Smalls Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 I was sitting by my man when he was checking his email. Well I heard him say that he was changing his password (we knew eachothers). Now come on girls you now thats a little suspicious. So i tried and tried and finally got it the next day. Only to find out that he had written to another girl that he would rather pay child support than deal with me being prego. OMG that hurt more than anything I have ever felt in my life. I went into a panic attack and was crying and it was terrible. That was an insult t my child as well. He seemed kinda flirty in this email also. This was 2 weeks ago and we talked and im trying to forget about it but its stuck in my head. Should I give us a break? Whats the deal? Why did he do this? Im 4 months prego and thinking that I should end it now. Pplease anything would help! Thanks! Smalls Link to post Share on other sites
echocrush Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 Men often go through a difficult time when their SO is pregnant, they don't always talk about it like women do. They are facing a lot of responsibility, fear, what ifs... I don't think it is unusual for them to turn their attentions on another woman... But that doesn't make it right. If it were me I would sit down and have a conversation with him that went something like... You are obviously having some problems with the idea of me having a baby. This child deserves to have two parents who are commited to it, I am commited and i need to know you are too. I'm going to give you some time to think about this, and I need to know if you are in or out. I guess the point is if you end up staying with him in the frame of mind he is in now, this will not be a good thing. Resentment will grow and he will take it out on you and the child, he is being very disrespectful to both of you right now, and if you do not let him know this is unacceptable now then it will only get worse. I can't say stay or leave, because that is a decision for you alone... but can you handle it if it does get worse?? Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 how long have you guys gone out for? how old are you two? I have gone out with my bf for 2 years and 3 months and i would be furious if my bf if even thought like that.. I wouldn't be with him.. how can you trust him? it makes it seem that once you have the baby he will put you aside and leave you.. maybe to this other girl.. no girl should be treated this way.. and i don't think the problem is that you have to forget it.. instead he has to prove it to you that he is with you for the right reasons.. he has to make it up to you.. Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 i think it was a messed up thing for him to do. i dont forgive and forget. echo said something about how the guy feels. i dont think that compares to how you feel and having another life growing inside of and all the changes and effects of being pregnant so he doesnt have much of anything to compare to you. i'm sorry but that was horrid of him and you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy4534624 Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 Hey girl i'm in the same situation kinda, almost 6 mos preggo now. Read my post "any single moms" good luck Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 He doesn't sound like he's ready for the responsibility or that he wants it. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 My words are double-edged in this situation: You need to talk to him about the situation. I'm sure he's having a difficult time dealing with the situation. If he really feels this way, he has the right to leave and you certainly have a right to know about his intentions. He could be acting irrationally out of stress, but I do agree that his behavior, or at least what he has said, is not admirable. You should not invade his privacy. By HiDDeN PiGLeT ...i dont forgive and forget... Forgiveness is a virtue. Harboring hatred deteriorates the quality of a person. Forgetting, however, is something no one should ever do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smalls Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 at this point he has no privacy after saying something like that. i dont understand where hes coming from and i think its bull that anyone would even say that i should understand. i am pregnant, getting fat, have no friends or family near by, throw up every day, cant drink, cant smoke, feel like crap from day til night, weird things happening to my body and MIND! im the one that is suffering not him. the last thing i am going to do is feel sorry for him. i told him when i got prego that he didnt have to be a part of it. i did it to be nice because were young and i didnt want to ruin his life also. im 22 and hes 23. i am excited to bring theis awesome human being into the world and ill be damned if hes gonna make me feel like i am making him be there. what killed me was him saying that he has always wanted a family! well then act like it is my thoughts. thank you very much for advice people! i appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 I have to agree with Faux. One thing you have to remember is that you two are still young, and he is probably scarred shi*less right now. Youre not the only one going through this. What you need to do is you need to speak to him. Dont tell him about invading his email, that will rock the boat more (dont do that again either, we all make mistakes), but once again offer him his options. It will be pretty obvious what he is up to. LBut like I said, in five months, youre lives are going to change forever, and that is pretty scary in and of itself. But your best bet right now is to talk to him, becuase he is probaby trembling in his shoes pretty badly right now. Best o luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
moimme Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 eewww, you are in a sticky situation sweetie...i was in the same one just a few months ago...please listen to what i am about to say because we sound like we went through a lot of the same thing... my husband and i got married about 3 months ago, and i am about 6 and a half months pregnant, whenever it happened he was in and out and very very scared, which i realize sounds like bull**** to you, because you can't run away from it, hell i wanted to plenty of times, and he could just take a vacation and think, and i had to prepare for my baby, and no he isn't going through all the **** you are and it's totally unfair and i resent the **** out of it, but that's life, and you'll be the favorite, haha, I am 20 years old, we had a hard time with learning boundaries and power struggles because we weren't together for long before all this.. i love him to pieces, and he drives me absolutely insane..the only thing i regret about the whole thing, is ever voiceing my opinion on marriage and him being a part of it, i was too scared of doing it alone, but i promise you, leave him alone, tell him you are fully capable of doing it on your own, and allow him to come to that decision, because you will always wonder and that leads to unnecessary insecurities that hurt the relationship... and with the e-mail thing, it sucks, mark cheated on me when he first found out. but either you don't let it go, and let him go, or you have to decide if it's worth leaving him over...once you make that decision, let it go..(removed email address) so write me, all my friends are gone too, well sorority sisters that get busy with that **** and i am stuck at home while my husband is at football practice! it sucks!~ Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 what killed me was him saying that he has always wanted a family! well then act like it is my thoughts. Maybe he did want a family, but not this soon. To the extend that this man was responsible before you got pregnant is the extend that he will be after you got pregnant. Responsibility is something you learn and that you develop. It's not something you just magically put on. I think it's unrealistic of us women to assume that a man is all of a sudden going to be happy and take responsibility just because he finds out he's having a baby. Especially when he doesn't know how to take responsibility. I think it comes easier for women because they grewn up around their mothers and have more of a blueprint on how to do the mother thing, or because we're carrying the child, something instinctive kicks in with us. Unfortunately, it's not like that with men and if they didn't grow up around their fathers, they don't know what it's like to be a father. So talk with him and find out if he's ready for this....again. Prepare yourself if he says no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smalls Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 I do assume and expect him to take full responsibility only because when i first got prego i TOLD him that he did not have to have anything to do with it. That was his chance to run and he failed to do so. When I got prego is wehn he told me that he was excited and has always wanted a family. It was unexpected for us both but IM sorry he was there also and therefore i dont feel sorry for him. Especially when he doesnt have to do anything but watch me grow and be uncomfortable and in pain. No excuses for me! LOL IM not a rude or mean person and I dont expect him to grow up! But I do expect him to talk to me and tell me that. Thats all that I ever asked and ever will. Money is no object at all. My brothers and I all grew up without fathers, we turned out just fine! Thanks for the input! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Smalls: I don't think any man enjoys seeing his wife going through pregnancy, especially if they're going through a difficult one where they're sick and uncomfortable alot. Men don't like to see women in that kind of pain. So it may not be a joyful time for him right now. My husband told me that he does not want to see me go through pregnancy because it would be difficult for him to deal with seeing me sick, and going through labor knowing there's not much he can do to ease the pain. Also realize that when you first got pregnant, he may have been all for it, and may have been excited, but as time went on, reality sunk in as he started seeing your grow and get sick. This has now become real to him. So he may feel differently now than he did in the beginning. He maybe afraid to tell you that with you being pregnant. He may feel that your hormones are raging, that you're emotional, that you're uncomfortable, and he doesn't want to add to that with his nervousness. He may actually be scared and hanging in there with you because he doesn't want to desert you while you're pregnant. So as the pregnancy progress, it's good to have heart to heart talks to see where his head and heart is at. Don't just feel that what he said in the beginning can't change. It can. Have more heart to heart talks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smalls Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 I dont know what planet your from but COME ON! The last thing IM going to do is cater to his feelings hunny. Were either in this together or not. Him not being there will upset me but hes the one who cried begging me to stay after I found out. He can leave at any time and he knows it. I posted this to ask how I get over it, not asking for sympathy for him. Believe me he has enough. I am awesome to him and do everything for him. Even pregnant! I have heart to hearts with him all the time and I cant get over the he said what he did. thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 It's understandable that people anticipating a child often get scared, sometimes resentful, and uncertain about the future. And it is a good thing for you to have been honest with about whether he wanted to be a part of this baby's life or not. Some people just aren't ready for the full time emotional committment you have to make to a child. But if even if they aren't ready to give emotional resources to this child, they at the least are obligated to give a financial one. I can even see your bf sharing his fears with friends or family. But he's making these comments to some girl while he is flirting with her? Maybe it was eavesdropping on his email, and you should respect his privacy, it doesn't really discount what he said, however. I'd ask him right out again what role he wants to play in his child's life. Let's hope he's mature enough to be honest about how he really feels. Even if you two did break up, you could at least establish an amicable relationship for the child's sake. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Originally posted by Smalls i am pregnant, getting fat, have no friends or family near by, throw up every day, cant drink, cant smoke, feel like crap from day til night, weird things happening to my body and MIND! im the one that is suffering not him. the last thing i am going to do is feel sorry for him. I agree with you. If anyone should be scared or stressed it's you. He's just having the typical reaction because he CAN run, whereas women never can. We always cater to men and their fragile feelings, whereas you're going through everything you mentioned, plus the pain of childbirth, plus the discomfort after, plus having to get back in shape and to always have more responsibility for that child then he ever will. Because that's usually women's lot in life. MOST of the time we take care of the child much much more than the father does, even when the father is a particularly active one. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 You won't be able to get over what he said until you find out why he said it. Until then, you'll always be questioning and wondering if this is something he's down with for the long haul. The fact that he changed his password was evident that there were things he would be doing or saying that he didn't want you to find out about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smalls Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 I totally agree with waht you said. Dont get me wrong I love this man to death and would do anything for him. That being mostly the reason why I was excited to have this child. When I found out I was prego I cried out of fear and he smiled from ear to ear happy as can be. Hes the one talking about getting married at this point while im trying to push away cause i am scared after what was said. As far as his email he always asks me to check it for him during the day and then decided to change the password! thats more than enough reason to be suspicious! LMAO! I just dont understand when everyone says hes scared and to deal with it. Dont you think im scared about getting ripped open? Its killing me and i die just thinking about it but I go to him and talk about the problems and I talk thinks out. I dont run to another mans arms, thats for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Have you asked him why he decided to change his password? And has he asked you to check it since he changed it? If he hasn't, why not ask him "well, since you changed your password, why don't you give me the new one like you gave me the old one?" See what his response is. If he gives it to you, you're good. If he comes up with a bunch of excuses and doesn't, then I would keep my eye open. I do think you had reasons to be suspcious if he changed it and didn't give it to you since he gave you the other one before. As to why he said what he said, I don't know. But keep your eyes open. Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 first of all he has no right to discuss that with anyone else but the two person involved. if he has a problem with her and the baby then bring it up to her. she has every right and obviously he reads her emails as well is he has her password so it's a shared thing. and once in such a commitment where he fathered a child or rather child to be, he has a responsibility to be honest and straight to the mother of the child. he should have thought about the consequences before he decided to do the deed. honestly people, in a relationship would you like to know that your other part is cheating on you or thinking about cheating on you esp when you're pregnant. its dishonest. just b/c the girl cant go out and cheat doesnt give him the right to do it. obviously she thought something was wrong in the first place to look and she was right. she followed her instinct and she was right. she has every right to do whatever it takes to protect her happiness as well as her child and her well beinging. i say you go girl and do what you have to. obviously she has to take care of her and her child b/c he cant or wouldnt do what he needs to. the woman is the one going thru all the stress and emotions and changes. what he doing? worrying about who or where is next f*ck is coming from that he might not be able to screw another woman?? how would any of you like to be stuck at home while your other one is out with someone else and not just as a friend? what is she suppose to tell her child when he/she is old enough to ask where is daddy or why is daddy not here? how many of you have grown up a family that's broken or where one parent is cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smalls Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 thank you so much for that reply. it makes me feel so much better that im not blowing this up! i obviousley feel the same way when i come home from work and hes out at the bars every night having a gay old time. where do i go? uumm to the mall to look at slothes that dont fit! LMAO! i just think the same thing as you do and it made me feel so good that you wrote that. People say that men are scared of commitment but after coming in me they should have thought about it before. he did what he did and i dont now if i can forgive and forget. its something that i have to make my mind up on and it worries me becuase id like to leave it behind us. but every time i look at him im thinking about it! i will not be able to look at him holding our child and thinking (does he really want to be holding him). i was just talking to a girl from work about men and we were talking about how many men arent even the real father to the children these days but appreciate them more. i had a step father growing up because my father wasnt there and i love him more than i could ever love anyone! theres always that open doo there for him to walk out and believe me its even open more now for me! again thanks for understanding! its a relief! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Smalls: I would give him the benefit of the doubt to give me the password. If he doesn't give you the password, being that you know it now, I would repeatedly check up on his e-mails. That may work to a certain extend. He could have other e-mail addresses with other accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smalls Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 we knew eachothers forever then he changed his and i luckily guessed it. why would he change it if there was nothing going on between them??? if it was innocent then he wouldnt have cared if i seen the emails! i never checked his email unless he asked. i had no reason to check up until i seen him changing it! enough reason for me! Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 i agree with KD. he could have other email addresses and what not. i donno how much you can trust this guy. i'm sorry sweetie but you deserve better than that and so does your child. i would tell him that. b/c he's responsible for half of that makes of that child. as much as you like it or not he has a say even if its a small say. he needs to step up to the plate or side the game out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smalls Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 yeah he may have a say so but not while the child is in me. i can leave at any time and by him stressing me out isnt helping the pregnancy! not at all! again thanks for the reality checks people! lots of love and hope it doesnt happen to anyone else~! Link to post Share on other sites
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