Unclear signs...

[Dood101]

Hi,

 

I'm currently in a confused state. I'm usually good at interpreting things like these, but somehow this one just escapes me. As an introduction, i'm 26 a working professional, she's 20 still in her mid years of college, we live 2 states apart or approx. 200 miles away. Anyway to the story.., I just recently got to know of this girl from a friend, we started off by me texting her, at first like most people, i wanted to get to know her, so we texted usually once a day at night, just one text from me would initiate a full blown conversation between us lasting approx 20-30 texts or even more at a time. She would reply quite fast and from there, i think she likes chatting with me. But the thing is, i'm the person who initiates all of the texts, if i dont text her in a particular day, she wont text me, so this confuses me. Why is she not taking the initiative? is she really interested or is she just leading me on?

 

Anyway going forward, after 2 weeks of texting, i built up the courage to call her, our conversations would last on average 1 and a half hours each time, since i've just started working, i would only call her once or twice a week to avoid exorbitant phone bills. Both of us just like to talk alot. When i asked if she talks to other guys for this long at a time, she answered no, except me and her ex bf, it makes me think that she's interested. But like texting, she NEVER initiates a call, it will always be me, and me only. But i tell myself that its because she's a college student living off her parents and she cant afford the calls, but common sense tells me that why can't she just call and say a simple "Hi, how are you?" This again confuses me.

 

After a month of numerous texts and calls, we decided to meet, and from her reactions to our appointment, it makes me feel like it was a one-sided deal, as in i'm the one who really wants to meet her where she's fine either way. Again, i'm confused. She once told me that she does not go on a one-on-one date with a guy she has never met before without being accompanied by other female friends, but she went out with me....alone, just like a normal date, we talked a lot and did what a normal couple does on dates, lunch and a movie. So this again makes me feel like she's really interested in me. But the date ended in quite a disappointing way, when i dropped her off, the only thing she said was "Ok Bye" and got out of my car, i mean, i drove 200 miles just to see her, and this is the only words that i get? Now i'm getting more confused and really frustrated.

 

So the day after the date i texted her, and one reply stood out most, she texted me "i think u should not like a person too easily", i was like very surprised, is she hinting to me that she's not interested? or does she wants us to get to know each other more? I'm thinking that my previous text of "i'm sad not being able to easily see you since you live so far away" triggered this reply from her. From my opinion, she's a little bit immature by the way she talks, answers questions and speaks.

 

It got me thinking, am i going too fast? am i pushing too hard? should i back off? So i made the decision to not text her for a few days just to see her reaction, so far its been 2 days without any communication from either side.

 

Am i doing the right thing? Am i going too fast? or the most important question of all, is she interested in me? or is she just passing through? How do i positively know that she's interested in me if she really is, what other 'tests' that i could employ to get a sure sign. This is my 2nd time in the love game so i'm fairly inexperienced.

 

To add to the above, she broke up with her bf around 8 months ago, and still has a hard time letting him go, her facebook wall contains a lot of heartbroken posts such as "when i look at a star and thinking of you, i'm wishing that you're thinking of me too". She's pretty attractive with a slew of guys trying to hit on her but i was told by her BFF that she only prefer older and more mature guys.

 

Please help me, any advice is highly appreciated.

 

P.S. Sorry if the story is lame or pathetic and apologies on my bad english.

 

Thank you,

Very Confused

[superchiefs]

My feeling is that you put in so much time in to talking to her without seeing her in person that she placed you in to a friend category. If you really want to develop something more with this girl, then you need to do what you can to see her more in person so that you can make more physical contact with her, such as holding hands and walking together. If she withdraws from the physical contact, then you will know that she isnt interested in you romantically. However, I think you have a decent shot at her because it sounds like you are very compatiable on an intellectual level. But romantic relationships also require physical attraction.

[neowulf]

Ok, just a couple of thoughts.

 

"Am i doing the right thing? Am i going too fast? or the most important question of all, is she interested in me? or is she just passing through? How do i positively know that she's interested in me if she really is, what other 'tests' that i could employ to get a sure sign. This is my 2nd time in the love game so i'm fairly inexperienced."

 

Ok, first thing. Forget "tests". When you think in terms of "testing", what you're really saying is you're too afraid to simply make a move. You're waiting to know "for sure" that you're not going to be rejected. This gives away a HUGE amount of your personal power in the situation. If you like her that much, make a move. Ask her on a date, try kiss her. Be prepared to accept her reaction either way. Be bold.

 

Secondly, forget what people say. *Always* judge them by their actions. You've said this girl is putting *zero* effort into maintaining contact with you. You are the one putting all the effort in, making all the calls, doing all the chasing.

 

It's a common mistake. "She's not giving, maybe I'm not giving hard enough.. I'll just give EVEN MORE! That'll work".

 

No, sorry. It doesn't. People with a high level of interest *want* to move the relationship forward. They put the effort in, they try to make contact and grow the relationship. This girl is showing none of those signs.

 

It could well be she likes the attention. It could well be that she thinks she's just "being friendly". It could be she doesn't want to be the one to have to tell you "Look, I'm not interested". None of the reasons really matter, because the actions are speaking loud and clear.. "I feel very take it or leave it about you and our relationship".

 

My advice would be to let this one go. The distance thing alone is going to make dating impractical.

Edited June 3, 2011 by neowulf

[spiderowl]

I get the feeling she likes you, thinks you're a nice guy, but just isn't feeling that magnetic attraction one needs to encourage it further. As you said, she is responding but not initiating. If you were at the very beginning of getting to know her stage, I would think perhaps she is waiting to see if you are interested and that's why she's not initiating but she knows by now that you are interested. Her comment to you suggests that she's not feeling the same attraction as you and that she thinks you are leaping in with strong feelings from the start. She knows you are putting a lot into this and she's concerned about that when she isn't feeling the same way.

 

I'd give her some space to see if she misses you. Even if she contacts you, it might be from concern about you rather than because she's become aware she really is in love with you. I'm sorry but I don't think this is going anywhere. Nothing you have said suggests she feels more than friendship towards you. You deserve someone more enthusiastic who wants to interact.

[Dood101]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies and advice.

 

I think you guys are right. If someone really is interested in having a relationship, she/he would strive at it.

 

And yes i think i've given it too much effort and too many obvious signs. She might very well be interested in me but not as much as me towards her. Maybe she only likes the attention.

 

Just to update you guys, she admitted to me that she wants someone she can count on, a stable long term relationship and that she actually is currently looking for a BF.

 

Also she told me that even with her ex, she NEVER initiates the texts or calls, she will wait for him to do so. This method of hers gives me the impression that she's very self centered and that guys must some sort of bow down to her.

 

So with that said i'll most probably let this one go, or at least i'll ignore her and see how she reacts. The distance itself makes the process of really getting to know her impractical.

 

Thanks guys!!, i deserve better

[D-Lish]

The facebook posts about missing her ex are a huge red flag.

It sounds like she's still wrapped up in her ex, so probably even more reason to let this one go.

[Dood101]

The facebook posts about missing her ex are a huge red flag.

It sounds like she's still wrapped up in her ex, so probably even more reason to let this one go.

 

Yeah, she seems to have a very hard time in accepting that fact. Which reminds me that she once told me that she thought of her ex when she went out with me, i was seriously dumbfounded at the time, speechless really.

 

Feels like i want to give her a piece of my mind...damn.

[spiderowl]

If she's still talking about her ex in a wistful way, you are risking a lot by getting involved with her. Until she's open to another relationship with a real person, it's not worth you wasting your time.

 

Regardless of what she says, she ought to initiate sometimes, even if she needs the reassurance of you initiating a lot of the time.

 

Although she hasn't shown great interest so far, it could be that having her mind on her ex has hindered things. If you cool it a little and talk with her about other interests, she may realise that she's not paid you enough attention and that it could work with you. You need to be sure she's over the other guy first though.

[Mimi99]

I dated this guy for a couple of months. It was going great. He used to initiate all contact, called me every day. I on the other hand, never initiated any contact. This was not because I wasn't interested, but I liked the attention I was getting. I knew he liked me a lot and I just let him do all the calling. We talked for a couple of hours everyday. He wasn't the most interesting person, but he was a good guy and I was attracted to him, he was a gentleman, respectful and all. Anyway, I messed it all up, because I never made time for him on weekends and always wanted to meet him on weekdays. He had to drive an hour to see me, each time. Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking. He gave me that security that no matter what he'll be chasing. Well, he got tired of chasing and quit on me. I regret not taking any initiative and trying to make it work. compared to all the lame guys I've been dating he was a good guy. So my point is, I think she likes you. Just play it cool a little, ask her out again and see what she says. If it's a definite NO with no suggestions to meet another time, then you'll know for sure.

[Dood101]

Thanks for sharing your experience Mimi99. Like you, i think she liked the attention i was giving her, but it really discourages a guy if she does not initiate the texts and all. There was one she texted me and said she dreamt about me and stuff. Like you, she did invite me to see her once on a weekday, but she obviously knows i work and am only free on the weekends.

 

Now when i text her she gives me stupid one liners which makes me think that she's no longer interested in having a conversation with me, maybe because i haven't called her for a few days now, not even in this weekend. Sigh...confused.

[Mimi99]

Ask her out again. Thats the only way you'll know for sure. If she agrees and goes out with you, based on how the date goes, you'll know if she's feeling you or not. And I would quit the texts and just call her. Maybe, she expects you to call her instead of texting her. That could be the reason why she's giving you one liners.

[Dood101]

Ok guys, an update.

 

Anyway like Mimi suggested, i asked her out again, to my surprise, she accepted, and so we went out, it was a real date with the cliche movie session, drinks, and fancy dinner, i even gave her a pink rose (yeah cheezy i know). The date went ok in the first half, there was a lot of touching by me, kinda hugged her and stuff just to see how she reacted, she seemed to not mind and all. The date was mediocre at best, nothing really eventful.

 

Fast forward, after i sent her back, we got into an argument after she texted me about the flower i gave her which she told me she doesn't like flowers and stuff. Going on, i pretty much gave her a piece of my mind, i basically told her why i liked her, and that normal friends don't drive 4 hours to and fro just to see one another, nor do they give roses, and this is the reply i got "it was nice to be friend with you, for the time being lets be friend first, because u know i am still unable to forget my ex"

 

And then i saw on her FB wall saying "I feel that i want it, but sorry i cant", i straight away knew who that message was intended for.

 

So what is she telling me? did i just went into her friendzone? or is she telling me "not now, not yet"? Should i seriously let this one go now? or should i play it cool and wait while of course searching for others lol.

 

Thanks guys!

[Badenov]

There seems to be a lack of respect towards you. You give her a flower & she doesn't appreciate he gesture for what it is? You drive 4 hours & she gives you the "let's be friends" BS? She talks about her ex to you?

 

I just don't see how this can end well for you. At best you'll end up being the rebound guy until someone else comes along or she has a fling with the ex--and face it, she doesn't sound like the type who will be honest with you about it. In the end, you will lose your self-respect & feel like a chump while she does whatever she wants guilt-free. You seem like a decent guy who deserves better.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but the signs are all there: she's too wrapped up in herself to give you any consideration.

[Dood101]

Badenov, thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it, i too agree with you. Even her BFF of whom i know was really surprised by her friend's action towards me and apologized on her behalf.

 

You are right on the honesty part, i don't think she can be honest with me about her feelings, she's the type of person who keeps a lot of things to herself which she covers up with somewhat "hurtful" looking smiles and laughs.

 

I think i'll let this one go and look for someone who truly appreciates and deserves my company.

 

Thanks guys for opening my eyes before i get hurt too deep. Cheers!