it was a bad idea before they got married, but chose to stick around. I'm not so concerned w why they stuck around bc its obvious many times, but I want to know what were those red flags that you saw back then that did not change over the course of the marriage, that finally pushed you to the edge of divorce. Are we talking about being bad in bed, not being in love, being an over spender, etc.......what were those red flags? I'm assuming you ask so that you can apply it for yourself? See you could ask what those red flags are but that information may or may not be of value to you because everyone/couple is different. Also note that many unhappy marriages are unhappy because things changed...circumstances change, people change...everything changes. You are wondering about the red flags that didnt change that lead to an unhappy marriage....I'm wondering if it perhaps had more to do with what changed rather than what didnt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alfie Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 I'm assuming you ask so that you can apply it for yourself? See you could ask what those red flags are but that information may or may not be of value to you because everyone/couple is different. Also note that many unhappy marriages are unhappy because things changed...circumstances change, people change...everything changes. You are wondering about the red flags that didnt change that lead to an unhappy marriage....I'm wondering if it perhaps had more to do with what changed rather than what didnt. Yes you're right, I guess a huge aspect of unhappy marriages is what changed over the years..however, I'm not married and I can't predict the future so I can only focus on the now, and what could be red flags now. I don't foresee many things that could be red flags before marriage as things that could be changed after, for example sexual compatibility. IMO that seems to be one of the biggest issues in those marriage, and I can't see how a couple can go from having great sexual compatibility to a horrible one. Not talking about quantity, but quality here. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I see the point about change, but it my case it was really more about not taking the red flags seriously in the beginning due to infatuation mode. Link to post Share on other sites
pinkie Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Clingy, insecure, and controlling behavior... Something like Denise xo says, is when in the beginning you don't realize it because you're infatuated.. But as time goes on the situation becomes worse. The day you look up and realize this person is all you have because they've isolated you from all of your friends and family... When you want to go get into your own space, but they become manipulative and don't want you out of their sight... you think it's a sweet way for them to look after you in the beginning. Most times by the time you figure out what's really going on, it's too late. You lose your own identity and become a shell of what other people use to know of yourself. A very unhappy and miserable existance. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yes you're right, I guess a huge aspect of unhappy marriages is what changed over the years..however, I'm not married and I can't predict the future so I can only focus on the now, and what could be red flags now. I don't foresee many things that could be red flags before marriage as things that could be changed after, for example sexual compatibility. IMO that seems to be one of the biggest issues in those marriage, and I can't see how a couple can go from having great sexual compatibility to a horrible one. Not talking about quantity, but quality here. There are many things can drastically alter a sex life in the case of both quanity, and quality. Age , Childbirth, Health issues being some of the biggest. As we age more health issues arise and hormones change which can affect libido. There are also things people go through like the death of a child, or demise of a career. The threat to "good sex" is a risk that we all take because life is unpredictable and you never know when you will find yourself facing something grave. These are not new issues, but maybe our acknowledgement and awareness of them are, and on the same foot..maybe our awareness and acknowledgement is not where it should be. Another threat to a regularly good sex life is guilt. People who just do not have the libido they once had, feeling guilty about not satisfying their partners and either retreating into themselves or just "taking one for the team." Communication is so important, but I gather from my observance that few people actually understand what communication is. You will often times see a whole message board of people writing things to perfect strangers - that they do not, or do not think to, or feel they can't tell their own spouses. You need to feel safe telling your partner every and anything; and if you really cannot do that you should evaluate why because as these things in life start to happen, that is when you are going to need to be able to express your true thoughts and feelings to your partner the most, and vice versa if you are going to be able to find ways to get through things and both be satisfied within your relationship. Not just sex, other things too. Link to post Share on other sites
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