Girlfriends past is almost too much to deal with

[hydroplant]

I'm 24, my girlfriend is 22. We've been dating for about 3 months, and I knew she got around a lot before she was with me. Normally I would not want a girl like that but she is just so honest and charming that I can't help but love her. Anyway her past is really bothering me. I hear her talking with her friends about how she had sex with guys at concerts she never met before, and how she had sex with 2 guys at once, and now last night when I was drunk I asked how many people she had been with and she told me somewhere around 30 or 40 guys, plus however many girls. I hate how this bothers me so much, I want to call her a whore but I know that is just a messed up way to be thinking. I can't get it out of my head though. I'm sooo in love with her I can't break up with her. We have good sex but I'm insecure about the fact that she's obviously had better. I just wish someone could give me some advice on how to deal with this because we're crazy about each other and this is tearing me apart.

[Mimolicious]

I'm 24, my girlfriend is 22. We've been dating for about 3 months, and I knew she got around a lot before she was with me. Normally I would not want a girl like that but she is just so honest and charming that I can't help but love her. Anyway her past is really bothering me. I hear her talking with her friends about how she had sex with guys at concerts she never met before, and how she had sex with 2 guys at once, and now last night when I was drunk I asked how many people she had been with and she told me somewhere around 30 or 40 guys, plus however many girls. I hate how this bothers me so much, I want to call her a whore but I know that is just a messed up way to be thinking. I can't get it out of my head though. I'm sooo in love with her I can't break up with her. We have good sex but I'm insecure about the fact that she's obviously had better. I just wish someone could give me some advice on how to deal with this because we're crazy about each other and this is tearing me apart.

 

 

So if this is tearing you apart, why are you still dealing with her? I know you "love" her and have "amazing" action with her but how long do you think that is going to gel your R together for?

 

For a 22, that is a whole lotta bonin'! I mean, let's say she started at 16 (doubt it) that is an average of 6 people a year. Um... There are adults that don't even go through a handful. Sorry but your chick sounds like she feels "validated" by being the hood's bike. She probably has huge insecurity issues and mental ones too. I mean, she is not even sure of where her sexuality lands if she is sleeping with both genders. (No offense to my bi-friends ).

 

Ask yourself- is this the person you want to be the mother to your children? I know you are young and all but you are investing your prime youth with this skank.

[Chi townD]

Dude, either your girl has self esteem issues or she a sex addict and the combo of the two spells disaster for the two of you. If she used to having so many different partners I think she might have a hard time being monogamous relationship. I might be wrong, but if I were you, I would tread lightly.

[John Michael Kane]

I'm 24, my girlfriend is 22. We've been dating for about 3 months, and I knew she got around a lot before she was with me. Normally I would not want a girl like that but she is just so honest and charming that I can't help but love her. Anyway her past is really bothering me. I hear her talking with her friends about how she had sex with guys at concerts she never met before, and how she had sex with 2 guys at once, and now last night when I was drunk I asked how many people she had been with and she told me somewhere around 30 or 40 guys, plus however many girls. I hate how this bothers me so much, I want to call her a whore but I know that is just a messed up way to be thinking. I can't get it out of my head though. I'm sooo in love with her I can't break up with her. We have good sex but I'm insecure about the fact that she's obviously had better. I just wish someone could give me some advice on how to deal with this because we're crazy about each other and this is tearing me apart.

 

I second Mimo's post. You don't need someone like that. Those who are very promiscuous have a lot of mental issues. And just because she laid down with 40 to 80,000 guys laying on her back most of the time, doesn't mean she's such an expert.

 

Your situation is a perfect example of a "reformed sl*t". She wants to hold hands with you but got gang-banged by a whole group of men before she got with you.

 

Blown out vagina is no good. Everyone had a "piece of the pie". Took all the cookies out the cookie jar.

 

Dump her.

[Bryanp]

At 22 she has had sex with 30 to 40 guys and lots of strangers? I think you would be out of your mind to have sex with her. The chances that she could be carrying some latent STD's would be very high. She sounds like a sex addict at the very least which is very bad news. My guess is that this will end badly for you.

[rafallus]

For a 22, that is a whole lotta bonin'! I mean, let's say she started at 16 (doubt it) that is an average of 6 people a year. Um... There are adults that don't even go through a handful.

6 people a year, or one every 2 months. If they were ONS, that's hardly spectacular.

 

I haven't found a way around it other than getting some (not necessarily as much) experience yourself. It made me care less about that crap.

 

But she's free of STDs, right?

[Memphis Raines]

I'm 24, my girlfriend is 22. We've been dating for about 3 months, and I knew she got around a lot before she was with me. Normally I would not want a girl like that but she is just so honest and charming that I can't help but love her. Anyway her past is really bothering me. I hear her talking with her friends about how she had sex with guys at concerts she never met before, and how she had sex with 2 guys at once

 

its not her actual past I'd be concerned with. (although I wouldn't feel good about being with a woman that had a 3some before.)

 

its her need to reminisce about her sex partners, and talk it up with her friends.

 

big red flag.

 

the past is in the past and clearly she can't let go of it. Sure the memories will be there, but leave them as just that, memories. Not fond topics to be discussed amongst the girls or anyone else.

 

so if she can't let go of it and stop talking about it, why should you let it go?

 

 

and now last night when I was drunk I asked how many people she had been with and she told me somewhere around 30 or 40 guys, plus however many girls.

 

ok, maybe her actual past is something to be concerned about afterall. OUCH.

 

 

I hate how this bothers me so much, I want to call her a whore but I know that is just a messed up way to be thinking.

 

if you want to call her a whore, then she isn't the one for you. No good can come by staying with her.

 

move on to someone you don't think is a whore.

 

 

I can't get it out of my head though. I'm sooo in love with her I can't break up with her.

 

you are confusing love with lust. dont let your little head do the thinking for the big one.

 

 

We have good sex

 

and I'm afraid thats all this relationship is about with you. sex and probably how "hot" she is. right?

[reservoirdog1]

The number itself isn't relevant, and frankly it says nothing about her. Lots of guys would be pretty proud of themselves if they slept with 40 girls during, say, a 3-4 year period.

 

I do agree that the circumstances are what's important. It sounds like she attaches a lot of validation to whether or not guys want to have sex with her, based on the details you know of her actvities and the fact that she still talks about it to her friends. And that's a trait that doesn't tend to jibe terribly well with monogamy or fidelity.

 

Note, however, that she made choices about HER LIFE, before she met you. She doesn't owe you an explanation or an apology for her past choices. And you're not entitled to judge her over her past. You need to assess the risks, decide whether or not you can accept her past, and let those be the basis as to whether or not you continue in the relationship.

[shadowofman]

I'd totally call her a whore. Then I'd smack that booty and ask her to bring me a home a cream pie as a special treat.

[hydroplant]

I would be more worried as to WHY she slept with so many people. Did she do it because she's addicted to new sex? Did she do it because she was drunk? Did she do it because she really wanted a relationships and that's her way of hitting on guys?

 

So that's my question. Why do you think she's slept with so many men?

 

She goes out a lot and gets really drunk with her friends I think she's a bit of an alcoholic, which is how she met and hooked up with guys, She never wanted a relationship - she told me for the first couple months that she would stick to me (be monogamous) but didn't want anything serious. She just ended up falling for me. I guess I'm her first real boyfriend since she was 18. She has a daughter with a guy who lives in Germany (where she's from) and he was the last and only love she had. She claims to have never cheated and I actually believe her. She doesn't really bring up the stories about slutty stuff she did in the past but her slutty friend does. Her friends all tell me they've never seen her feel so serious about anybody else. She's very open and honest but I can tell it's hard for her to be monogamous.

[Bryanp]

This is what you have just written in last post: "I can tell it is hard for her to be monogamous". I think this statement says it all. What happens when there is stress in the relationship down the line like in every relationship? Why in the world would any man wish to be with a woman who is only 22 and had sex with up to 40 men and feels it is hard for her to be monogamous? You would really have to be a bit masochistic to remain in this relationship.

[John Michael Kane]

I'd totally call her a whore. Then I'd smack that booty and ask her to bring me a home a cream pie as a special treat.

 

That's so disgusting. So you actually like being a cuckold? You'd want your "girl" to bring home sloppy seconds? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!

[Darren Steez]

Hilarious! So this girl is totally charming and amazing and you "love" her so much, nut you find out she slept with people and you want to call her a whore?

This is just an ego thing because you're a guy and you're afraid she's had some big guy who's made her do all kinds of things.

Stop being a guy and be a man, she's with you and she's been honest with you, and she hasn't cheated on you. It's obvious you act all cool and nonplussed so she's comfortable enough to open up then when she tells you you're raging inside but dont let on. If it bothers you so much talk to her but I cant really see what you would gain, what's in the past is in the past, she's with you now.

[rafallus]

Hilarious! So this girl is totally charming and amazing and you "love" her so much, nut you find out she slept with people and you want to call her a whore?

Isn't it funny? They flip around like a pancake, being no less emotional than the girls. That makes quotation marks around the L-word pretty valid concern IMO.

 

This is just an ego thing because you're a guy and you're afraid she's had some big guy who's made her do all kinds of things.

Stop being a guy and be a man, she's with you and she's been honest with you, and she hasn't cheated on you. It's obvious you act all cool and nonplussed so she's comfortable enough to open up then when she tells you you're raging inside but dont let on. If it bothers you so much talk to her but I cant really see what you would gain, what's in the past is in the past, she's with you now.

Totally this.

 

Your best bet is just make her do even better things and one-up all those past guys combined.

Edited June 4, 2011 by rafallus

[betterdeal]

Hearing about her past is what upset you. Deal with that. How about saying something like this:

 

"I want us to be honest with each other, and this is me being honest with you. I like you a lot, and find your openness and honesty very attractive. You're a lovely woman. Just that this subject does upset me, and I'd like to see if we can find a way to deal with it that makes us both happy.

 

I'm upset to hear you talking about your past. It's okay to discuss things that are on your mind, but I'd rather you didn't do that in public or in my social circle - and that includes anyone who knows me, such as your pals. Maybe with a therapist or someone else you can trust, and who won't let that information get to me, for example."

Edited June 4, 2011 by betterdeal

[shadowofman]

That's so disgusting. So you actually like being a cuckold? You'd want your "girl" to bring home sloppy seconds? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!

 

Haha. I also bring home a penis covered in another woman's vaginal juices and have my partners go down on me. Such is life when you are intimate with multiple people.

[OldOnTheInside]

That's exactly why OP is so worried--if she has sex with OP, it's a good bet she'll have sex with anyone. Her past track record just confirms what OP already knew.

 

Exactly.

 

If she remains faithful and the relationship gets a happy ending then...yay.

 

But if she does cheat on you, well, you can't say that you are 100% surprised. I mean, all of her past and present actions have consequences.

[giuliano-3]

Disagree with the people who say her past is no big deal. I dated a similar type for over a year and ignored all the crap she did in the past. It made me cringe to hear about some of it but I thought "oh well, she's with me now and I love her."

 

Red flags are called red flags for a reason. They're brightly colored and stand out so they're easily seen. We choose to ignore red flags because we think with our little head way too often. Or if you're like me maybe its because of what a hopeless romantic you are. Either way, you're f'ed.

 

Oh, she went on a trip to visit with her mom/family overseas for a week and never came back. Found out later on that she was f'ing a guy from day #4 away from me. On day #5 she wrote me saying how much she loved me and wished I was there. Then I heard nothing for 3 months. We lived together, all her belongings were at my apt. That is called getting played.

 

Maybe your situation is different, I truly hope it is. One question - ever have dreams about her disappearing with another man?

[John Michael Kane]

Haha. I also bring home a penis covered in another woman's vaginal juices and have my partners go down on me. Such is life when you are intimate with multiple people.

 

Nah that's not living life. That's asking for a painful death, dude.

[John Michael Kane]

Disagree with the people who say her past is no big deal. I dated a similar type for over a year and ignored all the crap she did in the past. It made me cringe to hear about some of it but I thought "oh well, she's with me now and I love her."

 

Red flags are called red flags for a reason. They're brightly colored and stand out so they're easily seen. We choose to ignore red flags because we think with our little head way too often. Or if you're like me maybe its because of what a hopeless romantic you are. Either way, you're f'ed.

 

Oh, she went on a trip to visit with her mom/family overseas for a week and never came back. Found out later on that she was f'ing a guy from day #4 away from me. On day #5 she wrote me saying how much she loved me and wished I was there. Then I heard nothing for 3 months. We lived together, all her belongings were at my apt. That is called getting played.

 

Maybe your situation is different, I truly hope it is. One question - ever have dreams about her disappearing with another man?

 

Those people who called OP insecure are ignorant, and have their own issues. I totally agree about the red flags. They're definitely there for a reason and are dangerous when ignored. Promiscuous women have very deep psychological issues and are emotionally unstable, most likely going back to their childhood.

[seibert253]

Dude, either your girl has self esteem issues or she a sex addict and the combo of the two spells disaster for the two of you. If she used to having so many different partners I think she might have a hard time being monogamous relationship. I might be wrong, but if I were you, I would tread lightly.

 

Chi town's hit the nail on the head.

With her issues, I will bet the farm that if you stay in this relationship long enough, she will cheat on you.

 

Run Forest, Run.

[betterdeal]

Not necessarily all that attractive--just willing to have sex with the OP.

 

Which, obviously, is not a big deal since she's willing to have sex with anyone, anytime.

 

That's exactly why OP is so worried--if she has sex with OP, it's a good bet she'll have sex with anyone. Her past track record just confirms what OP already knew.

 

Ha ha! That reminds me of me thinking, about myself, "who'd want to go out with a fat smelly drunk?"

 

I found out.

[whammy]

i personally dont think its a big deal. Honestly, not to bash women, but finding a nice girl, these day, that hasnt been gang banged by a basketball team is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack, girls are sluts now, so just deal with it...it was before she met you. but the fact that you have to still deal with it... like the fact that it has been brought up many times. any other girl would be going out of her way to make sure her new BF DOESNT hear this kind of stuff. its not that she has a past, its that its keeps getting thrown in your face that is very disrespect and you should inform of that and put your foot down.

[shadowofman]

And I'm also sure you bring home an anus covered in man juices too.

 

How did you know?

[John Michael Kane]

i personally dont think its a big deal. Honestly, not to bash women, but finding a nice girl, these day, that hasnt been gang banged by a basketball team is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack, girls are sluts now, so just deal with it...it was before she met you. but the fact that you have to still deal with it... like the fact that it has been brought up many times. any other girl would be going out of her way to make sure her new BF DOESNT hear this kind of stuff. its not that she has a past, its that its keeps getting thrown in your face that is very disrespect and you should inform of that and put your foot down.

 

Nope sorry I will continue to find an almost pure woman. I won't settle for disrespectful tramps.