My boyfriend is receiving birthday cards from his ex ---- confused & hurt

[avtcrmc]

Hi everyone,

 

First of all, I am new to this forum...just wanted to say that before I "dished" out

 

I am currently in a happy relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. Issues with ex-es were quite frequent in the beginning of our relationship, so we kind of loosely decided that we weren't going to keep in touch with our ex-es, except for maybe on a very rare occasion. To me that was no problem, but I had a hard time getting him to agree to it, but he eventually did. (He said he considered his ex-es to be people that he spent lots of time with, and therefore people he would want to keep in touch with) We never really defined what "loosely" was, but I don't think he initiates any phone or email conversation with her.

 

BUT, recently, I learned that he had received an e-card from his ex (the one before me). It has been several years since their relationship ended, yet he receives an e-card from her almost every year. Furthermore, he wrote her back, although I do not know what he said. Also, he never mentioned it to me. Is this a "breach" of our loose agreement, even if he did not initiate it?

 

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated....I am really hurt and confused and do not know where I stand on this issue......

 

Jonna

[faux]

Would you want your boyfriend to tell you who you can, and cannot be friends with? I bet your answer is no, because that would be wrong, right?

 

That is precisely what you have demanded your boyfriend do: not talk to his friends. They may be exes, but they are still his friends. I am friends with several of my exes, and I'm sure quite a few other people are friends with their exes as well.

 

You stated the ex sending him birthday greetings is several years in the past. I do not know why you are getting so upset over this. What harm does it cause you if he is keeping in contact with a friend that he just happened to date several years ago?

 

I do not believe you have the right to decide who your boyfriend can be friends with. There may be some trust issues here that you are not addressing. Be certain that he knows what he supposedly "agreed" to, and at the same time realize that he never had to "agree" to anything such as this. It isn't wrong for him to have friends, no matter how he used to relate to them in the past. It isn't wrong for you to do either.

 

Relating directly to parts of your post:

 

...BUT, recently, I learned that he had received an e-card from his ex (the one before me). It has been several years since their relationship ended, yet he receives an e-card from her almost every year.

 

This is perfectly natural. It was years ago. She's wishing him happy birthday.

 

Furthermore, he wrote her back, although I do not know what he said.

 

What he said is not any of your business, to put it bluntly. I would write someone back as well if they sent me a greeding. It would be quite rude not to.

 

Also, he never mentioned it to me. Is this a "breach" of our loose agreement, even if he did not initiate it?

 

Again, he did not have to mention it to you. I don't see this as a "breach" of an "agreement". You state "loose" agreement. Did he even agree to anything? As I stated above: You don't have the right to make him agree to anything like this in the first place. He can speak to whoever he wishes.

[spencer]

this is not really a big deal. If this is your only complaint about him you've got it good.

 

let him have his birthday cards from former girlfriends.

there is nothing threatening to you, about this type of contact.

 

tell yourself it means he is a good person, that his ex's aren't pissed off because he was a idiot or something.

i think it say's alot for a person when they can be friends with their ex after the relationship.

 

really, let it go. send your ex a birthday card or a what's up email. you will see there is nothing wrong with it.

If it really bugs you, just tell him that you don't want to hear about his ex or what they talk about. You cant stop him from contacting his friends even if they once dated.

[SoleMate]

He hears from his ex "almost every year"??!! Now if you had said "almost every day", I could see the problem. And yearly greetings are a "rare occasion" in my book.

 

spencer and faux got it just right. The birthday greetings are common courtesy and mild friendship, nothing more. I'm not sure I'd want a man who had nothing but smoking bridges littered with charred corpses behind him. Like spencer said, it speaks well of him that he can call it/have it called quits without declaring a Kosovo-style ethnic war. Maybe lighten up on him a bit? Do you have any reason to think he is not as committed to you as he claims to be?

 

Every relationship needs its breathing room.

[Pyrannaste]

I am with Spencer and Solemate here

 

hey, that wasn't even a real card. Sending an e-card doesn't cost you a cent, they are free, you don't even have to make the effort of sealing the envelope, sticking a stamp on it and mailing it. It's not like she sent him this huge, very expensive looking birthday card she spent a lot of time on.

Writing back to her is just politeness, I guess.

 

this is just the "very rare occasion" you both agreed on

[Papillon]

avtcrmc, (I'm getting a StrongBad moment here),

 

You really ought to deal with your own insecurities... seriously. You have a problem with this simply because the problem lies with you.

 

At first I thought this thread is a prank...obviously it ain't. C'mawn, girl, you're yankin' the pond from underneath the duck.

[spencer]

Originally posted by SoleMate

have it called quits without declaring a Kosovo-style ethnic war.

 

is that what it's called now......hahahahahahahahah

[Thinkalot]

I don't think you have too much to be concerned about, speaking rationally. Probably you deal need to deal with your own self esteem and insecurity, which can make us think irrationally. Been there.

My guy also received contact from his ex-wife on birthdays etc. I think that is normal and nothing to worry about.

[Lilyann]

I still talk to my ex. We dated for five years. He got married a year ago. We still keep in communication with one another. We were engaged also. It is merely a friendship. When you are in someone's life for so long, you tend to mean something to them. I would not want to end my relationship with him nor as I found out he with me. However, just because to exes talk to one another does not mean that they are going to get together. When he starts talking to her more often then you should be concerned.