Got the "its over" phone call yesterday and now I want to give up on everything

[california15]

Thought it time for an update after my little break from LS

 

I'm doing better. I'm almost 3 months NC/end of relationship now. I've gotten over my phone phobia, as well as my Target phobia. Haven't cried in at least 2 months, and no more dreams. I still think about him daily, but its like 15% of my day now, instead of 90%. And I'm actually a pretty happy person right now

 

Something strange happened the other night - I was coming home late night/early morning and walking to my apartment from my car when I saw what looked like his car, and a guy in hat driving (my ex ALWAYS wore a hat) that slowed up and stopped in front of me. He waved, then drove off slowly. Not sure if it was him or not (and I think in my current state I didn't care at the moment) but thats the only thing thats been remotely close to an encounter/reach out with him (if it was him).

 

I posted a thread about telling a guy friend of mine that I had feelings for him, which resulted in an awkward phase at the moment, as his feelings weren't mutual. I'm ok with it because I'd rather us be just friends anyways than have him out of my life because of this.

 

The funny thing is that the 'rejection' from my friend made me think about the ex alot. I haven't had a strong desire to reach out to the ex except for now, right after the thing with my friend. I'm not going to though (mainly because I'm too stubborn that If I've made it this far NC, nothing could make me go backwards and start again). And as I type this, I even wonder if I truly liked my friend romantically, or if I decided to let my love-wall down around someone I felt safe with (as opposed to trying to date a stranger) because I have lonely moments wanting a companion, being newly single, and being afraid I'll be single forever.

 

I'm traveling a lot and taking classes for fun. Work is amazing and I can really forget about the ex while I'm at work. Seems like all my friends and relatives have new romances, mostly from online dating. Not sure if I really want to go there yet/am ready for dating, because I want to be happy being alone and by myself, because otherwise searching for a relationship to make me happy is not the way to go - it will be doomed from the start. And I don't want to be that girl that NEEDs a guy to be happy, and I don't think I am, considering I'm doing just fine without one.

 

I'm scared though - I'm always so much busier in the warm summer months, that I'm worried I won't be far enough along moving on when the winter months come and I'm less busy and miserable in the cold. But.... I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Edited August 12, 2011 by california15

[Nohbody]

One foot in front of the other, sounds like you are doing better, and that makes me happy - for one.

[shortee143]

californiagirl-

 

So happy to hear you are on the upswing. I think of my ex after 5 months since BU still daily too, but def doesnt consume me nearly as much as it used to. I am going a full 2 months NC finally, but I will see him again soon (that darn mutual friend thing hah) I hope I can continue being strong thru this!! I am not the type of girl that needs a guy or relationship to be happy, but it is still tough not understanding why he left me, and dealing with him and his new gf. (I will meet her soon enough, eek) I am the same way too about the whole busy summer thing...I get worried about fall/winter time, less to do, not to mention all the holidays I shared with my ex, watching football, etc. Might be a tougher time...but things for you seem to be going great, and slowly the same for me!!

[california15]

I haven't cried about him in a long time. So I'm not sure why all the emotion today. I've made so much progress and it's not even like there was a trigger today or anything. what. the. hell.

 

Although I miss him ALOT, my urge to break NC is absolutely nonexistant. Which is perplexing, since I miss him an incredible amount, you'd think I'd want to hear from him or talk to him. It's so weird have those 2 feelings at the same time.

 

like another poster said, You can love someone but still be incompatible. Which I think sums it up nicely. I know that he and I would not have lasted. I don't think I've ever said that before. Its hard to admit, considering I wanted to marry him from the very beginning when he was in my life, all the way up to a few months ago even. He was my best friend, but I could never trust him. And without trust, you can't build anything.

 

Why did I hold on for so long onto something I knew wasn't right. Thats the only thing carrying through right now. Is that I know this is for the best. Even though its the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

 

I'm struggling with the feeling that he was only with me until something better came along. He wasn't like that the entire time though, just towards the end. I mean, he moved in with his "i've only known her 2 weeks" girlfriend, who he told me he was going to marry. I hate feeling discarded/replaced.

 

Is is really that easy to move on from a many year relationship? Definitely the 'he checked out months before' senario. And I knew that. WTF was I thinking, clinging to hope that he wasn't like that, when he was clearly showing me. And I just turned a blind eye to it. Love is blind right? I remember saying 'i love you' at the end, in hopes he'd say it back, like it was some kind of confirmation he was still in it. And as previously posted, I remember when I said it and he said "you know I love you. I don't feel like I need to tell you that anymore" or something to that effect. Don't get me wrong though, I did love him everytime I said I love you, it just turned into a reassurance thing at the end, which it shouldn't have.

 

And one thing he did really bothered me; he used to get girls numbers when he went out with his friends, and come home and show me all the napkins with names and numbers. I asked why he would do that, and he said, "Just to see if I could. To see if I still have it." When people show you who they are... accept it. Don't be like me and try to make excuses for behavior or try to rationalize things that bother you. I'm not sure why I shared that story; maybe in hopes I'd feel better because I see I don't deserve that. But at the same time... I really really don't want to be that person that has to think about the bad times to move on.

Edited August 19, 2011 by california15

[CopingGal]

Listen, your life is not over. Believe me. Self help books really do help. Books like "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken." Help. Books that help you learn to love yourself are good too. I know what it's like to feel like you are not going to make it...to feel so hurt that you think you are going to die, but if you start to take care of yourself, it well get better. I do AM CHI for beginners. It's a simple form of Tai-chi you do to start your day. Talking to a professional may help too. Many places have sliding scales and universities that have graduate programs in psychology often offer help to the public at a very low cost. Taking a walk in the morning, journaling, and coming here can help too. You are not alone.

[sun_moon]

Hey Cali!

 

I totally hear ya on the random sadness and missing him part. I feel that way too, and it sucks. You've made great strides and improvements in your healing, and the NC is great, but every once in a while you get a blow of an emotion or utter missing him.

 

I attribute that to loneliness honestly, I keep telling myself that. Someday, one day, etc etc, all that **** will stop. LOL

 

By the way you are absolutely right, keep telling yourself that. LOVE does NOT = compatibility. It never has and it never will.

 

I love him, but like you, I knew for a while (while we were together) that he wasn't right for ME, I kept hoping for growth/change/maturity....a ****ing miracle, the more I invested in the relationship, the more I tried, the more I realized, sadly, nothing was ever going to change for the way I wanted things from this man, from the relationship. Why? Because he could never ever be the man I hoped he could be, he didn't possess the morals, ethics, character, trust, compassion, traits that I wanted. What he had were inherent in him and unique to him and it was unfair to continue to fight and wish blindly and foolishly for change. It became more clear every day just how different we are.

 

The only thing I could see as changing was his maturity level, I saw glimpses of that changing in a positive way, but the rest was exhausting.

 

Sorry to digress, my point is, I totally understand. I don't tell myself why did I stay with him so long? I wasn't blind, I just chose to hope stupidly for something better from him. For that I am deeply angry at myself. I cant get those 2 years back, but you know what Cali, I'm not going to sit here and beat myself up for it either. So I learned a very valuable ****ING lesson, and now I know everything I DON'T want in a man.

 

LOL

 

The heart and the mind, they are incompatible, its like oil and water. Emotionally, I miss him, and mentally and logically I know beyond a shadow of a doubt how lucky and better off I am without him.

[danceallday]

california15 so sorry to hear you are going through this. This is the time to call in your troops - friends, family, all the people who love you.

[california15]

For those of you who followed my story, when I was going through my break up almost 2 years ago I literally thought that was the end of everything I knew as life. I practically lived and breathed this website for a while and it was truly one of the best things for me during that time (besides ice-cream of course).

 

I remember reading threads by others along the lines of "I'm a few years down the road and I couldn't be happier! Time heals all! You'll move on!" Additionally I remember thinking "Yea but they're not me. Their relationship is different than mine. I'm the exception that will never heal because my relationship isn't the same as theirs. I can't do NC because of X,Y,Z. I'll never love again because he/she was the ultimate one". As much as I didn't agree with their posts at the time, the reality was I felt if they could do it, then I could do it too and I began looking for "healed" posts as a personal goal to shoot for.

 

I'm posting now actually because I was with a new guy for a short time and ultimately we decided not to continue things... and at the time I cried a little about it - but the significance of that to me was that I knew I past my ex when I felt feelings for someone else enough to make me cry when it was over with them (if that makes sense).

 

I went cold turkey NC 2 years ago and haven't looked back and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. So if you're like me, and are one of those people who search for the "healed" posts, I want you to know it gets better with time and NC and I bet you'll be coming back to make your own "healed" post like I did. As much as it feels like your world is crashing, there is so much happiness waiting for you when you're ready. My breakup was the most painful, horrible experience of my life but I survived and dated great people since and you will too. Promise.

[youngnlove89]

That is awesome!! I love it! So happy for you! I hope one day to be where you are!! Thanks for sharing

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Thank You so much for returning to update!

 

Funny, I'm about two weeks shy of one year since she ended it. I was equally devastated- we'd just gotten engaged (after me "fighting" the idea for 7+ years- should have followed my gut instinct, I guess)

 

I can't say I'm anywhere near where you are "healed", which flat-out sucks, because she's been LONG gone. She checked out months- if not years before I knew what hit me. But I will say for certain it does get better- slowly.

 

I think that come my one-year mark, I'll TRULY try to make strides- I just haven't felt "ready" to do so over the last year. And yes, wasted time on my part. She ain't comin' back, and thoughts of me DO NOT consume her day, week, month, or year. Sad, but true.

 

I'm not sure if it's a good idea for me to continually read LS, although I've gotten the absolute best advice of my life-- It literally saved my life-- I don't want to mentally re-visit my ex for ANOTHER year.

 

But thank you for your two year update. And continued good luck!

[BC1980]

That is great. I hope to be where you are one day. For sure, this message board has saved me from contacting my ex on numerous occasions. It's so comforting to know there are other people in my shoes.

[california15]

I just wanted to share a little more about how I survived (and continue to);

 

I don't know if my ex ever reached out to me over the past 2 years; I ended up blocking his number and the rest of his family's number and moving for a new job. Didn't run into him at Target like I had before.

 

I also kept a journal - not a typical "Dear Diary" journal. One page was my "DO NOT CALL" page and I wrote down the date I REALLY wanted to call but didn't. Over time it became a visual of strength when I held out all the times before. Another page was a page of "Red Flags to Avoid Next Time" and listed the red flags I ignored, and another page was a list of qualities I want in the next man I date. On one page was a "Feel Better Soon" card my friend had given me. So Even though it was a journal, it wasn't because I'm not a diary writer like some people. This was through the first year. I don't have it anymore. Not sure where it is actually.

 

I ended up getting rid of all the stuff I had that I hadn't given back to him (cards, photos, presents, jewelry). I think doing this early on is better than later.

 

I still have dreams about him but instead of being sad or "a couple" or anything related, they're average dreams and he's just another person in the room. I hardly remember them in the morning and if I do, it doesn't ruin my day like it did before. That happened after the first year too. (I think there is a subconscious mental uplifting that happens after the first year - its a whole year!)

 

I do think about him still. Not daily anymore. I'll think of him when something prompts it or triggers a memory but its a fleeting moment, gone as quickly as it came. I don't think its unhealthy I still think about him - he was in my life for years!. Every once in a blue moon I wonder how he's doing, if hes married or has kids. Aannnnddd thats about as far as I take that. No desire to probe and find out at all. No thanks

 

One thing that really truly helped me was not allowing my self to start talking about him. For example, if someone said "My friend just bought a new motorcycle" I wasn't allow to bring him up and say "My ex had one". Or if we ate at Chilis' I wasn't allowed to say "My ex loved to eat at Chilis" . Putting restrictions on that helped me tremendously. I wouldn't even allow myself to say "I used to know someone who loved to eat at Chilis". I hope I'm making sense on this, because this was a do-able task for myself and It was a sense of accomplishment when a moment came up that I could talk about my ex but didn't let myself. It became easier over time for sure. All about little tasks I could accomplish through out the day.

 

I'm one of the weakest people when it comes to giving in on my emotions and being sensitive and if I can do it, you can do it. I really didn't think I'd live through this and I'm so happy I pushed through and made an effort to survive it no matter what. Please please have faith in yourself. You have to believe you can make it. You've got to be your biggest motivator.

 

and remember, in due time, this too shall pass

 

P.S. Thanks for replying to my post with your continued support and stories; I hope I can return the favor to you guys.

Edited May 16, 2013 by california15
I wanted to acknowledge the people who had posted to my update