he lied and i have no trust

[bigmomma1974]

Just needed to vent a little or maybe alot. I am married to a man that i love so much. He is my rock but recently i found out he has been lying to me about smoking pot. I asked him not to and he promised he wouldnt. So I gave him another chance, only to wake up one morning at 530 am to find a marijuana pipe on my couch, I was livid. I do not want that stuff in my house or around my kids. He is their step dad, I have 3 kids. I just do not know what to do, I am trying to move pass this but it is hard. I love him but lost all trust in him. Other then this one thing he is a good man, but I cant stand a liar and do not want to be married to someone who is a pot head, also he is currently laid off and struggling to find work. He could have had a decent job but he couldnt pass a drug test. I am so confused I just do not know what to do.

[russt]

Hmmm, I just woke up, having my coffee and am reading this. The way I see it you got two choices, and honestly only one choice but if you really want to give this a last, last effort then I guess two.

First choice, tell him it's time for him to go or you go, depending on living on arrangements. He told he quit, he violated your trust and that takes so long to repair once damaged. Not to mention, his addiction has taken priority over his finances/career and your relationship, because you said he could of had a good job that he had to reject/turn down because he was not able to pass a drug test, that to me has serious warning flags all over a it.

 

Second choice, you tell him, as of tomorrow, he either seeks rehab therapy, in which case you want to go to be involved in since you are affected, and he seeks real employment, immediately, if he turns down another good job or can't pass another drug test, you are gone.

But honestly, I think it's too little too late, this option would of been my proposal once he turned down a job because he couldn't pass a drug test, but now that you throw lying in the equation, that's the big one. It's kind of like my employer, I'm randomly drug tested. If I go in tonight and tell em, hey I gotta problem, I am addicted to smoking pot, I need help to quit, they would get me medical help, and we would work on fixing it. However, if I go in tonight, and the drug screener is waiting for me, and I tell em, I need help, it's too late, I have already gambled and violated their trust, so I'm out.

 

Good luck with your situation.....

[Eve]

Just needed to vent a little or maybe alot. I am married to a man that i love so much. He is my rock but recently i found out he has been lying to me about smoking pot. I asked him not to and he promised he wouldnt. So I gave him another chance, only to wake up one morning at 530 am to find a marijuana pipe on my couch, I was livid. I do not want that stuff in my house or around my kids. He is their step dad, I have 3 kids. I just do not know what to do, I am trying to move pass this but it is hard. I love him but lost all trust in him. Other then this one thing he is a good man, but I cant stand a liar and do not want to be married to someone who is a pot head, also he is currently laid off and struggling to find work. He could have had a decent job but he couldnt pass a drug test. I am so confused I just do not know what to do.

 

BTW, love your avatar.

 

I am not into people who use substances, though I understand that for many they feel they are more creative because of this. I wouldn't want it around me although I smoked for a time in my early teens. It simply would not happen around my lovely children. I still think that my ex smoking pot is what made him turn all weird, obsessive and generally ****ed up. I don't think it has helped him over the years either.

 

The trust thing would be big for me too but I am really hardcore and permit very few people access to my home. Hence he would not (now with hindsight from my previous experience) have been seen to be a good match from the time I found out that he uses pot. How long have you known? I just think he really took the piss here with smoking in the home. Big disrespect there. I wouldn't tolerate that at all. Suppose the kids had found it? No, that's just lazy.

 

I suppose you could give him another chance if you feel he is really sorry. Bottom line - you may have to accept that he is a pot smoker though and have the boundary that he smokes away from the home.

 

Overall, I would not like to be tied in to the expectation that when things go wrong that there would be this aspect that he could possibly turn to using substances in the home. Job or no job, he would have to go and sort that out somewhere else in my world.

 

But I am able to support my family myself, so it it easy for me to say.

 

Dunno, if you want to support him through this, it may work. Or he may just take the piss again. Weigh up whether he is worth the investment of time. Don't get too fluffy within this assessment either. You are not responsible for him.

 

Talk together! Look into local substance misuse programmes if this is becoming a problem for him and encourage him to at least do some voluntary work to fill the gap in his employment history.

 

We are more than our earning potential and a bit of voluntary work could open new doors.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[pilotDXB]

Hmmm, I just woke up, having my coffee and am reading this. The way I see it you got two choices, and honestly only one choice but if you really want to give this a last, last effort then I guess two.

First choice, tell him it's time for him to go or you go, depending on living on arrangements. He told he quit, he violated your trust and that takes so long to repair once damaged. Not to mention, his addiction has taken priority over his finances/career and your relationship, because you said he could of had a good job that he had to reject/turn down because he was not able to pass a drug test, that to me has serious warning flags all over a it.

 

 

 

 

Good luck with your situation.....

 

I think there are a couple variables that need to be examined here.

 

I think it is going too far to say that he has a full fledged addiction. Pot is one of the least addictive illegal substances around. I think its a bit premature to be talking about rehab, na, and separation.

 

There is no doubt that he lied, and that is an issue that needs to be addressed, and having three kids in the house does not help my call for restraint. Consider this: he has been laid off - this is an extremely stressfull situation for many people, especially those that have families to provide for. I'm a pilot in the united arab emirates for a growing international carrier, and many of my colleagues come from the various us carriers that laid off their employees and scrapped entire pension plans in their bankruptcies. A few even had full fledged nervous breakdowns and have not been medically cleared to fly again. Youre probably asking where is this going, so let me get to the point. Maybe he just needed a stress reliever, as artificially induced as it is.

 

I think it is more important to discuss what causes him to smoke pot over the actual act of the taking the drug and the dishonesty.

 

Dont dump him because of this.

[Eve]

I think there are a couple variables that need to be examined here.

 

I think it is going too far to say that he has a full fledged addiction. Pot is one of the least addictive illegal substances around. I think its a bit premature to be talking about rehab, na, and separation.

 

There is no doubt that he lied, and that is an issue that needs to be addressed, and having three kids in the house does not help my call for restraint. Consider this: he has been laid off - this is an extremely stressfull situation for many people, especially those that have families to provide for. I'm a pilot in the united arab emirates for a growing international carrier, and many of my colleagues come from the various us carriers that laid off their employees and scrapped entire pension plans in their bankruptcies. A few even had full fledged nervous breakdowns and have not been medically cleared to fly again. Youre probably asking where is this going, so let me get to the point. Maybe he just needed a stress reliever, as artificially induced as it is.

 

I think it is more important to discuss what causes him to smoke pot over the actual act of the taking the drug and the dishonesty.

 

Dont dump him because of this.

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

 

People may think me cold here but I would disagree that his stress levels should be the primary focus.

 

Bottom line - Once you pacify a person, often they will continue to take the piss. He should not have smoked in the house because he agreed not to. Simple as that.

 

As far as I am concerned, as an adult, if someone crosses my boundaries and I have to reassert myself, trouble is coming. If the OP is not careful there is a trail of events that can transpire which ultimately leads to the killer of most relationships, (in my view). This is when an adult relationship become a parent-child relationship due to ill boundaries. Seriously time consuming stuff and not many get back the balance of an adult-adult relationship.

 

.. Also, it could lead to the children modelling his behaviours and all sorts. No, don't become his Mum, whatever happens OP! He needs to control himself. Whatever happens, don't be one of those whingers who lose control of what goes on in their own homes!

 

Forgive him and work it out if possible but don't pacify him.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[bigmomma1974]

I appreciate everyones opinions and outlook on this I do. I wont passify him by know means, I am mad as hell. We have been talking about this to keep my anger in check. I do love him with all my heart and you are correct once one breaks trust it is hard to regain it. one says could be from stress and that is the cause of him smoking it. He did mention this to me and I may sound like a b*tch hear but I do not care why he did it. If he is so stressed he can see a doctor as i suggested yesterday. Thanks All I appreciate you listening to my vents and I will figure it out one way or another but if i ever catch him in another lie I know what i will do. I am trying to give him the beenfit of the doubt and we will see. He has a j0ob interview tomorrow he does look for work it was just frustrating that he couldnt take the job that was available a month ago.