oscaroc Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Been married Four years and we have a son thats almost two in april. My wife has informed me she no longer loves me and hasn't for some time. She acts really cold and unemotional.SHe doesnt' even entertain the idea of going to a counselor. She aqcuired a new job recently and works with a lady that is the owners girlfriend. This woman is a, in your face feminist very democratic and all about being independent. I suspect that she has filled my wifes head with ideas that she doesnt' need me and to ditch me. I also suspet maybe another man she may have met. I also have caught my wife high on pot a couple of times and she lies and says it is nothing i think she may be on more than just pot. She is ready to throw away everything we have worked for all these years. I don't know how to open her eyes and show her what she is about to throw away. The crazy thing is she says she wanted to grow old together and all that, And she still wants everything that comes with marriage but the marriage part because we will be in each others life anyways because of our son. "have her cake and eat it to". She doesn't make any sense any more. Then the next minute she hates my guts and have never satisfied her or provided for her. I am afraid of what is going to happen to her if she keeps going the way she is going. And I don't want my son subjected to that kind of enviroment. HOW DO I TALK SENSE INTO HER? I don't know what to do. I don't know what is going on with her. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 You can't talk sense "into her", but if you listen for a while you might be able to start understanding the problem as she sees it. Each of you needs to meet the other's needs in the marriage for it to work. Please check out <URL removed> for practical suggestions. First of all, please shake your attitude of "She's wrong, I have to straighten her out". It will NOT get you anywhere, guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 I have spent a lot of time on the website you gave me it is great. It has helped me see that i have approached the whole situation wrong. I just hope it isn't to late we are not really talking right now other than to ask how are son is doing. And i don't know how to start. I know that i haven't fulfilled many of her needs. and vica versa. I know she really likes to french kiss and i don't hate it but it is hard for me to get into it at first but when i do it is very stimulating. I need to work on lots of good love giving habits. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmz Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 I have a similar situation where my wife wants to leave me and told me that she sees us a friends -- next door neighbors, old in san francisco. my counselor says she is trying to negate the wake of damage she left with the pending. a guilt ego defense i suppose. i can't tell what your spouse wants. you probably can't. in fact she may not know herself. just do your own thing. carry on with your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
hope&pray Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 Oscar, Any updates on your situation with your wife? What are your thougts on the ebook stop your divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted May 24, 2004 Author Share Posted May 24, 2004 There hasn't been much progress, She came crying back to me a week ago saying she wanted to make it work but the next day she is back to the wanting a divorce. I just told her that I don't know what i want right now and she left crying. I felt bad but I really worry if this going to happen again down the road if we do stay together. I can't do this again. Initially it was her that wanted the D but now i think i do. So confusing i need time to sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss lil Amie Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 Talking sense into her? If she's on drugs like it seems like she is there is no such thing as sense. It sounds like she wants to be with you because of the growing old thing together..if she is on drugs then I could tell you right now that is probably the reason why she is saying this..she probably doesen't even know what she really wants..I see why you want to talk sense into her..but all you can do is talk to her about everything and see why she really doesen't want to be with you..maybe that will open up things up! wow..bad advice on my part..what i typed probably doesen't make sense. lol. What I meant is that you can't talk sense into her..but talking to her can help a little..okay I'll put a cork in it now. lol. Hope I was somewhat of a help! Link to post Share on other sites
ready2moveon26 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 My husband did the same thing...twice! I took him back the first time because our daughter just turned 2 and they are the family I have ALWAYS wanted. I love him very much and he loves me too. It was fine for a while but then he started becoming very much like your wife. The second time we split up, it was my doing. I decided I can't live in that situation anymore and neither can my daughter. After being split up for a few weeks, we talked and came to the conclusion that we can be friends throughout it all. He lives about 2 hours from me so when I went to take our daughter to him, he would offer for me to spend the night. I knew he loved me and thought maybe he would want to work things out. One night even told me, flat out, that he does not want a divorce. Since then, he has met someone else and has been VERY rude towards me. Before he met her, we talked about everything. The people I was meeting, the people he was meeting, what we did on a daily basis, ect. So last week, I set up a schedule for our daughter and made an appointment with a lawyer. As much as I don't want it, we are getting a dissolution. He has completely changed and tries to make everything my fault. As a matter of fact, he called me last night to demand that I stop talking to his family. I wanted to laugh in his face, but controlled myself. I went to the lawyer today and am ready to get this over with. I am a good person and deserve to be happy and so do you! You have to let her go. It's going to be the best thing for you. Go ahead and read my posting to find out a little more...Good luck! It isn't easy, so don't expect it to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 first,Thanks for all the advice Second, you know I have tried to talk with her and see what went wrong or what was so bad (talking to her doesn't work )but she has no answer no reasoning she just doesn't love me anymore and thats it. She used to be a completely honest person with me and we both where very much in love but i think that It will never be the same again do you agree? So I resolve for now to leave her alone for a while and see what comes out of it. She wanted her space freedom and independance so I will give it to her. There is some infedelity issues on her part recently and i don't know if i can ever forget that. Third, I know all about the "it is my fault Sh*t". And that it is nothing but her insecurities and her way of justifing her actions. She calls up to push my buttons in turn i used to get mad and that would give her all the more reason to leave me. Its called projection and it is a symptom that people with Bipolar have. It's been a month and a half since we have been split and there is no progress on her part and she states that there is nothing to work out so I guess that is it or is it? I don't know. thats all Link to post Share on other sites
CatherineLK Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Have you considered the fact that maybe she really isn't in love with you anymore and really wants out of the relationship? Somewhere her needs weren't being met and she drifted apart from you. There are always two sides to every relationship. Be honest with yourself and instead of blaming her for everything see what you were doing that caused her to turn away from you. Stop trying to change her or fix her. If you want to stay married you need to look within yourself and change yourself - not her. If she doesn't want to stay married to you give her the option to get out and go on with her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oscaroc Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 Don't think for a minute that i haven't considered that she isn't in love with me anymore. When she looked me in the face and told me what she had done with her ex I considered it. I am all for her receiving what she needs and i have tried to on everything she has had problems with about me and her. But if I don't know I can't help. Men don't have a magical wand that figure this stuff out . Why is it always left up to the man anyways? There has always been needs that i would like to and never got but you don't see me sleeping around and doing drugs i am an adult i know there is certain things in life i will never see, hear, touch, do or meet etc. Does anybody really ever get everything they need to be happy NO!! There is always to sides to the story but when there is a child involved somebody has to be the grown up and take control of the situation. She had it pretty good as far as I am concerned never had to deal with bills ever. If she wanted something she knew she could just go buy it and i wouldn't care. I called her everyday at work to tell her that il oved her and that she was beautiful. never slept with anybody but her. I gave compliments to her looks constantly gave her great sex (? if she wasn't lying about that too) Have you noticed the one constant in here Is I I I. She treated me good to always giving me affection and attention. But never respect or loyalty. She did do my laundry though and i do appreciate that as i have told her millions of times. All she has to do to get on with her life is serve me papers its that simple. Do you not think that i want to get on with my life? What is so hard to figure out i don't get it. If she comes back is it because she has settled for me. I am sorry but F*@K that. I want somebody that appreciates me and my son. Link to post Share on other sites
hope&pray Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 Give it some time and do forget about her for awhile. Distance yourself from her. You may have to totaly lock her out for quite sometime before she comes around and is ready to talk. She isn't happy and sounds angry about something. You are angry to but that emotion can make you say and do very stupid things, things you will probably eventualy regret. Hopefully she will want to talk in time and you can find out what has caused her to fall out of love with you. Maybe you, LIKE ME, smothered her to much, didn't give her some of the small things she asked for, took things for granted etc... I'm not saying it is all your fault but start by pointing at yourself before you completely point at her. Were there anythings you two did before the marriage that she really liked that you stopped after you got married or after you had your son? Or somethings she enjoyed doing before you met but stopped after you two hooked up? Don't beat yourself up but look in the mirror first. I do it daily and I never like what I see. Link to post Share on other sites
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