I always find it very hard to explain things when speaking

[Ross MwcFan]

Why is that? And is there anything I can do to get better?

 

This is especially frustrating if there is something very important I need to explain, but I cannot word it in the right way to get across what I want to get across. It means that people will sometimes not get the right impression and think things aren't as serious as they are.

 

Even though I find it easier to explain things if I write them down I can still struggle, heck I've even struggled with writing some of this post.

[Pyro]

it is more common than you think. A lot of people have the same problem.

 

If you have the time write things down on paper (or mental notes in your mind) and go over your notes as much as you can and it will be easier to get out in the open what is on your mind.

 

Makes a world of a difference.

[TouchedByViolet]

I can relate, and have the same problem. In elementary school my teacher's thought I might have some learning disorder or other issue. I was taken from class every month to take extra tests to make sure my communication and english skills were developing properly. I always scored well below average.

 

I feel like my lack of communication has hurt my chances with women (among other things). Knowing a little about your history you may feel the same way.

 

I think the two best things you can do to improve your communication is practice and spend time with people who you can learn from. Doing this consistently, and over a long period of time will help you have less moments where you can't think of anything to say or simply can't communicate what you want effectively. Keep your goals realistic and look for small improvements each day.

[betterdeal]

Practise, practise, practise!

 

Get your muscles working well. Yoga, pilates, singing lessons, will all teach you about better breathing. Having a good lungful of air, and knowing how to use it, will help you speak with more confidence.

 

Pick up some "placeholders" that will give you time to compose yourself. "Hmm", "Good question", "Let me think", "Ah ha!" with a tilt of the head and a quizzical look, for example. Pulling faces even. These are verbal and non-verbal communication, and it helps other people know what's going on at your end - you're thinking. "One moment", "I'm finding it hard to say this, I hope you bear with me" are more. "Here's where I am at" - there's another. "Well...", with an upturned eyebrow.

 

If it's about feelings, maybe try saying how you feel, what makes you feel that way, and what you'd like to happen.

 

"I like your voice; it's melodic. Fancy a pint sometime?"

"Okay, I'm feeling pressured by your constant phone calls. Please stop."

 

A friend of mine used to teach dating techniques. The one tip he told me was before going in somewhere, like a club, was to make a loud animal noise - the most realistic lion roar or bear growl, for instance, that you can. Get your animal out. It's a sort of wake up call, it gets you pumping.

 

Or start by practising in the mirror. Be the Fonz. Get used to speaking your mind by, well, speaking your mind to yourself, out loud, every morning, in the bathroom. Sing in the shower. Hum on your way to work. Listen to people you see and think are quite dapper and they'll be whistling, humming, nodding, winking, pulling faces, being expressive.

 

And all that practice during less anxious moments will put you in good stead to be more expressive in the more difficult moments. And if things are too difficult for you, say you need a moment, and take it. Turn around, take a deep breath, and find yoru focus. It's almost certainly not a life and death situation, so your fear is probably overstated. What's the worst that can happen? Some chump punches you? Some clown laughs at you? Their bad manners is their problem, not yours.

 

Just practise, practise, practise. Explore your own voice and non-verbal expressions and add a new one every fortnight.

[thehead]

Know exactly what you're talking about.

I'll sometimes revise emails over and over trying to get out my meaning.

In conversations, it's afterward I'll think of what I meant to say/ask.

 

I just hang with it.

For writing, jot down notes. Make rough drafts. Revise them later to make them better--and exactly what you mean.

 

If you're preparing for an interview or something...

Anticipate what questions might be asked...or what the conversation might be...and write out the answers beforehand to have your thoughts gathered.

 

Why you're like this could be one of a few things.

If it's always been this way, you could just be a Kinestetic or Visual/Spatial type learner.

Look up Types of Learning Styles. You're a gamer so you're probably Visual/Spatial. Especially if you can do puzzles and fix things.

 

If it's recent...

Are you on medication? That can affect thought process. It can also cause "word finding" problems.

 

Are you under stress? Are you depressed? Are you anxious? All three scramble thoughts.

 

Don't be self-conscious about it.

Not everyone is highly verbal or thinks less of you.

Work with it.

Instead of responding immediately, tell them "Let me think about that for a minute." "Or, let me gather some thoughts and get back to you."

 

Don't think it works against you.

Quiet people can come across as highly intelligent, thoughtful people.

 

Ex.

Recently in a meeting, I was feeling crappy because everyone was tossing ideas out left and right while I sat quietly.

Afterward, my boss visited my office and sat down.

I thought "Oh s---."

"Head," she said. "I want your thoughts on blah blah blah...you strike me as the thoughtful type...you seem to take your time to contemplate things. I like that."

 

Sweet.

[Ross MwcFan]

Practise, practise, practise!

 

Get your muscles working well. Yoga, pilates, singing lessons, will all teach you about better breathing. Having a good lungful of air, and knowing how to use it, will help you speak with more confidence.

 

Pick up some "placeholders" that will give you time to compose yourself. "Hmm", "Good question", "Let me think", "Ah ha!" with a tilt of the head and a quizzical look, for example. Pulling faces even. These are verbal and non-verbal communication, and it helps other people know what's going on at your end - you're thinking. "One moment", "I'm finding it hard to say this, I hope you bear with me" are more. "Here's where I am at" - there's another. "Well...", with an upturned eyebrow.

 

If it's about feelings, maybe try saying how you feel, what makes you feel that way, and what you'd like to happen.

 

"I like your voice; it's melodic. Fancy a pint sometime?"

"Okay, I'm feeling pressured by your constant phone calls. Please stop."

 

A friend of mine used to teach dating techniques. The one tip he told me was before going in somewhere, like a club, was to make a loud animal noise - the most realistic lion roar or bear growl, for instance, that you can. Get your animal out. It's a sort of wake up call, it gets you pumping.

 

Or start by practising in the mirror. Be the Fonz. Get used to speaking your mind by, well, speaking your mind to yourself, out loud, every morning, in the bathroom. Sing in the shower. Hum on your way to work. Listen to people you see and think are quite dapper and they'll be whistling, humming, nodding, winking, pulling faces, being expressive.

 

And all that practice during less anxious moments will put you in good stead to be more expressive in the more difficult moments. And if things are too difficult for you, say you need a moment, and take it. Turn around, take a deep breath, and find yoru focus. It's almost certainly not a life and death situation, so your fear is probably overstated. What's the worst that can happen? Some chump punches you? Some clown laughs at you? Their bad manners is their problem, not yours.

 

Just practise, practise, practise. Explore your own voice and non-verbal expressions and add a new one every fortnight.

 

Yup, you're right, it's all about practice. I seem to actually be a lot worse at explaining things these days, because I've not socialised that much for a long time.

 

When I used to socialise often, although I still found explaining things to be quite hard sometimes, it wasn't as hard as it is now.

 

I just need to train those thinking muscles, and a good way to do it, would be to socialise more, which I'd like to do anyway.

[Ross MwcFan]

Know exactly what you're talking about.

I'll sometimes revise emails over and over trying to get out my meaning.

In conversations, it's afterward I'll think of what I meant to say/ask.

 

I just hang with it.

For writing, jot down notes. Make rough drafts. Revise them later to make them better--and exactly what you mean.

 

If you're preparing for an interview or something...

Anticipate what questions might be asked...or what the conversation might be...and write out the answers beforehand to have your thoughts gathered.

 

Why you're like this could be one of a few things.

If it's always been this way, you could just be a Kinestetic or Visual/Spatial type learner.

Look up Types of Learning Styles. You're a gamer so you're probably Visual/Spatial. Especially if you can do puzzles and fix things.

 

If it's recent...

Are you on medication? That can affect thought process. It can also cause "word finding" problems.

 

Are you under stress? Are you depressed? Are you anxious? All three scramble thoughts.

 

Don't be self-conscious about it.

Not everyone is highly verbal or thinks less of you.

Work with it.

Instead of responding immediately, tell them "Let me think about that for a minute." "Or, let me gather some thoughts and get back to you."

 

Don't think it works against you.

Quiet people can come across as highly intelligent, thoughtful people.

 

Ex.

Recently in a meeting, I was feeling crappy because everyone was tossing ideas out left and right while I sat quietly.

Afterward, my boss visited my office and sat down.

I thought "Oh s---."

"Head," she said. "I want your thoughts on blah blah blah...you strike me as the thoughtful type...you seem to take your time to contemplate things. I like that."

 

Sweet.

 

Ah okay, I take it you must have seen my Youtube channel from that topic I made. Since you know I enjoy video games and Rubik's type puzzles.

 

Yes, I'm on medication, it's for anxiety and depression. Since they don't seem to be helping that well, I still suffer from anxiety and depression.

[TheLawmaker]

I used to have trouble with this. However, I've recognized it's been because of my social anxiety (I would freeze up), and not a lack of intelligence.

 

I've gotten better at explaining myself since I've been more social. The meds I've been put on have also helped.

 

My advice is, put yourself in as many uncomfortable situations as humanly possible. Once you realize it's not the end of the world if you fail, or if someone makes fun of you, you won't fear it. So you'll have a cushion in case you DO fail (and you probably won't, which will mean a great conversation.)

 

Social skills come with experience, and failure. You can't possibly become a great conversationalist without embarrassing yourself a few times.

[thehead]

I used to have trouble with this. However, I've recognized it's been because of my social anxiety (I would freeze up), and not a lack of intelligence.

 

I've gotten better at explaining myself since I've been more social. The meds I've been put on have also helped.

 

My advice is, put yourself in as many uncomfortable situations as humanly possible. Once you realize it's not the end of the world if you fail, or if someone makes fun of you, you won't fear it. So you'll have a cushion in case you DO fail (and you probably won't, which will mean a great conversation.)

 

Social skills come with experience, and failure. You can't possibly become a great conversationalist without embarrassing yourself a few times.

 

Regarding embarrassment and SA:

 

I saw my therapist recently.

 

She'd returned from a Social Anxiety workshop.

She shared a couple of nuggets of wisdom with me, one of which is applicable here.

 

She said "You know...it's not about removing the mistakes we make.

It's about removing the SHAME we feel about those mistakes."

 

So true.

We ARE going to make mistakes, it's simply how we respond to them that matters.

Stop being ashamed.

Edited June 4, 2011 by thehead

[Art_Critic]

You know what Ross.. I have always had the same problem.

 

I think I lost every single disagreement I ever had with my Brother because of that..

I could never articulate my points well enough to make decent points and he could always nail his..

Even when I was in the right I would lose...

 

It gets better.. I learned to keep trying..

Writing on LS helps too..

Trying to keep up a decent debate is tough, and many times I can't keep up and just retreat from the debate because I can't articulate my thoughts thru my fingers good enough many times...

 

Keep trying and push yourself.. even if you have some times where you look a little silly.. who cares..

You get better at things like this by doing them over and over...

[Star Gazer]

Join Toastmasters. It's not just for public speaking/speeches - it'll work wonders.

[Ross MwcFan]

Regarding embarrassment and SA:

 

I saw my therapist recently.

 

She'd returned from a Social Anxiety workshop.

She shared a couple of nuggets of wisdom with me, one of which is applicable here.

 

She said "You know...it's not about removing the mistakes we make.

It's about removing the SHAME we feel about those mistakes."

 

So true.

We ARE going to make mistakes, it's simply how we respond to them that matters.

Stop being ashamed.

 

That's true. And the more you do something, the less mistakes you're going to make.

 

If only I knew how to stop feeling shame/embarrasment though.

[Ross MwcFan]

You know what Ross.. I have always had the same problem.

 

I think I lost every single disagreement I ever had with my Brother because of that..

I could never articulate my points well enough to make decent points and he could always nail his..

Even when I was in the right I would lose...

 

It gets better.. I learned to keep trying..

Writing on LS helps too..

Trying to keep up a decent debate is tough, and many times I can't keep up and just retreat from the debate because I can't articulate my thoughts thru my fingers good enough many times...

 

Keep trying and push yourself.. even if you have some times where you look a little silly.. who cares..

You get better at things like this by doing them over and over...

 

Exactly, it's really frustrating if I'm in an argument, and I don't know how to express myself properly, which means I end up losing the argument. Even if I know they're totally wrong.

[jsb58]

Ah okay, I take it you must have seen my Youtube channel from that topic I made. Since you know I enjoy video games and Rubik's type puzzles.

 

Yes, I'm on medication, it's for anxiety and depression. Since they don't seem to be helping that well, I still suffer from anxiety and depression.

do some research on social anxiety disorder

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm not sure if I'd find anything out that I don't know already.

[betterdeal]

Can you describe a recent example for me, please?

[PelicanPete]

I think its just more of a matter of being completely present in the moment and entirely focused on the points you're trying to address.

 

Ive always been a quiet person. I have a strong speaking voice, but I have trouble speaking loudly. I never raise my voice because I never have to do that to get my point across. Many people often perceive being quiet as a weakness, they think you're shy and lack confidence and can't properly express yourself. Sometimes that is the case. if I start focusing on the people rather than the topic I'm trying to explain, it's a way higher chance of me fumbling through my explanation.

 

I have no problems with presentations or speeches. I give a lot in my psych courses, and most of the time I don't even write down what I'm going to say. I don't fumble through at all and I explain my points better than I could even imagine. This is because I don't focus on the person I'm talking to, I focus on what I'm talking about. All of my attention body/mind/spirit is focused on what I'm trying to explain, so everything I say is meaningful, powerful, and clear.

 

Most of the time I treat things casually. Sitting in class if I'm called out at random I often stumble through because I'm not focused. I often daydream and listen at the same time, and when called at random I tend to focus on the people staring at me rather then the question . LS is another example. I often stumble through trying to get my point across and end up editing and taking awhile because I'm not focused entirely on the topic. I'm doing online banking, checking emails, listening to music, real life stuff interferes, etc.

 

In arguments, I never win if I'm focused in trying to prove someone wrong. Focus on your knowledge of the subject rather then who you're arguing with, and you'll win no problem.

[Ross MwcFan]

Can you describe a recent example for me, please?

 

Of trying to explain something to someone? I can't really remember.

 

I also stumble over my words sometimes too and get tongue tied. So frustrating as all of this can make me feel self concious.