Am I wrong for still loving him?

[Broken526]

I've been with my boyfriend since 17 years old for almost 4 years. I was independent+focused, but had childhood traumas. I met him at summer job, he loved me so much. But I was always insecure + unable to express feelings. I love him, but I unintentionally mistreat him. This interracial relationship went on, he left family to move in with me near my school but hrs of ttc for him to his, I demanded more, and 2 years ago we broke up, I left Canada for 4 months to heal, but once he contacted me, I felt my entire defence collapsed, I came back. we couldn't stay apart, we fight+argue, but we'd still go out of our way for each other.

 

I just had 2nd abortion since 2008, this time I decided without asking him. perhaps I felt I was getting somewhere in life, or just not willing to give up all for him anymore. I thought I needed him, but now I realize, I let go all hurtful things he did/said just for I can't bare to imagine him giving all his love to another person. in past months, I woke up early daily to drive him from downtown to uptown for work regardless how tired or sick I felt during pregnancy, picked him up for it to be raining, midnight or w/e...i was there.

 

i know he did a lot too, but when we fight, he'd say hurtful things or even get violent if I push his buttons. There was my birthday last week, and he did so much to make my dream party happen on beach, but I swore and pushed him in beginning when I saw people there who I didn't know or invite. he took all my drunken bs...things went well, or at least I thought. except next day when I woke him up, he suddenly said "ok I did what you asked, you got what you bargained for, now get out of my life, I want my freedom." Since then, he's been cold. he went to work on his own, I went back to my mom's house. I called that night, worrying how he‘d go home after tiring day of work, he didn't pick up. I called his coworker to ask so I don't drive down for nothing. but he called screaming and swearing at me for calling his coworker to get a hold of him. I didn't go. I didn't go to school, again my life fell apart. Next day I don't know why I drove down to his work beforehand just wanting to see him, I was afraid of how panel meeting might turn out...but he was frustrated and mad, School laid sanctions of plagiarism, for the paper I wrote in car daily morning dropping/picking him for work, I was tired, pregnant and didn't pay attention to sourcing, ended up facing plagiarism in you of T. Now my graduation, course credit, law school application are affected.

 

When I need him most he's not there, he doesn't even know. I tried to call him again, but no response. I didn't go home or see him again. I was wrong and careless. I know I have issues from past and it's unfair to seek compensation from him, but I just wish things are OK and he's still there...why do I not function when we fight? How could he do this when I'm going through so much? Did he forget all those times I was there for him? What now?