married and male friendship crossed the line

[eastsunshine2011]

I've been married for 10 years with two kids and stay home. Have loving husband who works a lot. Kids are good friends with neighbor kids who's parents are seperated but still live together due to her constand affairs. We're all Christian and that know affairs are seriously wrong. I was instantly attracted to him. We became friends and started texting mostly about the kids or other little things. It usually was me who would iniciate the conversations. He likes to talk and would tell me all about his relationship problems. He let his guard down all the time. He would tell me his emmotions and was real open and I did't think guys do this. I started to feel like a good friend to him. Then talk about sex always came up. His seperated wife asked him if he was sleeping with me cuz we talk a lot and I don't talk much to her. Later I felt comfortable enough and when talking by text told him he had a nice Ass. Thought he'd say I was crazy but he just laughed. Our texting topics usually changed focus on us. We asked each other about downstair shaving questions ect... Then we admitted we felt bad and it needed to stop. Later more talk, I talked about shaving and sex, then he said I gave him visual and then he wanted me. I admitted wanting him too. Again we said it had to stop. He's constantly been in my head and I cant stop talking to him when I know I shouldnt. Then I was joking about him sending a picture of himself and he said, not til I get one. Bold enough I sent him one of a back view on my knees with a thong on. He liked it and said I looked real hot and asked him to send me a dirty one so he sent one of him. He said send me one with my knees up if I'm daring and I did. Again we felt terrible. Then another conversation I said he still owed me one of his butt cuz I sent two and he only sent one. He said it needs to stop, and then said the only way would be in person. One night I had too much to drink and called him over and he came with shocking disappointment look in his eyes. I had a shimery nighty on. He said why you doing this and just hugged me. I rubbed my hands on his stomach. Knew it was so wrong but loved the feeling he gave me and the openness of his friendship drew me to him. Then he got that look in his eyes and he took off my panties and did oral. I felt so bad, knew it was wrong, but the alcohol made me not stop and I liked him so much. Then he said he liked me a lot, I looked great, but he should go. I always said I would never cross the line and now I have to answer for it. Since then the texting wrong behavior has stopped. I don't mean anything more to him as a friend. I don't know how I became so interested in him and can't stop thinking about him. I hate myself for what i did. I did cheat, didn't I? How do I get him out of my head? What's wrong with me?

[Entropy3000]

I've been married for 10 years with two kids and stay home. Have loving husband who works a lot. Kids are good friends with neighbor kids who's parents are seperated but still live together due to her constand affairs. We're all Christian and that know affairs are seriously wrong. I was instantly attracted to him. We became friends and started texting mostly about the kids or other little things. It usually was me who would iniciate the conversations. He likes to talk and would tell me all about his relationship problems. He let his guard down all the time. He would tell me his emmotions and was real open and I did't think guys do this. I started to feel like a good friend to him. Then talk about sex always came up. His seperated wife asked him if he was sleeping with me cuz we talk a lot and I don't talk much to her. Later I felt comfortable enough and when talking by text told him he had a nice Ass. Thought he'd say I was crazy but he just laughed. Our texting topics usually changed focus on us. We asked each other about downstair shaving questions ect... Then we admitted we felt bad and it needed to stop. Later more talk, I talked about shaving and sex, then he said I gave him visual and then he wanted me. I admitted wanting him too. Again we said it had to stop. He's constantly been in my head and I cant stop talking to him when I know I shouldnt. Then I was joking about him sending a picture of himself and he said, not til I get one. Bold enough I sent him one of a back view on my knees with a thong on. He liked it and said I looked real hot and asked him to send me a dirty one so he sent one of him. He said send me one with my knees up if I'm daring and I did. Again we felt terrible. Then another conversation I said he still owed me one of his butt cuz I sent two and he only sent one. He said it needs to stop, and then said the only way would be in person. One night I had too much to drink and called him over and he came with shocking disappointment look in his eyes. I had a shimery nighty on. He said why you doing this and just hugged me. I rubbed my hands on his stomach. Knew it was so wrong but loved the feeling he gave me and the openness of his friendship drew me to him. Then he got that look in his eyes and he took off my panties and did oral. I felt so bad, knew it was wrong, but the alcohol made me not stop and I liked him so much. Then he said he liked me a lot, I looked great, but he should go. I always said I would never cross the line and now I have to answer for it. Since then the texting wrong behavior has stopped. I don't mean anything more to him as a friend. I don't know how I became so interested in him and can't stop thinking about him. I hate myself for what i did. I did cheat, didn't I? How do I get him out of my head? What's wrong with me?

 

Ask your loving and hard working husband if you should repost this in the Infidelity section.

 

Depending upon denomination of Christian you may have cheated. Did you dance?

 

I think you started your infidelity when you realized he was attractive and you started texting with him anyway.

 

<This is not real/>

Edited June 2, 2011 by Entropy3000

[Afishwithabike]

I've been married for 10 years with two kids and stay home. Have loving husband who works a lot. Kids are good friends with neighbor kids who's parents are seperated but still live together due to her constand affairs. We're all Christian and that know affairs are seriously wrong. I was instantly attracted to him. We became friends and started texting mostly about the kids or other little things. It usually was me who would iniciate the conversations. He likes to talk and would tell me all about his relationship problems. He let his guard down all the time. He would tell me his emmotions and was real open and I did't think guys do this. I started to feel like a good friend to him. Then talk about sex always came up. His seperated wife asked him if he was sleeping with me cuz we talk a lot and I don't talk much to her. Later I felt comfortable enough and when talking by text told him he had a nice Ass. Thought he'd say I was crazy but he just laughed. Our texting topics usually changed focus on us. We asked each other about downstair shaving questions ect... Then we admitted we felt bad and it needed to stop. Later more talk, I talked about shaving and sex, then he said I gave him visual and then he wanted me. I admitted wanting him too. Again we said it had to stop. He's constantly been in my head and I cant stop talking to him when I know I shouldnt. Then I was joking about him sending a picture of himself and he said, not til I get one. Bold enough I sent him one of a back view on my knees with a thong on. He liked it and said I looked real hot and asked him to send me a dirty one so he sent one of him. He said send me one with my knees up if I'm daring and I did. Again we felt terrible. Then another conversation I said he still owed me one of his butt cuz I sent two and he only sent one. He said it needs to stop, and then said the only way would be in person. One night I had too much to drink and called him over and he came with shocking disappointment look in his eyes. I had a shimery nighty on. He said why you doing this and just hugged me. I rubbed my hands on his stomach. Knew it was so wrong but loved the feeling he gave me and the openness of his friendship drew me to him. Then he got that look in his eyes and he took off my panties and did oral. I felt so bad, knew it was wrong, but the alcohol made me not stop and I liked him so much. Then he said he liked me a lot, I looked great, but he should go. I always said I would never cross the line and now I have to answer for it. Since then the texting wrong behavior has stopped. I don't mean anything more to him as a friend. I don't know how I became so interested in him and can't stop thinking about him. I hate myself for what i did. I did cheat, didn't I? How do I get him out of my head? What's wrong with me?

 

I'd like to know what Christian denomination you belong to because if it allows this kind of behavior, I'm sure a lot of people would convert.

 

You cheated.

 

Don't blame the alcohol for you not stopping him. You wanted to cheat. Look at the parts I highlighted in your post.

 

You should tell your husband before this other man or his wife does.

 

You should get individual counseling to figure out why you felt it necessary to cross the line.

[eastsunshine2011]

I'd like to know what Christian denomination you belong to because if it allows this kind of behavior, I'm sure a lot of people would convert.

 

You cheated.

 

Don't blame the alcohol for you not stopping him. You wanted to cheat. Look at the parts I highlighted in your post.

 

You should tell your husband before this other man or his wife does.

 

You should get individual counseling to figure out why you felt it necessary to cross the line.

 

I know 100 percent it wasnt Christian behavior and dont undersand why i was doing it when i knew it was wrong Most conversations were innocent. Can men and woman just not be friends? Do men want sex that badly?

Edited June 3, 2011 by eastsunshine2011
Adding

[John Michael Kane]

Stop trying to act like you didn't know what you were doing was wrong. You know you cheated.

[2sunny]

I know 100 percent it wasnt Christian behavior and dont undersand why i was doing it when i knew it was wrong Most conversations were innocent. Can men and woman just not be friends? Do men want sex that badly?

 

Stop trying to act like you didn't know what you were doing was wrong. You know you cheated.

 

if you are unwilling to own YOUR behavior - you will also cheat again.

 

YOU stepped into this texting/pictures stuff on MANY occasions.

 

your intent was to have this man... admit it. you talked sex and sent him private pictures. he could post them on the web! nothing could stop him.

 

then go tell your husband. he deserves to know what his wife is doing while he's being nice and working hard.

 

YOU did this. YOU pursued him. YOU asked for this. OWN IT. IT IS YOUR BEHAVIOR.

 

you may not be the person you thought you were - THAT is useful for your H to know... he needs to know he's married to a woman that lies, cheats and sends men private pictures.

[eastsunshine2011]

Stop trying to act like you didn't know what you were doing was wrong. You know you cheated.

 

 

I said I knew what I was doing was wrong and don't understand how I would be focused on him. Maybe I wasn't getting it from my relationship. Felt close to him and liked his friendship. Do you think Men and Woman can be just friends if their is any attraction between them? I don't think so anymore. Is tempation hard for men?

[vsmini]

I said I knew what I was doing was wrong and don't understand how I would be focused on him. Maybe I wasn't getting it from my relationship. Felt close to him and liked his friendship. Do you think Men and Woman can be just friends if their is any attraction between them? I don't think so anymore. Is tempation hard for men?

 

Do you live in a box? Temptation is hard for everyone - that's why it's called temptation. Your job is to keep your ass away from temptation so you aren't TEMPTED to do something stupid.

Men and Woman cannot be just plain old friends if one of them develops feelings/strong attraction for the other - the dynamic shifts.

[Entropy3000]

I said I knew what I was doing was wrong and don't understand how I would be focused on him. Maybe I wasn't getting it from my relationship. Felt close to him and liked his friendship. Do you think Men and Woman can be just friends if their is any attraction between them? I don't think so anymore. Is tempation hard for men?

 

Men and Women fall into affairs very often. So my advice is to not play just the tip with dopamine and oxytocin. They are poweful. I suggest you set a boundary of no male friends. YMMV.

[ZombieBarbie]

Although I am not condoning what you did, I don't think your a terrible person and a bad Christian on top of that. No one is perfect, and we ALL make mistakes. It sounds like you were not getting what you needed from your husband. As nice and hard working as he may be, he is never home. The best thing for you to do, is tell him about what happened, and be honest about your feelings, the guilt will eat you alive if you don't.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[OldOnTheInside]

Can I ask you something east?

 

Are you stupid?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We both know that the answer to the above question is "no".

 

So don't pretend to be stupid...because you aren't stupid. You're an adult. You know exactly what you did.

 

Now, the question is, how do you intent to proceed from here?

 

I can guarantee that you have just placed yourself in a very ugly position. That goes without saying.

[John Michael Kane]

I said I knew what I was doing was wrong and don't understand how I would be focused on him. Maybe I wasn't getting it from my relationship. Felt close to him and liked his friendship. Do you think Men and Woman can be just friends if their is any attraction between them? I don't think so anymore. Is tempation hard for men?

 

Okay so if you know what you did was wrong, then why are you still acting as if you don't know why you lust for him? You lust for him because you want to, and you choose to do nothing about it.

[eastsunshine2011]

Okay so if you know what you did was wrong, then why are you still acting as if you don't know why you lust for him? You lust for him because you want to, and you choose to do nothing about it.[/quote

 

 

I don't lust over him cuz I chose to. That all happened over a year of knowing him. Yes I was attracted right away but I developed strong feelings for him and caring about his kids doesn't help. Im always thinking about him and I hate that he's stuck in my head. Wish I never became friends with him cuz it sucks having feelings for someone u can't have.

[Mauschen]

Read the book His Needs Her Needs, which spells out exactly why people cheat and how to make your marriage better so cheating isn't as tempting. You can also visit marriagebuilders.com for more information on infidelity and why it happens.

 

My ex was unfaithful to me, and the pain was unbearable. To cheat on your husband, as you already know, is wrong on so many levels. You need to ask for his forgiveness and you need to learn how to put up boundaries for yourself. We are all attracted to people other than our spouses, some of us just choose not to act on it. You are lucky the man you have a crush on is not willing to enter a full-blown affair - he may have saved you your family and a life of heartache (that is if your husband is willing to forgive what you've already done).

 

I just got this email this morning, and thought I'd post it here for you to read:

“People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.” Proverbs 10:9 (NLT)

She was single and had been at peace with that … until his words stirred up feelings of loneliness and longings for affection. He was married with children.

Here she was a Christian who suddenly found herself in desperate need of clarity and support. She was falling into an emotional affair and wanted to talk with me about it.

A former boyfriend contacted her out of the blue. At first it was a fun blast from the past to hear his voice and find out what he was up to. But it didn’t take long before he confessed he had been thinking about her, missing her.

He told her his marriage wasn’t doing well, and hinted that he longed to be with her again. Sure enough, feelings of attraction bubbled to the surface of her heart. My friend said she and this man had not reconnected face-to-face, but they were reconnecting voice-to-voice, mind-to-mind, and heart-to-heart through the computer and phone.

Have you ever had the feeling someone else is really meant to be your soul mate?

Once someone pledges themselves to another in marriage before God, they essentially become soul mates. “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (Mark 10:7b-9 NLT)

Years ago I witnessed a woman begin an emotional affair with a man she “had more in common with” than her husband. Never mind the fact that she had her school-aged children in common with her husband. She was eventually confronted by members of her church, but did not end the relationship. She is divorced today.

We have to be honest with ourselves and with God. Jesus said we can commit adultery in our minds (Matthew 5:28); we can also commit an affair in our hearts. Plus, an emotional affair is often just the beginning stages of a physical one.

My friend struggling with this is single, but the man she’s falling for is not. This isn’t just a “married women’s issue.” We all have to guard our hearts. The Bible says they are the wellspring of our lives.

If you are in some type of affair now, I urge you to end it. Stop feeding that addiction. Run quickly from sexual immorality. Change your phone number, your email address and your daily routine if necessary to avoid him. Thankfully, my friend stopped speaking with her temptation.

If you are not entangled in this presently, guard yourself from falling into the trap. Be alert to slippery slopes. Don’t go trolling the internet to check on past loves. Beware confiding anything too personal, especially your marriage woes, to members of the opposite sex — find a female friend or counselor to talk to instead. Have an accountability partner periodically ask you how you’re doing in this area. And if you are married, invest in your marriage.

Finally, let’s turn our attention to the One who is Love (1 John 4:8) and who knows our hearts better than anyone else can. Let’s draw near to Christ who is truly our souls’ mate. We can safely satisfy our hearts in His.

Dear Lord, strengthen my friends to do what is right. And help me keep pure — mind, heart, body and soul. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

[Mauschen]

By the way, you lust over this man because you have made him your confidant instead of your husband. If you go to marriagebuilders.com, this will be further explained.

[eastsunshine2011]

By the way, you lust over this man because you have made him your confidant instead of your husband. If you go to marriagebuilders.com, this will be further explained.

 

Thank you for your feedback. I've asked God for forgiveness. But the guilt is eating me up inside. Telling my husband would only hurt him.

[Mauschen]

I think you're on the right track, by asking for forgiveness.

 

Unfortunately, the only way to have complete forgiveness and relieve yourself of the guilt is to reveal what you've done to your husband. Yes, it will hurt him. But he deserves to know. Only with full disclosure can the 2 of you mend your marriage and possibly make your marriage even better. It is clear that something is missing from your marriage, and that needs to change (see resources below).

 

Before you tell your husband, I suggest viewing the videos from Dr. Harley on youtube (

) and reading His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley.

 

We are all human and make mistakes. Fortunately, for all of us, God has provided us with salvation through grace. If you need further support, please feel free to private message me.

[crazyd]

Ah...the trappings of being human. First off, you crossed a boundary you shouldn't have. I'm not going to 2 x 4 you, but it seems almost as if you took advantage of his vulnerability (couldn't think of a better wording). You do realize this not only affects you, but your husband, and your kids. Do you think your kids can be friends with his kids now after what happend? You do realize that you'll need to stay away from him from now on?

 

You should reveal to your husband what happend. You say you don't want to hurt him, but are you hesitant to tell him to protect yourself? Just something to consider. If you tell him, then you can start getting past what happened, and let the course of the marriage flow from there. If not, then you probably won't, and will make it more easy for you to fall into a similar situation the next time a possible opportunity to be unfaithful arises.

[eastsunshine2011]

Ah...the trappings of being human. First off, you crossed a boundary you shouldn't have. I'm not going to 2 x 4 you, but it seems almost as if you took advantage of his vulnerability (couldn't think of a better wording). You do realize this not only affects you, but your husband, and your kids. Do you think your kids can be friends with his kids now after what happend? You do realize that you'll need to stay away from him from now on? You should reveal to your husband what happend. You say you don't want to hurt him, but are you hesitant to tell him to protect yourself? Just something to consider. If you tell him, then you can start getting past what happened, and let the course of the marriage flow from there. If not, then you probably won't, and will make it more easy for you to fall into a similar situation the next time a possible opportunity to be unfaithful arises.

Ur wrong, it won't happen again because I learned how I got in that situation thanks to Mauschen. I see he crossed the friendship boudries first by sharing too much personal info with me about his life problems. That should have been saved for same sex friends and that's how it all started.

[crazyd]

I'm not saying it will happen again with your friend. Doesn't necessarily have to be him. I was just tossing out a blanket hypothetical future scenario. With that hopefully clarified, it seems you learned a lesson from what happened.

 

Back to your story. What are you going to do if you need to see your friend again? How will you handle it? What happens if your husband finds out what occurred from another source? How will you deal with the aftermath if this gets out from another source besides yourself? Just some questions for you to ponder. I'm far, far, far from an expert on this subject, but I believe in being open with others when we wrong them, which in this case is your husband.

[eastsunshine2011]

I'm not saying it will happen again with your friend. Doesn't necessarily have to be him. I was just tossing out a blanket hypothetical future scenario. With that hopefully clarified, it seems you learned a lesson from what happened.

 

Back to your story. What are you going to do if you need to see your friend again? How will you handle it? What happens if your husband finds out what occurred from another source? How will you deal with the aftermath if this gets out from another source besides yourself? Just some questions for you to ponder. I'm far, far, far from an expert on this subject, but I believe in being open with others when we wrong them, which in this case is your husband.

 

1) I pretty much see or hear him everyday since he's a neighbor.

2) we just act like friends and stopped the flirting comments

3) what's the point in him telling my husband? He thinks I shouldn't cuz it wasnt serious and would cause more problems.

4) I don't want to hurt my husband

5) I still fight my feelings of still wanting to be with him. The devil is evil and it's hard to battle this secret emotionally. He doesn't even feel anything like I do. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[Mauschen]

1) I pretty much see or hear him everyday since he's a neighbor.

2) we just act like friends and stopped the flirting comments

3) what's the point in him telling my husband? He thinks I shouldn't cuz it wasnt serious and would cause more problems.

4) I don't want to hurt my husband

5) I still fight my feelings of still wanting to be with him. The devil is evil and it's hard to battle this secret emotionally. He doesn't even feel anything like I do. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

1) you need to stop communicating with him even if he is a neighbor. I have neighbors that I never see or communicate with

2) you shouldn't be acting like friends because you shouldn't have contact with this man. Let him know that you can't talk to him anymore because you're going to focus on your marriage and then delete his phone number from your phone

3) Of course he thinks you shouldn't tell your husband! That's because he is your neighbor and doesn't want to experience any uncomfortable situations with your husband.

4) You will hurt your husband by telling him - that's inevitable. But not telling him is betraying him even more and lying to him. He has a right to know.

5) Of course you still have feelings for your neighbor. You will until you sever ties with him and stop talking to him. You need to focus more on your husband and your marriage. Did you visit marriagebuilders.com and read His Needs Her Needs?

[eastsunshine2011]

I did look at marriage builders and learned something. Thankyou. I haven't purchases the book yet

[Entropy3000]

1) I pretty much see or hear him everyday since he's a neighbor.

2) we just act like friends and stopped the flirting comments

3) what's the point in him telling my husband? He thinks I shouldn't cuz it wasnt serious and would cause more problems.

4) I don't want to hurt my husband

5) I still fight my feelings of still wanting to be with him. The devil is evil and it's hard to battle this secret emotionally. He doesn't even feel anything like I do. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

Sorry, but you are in rationalization mode. You hurt your husband by not telling him. Since this guy is a neighbor you have acees to him 24x7. Your need your husband to know.

[eastsunshine2011]

Sorry, but you are in rationalization mode. You hurt your husband by not telling him. Since this guy is a neighbor you have acees to him 24x7. Your need your husband to know.

It's not gonna happen again. He's backed off and so have I.