Not all my fault??

[gerib38]

Seems like i am realizing more and more , that i am NOT the only one at fault for the end of my relationship, i will breifly tell u my story, I met a guy about 16 months ago he was seaperated from his wife, we connected right away/not sex ... at least for a few weeks after we met, we had this incredible connection, we fell for each other fast , and he was soon talking mariage, telling me he was in love with me why hadnt he met me before he married her, constantly calling , texting seeing each other as often as possible, we still had to be a bit careful because he was NOT divorced yet,

 

a few months into the relationship he called me one fri night and told me she moved back in one day while he was at work, i asked him if he wanted his marriage to work.. he said NO he wanted her to leave , wanted his life back and he loved me.

 

it was hard but i made the decision to keep seeing him, was attached and believed his story.

 

the relationship continued and we became closer but i was increasingly getting more and more insecure after all his wife was in the house and it is surley not what i thought was going to happen.

 

he consistently professed his love to me, and asked me to please be patient while he got thru all this mess

 

i tried and let me tell u it was hard, its not like he ever said .. he loved her or wanted it to work , never not once!

 

but it got to a point that it was getting harder and harder for him to c me , call or text me saying it was not easy in this situation, not wanting to get caught in an affair

 

they had only been married aby 3 yrs no children , but he wanted to keep his house, he owned for abt 15 yrs before he met her,

 

she has a disability that kept them from being intimate which caused them to grow apart

 

i became impatient with less communication and less calls and seeing him less, thing is he would go quiet for days sometimes, i wld txt him with no reply then again an hr later no reply.. and again and again all with no reply... then id get mad and blow his phone up with texts(yes stupid i regret it ) ... he says i changed i wasnt the sweet loving down to earth woman he met, i was in love and i got paniky thinking i was losing him .. u know the drill

 

he broke up with me in oct of 2010 ... wouldnt even respond to me at alll if i txted him.. which i did alot, finally abt 5-6 weeks later he called me , didnt leave a msg, so the nxt day i sent a txt saying sorry i missed yur call whats up (it was thanksgiving day.. all he said was HAPPY THANKSGIVING,

 

then a week later he said he missed me but sometimes i went to far/with the txting.. we talked breifly and abt a week later started seeing each other again, it was a bit strained at first becuz i was still feeling insecure and wished i had just let him come back on his own instead of pressuring him to... so i guess i wasnt entirely sure if he was with me cuz he wanted to be /which he assured me he was or if it was cuz i wouldnt leave him alone,

 

so soon after we became close , he told me again he was in love with me , that i gave him more in 1 day than she ever did , and we again started talking marriage blah blah ...

 

we were dong great , then all of a sudden he pulled away again, started the not txting , not calling 2-3 weeks would go by and i wldnt c him, so of course i got insecure again, but damn i tried so hard when we were together to make this work, maybe too desperately.

 

i guess the point im making is... he says i changed... but i didnt change til he changed , he went from attentive and caring loving showering me with attention, asking me to wait 4 him be patient to ignoring me , it pissed me off, maybe i expressed it in all the wrong ways ,

 

i keep thinking its my fault , yes i accecpt part of the blame, but seems like he didnt care enuf to help me thru an already tough situation

 

do i just let it go or do i tell him im not taking the blame anymore... because of course u all know how we automatically take the blame when we get dumped.i am not even sure how to word it i want toosay it in a non confrontational way tell him i loved him and im sorry for my part in it but he needs to accept his part in it as well . i know it was not the ideal situation to be in and i think even though i believed him .. there was alwasy that doubt in the back of my mind, his excuse when he ignored me was .. i get that at home not gonna argue with u too...

 

So he again dumped me on Apr 30th of 2011 just saying please let go im sorry this has to be goodbye, no explanation or anything and i have not talked to him since i have sent a cpl texts last one being abt 3 weeks ago,

 

i just want to tell him , that i am no the only one to blame. im sure he knkws he could have done better or did he think he was doing his best?

 

if he had helped me thru thil we were able to have a normal relationship i think it could have worked , why didnt he help me , he used to always tell me i had to figure it all out by myself or that id figure it out 1 day,

 

Now i just feel like he thinks i was the crazy chick, and im so not.. somehow i need closure i want him to know he was to blame as well as me and i feel the need to express it ... should i do i jst forget abt it ,will i regret it ... BLEH! I still love him very much , its jst heart breaking to have such a connection and it go all wrong

 

i know this is long and i couldnt get into all of it ord id be writing all day so feel free to ask questions

 

thanks for reading and your thoughts:rolleyes:

 

SORRY I POSTED THIS SOMEWHERE ELSE ASWELL ACTUALLY DIDNT MEAN TO SORRY!!!!

[Mimolicious]

Seems like i am realizing more and more , that i am NOT the only one at fault for the end of my relationship, i will breifly tell u my story, I met a guy about 16 months ago he was seaperated from his wife, we connected right away/not sex ... at least for a few weeks after we met, we had this incredible connection, we fell for each other fast , and he was soon talking mariage, telling me he was in love with me why hadnt he met me before he married her, constantly calling , texting seeing each other as often as possible, we still had to be a bit careful because he was NOT divorced yet,

 

a few months into the relationship he called me one fri night and told me she moved back in one day while he was at work, i asked him if he wanted his marriage to work.. he said NO he wanted her to leave , wanted his life back and he loved me.

 

it was hard but i made the decision to keep seeing him, was attached and believed his story.

 

the relationship continued and we became closer but i was increasingly getting more and more insecure after all his wife was in the house and it is surley not what i thought was going to happen.

 

he consistently professed his love to me, and asked me to please be patient while he got thru all this mess

 

i tried and let me tell u it was hard, its not like he ever said .. he loved her or wanted it to work , never not once!

 

but it got to a point that it was getting harder and harder for him to c me , call or text me saying it was not easy in this situation, not wanting to get caught in an affair

 

they had only been married aby 3 yrs no children , but he wanted to keep his house, he owned for abt 15 yrs before he met her,

 

she has a disability that kept them from being intimate which caused them to grow apart

 

i became impatient with less communication and less calls and seeing him less, thing is he would go quiet for days sometimes, i wld txt him with no reply then again an hr later no reply.. and again and again all with no reply... then id get mad and blow his phone up with texts(yes stupid i regret it ) ... he says i changed i wasnt the sweet loving down to earth woman he met, i was in love and i got paniky thinking i was losing him .. u know the drill

 

he broke up with me in oct of 2010 ... wouldnt even respond to me at alll if i txted him.. which i did alot, finally abt 5-6 weeks later he called me , didnt leave a msg, so the nxt day i sent a txt saying sorry i missed yur call whats up (it was thanksgiving day.. all he said was HAPPY THANKSGIVING,

 

then a week later he said he missed me but sometimes i went to far/with the txting.. we talked breifly and abt a week later started seeing each other again, it was a bit strained at first becuz i was still feeling insecure and wished i had just let him come back on his own instead of pressuring him to... so i guess i wasnt entirely sure if he was with me cuz he wanted to be /which he assured me he was or if it was cuz i wouldnt leave him alone,

 

so soon after we became close , he told me again he was in love with me , that i gave him more in 1 day than she ever did , and we again started talking marriage blah blah ...

 

we were dong great , then all of a sudden he pulled away again, started the not txting , not calling 2-3 weeks would go by and i wldnt c him, so of course i got insecure again, but damn i tried so hard when we were together to make this work, maybe too desperately.

 

i guess the point im making is... he says i changed... but i didnt change til he changed , he went from attentive and caring loving showering me with attention, asking me to wait 4 him be patient to ignoring me , it pissed me off, maybe i expressed it in all the wrong ways ,

 

i keep thinking its my fault , yes i accecpt part of the blame, but seems like he didnt care enuf to help me thru an already tough situation

 

do i just let it go or do i tell him im not taking the blame anymore... because of course u all know how we automatically take the blame when we get dumped.i am not even sure how to word it i want toosay it in a non confrontational way tell him i loved him and im sorry for my part in it but he needs to accept his part in it as well . i know it was not the ideal situation to be in and i think even though i believed him .. there was alwasy that doubt in the back of my mind, his excuse when he ignored me was .. i get that at home not gonna argue with u too...

 

So he again dumped me on Apr 30th of 2011 just saying please let go im sorry this has to be goodbye, no explanation or anything and i have not talked to him since i have sent a cpl texts last one being abt 3 weeks ago,

 

i just want to tell him , that i am no the only one to blame. im sure he knkws he could have done better or did he think he was doing his best?

 

if he had helped me thru thil we were able to have a normal relationship i think it could have worked , why didnt he help me , he used to always tell me i had to figure it all out by myself or that id figure it out 1 day,

 

Now i just feel like he thinks i was the crazy chick, and im so not.. somehow i need closure i want him to know he was to blame as well as me and i feel the need to express it ... should i do i jst forget abt it ,will i regret it ... BLEH! I still love him very much , its jst heart breaking to have such a connection and it go all wrong

 

i know this is long and i couldnt get into all of it ord id be writing all day so feel free to ask questions

 

thanks for reading and your thoughts:rolleyes:

 

SORRY I POSTED THIS SOMEWHERE ELSE ASWELL ACTUALLY DIDNT MEAN TO SORRY!!!!

 

 

The bolded- And you didn't? Let me help you... He is MARRIED. That's what he was probably implying by saying that "one day you will figure it out on your own". I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you were building castles in the sand and I know he lead you on. How was he supposed to help you through having a normal R? He is still M, did he deal with that R to move to the next? I guess you were expecting more than what this guy can really offer. His W should be told what kind of POS she is M to. She probably found out and this is why he dumped you.

 

[whichwayisup]

You chose to keep believing a man who said his marriage was over, yet his wife moved back in and is STILL there..And, he kept telling you he didn't want to her to be there, but she was STILL there. You two broke up, then got back together again, he's pulling the same crap, and you're believing him in some sorts.

 

End it and walk away. He will never be yours because he is NOT done with his marriage. He's lying to you and is selfish, only wanting you in his life as the OW..Yet he'll give you just enough hope to hang on and wait for him, stay the OW, all the meanwhile he has no intention of divorcing..

 

RIGHT NOW you have a choice to make. Believe him, and more lies he'll feed you or listen to your GUT and HEAD. Not heart or emotions.

[gerib38]

well i guess what i meant by help me is if he was asking me to wait then give me a reason to.. ya know.. of course i had my doubts, as far as the wife and believe me i am not defending him at all... she is just as miserable as he is and only reason i know is i know ppl that know her... its a money issue for them...

 

i never thought id find myself in this situation ever, guess we all like to believe ours is different, when clearly it is not , i have a friend going thru a similar situation told her get out while yur heart can stand it ... but guess we all have to learn the hard way

 

dont think i idndt think she/his wife shld know but it wont b by me , someone will tell her eventually, he announces that we were together to the worls, everyone knew wbt us and not from me

[carhill]

You each had your own responsibility in the dynamic.

 

If and how he accepts his is outside of your control. You have 100% control of yourself.

 

You alluded to some of your responsibilities. Have those responsibilities taught you some lessons? Unknown.

 

Simply put, you became emotionally attached to a married man. BTDT, was an OM, know all about pedestal building.

 

The good news is this painful experience has a silver lining, and, as he put it, you will figure it out on your own. Whatever results is your path. Own it. Take responsibility for your part, accept that you can never know or understand his part, nor expect anything from him, then move forward.

 

Good luck

[gerib38]

as far as expecting more than he could offer ... i wasnt the one saying all the i love you's , wait for me , you are right for me , im in love with you, him beggin me after he told me she moved back in to talk to him and stay with him, ... maybe i should have ended ..NO I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE in fact i did several times, he just got to me ... im normally a much stronger person than this , i have had no problems walking away from a relationship before , but there was nothing normal about it , i guess ultimately i knew it would end in heartbreak ,

 

guess im just wanting to tell him off at this point and i dont know if its worth it

 

or if i just let it go

move on (which i will anyway)

makes me mad that he walked away with his life still in tact and im realizing that maybe it was all a big joke/lie

[carhill]

Sure, write the 'letter' and then don't send it. It will make for interesting reading years later, when you're in a different place. I did exactly that, back before computers and the internet and, indeed, it did.

[whichwayisup]

Say nothing. Let him wonder..

 

Silence can say a lot more than words!

 

Besides, there is no guarantee you talking to him again will give you closure, chances are, you'll come up with more stuff to think about and want to ask some more questions or make comments. He isn't worth it so dry your tears, call a good friend and go out, have fun! Allow yourself some grieving time each day but don't waste your tears on this guy!

[Mimolicious]

well i guess what i meant by help me is if he was asking me to wait then give me a reason to.. ya know.. of course i had my doubts, as far as the wife and believe me i am not defending him at all... she is just as miserable as he is and only reason i know is i know ppl that know her... its a money issue for them...

 

i never thought id find myself in this situation ever, guess we all like to believe ours is different, when clearly it is not , i have a friend going thru a similar situation told her get out while yur heart can stand it ... but guess we all have to learn the hard way

 

dont think i idndt think she/his wife shld know but it wont b by me , someone will tell her eventually, he announces that we were together to the worls, everyone knew wbt us and not from me

 

Hone, really? What makes you think that people who know her/them know what is really going on at home. Are these the same people or "the worlds" that knew of you/him being together? If they are, obviously these are people that you should think twice about believing in. LOL!

 

How nobel! He announces that you guys were together... Then what?

Don't be foolish, you are probably young and beautiful. Find an available man. BTW, he should have not given YOU a reason to wait...

You should have given him YOUR REASON to not wait. One that sounded like this: When the ink is dry on those little divorce papers, holla at me. Until then, GOODBYE!.

[gerib38]

I feel like i am getting better every day, i do feel guilty for my part in this , but he made it so real, i have written many texts and have not sent them unfortunately the one i sent a few weeks ago was me being all heart broken and saying i missed him ..blaming myself,,, guess im wanting to retract that text..lol... not that im not heart broken just want to move ahead .UGH!!! why did i do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!! having a bad day that day i guess...

[gerib38]

I know MIMI i should have done exactly that when he told me she moved back in ... hard lesson ... LEARNED!

[gerib38]

Yes which way u r right , i want answers but i know there is nothing he can say that will make me feel better, or understand how someone can deceive u like that .. first experience as OW will be my last!

[BB07]

If you give the man the benefit of the doubt, he is very confused and his marriage wasn't over. If you don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt than he played you like a fiddle, manipulated and used you. Either way the result is the same and he is an asshat to you and his wife. I suspect d days are the reasons for his disappearing acts or he didn't know what he wanted and being the cynical person I am about "separated" cough, cough men, I wonder if he was EVER separated at all. No matter........what when you can look at this clearly he is someone you DON'T want.

 

Vent in letters, vent here, vent to your friends but you will never get what you want from him and I hope you see that a relationship with him is NOT in your best interest and I hope you don't fall for the bs he tries to sell you when he gets back in touch with you because it will be more of he same.

 

Take care!

[gerib38]

BB the only reason i KNOW for sure he was seaperated is because i have been to his house they were seaperated abt 6 months .. that i do know... why he let her come back if he wanted it over is not clear, he said he wanted it to end civilly... god knows i know when i read this how stupid it all sounds, its not even that i dont believe he had true feelings for me(call me crazy) i do,,, but he obviously was in no poosition to be saying what he said to anyone ..

 

And as a former wife of a cheater, i have been on both sides of the fence , and i cant say the other woman has it any better than the wife it sux both ways !

[Lucky_One]

dont think i idndt think she/his wife shld know but it wont b by me , someone will tell her eventually, he announces that we were together to the worls, everyone knew wbt us and not from me

 

She has been back in the house for a year. (IF he was ever separated, which I sincerely doubt that they were truly separated). If no one has told her by now, it is doubtful that anyone ever will. And if she only moved back for finances (as you say he has claimed), then she won't care.

 

Please, do all you can to stay NC with him. This guy is not worth losing your dignity over.

[2sure]

When he said you would figure it out one day...

 

His wife left him for 6 months, I wouldn't be surprised at the reason why...he finally convinced her to move back in and although he would have liked to see you occasionally on his terms, you began to be too inconvenient to hide from his wife.

 

You can certainly send him the letter, but why for a moment you think telling him you are not to blame would matter to him....

 

I mean, yes it stinks, and if you are to blame it is only for believing what he told you. Mind you, what he told you is verbatim what they all say -wife is nuts, wife is disabled - and also completely opposite of what he DID.

 

Learn from it and move on I guess.

[gerib38]

I guess i was inconvienent because i wanted more than he was giving me i pushed , he said i was harsh and i start calling him on some of the things i heard and he said that did not add up, i still gave him the benefit of the doubt because he would do sweet things like send me a cd with a love song telling me it reminded him of me and told me i was his only peace of mind , that i gave him more in 30 min that she ever gave him... sweet talk ,, and being a softy i fell for it

[BB07]

When he said you would figure it out one day...

 

His wife left him for 6 months, I wouldn't be surprised at the reason why...he finally convinced her to move back in and although he would have liked to see you occasionally on his terms, you began to be too inconvenient to hide from his wife.

 

You can certainly send him the letter, but why for a moment you think telling him you are not to blame would matter to him....

 

I mean, yes it stinks, and if you are to blame it is only for believing what he told you. Mind you, what he told you is verbatim what they all say -wife is nuts, wife is disabled - and also completely opposite of what he DID.

 

Learn from it and move on I guess.

 

 

Great Advice!

Or.........if you think you can't live without finding out the truth, call his wife and start with I was dating your husband during the time he was separated. My guess is that you both will have some enlightening moments and you both will find out what a con this man is.

[Emme]

When someone says goodbye to you... Accept it. Don't send him anything. It is over. Whatever you need to get off your chest yell and scream it out but not to him. Don't waste your time on anyone that does not want your love. Move forward and don't look back. He is not a part of your future. He might try to contact you in the future, IGNORE HIM. He does not exist.

[Woman In Blue]

I, too, have my doubts that he was EVER separated. I've lost count of the lying weasels out there that tell this very story - that they're separated and then OUT OF THE BLUE, wifey moves back into the house when he's not looking! No warning, no asking, no discussion, no negotiations, no pre-planning - he just comes home and miraculously she's back. Why, it's almost like a Christmas miracle!

 

And the even bigger miracle is that she did it all by herself - with a disability, no less! Wow, that truly is a miracle.

 

Oh brother.

 

Geez, tell this loser to use something a bit more original the next time he wants to scam a woman for cheap thrills behind his wife's back.

 

Personally, if I were YOU, I'd go right to his wife and tell her everything. She'll probably be surprised to hear they were 'separated.'

Edited June 3, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[fooled once]

When someone says goodbye to you... Accept it. Don't send him anything. It is over. Whatever you need to get off your chest yell and scream it out but not to him. Don't waste your time on anyone that does not want your love. Move forward and don't look back. He is not a part of your future. He might try to contact you in the future, IGNORE HIM. He does not exist.

 

Ditto

 

I, too, have my doubts that he was EVER separated. I've lost count of the lying weasels out there that tell this very story - that they're separated and then OUT OF THE BLUE, wifey moves back into the house when he's not looking! No warning, no asking, no discussion, no negotiations, no pre-planning - he just comes home and miraculously she's back. Why, it's almost like a Christmas miracle!

 

And the even bigger miracle is that she did it all by herself - with a disability, no less! Wow, that truly is a miracle.

 

Oh brother.

 

Geez, tell this loser to use something a bit more original the next time he wants to scam a woman for cheap thrills behind his wife's back.

 

Personally, if I were YOU, I'd go right to his wife and tell her everything. She'll probably be surprised to hear they were 'separated.'

 

I'm curious how she got into the house....I guess she had a key

 

And being disabled, she moved herself back into then house in 8-9 hours?

 

Sorry, but you were conned and used. He backed away because you became too needy and wanting more than he was willing to give.

 

Let it go and move forward. Contacting him will not help and unfortunately, he has probably told his wife you are stalking him, you were a friend and you wanted to take it further and he told you no. He has already thrown you under the bus to his wife.

[gerib38]

It is and has been a really hard thing to swallow that a woman who works for a billion dollar company can be so easily mislead, as far as them really being seaperated .. i know this to be true i was at his house several times,,, so that is true, now wether he helped her move back in or not i do not know .. alot i dont know im sure , as far as the house being his , i dont know why he was so worried abt losing it , but i did hear rumor once that he almost lost it because he lost his job in the bad economy .. he is working now and she comes froma pretty wealthy family and MAYBE they bailed him out... again dont know...

 

i never really puushed alot of issues with him because i trusted him.. i had been questioning him alot over the last few months though .. maybe he figured i was on to him .. i know... NOT smart!, i fell in love i have no other excuse , he broke my heart, thing is i tried to end it so many times whn i could have easily walked away, this is not a desperate man , he could get a woman easily why he persued me when i ended it i do not know, i ended it many times and hed all but beg and plead with me to take him back .sat in my drive way one night 4 abt 2 hrs til i went out to talk to him... why didnt he just let it go.. the only thing i can say is many times he told me .. he did not want me to get hurt.. again making me think he was genuine? .. as far as telling his wife, i wont do that .. not because she doesnt deserve to know , but i cant do it.. but he may not be so lucky with the next one

 

i will get over this , im having a hard time right now .. good days and bad days i think right now im more pissed off and needed to vent about it, i thought i found this GREAT guy , Geesh! and as far as throwing me under the bus to his wife i have all his texts telling me he was inlove with me and all ... so i am not even worried abt what she thinks i cld f up his world with the texts i have

Edited June 4, 2011 by gerib38