Partner keeps me a secret from friends

[StarryNightSky]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been looking around the site for a bit but this would be my first post. I wanted to write here and ask everyone advise on what I should do.

 

I can say that I have found others who have posted on some similar issues, like boyfriends not introducing them to family and friends, but my relationship is a little different, and I'm not sure if I should take the same advise.

 

I started seeing someone almost nine months ago. We went to the same college, he just graduated this semester. He is 22 and I am 19, turning 20 in a few months. Our relationship started more like friends with benefits or just messing around. We spoke often, hung out, I was very honest from the beginning about my past relationships, and our relationship developed.

 

This was at a point in my life when I wasn't looking for anything with anyone, but one month passed and then another and another with him.

 

He currently lives with his mother, and I have met her. I get along well with her, and I have spent more than a few nights there since we began seeing each other. The issue is not with his family but with his friends. And the reason why he insists that it be kept secret or on the "DL" as he put its.

 

The thing is we have a great number of friends in common, actually most of his 'closer' friends in college are also my friends, since we run in similar circles.

 

I have found that the longer I am with him, the more attached I am to him. Which of course seems obvious. We normally tend to be very straight forward with each other and discuss all the things that bother us about the relationship, but I feel unsure about this because I think it is the one thing one my part that would MAKE me leave him. I have tried to understand and been fine with keeping our relationship private and not letting anyone know, but the longer I am with him the less ok I am with it. He says it is because he likes his privacy, and maybe he is right and thats a good thing. But experience tells me the complete opposite.

 

The guy I am seeing now, I am unable to call a boyfriend, because he isn't. He has incredible standards of what is a girlfriend and when I approached him with the subject of giving whatever relationship we have a name he managed to assuage me to just let what ever we have develop, that we didn't have to add the additional stress of a title like girlfriend/boyfriend to the mix.

 

But that leaves me even more confused about what we have. And the fact that none of our friends know we even see or date each other bothers me. It has always bothered me but I always manage to put it to the side and not think about it too much.

 

However when I have been asked, by people and some of my friends lately that I do not believe know him I felt fine mentioning what my "boyfriend's name" was and how long been seeing each other. But at his graduation a girl I didn't believe knew him approached him and asked him if he was seeing me or possibly if he was my boyfriend. Which he of course he denied.

 

He then confronted me about it, and said he was unhappy with me when it came to that. He asked me why I did it, and I told hm that I didn't feel like lying to people that I did not believe knew him that I was seeing someone on our campus with his name. He said that was a horrible excuse, and that I should have just said I was seeing some guy who did not go to our college.

 

But it's just not an excuse this thing, the denying me to anyone and everyone socially, I have already seen and experienced. That is what I mean when I say that experience has taught me otherwise.

 

In a past relationship, actually my first relationship which lasted all through high school the boy I was seeing did this exact thing. I met his family but according to everyone in our high school, there was absolutely so connection between him and me. He said it was because of the same thing, to keep our private life, private. It ended up that he was seeing four different girls at the same. So not only did he lie and cheat, but in all the years I was with him, even though I sort of knew he was bad for me I stayed because I foolishly believed I was in love, and tried to excuse everything I didn't like in our relationship away. But because of it, my self esteem greatly suffered. I felt as if he was ashamed and embarrassed to be associated or found to have any connection with me. I felt as if I wasn't worth dating, seeing or even the girlfriend to anyone. And this is the exact same way I feel now and more so the longer I stay with my current partner.

 

However I feel unable to put both of these men completely in the same category. I don't think I can apply everything to the man I am seeing now. I do not believe he is seeing other girls, (I had a feeling with my first boyfriend). But what I do believe is that because my current partner considers himself technically "single" and "free", and the same of me, he would have a guilt free conscious if he did decide to mess around with another girl.

 

But my problem isn't only that, because it is just a small problem in addition to what I feel is my bigger problem. In denying me so completely to friends and acquaintances and having such a need to have our relationship a secret because of his need for "privacy". I once again am starting to feel like the person a care sooo much about is ashamed and embarrassed to be with me.

 

And I PROMISED myself, that if anyone made me feel that way again, and put my self esteem and self worth at risk, that I would not continue this relationship. So now, I don't know what to do.

 

I feel like I should tell him all this and ask him if we could find a halfway point because I can't do things the way he wants anymore. It all bothers, upsets and hurts me too much to do so. But I feel if I tell him this, it is going to be more of an ultimatum.

 

There is a chance I will either again be assuaged (momentarily) to his point of view and stay with him on his terms for a while longer. A small chance we might find a half way point to meet on this issue. Or what I feel is more likely, that we will simply stop seeing each other.

 

So, now I pose the question to all of you who cared enough to read, what should I do?

 

Thank you, to all of you who read and have any advise, it is greatly appreciated.

[2sure]

And I PROMISED myself, that if anyone made me feel that way again, and put my self esteem and self worth at risk, that I would not continue this relationship. So now, I don't know what to do.

 

You know what to do. Not long ago your past self made a promise to your future self. Honor it. If you do not, you know that you are reenforceing accepting less than you want. You are showing him that you are ok with less than you deserve.

 

Pull back from him. Tell him up front and honestly how you feel. If he cannot give you what you want , move on.

 

I know its hard.

[TaraMaiden]

I bet your wedding day will be wonderful - he'll marry you, but refuse to acknowledge you as his wife, or permit you to refer to yourself as same, or him as your husband.

 

Jeesh... the guy is an anal jerk.

Sorry, but if he refuses to "play the game" - give him his ball back, and quit trying so hard.

 

I mean, the guy really isn't worth this much drama - is he??

 

I tell you - if a guy was this controlling at THIS stage of a 'relationship' - what's he going to be like when things get complicated?

Why should he have everything his own way??

Tell everyone you're going out together, and that you're a couple, or an item.

Then, when he gets mad and protests, and dumps you - you can tell everyone why, and everyone will know what a jerk he is!

[CrestfallenNoMore]

My guess is he wants to get with someone else who you both know, so he wants to keep you under wraps.

 

But even if that's not the case, he's got this set up where he's calling all the shots and you're letting him. And then he gets mad at you for being hurt by it all and tells you to blatantly lie. And that by NOT blatantly lying, you're somehow dishonoring him.

 

Don't dishonor yourself. No orgasm is THAT good.

[O'Malley]

There's a big difference between privacy (which is not what is occurring here) and secrecy. When someone is genuinely interested in and happy to be with you, they may be more affectionate in private, but they are also proud to acknowledge your relationship to friends.

 

This guy chooses to act secretive because he feels that it maximizes his options. You're a worthwhile person, and it's time to gain from your experiences and stop wasting your time and feelings on someone who doesn't want to share of himself. As Taramaiden said, let your friends know that you were dating and make it clear to him that he's an option that you're moving on from.

[StarryNightSky]

2Sure: You're saying something that is so true. You're right, I don't want to make the same mistake again.

 

Taramaiden and O'Malley: I don't think everything is his way, but maybe that is so, because he has made me feel that. I just keep thinking of all the great times and experiences we have had together, and all the good moments, and I start thinking that I am being silly by making this such a big deal.

 

Don't both of you think telling everyone is taking it a little far? I feel its almost vengeful if I do that, or maybe immature on my part. I have to admit it has crossed my mind more than once, but I just don't think I can bring myself to do it.

[TaraMaiden]

Why not?

He has curtailed your personal freedom within the enclave of a relationship.

By telling you that you cannot call it that, and that you cannot refer to yourself/him as a girlfriend/boyfriend....he has effectively dictated what he feels your relationship amounts to, and that is something unmentionable....

 

Why is he so confining?

And why are you deferring to him, without compromise, or in sufferance?

[SpiralOut]

Not only is he treating you badly but you are allowing him to do it. If I were you I would cut him out of your life and wait for some time to pass by before telling other people about it. You can say something right away if you like but it will just cause more drama (unless drama is what you want)

[StarryNightSky]

Drama is the last thing I want.

 

What I want to do is lick my wounds and do what I inherently knew but now with everyone's support, I AM going to do.

 

I am going to talk it out with him, give him the ultimatum. I deserve more, I deserve better. (What is ironic, is that he was the one who helped build me back up, made me feel and acknowledge I deserve better in my life than what I was given in my past relationship.)

 

I hope the world and karma understands, that what he taught me I now have to use to judge him and make my decision.

 

I feel that for everything he did for me, to help me grow and become a better person and understand my worth, that I owe him at least the chance to make it work, but no longer under his terms.

[spiderowl]

I know what I would do, but I'm probably older and no longer feel I need to put up with a boyfriend's quirks. Life is too short to be pussy-footing around people with emotional problems. Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic - it's not, it's just that as long as you are looking out for him and caring about his feelings, you neglect your own. Your feelings matter too, just as much! There will always be someone down the line somewhere who will treat you better, but you may have to wait a while to meet him.

 

If you really want this guy, then I'd suggest dropping out of the relationship, quietly but definitely. Don't declare you're going to do it, just find less and less time to spend with him. Don't jump when he calls. Don't go round when he invites you. Have other things to do/places to be. See what happens. If he really does love you and has become attached to you, he'll come looking and want to resolve this (though he might try drawing you back into the same arrangement again, which I'd resist). If he doesn't love you, he'll miss some of what you were offering but look elsewhere.

 

The thing is, why put up with this? If privacy matters that much to him, then let him have it - without you. You could be meeting and building a relationship with someone who is thrilled to call you his girlfriend. Why waste yourself on someone who can't bring himself to do that?

Edited June 4, 2011 by spiderowl

[whichwayisup]

He's a player. He doesn't want anybody to know about you because it ruins his chances of ONS's with other girls and/or doesn't want any long term commimttment/marriage down the road.

 

I am sorry to say this, but since this guy DENIED that he's dating you to another girl, DUMP him. I know you love him and all, but he is not treating you well at all. If he let himself fall in love with you, that's a different story all together but it seems he's not and he's just enjoying things on his terms, not yours. You want bf/gf status, rightfully so after 9 months!!

[Tayla]

Place yourself outside of this mans' issues. Its truly that simple.

 

Seriously what would you tell your bestfriend who came to you with this very situation, bearing in mind she does have love for this person yet an uneasiness in his treatment of her. Do you side with her feelings or be upfront and honest. Its ultimately your call and your perception we are responding to. We really dont have his side or his delusional reasoning...

[Silivren]

I agree with CrestfallenNoMore.

 

It seems fishy that he doesn't want your friends to know. I would be willing to lay bets that he has his eye on a mutual friend of yours.

 

What he is doing is subtle but sneaky. Because he's keeping his options open for himself, at the same time he is closing your options off because you are not making yourself available to date others because you are waiting on him to make things official aren't you?

 

He is cake eating.

 

I vote to go with TaraMaiden and O'Malley.

 

If I were you - I'd dump him and I'd bust him to your friends. Something is rotten here and I bet if you broke your silence it would all come out in the open and you would feel a lot better finally knowing the truth - that it's not you.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck!