Karala Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 What if you feel like you know they're the love of your life, if you believe no one else can ever make you as happy, and you feel like you'll never be able to forget them and move on? What if you have nothing to reproach them, can't "hang on" to any bad feelings like resentment or anger that would make you feel that things are better off as they are, what if you feel nothing but love for them? There are people out there who never get over their ex and go on to live a lonely life, stay depressed forever or even kill themselves, and I'm so scared that I'll become one of them. My ex says he still loves me and I know he means it, but he's just burned trying to make it work. He doesn't believe it anymore that things can be worked out and he doesn't want to try anymore. I'm miserable and I know he is too, but he's not going back on his decision. I can't force it and I don't want to. I'm new to this board and maybe there are countless threads already about this kind of situation... If that's the case, thank you so much to anybody who could point them out to me - I'm at my wits' end trying to figure out how I will ever cope with this breakup. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Pretty sure everyone feels this way at some point, and the majority of us do NOT go on to live our lives single and miserable forever until we commit suicide. You've got everything about this relationship and this guy "up on a pedastal", or "seeing it through rose colored glasses", or whatever other cliches. The love of your life would never give up on you! They would say yes clearly we have a lot of obstacles, but even if we have to spend every day working really hard to figure it all out, that will be a million times better than ever living my life without you. You just want to keep believing in this incredible romance, that's why you feel no anger or anything negative. Get angry! It's part of healing. Don't stay angry for the next 20 years, but get angry enough to shatter some of these beliefs that this is the only person for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Thank you, that was a very interesting point of view and I think you might be right. My ex has even said that to me, that maybe I was idealizing him too much lately. The thing is, for the whole time we were together, I found it so hard not to focus on the flaws in our relationship, then when we had our first half-assed separation and I decided I was willing to make it work no matter what, I decided to focus on all the good things finally and everything I loved about him and all the ways in which he did make me happy. That's the spirit I was in when I contacted him again a month ago, and I'm still feeling this way. I wrote about how any bad feelings seem to be dissolved now, in the last post to this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3431886#post3431886 The love of your life would never give up on you! I'm struggling with this concept. What if they (and you) have tried to make it work for 3+ years but still had problems and you feel like however much you love the person, it's just not working for you? Even I have felt this with him, at times. My love for him and desire to work things out has always ended up stronger, but maybe I'm the one who has a serious problem for trying to work things out even as hard as things were. Also, what about those couples that separate because of problems, but then end up together much later and living happily ever after? They did at one point give up on each other, but they still end up recognizing each other as their soulmates, right? Thanks a lot for you reply though, it does help! Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I still think she's going to come back at some point - so pretty much yeah. Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Also, what about those couples that separate because of problems, but then end up together much later and living happily ever after? They did at one point give up on each other, but they still end up recognizing each other as their soulmates, right? That has been known to happen but unfortunately it's a very rare thing. If I were you I wouldn't hold on to that thought, as nice as it is, as it will only create false hope. It's much safer to think it'll never happen and then be pleasantly suprised if it does rather than think it will happen and put you life on hold waiting for it. Link to post Share on other sites
SlowBlues Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I seriously feel like I will never get over it. There, I said it. Link to post Share on other sites
RuinedLife Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yes I feel like I'll never get over my ex. He is the best friend I've ever had. The only real friend I've ever had. And I have a tendency to turn on the unrequited love when I love someone in so many ways, so I wouldn't be surprised if images and thoughts of him are always with me. But I suppose they will become less and less realistic thoughts of him and more and more fantasy based thoughts of him. I'm still living in denial a lot at the moment though, struggling to believe thats its over forever and I keep living with the hope that one of these days he'll realise how much he loves me and come back. Part of me knows this is unlikely, but everytime the reality hits I just crumble onto the floor in a heap of emotionally tearful despair. Because I can't face the rejection and abandonment, especially knowing its my fault and there is nothing I can do to change things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 I'm still living in denial a lot at the moment though, struggling to believe thats its over forever and I keep living with the hope that one of these days he'll realise how much he loves me and come back. Part of me knows this is unlikely, but everytime the reality hits I just crumble onto the floor in a heap of emotionally tearful despair. Because I can't face the rejection and abandonment, especially knowing its my fault and there is nothing I can do to change things. God I know how you feel. When you say "especially knowing its my fault", even if I don't know the first thing about your situation, I would guess rationally there could be no situation when a breakup would be a 100% one person's fault, right? I'm admonishing myself here, because this is exactly how I feel, like it's all my fault and I'm the only one to blame for my own misery. But maybe this is me wanting to feel like I have or ever had control over his decision. Link to post Share on other sites
RuinedLife Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 God I know how you feel. When you say "especially knowing its my fault", even if I don't know the first thing about your situation, I would guess rationally there could be no situation when a breakup would be a 100% one person's fault, right? I'm admonishing myself here, because this is exactly how I feel, like it's all my fault and I'm the only one to blame for my own misery. But maybe this is me wanting to feel like I have or ever had control over his decision. In my situation the very personality defects that are making me suffer so much despair as a result of my break up, actually caused my break up in the first place! My anxiety and insecurities pushed my ex bf away from me, and I can never forgive myself for that. Also I feel I have no motivation to improve my self esteem if there is no hope of getting my ex bf back even though really, deep down, I know he's unlikely to ever come back. So in other words, I try to live in denial so I have motivation to work on my issues and improve my self esteem but my deep down worry that he will never come back no matter what I do constantly undermines my attempts to start getting better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) In my situation the very personality defects that are making me suffer so much despair as a result of my break up, actually caused my break up in the first place! My anxiety and insecurities pushed my ex bf away from me, and I can never forgive myself for that. This is EXACTLY how I feel, to a T. Seriously, I know how you feel. But you said also that your ex was a commitment phobe, (edited to add : did I just hallucinate that? If I did, I'm sorry, I just could have sworn you wrote about that somewhere) my ex was one too, and if they hadn't been commitment phobes, our anxiety and insecurities would not have driven them away so much, right? So maybe it isn't all our fault after all, is it? I also feel the same, at times, about never being able to forgive myself... But then I think that forgiving myself is the best way to move on from that sad place of anxiety and insecurity, that I need to forgive myself and take good care of myself so I can finally get better with this.. as opposed to just scolding myself and hating myself for it, I've done that for years and it never worked! In the end, what I could never forgive myself for is if I didn't do everything to evolve past the mistakes that I think have led me and my ex to break up... Also I feel I have no motivation to improve my self esteem if there is no hope of getting my ex bf back even though really, deep down, I know he's unlikely to ever come back. So in other words, I try to live in denial so I have motivation to work on my issues and improve my self esteem but my deep down worry that he will never come back no matter what I do constantly undermines my attempts to start getting better. Once again, this sounds a lot like me. Except maybe I can indulge in even more wishful thinking since my ex says he still loves me and maybe someday we can be together again. But I still know it's very unlikely to happen. Maybe a bit of denial isn't that bad for people in our situation, anything to help us get motivated to work on ourselves and move on from our problems. Heck, maybe it's true what they say, that when we have found our strenght and self-confidence, we wouldn't even take them back. I say it's okay to undulge in a bit of denial for now AS LONG AS we're still maintaining NC and not making things worse for ourselves. Edited June 3, 2011 by Karala clarification Link to post Share on other sites
RuinedLife Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) This is EXACTLY how I feel, to a T. Seriously, I know how you feel. But you said also that your ex was a commitment phobe, (edited to add : did I just hallucinate that? If I did, I'm sorry, I just could have sworn you wrote about that somewhere) my ex was one too, and if they hadn't been commitment phobes, our anxiety and insecurities would not have driven them away so much, right? So maybe it isn't all our fault after all, is it? I don't think I mentioned in any of my posts that my ex was a commitment phobe, but I'm pretty certain he is, as after our email fall out he refused to come and talk to me in person, telling me that he never wanted me to move in. I already knew he never wanted to get married, but I've never been bothered about that either, although I guess I am looking for someone that will always be there for me and who I can spend most of my life with and he told me he doesn't want that either. Also he's very undecided about his future, fixated on making money but keeps changing his plans and ideas. And it was this uncertainty about his future plans that added to my anxiety I think, but I still hold myself pretty much solely responsible for the break up as it was my insecurities and unwillingness to heed his warning that lead to us breaking up, and my insistence that he come and talk to me in person. I also feel the same, at times, about never being able to forgive myself... But then I think that forgiving myself is the best way to move on from that sad place of anxiety and insecurity, that I need to forgive myself and take good care of myself so I can finally get better with this.. as opposed to just scolding myself and hating myself for it, I've done that for years and it never worked! In the end, what I could never forgive myself for is if I didn't do everything to evolve past the mistakes that I think have led me and my ex to break up... I just can't seem to forgive myself at all. I feel so incredibly angry at myself almost all the time and it continually hinders my healing process. As I obsess over everything that happened so much and hate myself so much for making so many mistakes due to my anxiety, all of which could have been so easily avoided. And at first my ex told me that he forgave me, but I know really he clearly can't forgive me, because if he could then he would still love me and want to work through these problems. Once again, this sounds a lot like me. Except maybe I can indulge in even more wishful thinking since my ex says he still loves me and maybe someday we can be together again. But I still know it's very unlikely to happen. My ex did love me (or said he loved me) until I ignored his warning that my anxiety was getting out of control and stepped over a line. After that things went from bad to worse. Maybe a bit of denial isn't that bad for people in our situation, anything to help us get motivated to work on ourselves and move on from our problems. Heck, maybe it's true what they say, that when we have found our strenght and self-confidence, we wouldn't even take them back. I say it's okay to undulge in a bit of denial for now AS LONG AS we're still maintaining NC and not making things worse for ourselves. I'm just so desperate to make things right with him. As I hate myself so much for what I've done and I feel if we could be friends than maybe he could one day forgive me and see that I've changed and that I would never let my anxiety overwhelm me like that again. But this seems very unlikely now, no matter how much it hurts to admit that. I just hate that things between us have ended so badly, and I literally can't stand to look at myself in the mirror after what I've done. I crumble into despair regularly due in most part to my overwhelming sense of self loathing. Edited June 4, 2011 by RuinedLife Link to post Share on other sites
lubeaut Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 What if you feel like you know they're the love of your life, if you believe no one else can ever make you as happy, and you feel like you'll never be able to forget them and move on? What if you have nothing to reproach them, can't "hang on" to any bad feelings like resentment or anger that would make you feel that things are better off as they are, what if you feel nothing but love for them? There are people out there who never get over their ex and go on to live a lonely life, stay depressed forever or even kill themselves, and I'm so scared that I'll become one of them. My ex says he still loves me and I know he means it, but he's just burned trying to make it work. He doesn't believe it anymore that things can be worked out and he doesn't want to try anymore. I'm miserable and I know he is too, but he's not going back on his decision. I can't force it and I don't want to. I'm new to this board and maybe there are countless threads already about this kind of situation... If that's the case, thank you so much to anybody who could point them out to me - I'm at my wits' end trying to figure out how I will ever cope with this breakup. This is the dumbest crap iv ever heard! Move on! Best way to do it is going out into the world and meeting ppl. You will be over this person in days if not hours. Fix urself up do ur hair, if ur a guy get a fresh shave, and if ur a really homely person then I'm sorry but most likely you will be in love with this person for ever. I have loved and been loved so many times that its old and boring already. even beauty gets tiring. Link to post Share on other sites
Rozyo20 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 honestly i feel the same i loved him and i still love him but he dosent feel the same so even on my bad days i try to think why it did not worked and why it would never work i just need to focus on me and less on him, i think you should do the same for ur life and ur happiness and in regardless of him been "the one" if he was he would have never left u just an insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 I'm having one of those moments again. Will I ever really get over the addiction, or will I just have to spend the rest of my life doing as if? Link to post Share on other sites
RuinedLife Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I still can't believe my ex has really left me. Keep thinking, 'He still loves me. He must do. He just doesn't realise how much he still loves me. Doesn't realise how much he still needs me in his life. He'll change his mind any day now, he'll send me a text asking for forgiveness, he'll send an email asking if I'll give him another chance...' I'm so delusional. I feel the despair. But I'm not getting over it because I just reset to denial mode everytime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 2.40 am here, can't sleep, reflecting on the utter waste that is my life and seriously feeling like killing myself. So instead I go on this board and write. It's not just the breakup, actually it's more about my now life-long inability to earn a living. But yeah, also the thought that there's a strong possibility that I'll never have the love that I so much long for. People tell you "yeah you will find love again" but what do they know. I've fought so hard to make this relationship work, and all in vain. Same for my job issues and the efforts to keep depression at bay, I've been fighting and doing everything I could to get out of it for so many years now, and it doesn't seem like it has amounted to much. Hence why I don't feel like doing the effort any more for now. Exercising, eating well, therapy, reading self-help books, making projects, going out, trying to not go to bed too late (I have severe delayed sleep syndrome since always), positive thinking, blah blah blah... I've done it all and gave it so much effort, it's not even funny. What if I try cutting myself some slack and indulging for now. If I force myself into even more of the feel-good stuff and it backfires again, it's just gonna leave me even deeper in desperation and convinced that no effort of resolution of any kind can ever get me out of it. Sorry about how depressing that sounds. I'm just so sick of everything. Many things in my life I am truly grateful for (family, friends, all things I love from art and nature to dance lessons and talking cat videos) but none of it all can repay the misery of not being able to attain the two goals that matter more to me, being able to make a living (and not have it be hell) and share a life with someone special. Usually I would "try and act reasonable" and keep my computer shut down and just wait for sleep to come and going through the hell of insomnia, anxiety and deep-of-the-night despair. F*** it. I feel like killing myself and I should deny myself the only things that seem to bring me some relief? I might even smoke a cigarette. Hah. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 lol, just wanted to share something I just read on another message board: What does NC mean? and the other persone replying: New Clothes. I'm grateful that I can still smile and laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 My doc at the veteran center prescribed me some sleeping pills - they've been helping pretty well to keep my sleep regulated. I still wake up choking in the middle of the night.... but at least I get to sleep at reasonable hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) My trouble is I've been using them almost every night for months now (since the separation), although I never wanted to become addicted to them and fought using them for a long time, but insomnia and late-night anxiety were such a b*tch, I gave in. I've popped 2 pills of Xanax and one of Ambien as we're speaking, and still not dozing off. I'm really concerned, but at the same time at loss at to what my options are. I've always had trouble sleeping alone. When spending nights with the ex, I would doze off in his arms while watching House (admittely, usually after taking a couple hits from his joint) and all would be well in Care Bears' world. (have no idea how that translates in english, but this is an expression we have here in France meaning basically "the land where nothing bad ever happens" ^^) Last time I tried not taking a sleeping pill, I ended up waking up in the middle of the night with this dreadful sinking feeling so I know what you mean about waking up choking. Sucks. I suppose I will find solutions at one point but for the moment, like I said, I don't feel like making the effort. Maybe some new ideas will come to me for trying something different. As long as I'm still on the ride, I'm all for self-exploration and striving to make progress. ETA : I did smoke that cigarette. Bad girl, me. Edited June 10, 2011 by Karala edited to add Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Right now they are foisting a lot of meditation techniques on us to help deal with stress issues, some of them help going to sleep. Honestly, sometimes the best thing to do is just count backward from 100, and when you get to 0 start again. Or you can try progressive muscle relaxation. Or masturbation (but honestly I haven't been up for that much, and I doubt most people here really think about that at all). Not trying to be scandalous, just a little funny and gross. Link to post Share on other sites
Tanduay Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 It's been 6 years and I haven't completely gotten over him. Now he's gotten the "girl of his dreams" everything's surfaced again and hitting so hard... Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 honestly i feel the same i loved him and i still love him but he dosent feel the same so even on my bad days i try to think why it did not worked and why it would never work i just need to focus on me and less on him, i think you should do the same for ur life and ur happiness and in regardless of him been "the one" if he was he would have never left u just an insight. Yea right. Aren't you the girl who already has a FWB with a seemingly endless libido? And you "honestly" feel the same? bull**** Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karala Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Right now they are foisting a lot of meditation techniques on us to help deal with stress issues, some of them help going to sleep. Honestly, sometimes the best thing to do is just count backward from 100, and when you get to 0 start again. Or you can try progressive muscle relaxation. Or masturbation (but honestly I haven't been up for that much, and I doubt most people here really think about that at all). Not trying to be scandalous, just a little funny and gross. lol, by the way, that was funny ^^ Thing is I don't even feel like making the effort anymore. What good will it do me to get back on track, become my old self again etc... because my life basically sucks. I don't want to go back to it. I've no interest in re-integrating my lonely appartment and resuming life as before, only lonely now. All of my life needs to be different now, either that or I just don't have any interest in "my life" anymore. And since I've no idea how to make things better for myself now - really more like I have and had so many ideas that never amounted to much, I'm burned trying - for now I'm just letting myself slide into nothingness, accepting that I have no f***ing idea how to get out of it and letting it be. Basically, owning up to my depression if you will. The suffering stays tolerable as long as I'm not expecting much more from myself than getting up in the morning (rather sometime around noon), getting dressed, and spending my day reading and writing on this board, and feeling thankful that I have a family that is allowing me shelter for as much time as I need to process what just happened to me. F*** trying to do the "sensible thing", go to bed at a decent hour and then lying there forever thinking about my sucky life and feeling like dying. If hanging around reading and writing til wee hours of the morning make me feel better, I'll just do that. My life sucks, so I might as well enjoy it. If that makes any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
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