Letting go or believeing hes the one???

[calndn]

Im in a bit of an up/down mode, its very strange, its been 7 months since my ex split with me but really its only been 3 months since I last met up with him purposefully and about 6 weeks since I last saw him. He messed me around at the end of our relationship, dont think he knew what he wanted, he said he wanted to be single and have fun and struggled to maintain the feelings he had for me before. He came back in new year saying he still loved me and I stupidly went along with it only to be played around for a few months and unceremoniously 'dumped' again, well I didnt go back out with him but the whole meeting up/going out/sleeping with him stopped after he was an absolute bastard one night with too much drink involved.

 

Anyway...so he went from saying he cared to telling me basically to **** off and leave him alone (It was both ways I wasnt pestering him at all). I saw him 6 weeks ago in the pub and he was all lovely with me after everything I thought it was quite a surprise he even spoke to me (clearly forgot about saying he wanted me to stay away!) he even asked if I would like to come over the next evening (this angered me as I just thought 'the cheek of it') I didnt go round, I didnt contact him (I was v proud of myself for not doing that!!). Ive started to feel better and Ive started to realise how horrid he was, even though I still love him, still believe hes 'the one'. I dont get upset half as much as i used to, but...

 

I went out with a guy first time ive sort of gone on a date (ive gone out with two other men on a date since splitting up) but this was the first time when i felt ready to date again, the guy was lovely....literally lovely....but I just didnt fancy him, and cant obv force myself to fancy him. And the worst thing was that I was wishing it was my ex with me because when we are together we just get on so well, we have a laugh, we know eachother inside and out and obv....I fancy him!! And it got me thinking about him again, thinking about how we were good together (yes there were some arguments towards the end of the relationship and yes he did say he didnt feel the same way) but I do believe its because he wanted to be single, have fun, felt a bit tied down, he is only 23/4.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? And experienced a guy thats split up because he wants to 'have fun' I truly believe, and yes I might be naive and it might be because im not 100% over my ex, but I just believe we are meant to be...has anyone experienced getting back with someone years down the line, im not talking months, but in the future you know?

 

I havent heard/seen him in 6 weeks, even though he lives in same town as me, and like I said, i dont get upset half as much and I am so much better than I was a few months ago (with the help of counselling) but feeling like this is still annoying me, I feel its a burden on my shoulders!!

 

We have friends in common, but really not many for it to become an issue...hes blocked me on faceboook too...ive deleted his number thank god, even though I wouldnt contact him id feel tempted, its almost liek i want to talk to him xxx

[Exit]

You are doing good and you just need to keep getting better.

 

Dating is a good idea when you're fully ready, but yes there is that drawback that on the first couple dates, it is going to happen where you sit there and just think of your ex and how much more fun you would be having. But that is just because you already know each other and it would be more comfortable, but being comfortable is not a reason to want to be with somebody. Eventually you will go on dates and not constantly be doing the mental comparison.

 

Yes, of course there are stories of people who break up and eventually end up together. That's the whole "if it's meant to be" idea. And the beauty of that, is that it requires no effort on your part, there is nothing you need to do, and you certainly don't need to wait for him and suffer. You both go about your lives, and if it is meant to be, it will come back around. Yes some people have success stories like this, but do not let that create false hope for you. I would say it's definitely a small minority of broken couples who actually experience the success of coming back and actually staying there.

 

It's good that you recognize that you are doing better than you were a few months ago, and that should fuel your belief that in a little while you WILL feel better than you do now.

 

I know it's hard. Just try to keep going.

[Renard99]

Hi calndn

 

I'm in the same situation as you with my ex. I truely believe she was 'the one' for me. I wanted to marry her and had plans in motion along those lines. But then she did the whole 'wondering what I'm missing in life' and 'wanting to be single and have fun' like your ex did. She eventually told me she 'loved me but wasn't IN love with me' and that was the end of it after 7 and a half years together.

 

I've only been on one date, but, like you ended up comparing the date to my ex and that simply wasn't fair on her. She was a really nice person, and, if I'm honest, far more attractive than my ex, but the conversation, that I used to love so much with my ex, just simply wasn't there. I honestly thought I was ready to date but doesn't seem like it now.

 

To answer your question of Letting go or believeing hes the one? I think we just have to view it as they were 'the one' but by leaving us they no longer are. 'The one' wouldn't have left us. 'The one' is the person that is just as into us as we are into them and our exs have proven that's not the case and from that perpective, no matter how much we believe they're the one...... we have to let go.

[Rose T]

Hi calndn,

 

Hang on in there. As Exit says, you are definitely on the right path.

 

I remember how sad I felt after going on my first date after my break-up. No attraction, some good qualities but... meh. I felt like I was trying to prod a corpse into life (that corpse was me, btw). Horrible.

 

But eventually you will go on a date with someone you fancy and it will totally rock your world. Six weeks isn't much, keep going, keep NC, keep doing what you're doing. You are totally moving in the right direction! Believe and try and keep your heart open.

 

For your own sanity? Please don't keep thinking your ex is the one. You can't fight for something on your own. A relationship is a temple with two pillars, remember? Fight for you. Try and look good and feel good. It's all about you. And that's cool.

[calndn]

Thank you so much all of you you've all said things that make sense and that I kind of know but someone else saying it always helps. I guess I do have to leave it down to 'what will be will be' and not make any effort (which im not doing). And if it doesnt happen then by then I hopefully wont care or someone else would have come along anyway.

 

Maybe its just that im not ready to date yet, in time I will be or if someone I got on really well with and felt the spark then maybe too. But youre right....being comfortable isnt enough and really I think that is exactly what im missing the comfortable/familiarity of my past relationship.

 

Yes its only been 6 weeks since I last saw him but Its been 3 months since I last actually met up with him/saw him because we arranged...for some reason that kind of made it feel different. But it has been 7 months since the split...eek, it feels a long time, but someone on here told me that it isnt 7 months, it is in fact only 6 weeks because everytime you see an ex it puts the getting over him count to zero again...good way of looking at it I thnik! xxx

[reimeivn]

Dear,

 

Tell you what, I know this ONLY one person who got back with her ex and eventually married him.

 

He left her because the same reasons and guess what, he never treated her good at all. Once he decided that, he would always be the one who looks for fun and all that. He did not leave her again, sure, he would never find anybody else that PUT UP WITH HIS CRAP like she did.

 

She is not happy. After 20 years, she is not.

 

I hate to tell you this but he is not the one. The one would feel whole and enough just to be with you. The one would make you question nothing at all. Never feel hurt at all. Confused, no. Waiting, no. You have to count all that emotions you are having right now about him. And realize that he is NOT.