how to deal with his overbearing, RUDE mother?

[tfkizzle]

My bf recently and unexpectedly proposed, and I was very excited to accept his proposal.

 

My parents offered to pay for the wedding, and gave me a budget to work with. My fiance and I want to keep the wedding relatively small, around 100 people.

 

My parents (who are paying for everything): super cool about everything. They've offered to help with anything that I want them to help with, but don't nag me constantly about details or decisions; when I ask their opinions they give some good suggestions of things to consider, but refrain from stating what they prefer to do, in the context of "your wedding should be what YOU want it to be"; all the choices I make are met with "that's the most beautiful dress I've ever seen" and "those colors sound lovely" and "good idea!". When I sent them my guest list for review and asked if there was anyone they wanted to include they said "nope, family is most important to us (who are on the list) so go ahead and invite whomever you'd like to be there".

 

His parents (who are not contributing financially, and have not offered to help in any way): really getting on my nerves.

 

Fiance and I both made our preliminary guest lists of 45-50 people each that we really want to be at our wedding. He mentioned that his parents might want to invite a few people, so I emailed his mom that we are trying to stay around 100 people, and could she send me a list of 10-20 people she'd like to invite, and that we are not inviting children.

 

She ignored me for weeks; then when pressed refused to give me a list because she thought it was too early for that. I emailed her why I needed the information, and she ignored me, so I had my fiance talk to her.

 

I didn't hear from her for 5 or 6 weeks from my initial request, so I went ahead with planning for a budget that included 100-115 people.

 

She finally sent me a list of names - that is 40% of our total guest list, and includes children. She refuses to make any cuts, but has not offered to pay for anything.

 

So even though we had already booked a venue for the reception (thank goodness we didn't have to pay a deposit yet), my fiance thinks we should look elsewhere (read: cheaper) to accommodate a larger guest list. Which would be OK if she had told me over a month ago, before I booked something and made a budget, that there was no way in hell she could possibly consider being respectful enough to my request and keep her list to 10 - 20 people.

 

She keeps inviting herself to every appointment we have with vendors and things - none of which have anything to do with her! My fiance says that it's because she's excited, but I honestly feel like it's because she's overbearing and thinks she knows better than we do. She hasn't once said "I'd love to help with XYZ, so please let me know if I can do anything or if you want me to come along when you meet with the event coordinator/photog/etc." She just demands to be informed of our appointments because she wants to come along. My fiance doesn't see anything wrong with any of her behavior, and it's causing some tension in our relationship.

 

My mom just keeps telling me to try to get along with her and not let his mom's behavior come in-between my relationship with my fiance, and that she obviously has good qualities because she raised such a great son. My mom says to let her come to whatever she wants, as long as I don't let her railroad me into choices that I don't agree with or things that I don't want. But, I am having a hard time with this, because I think his mother is so rude, overbearing, obnoxious, intrusive and controlling.

 

Any tips on how to deal with this stuff?

Edited June 1, 2011 by tfkizzle

[vsmini]

Honey - set the ground rules NOW. You said 15-20 and she's refusing to cut down her list? Well then you sit her down (it'll be tough) and tell her it has to be done. Do not BUDGE on the children thing - your wedding, your choice.

 

Don't use phrases "well I think it's best if..." or "it would be great if you could cut the list down" it needs to be "the list needs to get down to 20 people, it's the only way we can make it work out." This can be said while still maintaining a nice tone.

 

Let your fiance know you are going to talk to her - don't ask him if you can, let him know you will talk to her. Don't give anyone any wiggle-room on the matter. state your case and let it be closed.

 

I understand compromise is important but in this case - set your groundwork now....because if she can push you before you get that wedding ring on your finger, she can push you after too. Be kind, civil and lay down the law.

[pilotDXB]

Shut it down (her behaviour). It would be one thing if she was pleasant, but the fact that she isnt paying for anything, wont respond in a timely manner to informatin requests, and feels she has to butt in will only create a snowball effect and coul affect your relationship with you fiancee.

 

Also, you need to make him understand how her attitude is affecting your planning. Assert yourself.

[tfkizzle]

Shut it down (her behaviour). Assert yourself.

 

But how? I don't feel there's anyway for me to be more assertive than I already am in most regards - the next step is to become confrontational, but then I look like the bad guy. I mean, when I say "I need your guest list by the end of the week" and she says "No" and I say "You need to cut your list in half" and she says "No", what is the next step?

 

My bf doesn't think there is anything rude or wrong about his mother's behavior. He talked to her when I asked him to, but he definitely doesn't see the need to have a chat with his mom about her making an attitude adjustment, and I don't think it's my place to do that either - talk about creating a situation for my bf and I to start fighting and resenting each other.

 

Probably the one place where I could assert myself more is telling her no she can't come to our appointments, but my bf doesn't see why she shouldn't be allowed to be there, so I don't know how to go about tell her to buzz off, and then explaining to him why I'm right in doing so.

[vsmini]

You mentioned that the one place you could assert yourself more is choosing not to invite her along to all the appointments - but is that taking priority right now? Do you really mind if she comes? I feel like this is one way to include her and it might work to your benefit.

 

You also say that you tell her to cut her list and she says "no" so....she gets to all the shots? I highly doubt she believes that she's able to and she's probably just testing you (whether she realizes it or not) Let it be a stand off then - or you take her list and pick which 20 can come. I know it sounds ridiculous but if she's refusing to work with you then (and I know it sounds bad to look at it this way) either she is going to win...or you will...and who should be winning in this case?

 

The bride or the mother of the groom who isn't paying for sh*t? Get confrontational.

[tinktronik]

But how? I don't feel there's anyway for me to be more assertive than I already am in most regards - the next step is to become confrontational, but then I look like the bad guy. I mean, when I say "I need your guest list by the end of the week" and she says "No" and I say "You need to cut your list in half" and she says "No", what is the next step?

 

My bf doesn't think there is anything rude or wrong about his mother's behavior. He talked to her when I asked him to, but he definitely doesn't see the need to have a chat with his mom about her making an attitude adjustment, and I don't think it's my place to do that either - talk about creating a situation for my bf and I to start fighting and resenting each other.

 

Probably the one place where I could assert myself more is telling her no she can't come to our appointments, but my bf doesn't see why she shouldn't be allowed to be there, so I don't know how to go about tell her to buzz off, and then explaining to him why I'm right in doing so.

 

Tell her she has until X day to cut the list down to 15. Tell her if she does not cut it to 15 by X date you will invite the first 15 on the list (sans children) and no one else she has stipulated. Just explain the budget will not allow for it and that's all there is to it.

[Datura]

Yeah, she's "excited." Tell your fiance she is putting a damper on your excitement. It's absolutely ridiculous to have to change venues to accommodate her guests when she completely disregarded your deadline and stipulations. Do not change the venue. That in itself puts you in control. Also, remove those she invited of your choosing, as vsmini mentioned, along with those who have children.

 

My mom says to let her come to whatever she wants, as long as I don't let her railroad me into choices that I don't agree with or things that I don't want.

You shouldn't even be expected to put yourself into a situation where standing your ground may be an issue. That would likely be a tension filled meeting.

 

This is a day for you and your fiance, and so are the activities leading up to the wedding. His mother's role is damn near nonexistent - she's not paying for anything. You are being nice enough by allowing her to invite people. Don't overextend yourself any further, and if she does something you don't like, talk with her rather than asking your fiance to be the middleman.

[D-Lish]

Oh wow, Sounds exactly what I went through with my ex mother in law. She was horrible during our wedding. Wasn't contributing financially- but had a list of demands a mile long...including a guest list a mile long.

 

When we told her she was allowed 20 people on her list- she too gave me a much longer list and refused to compromise. She actually photocopied some invitations and sent them out without us knowing- she also told people to go ahead and bring their children when had not invited anyone under the age of 14. I was furious!!! We didn't have a recieving line because of time constrictions- and she didn't like this- so she decided to inform guests to start a line anyway. She was evil in so many ways- and never missed an opportunity to criticize our wedding plans.

 

15 Extra people showed up on the day of our wedding- people we hadn't invited (but she had given them photocopied invitations!!!). Our venue had to set up new tables and charged us an arm and a leg for the hassle. Good thing it was a bbq and there was enough food.

 

How do you handle a woman like this? You set boundaries. This should be your husband's job, he should be handling this. If you handle it, you're going to be "the bad guy". Are you seriously going to change your venue to accomodate HER????? Don't do it! You have a budget and a plan- and she needs to stick to your budget and plan.

 

Is your fiance afraid of confrontation with his mother? My exH was terrified of his mother. She knew how to manipulate him with tears and criticism. She was a nightmare.

 

I think you have to have a real good talk with your fiance. Discuss it without anger or accusations, and lay it out logically for him. He's got to be the bad guy on this because it's his mom. If she says no to cutting her list, you have to cut it for her- she needs to know that. Your husband can tell her you can't afford it- and see if she's willing to pitch in.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. When's the wedding?

Edited June 2, 2011 by D-Lish

[vsmini]

OMG D-Lish!

I never use the C-word but your ex mother in-law was well.....she sounds like one big giant C-WORD.

 

How horrible - good story to share and show the OP how some women can just walk all over everything as if they're the only people in the universe. Makes me so angry just thinking about it.

[D-Lish]

OMG D-Lish!

I never use the C-word but your ex mother in-law was well.....she sounds like one big giant C-WORD.

 

How horrible - good story to share and show the OP how some women can just walk all over everything as if they're the only people in the universe. Makes me so angry just thinking about it.

 

Lol, the c-word had it's place my friend:eek:

 

My ex MIL was such a horrible person.

I hope the OP isn't entering into waters that I had to deal with.

 

My exH could NOT stand up to his mother- not for himself, not for me, not for our marriage...

[heartshaped]

I've been here done that and I've got to tell you this is only the start. If you don't start boundaries now, next it'll be when you two buy a home she'll be trying to dictate which home you should buy, then when you have children she will try to tell you how to raise them etc etc. You've got to nip this in the bud now and if he's not standing up for you to his mom he never will. Is he a momma's boy? Is he afraid of her? Some people will do anything to make their parents happy and if he is one of those people you are in for a world of trouble. You are going to be his wife- you need to come before his mother and I would tell him that and get this straight before the two of you get married.

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[PegNosePete]

Tell her she has until X day to cut the list down to 15. Tell her if she does not cut it to 15 by X date you will invite the first 15 on the list (sans children) and no one else she has stipulated. Just explain the budget will not allow for it and that's all there is to it.

Yeah, this! In fact I would tell her that if she does not cooperate with your instructions then you will not invite ANY of her list... but maybe I am not so diplomatic in these situations... tink's way is probably better

 

She's being incredibly rude. It's YOUR wedding and you can invite whoever YOU like. If you want to bugger off to the Caribbean and get married with NO-ONE else present then you can if you like. Asking her for a list of guests she'd like to invite was a COURTESY and FAVOUR that you did for her, and she is throwing that in your face. If she knows she can say "no" to you with no consequences and get her way, then she will continue, not only with the wedding plans but years in the future. There's no point telling her to do things if she can just say "no" with no consequences. So lay down what the consequences of non-cooperation will be.

 

And tell your BF to grow a backbone!!! It is HIS job to deal with his mother's RUDENESS! What will happen if/when you have kids, will she be attending the birth and first day at school and choosing all the wallpaper and even the child's name? You have to shut this sh*t down RIGHT NOW! If it means being the bad guy - so be it. You're reacting to the situation, not causing it.

Edited June 2, 2011 by PegNosePete

[tfkizzle]

Thanks for all the responses! I will have to read them more in depth later today when I have more time.

 

The good news is, last night, my fiance brought up his mother's guest list: said it's just ridiculous and he couldn't understand why some of the people she put on it she want is even considering inviting. He said that he's going to have a talk with her and tell her that we only want our close friends and family, that this is supposed to be a more intimate wedding, and she needs to cut her list. He actually already cut it for her, and told me which people he is telling her she is not allowed to invite.

 

We do now have to go back to the children discussion, because he said he did really want to have the kids there who are on his mom's list. I told him that if they are invited he has to invite all his friends' children (which he doesn't want there), and I have to invite all the children of people on my guest list (which I don't want there) and we have to come up with a special menu for them (which I don't want to worry about).

[PegNosePete]

We do now have to go back to the children discussion, because he said he did really want to have the kids there who are on his mom's list. I told him that if they are invited he has to invite all his friends' children (which he doesn't want there), and I have to invite all the children of people on my guest list (which I don't want there) and we have to come up with a special menu for them (which I don't want to worry about).

Absolutely, you can't make one rule for them and another rule for others. I guarantee someone will get upset and ask you (on your big day!) how come these children were invited but they had to run around for hours and spend lots of money getting a babysitter for theirs. That is REALLY not what you want 5 minutes before cutting the cake. You might even lose friends over it.

 

Why on EARTH does he want his mum's friends' children there but not his own friends children?? Seems he is just scared to say NO to her, that is all there is to it. If you don't want children there then stick to your guns. It's your wedding, you make the rules. I didn't invite children to mine and a few people queried it, and a few people said they could not come because of it (couldn't find babysitter or child is too young for babysitter). But you make the rules and the guests either stick to them or do not come - their choice.

 

Most important, you need to present a unified front to his mother. If you're saying no to children and he is saying yes or maybe or negotiating with her, then she will choose to listen to him and ignore you. The most important thing when dealing with this kind of person is to agree between the two of you first, and then both say the SAME thing to her. If you're united and firm with what you say then she won't have any options.

[tfkizzle]

 

How do you handle a woman like this? You set boundaries. This should be your husband's job, he should be handling this. If you handle it, you're going to be "the bad guy". Are you seriously going to change your venue to accomodate HER????? Don't do it! You have a budget and a plan- and she needs to stick to your budget and plan.

 

Is your fiance afraid of confrontation with his mother? My exH was terrified of his mother. She knew how to manipulate him with tears and criticism. She was a nightmare.

 

I think you have to have a real good talk with your fiance. Discuss it without anger or accusations, and lay it out logically for him. He's got to be the bad guy on this because it's his mom. If she says no to cutting her list, you have to cut it for her- she needs to know that. Your husband can tell her you can't afford it- and see if she's willing to pitch in.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. When's the wedding?

WoW D-Lish - your ex-MIL's behavior makes my FMIL look like Emily Post! I really don't understand what is wrong with some people!

 

I agree that it is my bf's place to say something to his mother. He's very laid back about a lot of things, and I don't think he has good boundaries with his mother, but I don't know where exactly that comes from - fear, or just being used to it and thinking it's normal, or something else (maybe even just because he's so laid back). I have seen him stand up to his mother when she pushes him too far, but then she gets upset and he typically gives in so she gets her way. She is a master of the guilt trip, and he doesn't like conflict. He sees the good in people to a fault, and so he always makes excuses for people (like saying his mom's intrusive behavior is just excitement).

 

We set the date for next May, which in theory is plenty of time to plan, but fiance and I will be out of the country for 6 weeks, and then I will be out of state for training for 8 weeks right in the middle of that planning period. My fiance's sister is getting married also, and she only has a 6 month engagement, and his mom just loves reminding me that I have it so easy because I chose to have a longer engagement. Someone should tell her it's not a contest.

 

How long did you date before he proposed and was she always this way? In every single marriage I saw with an overbearing mother resulted in divorce.

She didn't start giving me attitude until around the time she found out he was going to propose. At the time I recalled wondering what bug was up her butt, but didn't put it together until he proposed and I found out his mom had known he had bought a ring (I was surprised by the proposal).

 

She's always been nosy and kind of overbearing, but for most things it wasn't a big deal - she'd call him to nag him about car insurance, or multivitamins, or something at his house she thought he should fix, and he'd be like "OK whatever Mom". This seems a bit different. I think one huge problem isn't exactly that she's overbearing, but that everything is always all about her.

 

You mentioned that the one place you could assert yourself more is choosing not to invite her along to all the appointments - but is that taking priority right now? Do you really mind if she comes? I feel like this is one way to include her and it might work to your benefit.

 

I really, really do mind if she comes to things, but only because she's being such a bitch, and I'm afraid she's going to press her opinions and desires, and my bf will possibly feel compelled to appease her, and all of this would/is making planning our wedding really unpleasant, which it shouldn't be. The people paying the bills aren't being *******s, or insisting that things be done their way, or holding anything up, so I hate that the person who isn't contributing in any way is making things difficult.

 

I do see the value in letting her come to some things, but she's just made me dread even discussing wedding plans in front of her, so that I don't want her around because she's such a drag.

 

 

Most important, you need to present a unified front to his mother. If you're saying no to children and he is saying yes or maybe or negotiating with her, then she will choose to listen to him and ignore you. The most important thing when dealing with this kind of person is to agree between the two of you first, and then both say the SAME thing to her. If you're united and firm with what you say then she won't have any options.

This is very good advice.

Edited June 3, 2011 by tfkizzle

[vsmini]

Srsly honey - KICK SOME ASS...for all the women that never did and regretted it deeply!

[tfkizzle]

Srsly honey - KICK SOME ASS...for all the women that never did and regretted it deeply!

 

I am right at that point. I had a talk with my fiance this morning, so we will see if that did any good or changes anything.

 

We have one appointment this weekend that my fiance already told her she could come to, but this is going to be the last one; I'm saying no to every future request even if it makes me look rude.

 

I'm also going to stop worrying about being nice and not offending anyone.

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[vsmini]

I strongly urge you to read this short article:

 

Regrets of the Dying. It lists the top 5 regrets a palliative care MD noted when speaking to her patients over a number of years.

 

#3 was - I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings

 

http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

[Dust]

I just went to a wedding that only had one kid. A little girl who was probably 2 or 3 years old. She talked so loud (screamed) through the entire wedding. There was baby there too, it cried.

 

100-115 people sounds like a big wedding to me. You’re family should really ask his family to pitch in. I understand that you are the girl and in a way the bride is the star of the wedding… but still his family should contribute.

 

On a side note you need to shut your soon to be mother in law down. Have your fiancé do it for you. Tell him she needs to stick by the rules. It will be his job to narrow down her list if she refuses. It’s bad enough she hasn’t offered to pay now this crap.

 

I seriously hate my gf’s mother some times. Other times she doesn’t bother me. This might pass. The thing is I don’t shy away from confrontation and I blame my girlfriend for her mothers behavior cause its her job to get her mother in line.

[Datura]

I strongly urge you to read this short article:

 

Regrets of the Dying. It lists the top 5 regrets a palliative care MD noted when speaking to her patients over a number of years.

 

#3 was - I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings

 

http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

 

Although this is in response to another, my personal thanks.