No sex.. Yes or No ?

[swimmingfreely]

I have been doing a lot of readings about affairs in general. It is MUCH more likely that you will end up with a MM when sex is NOT involved. I am happy I did this research and will force myself not to go there. I AM super attracted to my MM and vise versa so I know it will be hard. We already have a solid friendship, emotional bond, good understanding and intense attraction so why should I sleep with him. He can only respect me more for this decision.

 

If I really mean as much to him as I think I do than he will respect that and keep what we already have established. If and when he does leave his W then I will be open and willing to give him all of me, but until then I will cherish the love and unique bond we share.

[whichwayisup]

I have been doing a lot of readings about affairs in general. It is MUCH more likely that you will end up with a MM when sex is NOT involved. I am happy I did this research and will force myself not to go there. I AM super attracted to my MM and vise versa so I know it will be hard. We already have a solid friendship, emotional bond, good understanding and intense attraction so why should I sleep with him. He can only respect me more for this decision.

 

If I really mean as much to him as I think I do than he will respect that and keep what we already have established. If and when he does leave his W then I will be open and willing to give him all of me, but until then I will cherish the love and unique bond we share.

 

It doesn't mean he won't try to get into your pants. Sorry to be blunt.. But how long can you hold him off, spending alone time with him, kissing or cuddling. Eventually you're gonna cave, even more so if he plans on staying married for a long time.

 

Has he given you any indication or plan of action (not just words) of when he plans on serving his wife with papers and moving out?

[waytogo]

I have been doing a lot of readings about affairs in general. It is MUCH more likely that you will end up with a MM when sex is NOT involved. I am happy I did this research and will force myself not to go there. I AM super attracted to my MM and vise versa so I know it will be hard. We already have a solid friendship, emotional bond, good understanding and intense attraction so why should I sleep with him. He can only respect me more for this decision.

 

If I really mean as much to him as I think I do than he will respect that and keep what we already have established. If and when he does leave his W then I will be open and willing to give him all of me, but until then I will cherish the love and unique bond we share.

 

May I ask what kind of time table you have in mind? How long are you willing to be celebate when he may well not be, how long will you hold out for him if he makes no moves toward a valid R with you?

 

I do hope you won't pass by one opportunity after another without having action from him that he shows that he respects your choice and has valid intentions toward you.

[Beeotch]

While I find the entire matter dubious, I suppose that is one way of "testing" things and trying to maintain some amount of "boundaries" in an already precarious situation.

 

But in my opinion refraining from sex until you can have all of him....why not take the bigger step and refrain from forming an emotional attachment and relationship until you can get all of him Relationships aren't just about sex, so avoiding the sex but still engaging otherwise is not that much more noble.

 

If he is gonna respect you....I don't think it will be because you refrained from sex. I think if a man TRULY loves you and respects you, then you standing back and saying "I love you but I love myself more to give you your space and time to end things THEN pursue me" would garner a lot more respect and would be a more accurate test as to whether or not someone truly wants you or just wants to have their cake and eat it too. I used to believe I had to be oh so understanding of whatever "complications" and go along for the ride to show I cared. Wrong. A reasonable man, who thinks about others and who can put himself in another's place would totally respect that decision and totally understand why you wouldn't want to do it and if he really loved you, he would, come hell or high ,surpass that obstacle and complication to give you the BEST situation possible. A man who is gonna throw a tantrum over that or tell you don't love him or asks you to understand or otherwise engage is one looking out for his own interest and not yours.

 

I want a man who is gonna treat me with that high regard, with the same regard he would want another man to give HIS daughter.

[swimmingfreely]

We have been involved for about 6 months. I am moving kinda far away sometime in the near future just not sure when. I plan on dating when I find someone I like. ( I know for a fact that he will hate this) but he is the married one so what does he expect. He has not been married all that long so I really have no time frame. I would like to think at the very least we will be lifelong friends. I realize that I can become very weak if left alone that is why so far I am only planning either group dates or casual dates in very public places. Of course he will try if we are left alone (he is a man) and quite a sexual one at that.

 

If I put my mind to it I know I can resist. Not saying it will be easy but I want to keep all the current respect he has for me.

 

This is my plan and hopefully I can stick with it and hopefully it will turn out good in the end.

[Holding-On]

Well as I can predict it either he will

a) keep trying to get lucky

b) divorce in order to be with you

c) find another OW who will put out

 

so, similar to a single guy,

if a) you will get lots of attention and wooing (and a possible d-day) OR you will get lots of whining and dump his butt

if b) you will be the 3%

if c) you will know what he was all about

 

Possibly Interesting Historical side note: I was reading an abbreviated version of Henry the Eighth (he is certainly up there historically in who's who of self centered MM)

It seemed that both Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour - at least initially/sexually - refused to be mistresses (though they expressed their interest in him otherwise).

Notably, he bedded his way through lots of his wives' ladies in waiting and never thought to marry any of them. Most of those OW were probably pretty happy about that after they saw how his marriages went though.

[whichwayisup]

I plan on dating when I find someone I like

 

No..You won't. You've been with this MM for 6 months and are more or less inlove with him.. You will 'try' to date someone else but your heart won't let you. You won't be physically attracted to them either because of what you feel for your MM.

 

You not having sex with him means he is more than likely having more sex with his wife. If he is very attacted to you and not having a release, he WILL continue having sex with his wife.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What about cyber sex?

[swimmingfreely]

While I find the entire matter dubious, I suppose that is one way of "testing" things and trying to maintain some amount of "boundaries" in an already precarious situation.

 

But in my opinion refraining from sex until you can have all of him....why not take the bigger step and refrain from forming an emotional attachment and relationship until you can get all of him Relationships aren't just about sex, so avoiding the sex but still engaging otherwise is not that much more noble.

 

If he is gonna respect you....I don't think it will be because you refrained from sex. I think if a man TRULY loves you and respects you, then you standing back and saying "I love you but I love myself more to give you your space and time to end things THEN pursue me" would garner a lot more respect and would be a more accurate test as to whether or not someone truly wants you or just wants to have their cake and eat it too. I used to believe I had to be oh so understanding of whatever "complications" and go along for the ride to show I cared. Wrong. A reasonable man, who thinks about others and who can put himself in another's place would totally respect that decision and totally understand why you wouldn't want to do it and if he really loved you, he would, come hell or high ,surpass that obstacle and complication to give you the BEST situation possible. A man who is gonna throw a tantrum over that or tell you don't love him or asks you to understand or otherwise engage is one looking out for his own interest and not yours.

 

I want a man who is gonna treat me with that high regard, with the same regard he would want another man to give HIS daughter.

 

It is much much to late to not be involved emotionally. We have both opened up so much on this level there is no reason to fight this part of our relationship. I will keep what I have not given him (sex) for as long as I can . I think it is quite noble to no sleep with him when we both know that we have a crazy intense attraction. That shows him I respect myself and will not give in because he is still married. If he wants me he will fight !!

If not then we can just remain friends with an undeniable attraction.

[swimmingfreely]

Well as I can predict it either he will

a) keep trying to get lucky

b) divorce in order to be with you

c) find another OW who will put out

 

so, similar to a single guy,

if a) you will get lots of attention and wooing (and a possible d-day) OR you will get lots of whining and dump his butt

if b) you will be the 3%

if c) you will know what he was all about

 

Possibly Interesting Historical side note: I was reading an abbreviated version of Henry the Eighth (he is certainly up there historically in who's who of self centered MM)

It seemed that both Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour - at least initially/sexually - refused to be mistresses (though they expressed their interest in him otherwise).

Notably, he bedded his way through lots of his wives' ladies in waiting and never thought to marry any of them. Most of those OW were probably pretty happy about that after they saw how his marriages went though.

 

Lol.. What other options are there ?? What is a 3% ?

[waytogo]

Well as I can predict it either he will

a) keep trying to get lucky

b) divorce in order to be with you

c) find another OW who will put out

 

so, similar to a single guy,

if a) you will get lots of attention and wooing (and a possible d-day) OR you will get lots of whining and dump his butt

if b) you will be the 3%

if c) you will know what he was all about

 

Possibly Interesting Historical side note: I was reading an abbreviated version of Henry the Eighth (he is certainly up there historically in who's who of self centered MM)

It seemed that both Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour - at least initially/sexually - refused to be mistresses (though they expressed their interest in him otherwise).

Notably, he bedded his way through lots of his wives' ladies in waiting and never thought to marry any of them. Most of those OW were probably pretty happy about that after they saw how his marriages went though.

 

Haha. That's probably the only case I'd rather be an OW than a W. "Sorry honey, it's a girl". King replies, "Sorry honey, it's your head". Status has never meant class, only actions. Sorry Henry was NC for sure!

[swimmingfreely]

No..You won't. You've been with this MM for 6 months and are more or less inlove with him.. You will 'try' to date someone else but your heart won't let you. You won't be physically attracted to them either because of what you feel for your MM.

 

You not having sex with him means he is more than likely having more sex with his wife. If he is very attacted to you and not having a release, he WILL continue having sex with his wife.

 

Yes he does have sex with his wife sometimes. I already know that !! It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would, surprisingly !

 

There are a lot of other ways to "release".

 

I WILL date someone else. If he really can't handle me dating well then I guess he needs to do something about it.

 

I am at a point in my life where I honestly feel I can date someone and still keep my feelings for him. Like I said he sometimes has sex with his wife so why can't I sometimes have sex with a boyfriend. I think it is completely doable.

[Beeotch]

It is much much to late to not be involved emotionally. We have both opened up so much on this level there is no reason to fight this part of our relationship. I will keep what I have not given him (sex) for as long as I can . I think it is quite noble to no sleep with him when we both know that we have a crazy intense attraction. That shows him I respect myself and will not give in because he is still married. If he wants me he will fight !!

If not then we can just remain friends with an undeniable attraction.

 

It's never too late to go NC and say no....it is DIFFICULT, yes...but it it not "too late".

 

Most likely you will continue giving yourself reasons to stick around...I know the routine, been there, done that. But what is a fact is that it's not too late to reorganize your boundaries.

 

A "crazy, intense, attraction" is hardly grounds to sustain a relationship. I had crazy, intense attraction with many a unavailable man that I am no longer crazily attracted to and now see that that attraction was rather misguided and about forbidden fruit being sweeter.....and I am sure your MM knows this as well, there is that part of you that KNOWS that you can't bet on crazy, intense attraction, hence many delay leaving their sure-thing for something that may wither away once it is no longer that lusty fairytale "out there" but the one you see everyday and are now committed to.

 

But I digress. Refrain from the sex and see how it goes...

[swimmingfreely]

Haha. That's probably the only case I'd rather be an OW than a W. "Sorry honey, it's a girl". King replies, "Sorry honey, it's your head". Status has never meant class, only actions. Sorry Henry was NC for sure!

 

Maybe I am dummying out but I don't get what you just wrote ?

[swimmingfreely]

It's never too late to go NC and say no....it is DIFFICULT, yes...but it it not "too late".

 

Most likely you will continue giving yourself reasons to stick around...I know the routine, been there, done that. But what is a fact is that it's not too late to reorganize your boundaries.

 

A "crazy, intense, attraction" is hardly grounds to sustain a relationship. I had crazy, intense attraction with many a unavailable man that I am no longer crazily attracted to and now see that that attraction was rather misguided and about forbidden fruit being sweeter.....and I am sure your MM knows this as well, there is that part of you that KNOWS that you can't bet on crazy, intense attraction, hence many delay leaving their sure-thing for something that may wither away once it is no longer that lusty fairytale "out there" but the one you see everyday and are now committed to.

 

But I digress. Refrain from the sex and see how it goes...

 

Thanks.. I will refrain from sex and see what happens. We did have a fairly solid friendship before the attraction was noticed (well at least by me) never really asked him when he felt it but pretty sure it was on the first day we were alone together. Due to the fact we have been in contact more and more since that day. You could be right, maybe if he was around everyday I wouldn't be so excited but not sure because when we did work together we always had a good time day after day. Of course I know hanging out at work over a pile of paperwork isn't exactly the same as a daily romantic relationship.

I do know I am at this time NO where near willing to give him up !

[Beeotch]

Yes he does have sex with his wife sometimes. I already know that !! It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would, surprisingly !

 

There are a lot of other ways to "release".

 

I WILL date someone else. If he really can't handle me dating well then I guess he needs to do something about it.

 

I am at a point in my life where I honestly feel I can date someone and still keep my feelings for him. Like I said he sometimes has sex with his wife so why can't I sometimes have sex with a boyfriend. I think it is completely doable.

 

Will you tell this "boyfriend" about him?

 

Also, is your ultimate wish to end up with him or are you okay with having a "boyfriend" and just being attracted to him and having an emotional affair for all eternity?

 

I also did this....had a LD affair and still had other men to buffer things because I refused to stay at home being a virgin while he was having sex with his gf and so on. I actually explained to him that it was like a tray of desserts, I sampled some of them because they were there but he was the ultimate chocolate cake that wasn't on the tray that I REALLY wanted and if he came I would forsake all other desserts . Anyway, as much as I spoke to other men and "dated", I still was more inlove with him and the more we argued because he was possessive and jealous and expected me to act like a girlfriend while he could do whatever he wanted The more we argued, or I hid stuff, the more unhappy and draining it became and the more it became apparent that the situation was ridiculous, it was not something I HAD to do and I choose to end it. Even though I ended it, I tried to be friends but then it fell back into that pattern, til one day unexpectedly HE was the one who cut it off and disappeared for a whole year.

 

Today, I still love him and I will always love him and we occasionally speak but I now realize that despite that care and affection, it just cannot be as I am the Queen Beeotch and I deserve nothing less than your undivided attention, love, care and respect. At the time I told myself "I could do it" and it didn't bother me... but fccuk that! It did and if I would never want my daughter, sister, mother to have to do it then why would I do it and then lie to myself saying I had to....no thanks.

[waytogo]

Maybe I am dummying out but I don't get what you just wrote ?

 

That doesn't make you a dummy; maybe this history is to old to be taught anymore. King AH actually had wives beheaded because once children were delivered, they weren't male aires (2nd class females).

That's someone's wife I'd be glad not to be

[Holding-On]

Maybe I am dummying out but I don't get what you just wrote ?

 

Translation:

King Henry killed his wives mostly because he wanted a male heir (and could not get one). He would eventually blame them for not giving him a son and kill them off for one reason or another.

 

Being high in status (the king) does not mean you have "class" (character, moral restraint). Only the actions of a person show their class (character).

 

King Henry was NC (no class) for sure.

 

 

Also 3% refers to the oft cited statistic that 3% of affairs actually end in marriage. Good luck.

[swimmingfreely]

Will you tell this "boyfriend" about him?

 

Also, is your ultimate wish to end up with him or are you okay with having a "boyfriend" and just being attracted to him and having an emotional affair for all eternity?

 

I also did this....had a LD affair and still had other men to buffer things because I refused to stay at home being a virgin while he was having sex with his gf and so on. I actually explained to him that it was like a tray of desserts, I sampled some of them because they were there but he was the ultimate chocolate cake that wasn't on the tray that I REALLY wanted and if he came I would forsake all other desserts . Anyway, as much as I spoke to other men and "dated", I still was more inlove with him and the more we argued because he was possessive and jealous and expected me to act like a girlfriend while he could do whatever he wanted The more we argued, or I hid stuff, the more unhappy and draining it became and the more it became apparent that the situation was ridiculous, it was not something I HAD to do and I choose to end it. Even though I ended it, I tried to be friends but then it fell back into that pattern, til one day unexpectedly HE was the one who cut it off and disappeared for a whole year.

 

Today, I still love him and I will always love him and we occasionally speak but I now realize that despite that care and affection, it just cannot be as I am the Queen Beeotch and I deserve nothing less than your undivided attention, love, care and respect. At the time I told myself "I could do it" and it didn't bother me... but fccuk that! It did and if I would never want my daughter, sister, mother to have to do it then why would I do it and then lie to myself saying I had to....no thanks.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story.... So sorry it didn't work out for you !

 

I don't think it would be a good idea to tell a boyfriend about my MM but I am so honest I don't know if I could hide it.

 

At this point I really rely on his emotional support and attention so I don't know. Do you really think I could we could stay in this crazy situation for eternity ? WOW, that would be nuts !! I will say he might be the one person I met who seems to really understand me. !

[waytogo]

Translation:

King Henry killed his wives mostly because he wanted a male heir (and could not get one). He would eventually blame them for not giving him a son and kill them off for one reason or another.

 

Being high in status (the king) does not mean you have "class" (character, moral restraint). Only the actions of a person show their class (character).

 

King Henry was NC (no class) for sure.

 

 

Also 3% refers to the oft cited statistic that 3% of affairs actually end in marriage. Good luck.

 

You sure showed ME up in your explanation I read once, 'true class is treating the janitor with the same respect you treat the CEO'. That is at the top of the list true in what I've observed in others. Despite things I shouldn't have done, I can say I did this before reading this statement. It is one thing I am proud of about myself.

[jwi71]

The salient points:

 

1) It appears you work together

2) No physical sex, just cybersex (aka mutual masturbation).

3) He is recently M

4) You are moving away soon

5) You are no where near ready to leave him

6) Honest but cheats (both of them)

 

(D_mn, hate to say it...I really do after the lunch thread from today...but does this sound familiar to anyone else?)

 

You are wasting our time and yours here as you have already decided on your course(s) of action. Nothing we can do for you - good luck

[carrie999]

I have been doing a lot of readings about affairs in general. It is MUCH more likely that you will end up with a MM when sex is NOT involved. I am happy I did this research and will force myself not to go there. I AM super attracted to my MM and vise versa so I know it will be hard. We already have a solid friendship, emotional bond, good understanding and intense attraction so why should I sleep with him. He can only respect me more for this decision.

 

If I really mean as much to him as I think I do than he will respect that and keep what we already have established. If and when he does leave his W then I will be open and willing to give him all of me, but until then I will cherish the love and unique bond we share.

 

I agree. Definitely don't get sexually involved with him. But don't kiss him or cross the "friend" boundaries, either.

[waytogo]

Thank you so much for sharing your story.... So sorry it didn't work out for you !

 

I don't think it would be a good idea to tell a boyfriend about my MM but I am so honest I don't know if I could hide it.

 

At this point I really rely on his emotional support and attention so I don't know. Do you really think I could we could stay in this crazy situation for eternity ? WOW, that would be nuts !! I will say he might be the one person I met who seems to really understand me. !

 

The in bold statement, sweety please think about that. You'd have a hard time finding an OW who didn't feel that way. The MM's aren't all the worst of the devil that walk the earth. They, like all of us have learned some human tricks and have instincts. They can morph for some time to get their comforts. Do you think they stutter and sweat when they tell BW why they aren't where they should be? They tell W what satisfies her and tell OW...Even the best of them are cons to some degree. You cannot trust his words any more than his W can.

[swimmingfreely]

I agree. Definitely don't get sexually involved with him. But don't kiss him or cross the "friend" boundaries, either.

 

 

I would think a little kissing would be acceptable as long as I can stop it after that !!

[swimmingfreely]

The salient points:

 

1) It appears you work together

2) No physical sex, just cybersex (aka mutual masturbation).

3) He is recently M

4) You are moving away soon

5) You are no where near ready to leave him

6) Honest but cheats (both of them)

 

(D_mn, hate to say it...I really do after the lunch thread from today...but does this sound familiar to anyone else?)

 

You are wasting our time and yours here as you have already decided on your course(s) of action. Nothing we can do for you - good luck

 

 

I never said we had cybersex !!

 

We did work together but I got relocated.