lostone4me Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 We've been married for 10 years. She recently had an emotional affair. It has been over for 4 months. I am trying to trust her again. She suffers from mild to moderate depression and is in counselling and taking mild medication. She is trying to "find herself" and I am trying to give her space. The problem is, whenever she goes to do things without me, it is almost always with her only really good friend that she was with when her emotional affair started. She does not respect the fact that it drives me insane when she goes out for drinks with this friend, etc. I understand her need for her own identity. I get it. Why does it always have to involve this specific friend? Am I being controlling? Am I in the wrong? I have explained my feelings and she persistently says that this friend is like a sister to her......it's driving me crazy. Incidently, I love my wife and we have made progress on our marriage but this is a frickin hot button for me. Advice please!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Actually, no you're not wrong. If she were interested in rebuilding your trust in her she would be doing the things that you need for her to do to make that happen. Which includes not being in contact with this person who enabled her affair. How do you know it wasn't a physical affair? Sorry, don't know your story- haven't been here in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostone4me Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 This will sound naive, but because she said so...and I believe her. I'm not sure her friend "enabled" it but her existence did. Her friend is a trainwreck of a marriage and I fear my wife is falling victim to a bad influence. For the record, I like her friend a lot. We have great times when we socialize as a family but I don't like the way she acts when she socializes on her own (the friend I mean). My wife is starting to act like a teenager and I'm the Dad.... I truly believe that she would be devastated if we divorced. We have two kids (5 & 6). She just seems more interested in herself at the moment than with our family structure and that is extremely out of character for her. I think it may be a MLC, but I am growing very impatient...... I'm thinking of confronting the "Friend". Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 The friend is not the problem-your wife is the problem. I know you don't want to see it as such but she's being selfish and inconsiderate. How did you discover the affair? Did she tell you or did you find out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostone4me Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 I agree that she is being inconsiderate. I keep thinking its a phase and she will one day she will realize how she's been acting. I don't know if I can wait it out....I am not a patient person by nature. I found emails to the OM. She has not shown a lot of remorse.....more like she tries to justify what she was doing. That makes rebuilding trust even more difficult. We get along pretty well most of the time, but we go over the cliff on some issues. Tonight was one of those times. I am leaving town for a few nights for the first time in a long time. Her "friend" called her this afternoon and invited her to go out for drinks with her boss and another guy. She went....got home at 11 and tried to convince me what an a hole I'm being for having an issue with it. She seems to be trying to get under my skin. If she is, it's working. I guess I feel if her friend was aware of the tension that is created by her invitations that they would stop and things would get better. If my wife found out I confronted her friend, things would get much worse. Maybe I'm just being insecure. I don't know. All I know is that it eats away at me to the point that I cannot sleep...... Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 . Her "friend" called her this afternoon and invited her to go out for drinks with her boss and another guy. She went....got home at 11 and tried to convince me what an a hole I'm being for having an issue with it. .... Hmm interesting, lol , you to your wife. "Have a great time dear, remember to take your key because I might still be out" Then off you go, join one of these meetup groups, they are great, there is always something going on. Don't cheat on your wife but they are great mixed groups. Do a little bit of harmless flirting it will make you feel 10 million times better. There is no need to tell your wife where you are, if she asks just say you went with "friends". Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 . She suffers from mild to moderate depression and is in counselling and taking mild medication. She is trying to "find herself" and I am trying to give her space. !! Always the same excuse, every time Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostone4me Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Rob, thanks. I have considered going on offense and doing things very similar to what you suggest. I am concerned that it may drive her away though. Maybe I shouldn't be. I love my wife more than anything and I do not want to lose her, but maybe I need to try to stop being "nice" to her to help her become happy again. Confused on how to handle it and I am very rarely confused...... Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Rob, thanks. I have considered going on offense and doing things very similar to what you suggest. I am concerned that it may drive her away though. Maybe I shouldn't be. I love my wife more than anything and I do not want to lose her, but maybe I need to try to stop being "nice" to her to help her become happy again. Confused on how to handle it and I am very rarely confused...... Ohh you got me all wrong, No one is saying be nasty. You are doing this for yourself. That's why you don't crow about it. Don't tell her your going to do it, just do it!! Actions speak louder than words!! Repeat this is not going on the offense ok. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Rob, thanks. I have considered going on offense and doing things very similar to what you suggest. I am concerned that it may drive her away though. Maybe I shouldn't be. I love my wife more than anything and I do not want to lose her, but maybe I need to try to stop being "nice" to her to help her become happy again. Confused on how to handle it and I am very rarely confused...... My guess is you are coming off all needy to her, not attractive!! Also another question, How does she speak to you? Does she often speak to you in a nasty tone? Link to post Share on other sites
scaredandalone1223 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 A year ago I could have written a similar post....from your wife's prospective! My husband and I had been married over 12 years, married young and had 2 children. I somehow believed I had 'missed out' on something and was determined to get it back. My husband was a great provider, loyal, trustworthy, etc., but I, at 33, felt something was lacking. He never wanted to go out and 'have a good time', never tried to have a night out with the guys and wasn't too crazy about the idea of me doing it. Now I never had a EA, per say, but I did have a fb account where I chit chatted with lots of single friends. Not flirting or anything but w/ so many single friends I got caught up in the grass is greedier way of thinking. We had a great mutual friend, someone who was very much like a sister to both of us. Due to a divorce early on and subsequent remarriage she had every other weekend free and unlike us had grandparents who were willing to babysit whenever needed. Fast forward a few months and my friend's little voice in my ear was pushing me to move on. She had an in that most others would not because she was also, or should I say by that point had also been, a dear friend to my husband as well. When we did couple things it was great, but as time wore on they fell out and I was the only one still involved in the friendship. Things came to a head in late October when I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Didn't take me long to realize that was NOT what I wanted at all. We were separated for a month. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but soooo worth it! Had I have opened my eyes and paid attention to what was right in front of me we would have never gotten to that point and who knows our friendship with the other couple may have remained in tact. As it stands now my husband and I are happier than ever, our 'friend' is out of both of our lives and I KNOW the one thing that means more to me than anything else is MY FAMILY! Marriage counseling was great, and I would HIGHLY recommend it in you guys case. We still have quarterly 'update' sessions and have made a decision to continue that no matter how good things are. I'm not saying separation is the best route, but a WAKE UP call of some sort is definitely in order. Sadly, sometimes we don't know what we have until we lose it....sad but true! Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Entropy3000 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I agree that she is being inconsiderate. I keep thinking its a phase and she will one day she will realize how she's been acting. I don't know if I can wait it out....I am not a patient person by nature. I found emails to the OM. She has not shown a lot of remorse.....more like she tries to justify what she was doing. That makes rebuilding trust even more difficult. We get along pretty well most of the time, but we go over the cliff on some issues. Tonight was one of those times. I am leaving town for a few nights for the first time in a long time. Her "friend" called her this afternoon and invited her to go out for drinks with her boss and another guy. She went....got home at 11 and tried to convince me what an a hole I'm being for having an issue with it. She seems to be trying to get under my skin. If she is, it's working. I guess I feel if her friend was aware of the tension that is created by her invitations that they would stop and things would get better. If my wife found out I confronted her friend, things would get much worse. Maybe I'm just being insecure. I don't know. All I know is that it eats away at me to the point that I cannot sleep...... Gotta say I would have changed the locks if my wife did this. Forget the affair or anything else. Just this act of going and having drinks with these two guys and her friend. I sincerely would not have let her in the house. You know what, I would not be leaving for a few nights dude. I don't care what my job was. If she is not having sex with someone yet she just interviewed them for your upcoming trip. Not trying to be mean here. Women like this walk all over men when they put up with this stuff. It gets worse until you grow some nads. The problem is that any opportunity you have of reversing this may be long gone already. If you do not love her enough to be willing to lose her. She is gone. I know that sounds crazy, but as you hold tight this way and let her abuse you she is slipping through your fingers. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Gotta say I would have changed the locks if my wife did this. Forget the affair or anything else. Just this act of going and having drinks with these two guys and her friend. I sincerely would not have let her in the house. You know what, I would not be leaving for a few nights dude. I don't care what my job was. If she is not having sex with someone yet she just interviewed them for your upcoming trip. Not trying to be mean here. Women like this walk all over men when they put up with this stuff. It gets worse until you grow some nads. The problem is that any opportunity you have of reversing this may be long gone already. If you do not love her enough to be willing to lose her. She is gone. I know that sounds crazy, but as you hold tight this way and let her abuse you she is slipping through your fingers. Right. You just found emails between her and other man only four months ago and she's going out for drinks with a friend and two guys? Seriously??? My bags would have been packed when I got home. Women do not love men they don't respect-they just don't. You don't have to be an azz but you need to set some boundaries here and make it clear to her you're not going to be treated like a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostone4me Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 She works at home and works a lot....hardly ever gets out of the house. She needs time to go out and do things without me. Just don't get why it has to be with this friend almost every time. She never tells her friend she can't do things with her. They are very close. We have talked about seperation, but to be completely honest, I am concerned that if we did, she may reopen contact with the other guy again. Maybe that shouldn't be a concern, but it is. He told her that he cheated on his wife while they were seperated....they got divorced. If I had any hint of a physical affair, it'd be done. Could not get over that one. I might be naive but I don't think she's walking over me. She is trying to get some sense her own individuality. I am trying to encourage her to do other things that don't involve going out drinking with her friend....feel like maybe that's the best way for her to get her sense of self while not driving me insane. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Once again-the problem is not this friend-it is your wife. And you are making excuses for her behavior. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Do you think that there is a possibility that this is all justification for her actions on your part OP? Only advice I can give you is that you should prepare to get hurt by her again because it doesn't seem like she wants to deal with the relationship problems head-on. Link to post Share on other sites
Entropy3000 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 She works at home and works a lot....hardly ever gets out of the house. She needs time to go out and do things without me. Just don't get why it has to be with this friend almost every time. She never tells her friend she can't do things with her. They are very close. We have talked about seperation, but to be completely honest, I am concerned that if we did, she may reopen contact with the other guy again. Maybe that shouldn't be a concern, but it is. He told her that he cheated on his wife while they were seperated....they got divorced. If I had any hint of a physical affair, it'd be done. Could not get over that one. I might be naive but I don't think she's walking over me. She is trying to get some sense her own individuality. I am trying to encourage her to do other things that don't involve going out drinking with her friend....feel like maybe that's the best way for her to get her sense of self while not driving me insane. She is the issue, not the friend. That said, how is her going out partying with these other guys ok? UFB. I guess as long as she works hard she can be unfaithful. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Dude she went on a double drinking date with her friend and two guys... This only a few months after being CAUGHT in AT LEAST an EA, probably a PA... She is gonna **** somebody while you are away and it isnt going to be you,,, Link to post Share on other sites
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