How to break up after buying a house.

[Spoonandfork22]

My partner and I bought a house over a year ago. At the time our relationship was wonderful. We had our problems but nothing we couldn't weather. Now, it's for the most part over. The love and passion isn't there anymore. We live like roommates. No affection, no attraction. We lived together for two years prior to buying a house so its not like living together changed everything.

 

We've been together over five years. Our relationship has just evolved to something that isn't "there". We're not compatible and that leads to a lot of arguing and bickering and pretty much spending time apart. We're just not happy with one another anymore. At least, Im not. His parents were the way we are, more business like than love. He thinks this is all normal. & yes, Ive talked to him about this for years. Nothing changes. Trust me, Ive taken every avenue to remedy our problems. At this point I am accepting that it is over.

 

 

My question is, we are in a real tough spot, how do we end things? We have this house, with both our names on the mortgage. We work for HIS family business, both of us. I moved to HIS city after we got out of school. Basically everything we have here he has built for us. Our home, our jobs and our friends. They are all due to him. I feel incredibly unstable leaving this relationship. I will most likely have to get a new job, still pay the mortgage on our home AND find new friends. This is a very daunting task! I almost want to stay because it is easier to do so. I dont want to start over. Its very scary. but I also know I cant stay in something Im so unhappy with.

 

 

Any advice from someone who has been there or know where I can get advice from? I know this is somewhat like a divorce, I just dont know how to start the process. I love him to pieces, I dont want to leave him but I know I am not happy and it's not fair to stay out of convenience.

 

 

Help:(

[vsmini]

This is one tough situation. My advice at this point would be to look at everything you have to do as individual tasks - try not to look at everything at once as thinking about losing job, house, friends, etc will be very overwhelming.

 

Understand that there is a lot ahead of you but you can take it slowly. Is he on the same page with you and agree about the breakup? Have you talked about it? It may be best to get out of the house for a few days and figure out what your next step will be. Make sure you have another job lined up before quit. Will he most likely still live in the house after you are gone or will you jointly sell it?

[FrostFire]

Help us help you. We can't help you until you fully explain what you mean by this statement as it contradicts everything you just said before:

 

I love him to pieces, I dont want to leave him but I know I am not happy and it's not fair to stay out of convenience.

 

So how about it? You love him or don't you can't be 50/50 on this and things aren't always going to be the way you want them by the way. Need a fuller story on this to see if it's worth working through to see if it's just frustration or if it's truly over. Seems like you just want out so it shouldn't be too hard for you to leave because you are not married to this guy for crying out loud.

Edited June 2, 2011 by FrostFire

[thatone]

move back home with your parents, tell him you forfeit the equity in the house, he can have it. get an attorney to handle the details.

 

that's pretty much it.

[Spoonandfork22]

Frostfire, what I meant by that statement was that I love him very much, but I am not happy and know in my heart that I have to leave in order to be happy. Him and I are just friends at this point. There are no romantic feelings. Its just like any other break up. I love him and of course I wish it could work, but it cannot. Im ready to move on.

 

 

So yes. For me, its OVER. He does not share my sentiments. He never did understand my frustrations when I would say over the years that I wasn't happy and I things needed to change. They never did and now unfortunately I am at this point.

[Spoonandfork22]

Thatone, in theory thats a good idea but my parents and I do not have a relationship so I would never ever think of moving back in with them. Its not an option. My life is here, in the big city I am in now.

[O'Malley]

You're going to have to open the lines of honest (and painful) communication with your boyfriend about all of this. If you plan on moving out, have a timeline in place for yourself. Try to avoid anger or projection; you feel it's best for both of you to move on, and both of you need to come to some compromises about the housing situation.

 

As far as your job, it would be great to think that your boyfriend and his family wouldn't hold the breakup against you, but start getting your resume revamped and put out feelers.

 

I would seek out qualified legal advice about the mortgage and your responsibilities. In many areas, to remove your name from the mortgage should you decide to move out, your boyfriend would have to refinance the mortgage or sell the property. You may be tempted to leave the mortgage as it is, but that's not generally advisable. Decide what your next steps are, and contact an attorney so you're fully aware of what your rights and responsibilities. Hopefully things will go as well as they can in this kind of breakup.

[Spoonandfork22]

I know I've already said this but this all sounds incredibly terrifying....

[carhill]

Is there positive equity in the house or is it upside down?

 

Do you hold title as joint tenants or tenants in common, presuming U.S. jurisdiction?

 

Is your job contingent on your relationship and, if so, do you have any other local opportunities?

 

Where is your family relevant to your location?

 

Since you've been together a long time and lived together before buying a house together, you both had ample opportunity to adjust to life as a cohabiting couple. It would appear that the honeymoon was well over before you bought the house together, so eyes were wide open.

 

As preliminary work, solidify your debt and income and net worth situations and do some job networking to see what's out there. Neither of those aspects has bearing on your relationship but rather is accounting of your actuals and potentials.

 

Then, bite the bullet, have a face-to-face and express your honest feelings. Ask for his perspective. Ask him if he is willing to work to resolve this issue. If he is, express to him what actions and words can assist. Ask him for the reverse.

 

If there is no resolution or bend, consider the dynamic irreconcilable and execute the next steps, which would be to disentangle your financial life and end your association based upon the laws which govern it.

[Spoonandfork22]

I would say no positive equity since it was just purchased. We did just put in new windows throughout and new landscaping.

 

We are joint tenants. Im saying that due to both our names being on the mortgage and the deed of the home.

 

I got the job because him and I were together and the plan was to get married and inherit the family business together and run it together.

 

My family is three hours away from where I am. I dont have any friends in my hometown anymore nor do I have any desire to live there again. Its a city that is economically dead.

 

& yes, the honeymoon was over but being the way I am I pushed and pushed for us fixing our problems. I figured love was enough. I dont think it is at this point. It doesnt seem that there is enough love there for him to want to move things in a positive direction.

 

 

Im working on making this as clean a break as possible. Im also grappling with maybe just taking a break and assessing the situation after a few months. For all I know time apart would be a welcome thing, as we have been together so long it might just be a "you dont know what you got until its gone" situation. Of course, that might just be my wishful thinking.

[carhill]

Tenants in common can share a mortgage but their property rights can vary markedly from joint tenants. Get hold of your deed. Since you're not married, things can be a bit different in some aspects of ownership.

 

Can he afford the mortgage on his own, meaning is there a good possibility that the mortgage holder would release you from the loan if you quit-claimed your interest in the property to him?

 

Up to you how you wish to proceed, but I'd reflect on this decision whilst building up some security money, meaning money for moving, getting an apartment or room, etc. Get lean for a few months. The reality of the change might have you reconsidering.

 

Where are you going to live during this 'taking a break and assessing the situation after a few months' period?

 

Disclaimer: Divorced last October. Both my exW and I own businesses and owned multiple homes. Complex was a word which came to mind, just so you know where I'm coming from.

 

It'll all work out. Keep the shouting to a minimum. It's better in the end.

[lovelydemon]

OP, reading your post was such a deja-vu. I was in EXACT same situation 2 years ago. And I mean exact! And I totally get what you are saying about being unhappy in your relationship. After months (if not years) of trying to change the way we communicated I decided to leave. It was overwhelming since I also have no family to go to. First months we lived as roommates (literally, we own a 3 bedroom house). It wasn't pleasant because he was very angry with me but I managed. My lucky break was that before we broke up we divided the house and were renting out a small efficiency apartment, so I only had to wait for tenants to move out. My name is also on the mortgage and on the deed. I always paid 50% of all of our expenses(mortgage, utilities etc) and I continue to do so.

I have to say that even if you aren't married buying a house is a big commitment. In my case my ex decided that he can start slacking down and pretty much ignore my needs because he thought I couldn't/wouldn't leave him at that point. For me, it meant that some of my commitmentphobia showed up: before our relationship was very serious but we weren't married so I felt some freedom, after buying a house I knew we had to stick together for a while and all of a sudden little things about him that didn't bother me before became a big deal, I couldn't imagine dealing with it FOREVER. Plus, on top of the little things about him that bothered me already he became too comfortable/ was taking me for granted. All that was a deal breaker.

I don't want to encourage you to leave as i believe every relationship is different, but I will say that I don't regret leaving him for a minute, even though I'm single and he has a new family. It was very frustrating for me to invest in a relationship emotionally so much and get crumbles in return.

[BobSacamento]

What some else said - lawyer up.

 

Just another prime example that a 30 year mortgage is a bigger commitment than marriage. Granted, depending where you live you may fall into the common law marriage but only a lawyer could tell you for sure.