Dilemma, feel free to judge me

[Kelemvor]

Hello, I'm in serious need of some advice. I don't even know where to start... First of all, my question pertains to whether I should stay married or not, as I have been married only about 10 months now.

 

A little about myself and what I've done. I'm in my late thirties and am a physician. My career literally drives my life and the majority of my happiness, I derive from work. I have no problem admitting that I'm a workaholic and enjoy being at work far more than being with my wife. I'm a very atypical male in that I was estranged from my family at a young age and had a very poor relationship with my own mother cultivating a fierce independence and loner mentality where I trusted no one in my life other than my closest of friends. I genuinely do not require nor need much of the nurturing that most men seek within a married relationship. I'm used to doing things on my own and I don't like answering to anyone or getting permission to do anything as it reminds me of the terrible relationship with my own family where they were always disappointed, unable to make happy, and I've just had to fend for myself for years throughout my education and higher learning. I have a very difficult time trusting people or even loving people unconditionally. To be perfectly honest, I don't really even believe in it. I feel at war with myself most of the time, part of me feels cold, controlling, emotionless and willing to do anything to succeed, a perfectionist who is never satisfied with myself...the other part of me is warm and sensitive, full of feeling, spiritual.. but I often times feel that the darker part of me for lack of a better word wins out. Yes, I've had a shrink tell me I have serious issues that stem back to my relationship with my parents but I have no desire to become someone else at this point in life, nor have my skeletons dragged out of me by a therapist to dangle in front of me... I know my pain, character flaws and hardness and I try to balance it by working in a profession where I can help ease people's suffering as a way of penance in a way. I always enjoyed relationships, the partial intimacy, the companionship but never needed it or felt that I necessarily needed a life long companion. I was terrified of marriage which pretty much ended most of my relationships in one way or another. The only girl I kept on a pedestal most of my life was an "old flame" from my very young days who was with me through some difficult times in my life and loved me. We met back up after a decade and decided to get married in a whirlwind courtship where we really didn't get enough time to get to know each other all over again. I've changed drastically since then as she has even told me, I'm much colder and independent, and don't make her feel as if I need her as she puts it. We really never gave each other a chance to get to know each other again before getting married. It was a romantic notion that we must be meant for each other since we found each other again.

 

We've fought off and on since the beginning of our marriage. We briefly were sleeping in separate rooms about 2 weeks into the marriage as an example. I think in hindsight, I got married more as a way of trying to get that next "accomplishment" and goal that I thought was a step towards fulfillment which I never can seem to reach. Fulfillment for me would probably be ultimately found in career and/or in military service as a physician, not within my family which is a horrible thing to say but I feel it nonetheless. She has done everything most men would ever want. She keeps the house clean, she cooks and bakes and does anything she thinks would make me happy, she makes herself available for sex anytime that I desire it and she clings to me almost in a needy way in that I'm the knight who swept her up and is the only one who can take care of her. Secretly I think she feels that I'm only halfway in this marriage and asks me often if I really love her. My heart just aches when she does this because I feel that even though I was in love with her 10 years ago, I only just "love" her now and can't seem to fall back "in love" with her again. Her happiness comes from loving me and trying to make me happy, but I can't reciprocate this at all, even though I try to force myself mentally, it's completely at odds with who I am today. What a terrible thing for a husband to say.

 

We have many problems. We never have sex, or at most very rarely. This is primarily due to me. I just don't desire her sexually, nor do I think I ever really did once I got to know her again. Now that I think about it, I don't really find her physically attractive like I once did. She's in good shape though and I've had men tell me she was very attractive, of which I have no doubt. Part of it also is in how I perceive her too, I think. I thought I was marrying someone that was independent and career driven like myself who's life didn't completely revolve around me, but it's almost like her career goals and ambitions have gone out the window. She complains about work constantly and cries that she has to put up with a bad work environment though she recently got a new degree and is working in a place most new grads would kill for the opportunity to put it on their resume alone. She is so unhappy at times she insinuates quitting and not being able to "take much more of this. We argue about it constantly and to me I see someone with 2 degrees, multiple jobs that were never "ideal enough" and someone who just quits when things get tough in their job situation, rather than endure and focus on the positives. It makes me lose respect for her. I think in a way, she'd like nothing better than just quit and be a stay at home wife/mother that tends to my every need. Most men would love this but I'm just the complete opposite. We're very different, rarely have anything to talk about at the dinner table except my day or patient cases. We don't really even have a lot of the same interests. I can't talk with her about philosophy or politics or sophisticated topics because she's just not into that. She blames herself for my unhappiness because she feels that she's trying so hard to make me happy but I'm continually unhappy. Needless to say, the long hours spent at work with her alone at home do not help things. She wants and needs a husband who's life revolves in a way by wanting to make her happy. In a way, I envy and want that so badly but I can't seem to get there. The workaholic or cold machine that I've become over the years always wins out and I gain my happiness from work, not in making her happy like any good husband SHOULD feel. I feel as if I've lost respect for her and constantly wish I could re-wind time and undo getting married. I feel that she would be much happier with a man who appreciated her more than I do and was looking for a wife to take care of him and all his needs which I don't seem to have many that can be satisfied by her. It breaks my heart to say these things.

 

Sexually, I don't find her attractive at all. I don't know why this is but is probably due to the issues with my reluctance to be fully committed mentally to this marriage. Yes, I've strayed and had a briefly lived affair a few months ago. It didn't last long and didn't even mean much but I'm horrified that it even happened. I'm scared that it will happen again given the circumstance. Yes, I know I failed her and our marriage in this way and feel free to judge me as harshly as you want. Believe me, no one feels worse about it than myself. I would never tell her about it as it would do nothing more than emotionally break her and selfishly purge myself of my own guilt.

 

We've made progress in the last few weeks in finding happier moments together to do things and cuddle and I genuinely love her, but can't help feeling that I don't love her the way a husband genuinely should love his wife. I love her but feel as if she would be helpless without me. I stay with her hoping that my feelings will change and hoping that I can slowly become a different person but at my age... and the amount of marriage counseling that we've already had, I'm starting to realize just how ingrained some of my faults are. I don't know whether to go forward with a positive attitude and try to make the best of a not so great situation or whether I'm just a terrible husband and potential father and should get a divorce and stay single the rest of my life. I feel trapped every day and just unhappy. I feel as if I'm living with a roommate. We never had any sort of honeymoon bliss, only roller coaster rides of arguments and incessant head butting over issues since the beginning of our marriage. It's not always bad, we do have good moments but I can honestly say, being married was nothing like what I expected and sometimes I'm torn over whether I'm really even meant for marriage. I constantly battle over whether I should give things a shot and try to find fulfillment in marriage or whether I'm setting another innocent person up for a life filled with unhappiness, married to a shadow of a husband who is more married to work and career than to his own wife and future family. I know she deserves more. She deserves to be wanted, desired, loved unconditionally, all these things... In a way, I'd love to be the person to give those things but I've started to realize after 10 months that I don't know if it's simply a matter of "change" but a matter of whether I "can" or even "want" to change or become someone else at this stage in my life.

 

I just feel lost... The last 10 months have been very unhappy and we've both had more unhappy times than happy times but I think we both go forward with an attitude of "well...the first year is supposed to be really hard, things will just get better...". I think she hopes I will change and become someone I'm not anymore. I think she hopes for the boy she loved a decade ago who has been lost. I feel damned for failing my marriage vows and God himself so early in this marriage.

 

Should I divorce, or just keep trying to make small improvements and start trying to change myself? The very thought of the pain and suffering it would cause her through a divorce just makes me cringe as I hate the thought of hurting her so deeply. Seeing her cry just breaks my heart.

 

I don't fancy I'll get too many empathetic/sympathetic responses, so just give it to me like you see it, I can take it.

 

Thanks for reading if you took the time to. This went a lot longer than I expected but it's difficult to get all my thoughts down.

Edited June 3, 2011 by Kelemvor

[Kelemvor]

Also, I could focus on things she's done that convey some of the same things such as "being on the fence", lack of changing her name after marriage, etc.. I could focus on her faults but I'm deciding not to in this post because I truly feel as if I'm much more at fault than she could ever be. The problem I have is that I've been in relationships with professional women where we were both very independent, and had a much happier relationship. Again, a relationship in my past that ended because I would not commit to marriage... So, in a way, I wish I had never had that experience because I wouldn't know that there are women out there that are more understanding and compatible.

Edited June 3, 2011 by Kelemvor

[ivyvine]

I am in a somewhat similar situation ... at least the part where I only love my partner while he's madly in love with me. We've been together for almost seven years, the last two he has been in medical school so they have been extremely demanding and hard on our relationship. I know medical school causes a lot of breakups and I would be willing to work towards fixing the problems med school has caused if it weren't for the fact that we had numerous problems prior to him starting the program. Our sex life is AWFUL, and not because of him. K is extremely good looking, very smart and funny but for whatever reason I don't see him as I used to even three years ago. I am no longer sexually attracted to him and have actually started avoiding any kind of physical contact by working long hours or staying out into the wee hours of the morning.

 

I too have strayed, twice. I don't regret anything I have done in my life thus far, except the first time I cheated. I decided not to tell K because I thought it would be a ONE time mistake and that making him feel bad would only be helping me get rid of the guilt that was eating me away. The second time was more recently and has actually become more than I thought it would/should. The OM and I like each other very much (we have known each other for about a year) but have agreed that it will never become anything serious.

 

In any case, like I said things had been bad for a while, our problems include:

1. He does not help around the house (cleaning, etc). I understand he's in med school, but it has been like this since before he started the program.

2. Our sex life is non-existant

3. We don't have much in common anymore. We used to go out and be very social (which is one of the things I loved about him). Now he just wants to stay home all the time ... again, this started before med school.

4. I feel that he believes his time is more valuable than mine. I too am going to school AND working fulltime ... no, his time is not worth much more than mine!

5. I am very independent (parents divorced when I was fairly young and that has lead to a very different family dynamic than most) while he's kind of clingy/needy

6. Last fall my grandmother fell very ill and passed away rather quickly, and he was just not there for me emotionally.

 

I feel bad when I even think about leaving him because I know it will break his heart, but I can't stay in a relationship when I'm not happy. It's not good for either party involved, right? He takes his step one at the end of this month and then we have a trip planned so I will probably start the process after we get back. It's just so hard ... if it's the right thing to do then why do I feel so awful about it?

 

I know I didn't really answer your question - mostly I just dumped my problems onto the forum, but I am just so frustrated, sad, confused and unhappy. I am still young (mid 20s) and am not concerned about being in a partnership/relationship, I have enough going on in my life. And I kind of miss living alone. That we live together and share three cats is definitely not making this easier.

 

If you have ANY suggestions or advice that would make leaving him easier for both of us - please, share!

[Stung]

I find it interesting that you have lost respect for her because you imagine she is willing to quit her job at the first sign of bumps in the road, yet you have already cheated on her and are considering divorce before the completion of a single year of marriage, and you don't seem to see the irony there.

 

Honestly, I am usually against divorce before every other avenue has been tried, but in this case I think divorce is probably for the best. The poor woman thinks she is married to someone who loves her, meanwhile you not only don't love her, you don't respect her, don't find her attractive, and are unfaithful to her. You seem to be disgusted by her going about the perfectly normal process of venting to you about her day. I am an advocate of therapy, but you have already stated that you know you have issues and aren't interested in trying to fix them, you refuse therapy as an option, so I just don't see how this situation is salvageable. To stay married under these circumstances ultimately seems like cruelty, particularly to keep misleading your wife about your emotional state.

 

I hope, for your sake, that you do choose to pursue fixing some of your issues someday, when you are ready for it. In the meantime, don't marry and horribly mislead somebody again. If you find personal fulfillment only in the professional realm, just stay and operate there in that realm for a while until you are more genuine about seeking fulfillment on other levels.

 

On kind of a side note, I am amused/abstractly offended that you find fault with her for not changing her name and call that "fence sitting" and a sign of weak commitment. HER commitment is weak, in your marital scenario? Really? That's fault-finding and obvious blame-shifting, after all the problems you just ran down for us. For the record, I chose to keep my name as well, but my commitment to my husband runs deep--far, far deeper than yours does for your wife. In any case, you might try to look at it this way: you should be glad you didn't add insult to injury by pushing this woman to take your name when you married her for all the wrong reasons and don't really care about her. IMO,she is lucky at least in that very small way, that she won't have to worry about any tarnish to her professional reputation by changing her name and then changing it again in a short time span, and she won't have to go through a mountain of paperwork being reminded with each penstroke that her husband had expected her to change her identity for him even though he didn't really love her...or worse, she won't get stuck carrying your name like a personal brand of disappointment for the rest of her life.

 

Anyway, the bottom line here is that your wife deserves the honest truth about the state of her relationship. It's going to be a difficult conversation, but you owe her that much, I think.

[Afishwithabike]

 

Should I divorce, or just keep trying to make small improvements and start trying to change myself? The very thought of the pain and suffering it would cause her through a divorce just makes me cringe as I hate the thought of hurting her so deeply. Seeing her cry just breaks my heart.

 

 

I find it ironic that you cringe at the thought of hurting her feelings yet you're so cold to her by your own admission, you don't love her, you find her sexually repulsive, you've even cheated on her and you're worried you might cheat on her again.

 

Divorce her.

 

She needs to be with someone who truly loves her and appreciates her. If she is all that you've said she is, she should be able to find another man. Be thankful you don't have kids or this could have been far messier.

 

I don't think marriage is for you. That's fine. Not everyone wants or needs to be married. You seem to derive your happiness from your profession so being single will give you the time and freedom to become an even better doctor.

[dream2nite]

I may seem a bit callous, but why does getting married and then feeling that you've made a mistake have to be so difficult? I understand the committment of marriage and two becoming as one, but we are only human and sometimes we make mistakes...even getting married. I was married for 21 yrs. and endured alot because of it. I also still love my ex very much, but in a friendship way. Isn't it better to realize something sooner than later? I have a friend who is in her 4th marriage and one lasted 7 months. She is no happier but is still movin on. I just try to see it that we do what we do and not with the intent to hurt people, but sometimes we find ourselves in situations like this. I too am facing the same thing with someone I married in Jan. 2011. I just don't feel married like I should. It just doesn't feel right. I love him but I'm not in love and it seems more like a friends helping out kinda relationship, with him helping me out more. I feel guilty but I know I'm not a mean person. I'm just trying to look at things rationally while I question myself about my feelings. I tell myself: "It's only as difficult as we make it" but it's still tough.

 

Also, I could focus on things she's done that convey some of the same things such as "being on the fence", lack of changing her name after marriage, etc.. I could focus on her faults but I'm deciding not to in this post because I truly feel as if I'm much more at fault than she could ever be. The problem I have is that I've been in relationships with professional women where we were both very independent, and had a much happier relationship. Again, a relationship in my past that ended because I would not commit to marriage... So, in a way, I wish I had never had that experience because I wouldn't know that there are women out there that are more understanding and compatible.

 

Hello, I'm in serious need of some advice. I don't even know where to start... First of all, my question pertains to whether I should stay married or not, as I have been married only about 10 months now.

 

A little about myself and what I've done. I'm in my late thirties and am a physician. My career literally drives my life and the majority of my happiness, I derive from work. I have no problem admitting that I'm a workaholic and enjoy being at work far more than being with my wife. I'm a very atypical male in that I was estranged from my family at a young age and had a very poor relationship with my own mother cultivating a fierce independence and loner mentality where I trusted no one in my life other than my closest of friends. I genuinely do not require nor need much of the nurturing that most men seek within a married relationship. I'm used to doing things on my own and I don't like answering to anyone or getting permission to do anything as it reminds me of the terrible relationship with my own family where they were always disappointed, unable to make happy, and I've just had to fend for myself for years throughout my education and higher learning. I have a very difficult time trusting people or even loving people unconditionally. To be perfectly honest, I don't really even believe in it. I feel at war with myself most of the time, part of me feels cold, controlling, emotionless and willing to do anything to succeed, a perfectionist who is never satisfied with myself...the other part of me is warm and sensitive, full of feeling, spiritual.. but I often times feel that the darker part of me for lack of a better word wins out. Yes, I've had a shrink tell me I have serious issues that stem back to my relationship with my parents but I have no desire to become someone else at this point in life, nor have my skeletons dragged out of me by a therapist to dangle in front of me... I know my pain, character flaws and hardness and I try to balance it by working in a profession where I can help ease people's suffering as a way of penance in a way. I always enjoyed relationships, the partial intimacy, the companionship but never needed it or felt that I necessarily needed a life long companion. I was terrified of marriage which pretty much ended most of my relationships in one way or another. The only girl I kept on a pedestal most of my life was an "old flame" from my very young days who was with me through some difficult times in my life and loved me. We met back up after a decade and decided to get married in a whirlwind courtship where we really didn't get enough time to get to know each other all over again. I've changed drastically since then as she has even told me, I'm much colder and independent, and don't make her feel as if I need her as she puts it. We really never gave each other a chance to get to know each other again before getting married. It was a romantic notion that we must be meant for each other since we found each other again.

 

We've fought off and on since the beginning of our marriage. We briefly were sleeping in separate rooms about 2 weeks into the marriage as an example. I think in hindsight, I got married more as a way of trying to get that next "accomplishment" and goal that I thought was a step towards fulfillment which I never can seem to reach. Fulfillment for me would probably be ultimately found in career and/or in military service as a physician, not within my family which is a horrible thing to say but I feel it nonetheless. She has done everything most men would ever want. She keeps the house clean, she cooks and bakes and does anything she thinks would make me happy, she makes herself available for sex anytime that I desire it and she clings to me almost in a needy way in that I'm the knight who swept her up and is the only one who can take care of her. Secretly I think she feels that I'm only halfway in this marriage and asks me often if I really love her. My heart just aches when she does this because I feel that even though I was in love with her 10 years ago, I only just "love" her now and can't seem to fall back "in love" with her again. Her happiness comes from loving me and trying to make me happy, but I can't reciprocate this at all, even though I try to force myself mentally, it's completely at odds with who I am today. What a terrible thing for a husband to say.

 

We have many problems. We never have sex, or at most very rarely. This is primarily due to me. I just don't desire her sexually, nor do I think I ever really did once I got to know her again. Now that I think about it, I don't really find her physically attractive like I once did. She's in good shape though and I've had men tell me she was very attractive, of which I have no doubt. Part of it also is in how I perceive her too, I think. I thought I was marrying someone that was independent and career driven like myself who's life didn't completely revolve around me, but it's almost like her career goals and ambitions have gone out the window. She complains about work constantly and cries that she has to put up with a bad work environment though she recently got a new degree and is working in a place most new grads would kill for the opportunity to put it on their resume alone. She is so unhappy at times she insinuates quitting and not being able to "take much more of this. We argue about it constantly and to me I see someone with 2 degrees, multiple jobs that were never "ideal enough" and someone who just quits when things get tough in their job situation, rather than endure and focus on the positives. It makes me lose respect for her. I think in a way, she'd like nothing better than just quit and be a stay at home wife/mother that tends to my every need. Most men would love this but I'm just the complete opposite. We're very different, rarely have anything to talk about at the dinner table except my day or patient cases. We don't really even have a lot of the same interests. I can't talk with her about philosophy or politics or sophisticated topics because she's just not into that. She blames herself for my unhappiness because she feels that she's trying so hard to make me happy but I'm continually unhappy. Needless to say, the long hours spent at work with her alone at home do not help things. She wants and needs a husband who's life revolves in a way by wanting to make her happy. In a way, I envy and want that so badly but I can't seem to get there. The workaholic or cold machine that I've become over the years always wins out and I gain my happiness from work, not in making her happy like any good husband SHOULD feel. I feel as if I've lost respect for her and constantly wish I could re-wind time and undo getting married. I feel that she would be much happier with a man who appreciated her more than I do and was looking for a wife to take care of him and all his needs which I don't seem to have many that can be satisfied by her. It breaks my heart to say these things.

 

Sexually, I don't find her attractive at all. I don't know why this is but is probably due to the issues with my reluctance to be fully committed mentally to this marriage. Yes, I've strayed and had a briefly lived affair a few months ago. It didn't last long and didn't even mean much but I'm horrified that it even happened. I'm scared that it will happen again given the circumstance. Yes, I know I failed her and our marriage in this way and feel free to judge me as harshly as you want. Believe me, no one feels worse about it than myself. I would never tell her about it as it would do nothing more than emotionally break her and selfishly purge myself of my own guilt.

 

We've made progress in the last few weeks in finding happier moments together to do things and cuddle and I genuinely love her, but can't help feeling that I don't love her the way a husband genuinely should love his wife. I love her but feel as if she would be helpless without me. I stay with her hoping that my feelings will change and hoping that I can slowly become a different person but at my age... and the amount of marriage counseling that we've already had, I'm starting to realize just how ingrained some of my faults are. I don't know whether to go forward with a positive attitude and try to make the best of a not so great situation or whether I'm just a terrible husband and potential father and should get a divorce and stay single the rest of my life. I feel trapped every day and just unhappy. I feel as if I'm living with a roommate. We never had any sort of honeymoon bliss, only roller coaster rides of arguments and incessant head butting over issues since the beginning of our marriage. It's not always bad, we do have good moments but I can honestly say, being married was nothing like what I expected and sometimes I'm torn over whether I'm really even meant for marriage. I constantly battle over whether I should give things a shot and try to find fulfillment in marriage or whether I'm setting another innocent person up for a life filled with unhappiness, married to a shadow of a husband who is more married to work and career than to his own wife and future family. I know she deserves more. She deserves to be wanted, desired, loved unconditionally, all these things... In a way, I'd love to be the person to give those things but I've started to realize after 10 months that I don't know if it's simply a matter of "change" but a matter of whether I "can" or even "want" to change or become someone else at this stage in my life.

 

I just feel lost... The last 10 months have been very unhappy and we've both had more unhappy times than happy times but I think we both go forward with an attitude of "well...the first year is supposed to be really hard, things will just get better...". I think she hopes I will change and become someone I'm not anymore. I think she hopes for the boy she loved a decade ago who has been lost. I feel damned for failing my marriage vows and God himself so early in this marriage.

 

Should I divorce, or just keep trying to make small improvements and start trying to change myself? The very thought of the pain and suffering it would cause her through a divorce just makes me cringe as I hate the thought of hurting her so deeply. Seeing her cry just breaks my heart.

 

I don't fancy I'll get too many empathetic/sympathetic responses, so just give it to me like you see it, I can take it.

 

Thanks for reading if you took the time to. This went a lot longer than I expected but it's difficult to get all my thoughts down.

[whichwayisup]

It's going to really hurt her and it'll hurt you seeing her pain, but you just need to tell her you can't be married. Please do not tell her that you don't love her or don't find her sexually attractive. No need to make her feel insecure and get insecurities from you. Just say that the issue is yours and you're not the marrying type, that you feel trapped, your job is number one and you can't be the husband she rightfully deserves.

 

Out of respect, divorce her but do it kindly and generously. This woman adores you so do this quickly and as painless as possible, for her sake.

[whichwayisup]

lack of changing her name after marriage, etc

 

MANY women don't change their lastnames, especially if they are working and have their own career, especially if well established.

 

This never should have been an issue, but in some sense it is probably better she didn't since a D is going to happen.

 

Talk to your lawyer, draw up papers, be fair and considerate, part ways as soon as possible.

[Kelemvor]

Thank you for the comments and advice so far. All of them. I have much to think over.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Also, I could focus on things she's done that convey some of the same things such as "being on the fence", lack of changing her name after marriage, etc..

 

I beg your pardon? You keep harping about how marriage is not really important for you and about how most satisfaction comes from your work, yet you want her to change her name to yours. ??? How selfish can you be? Why do you want her to change her name to yours if you feel so cold towards her? Is it because then you can say "This is MY wife."?

 

You give your wife just some crumbs of attention and love and then you are surprised she becomes needy and insecure. It takes two to tango.

 

It sounds like you don't have what it takes to be in a really intimate relationship. That is OK. But then be honest with your wife and set her free, give her the chance to receive love from a man who has love to give.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, you should divorce her. Emotionally you are just not capable of what it takes to be in a marriage in my opinion.

 

Make it about you and not her. It is going to hurt her of course but I think it would be much better now than later. Be very fair with her financially and cut all ties with her afterwards.

[xxoo]

I agree with the above posters. You should divorce her, and take the blame. You are not cut out for marriage.

 

Neither of you is perfect (no one is), yet SHE remains loving. In the face of imperfection (reality), you cease to be loving. Free her to find someone who will return her love.

[lordWilhelm]

This is to ivyvine. I think the same advice is applicable in your situation. You're not committed to the relationship. You have cheated twice and, are in fact, cheating right now on him and don't regret it; you haven't tried working out your relationship problems with your boyfriend, so the best thing to do is break up as quickly and painlessly for him as possible.

[Nexus One]

I am in a somewhat similar situation ... at least the part where I only love my partner while he's madly in love with me. We've been together for almost seven years, the last two he has been in medical school so they have been extremely demanding and hard on our relationship. I know medical school causes a lot of breakups and I would be willing to work towards fixing the problems med school has caused if it weren't for the fact that we had numerous problems prior to him starting the program. Our sex life is AWFUL, and not because of him. K is extremely good looking, very smart and funny but for whatever reason I don't see him as I used to even three years ago. I am no longer sexually attracted to him and have actually started avoiding any kind of physical contact by working long hours or staying out into the wee hours of the morning.

 

I too have strayed, twice. I don't regret anything I have done in my life thus far, except the first time I cheated. I decided not to tell K because I thought it would be a ONE time mistake and that making him feel bad would only be helping me get rid of the guilt that was eating me away. The second time was more recently and has actually become more than I thought it would/should. The OM and I like each other very much (we have known each other for about a year) but have agreed that it will never become anything serious.

 

In any case, like I said things had been bad for a while, our problems include:

1. He does not help around the house (cleaning, etc). I understand he's in med school, but it has been like this since before he started the program.

2. Our sex life is non-existant

3. We don't have much in common anymore. We used to go out and be very social (which is one of the things I loved about him). Now he just wants to stay home all the time ... again, this started before med school.

4. I feel that he believes his time is more valuable than mine. I too am going to school AND working fulltime ... no, his time is not worth much more than mine!

5. I am very independent (parents divorced when I was fairly young and that has lead to a very different family dynamic than most) while he's kind of clingy/needy

6. Last fall my grandmother fell very ill and passed away rather quickly, and he was just not there for me emotionally.

 

I feel bad when I even think about leaving him because I know it will break his heart, but I can't stay in a relationship when I'm not happy. It's not good for either party involved, right? He takes his step one at the end of this month and then we have a trip planned so I will probably start the process after we get back. It's just so hard ... if it's the right thing to do then why do I feel so awful about it?

 

I know I didn't really answer your question - mostly I just dumped my problems onto the forum, but I am just so frustrated, sad, confused and unhappy. I am still young (mid 20s) and am not concerned about being in a partnership/relationship, I have enough going on in my life. And I kind of miss living alone. That we live together and share three cats is definitely not making this easier.

 

If you have ANY suggestions or advice that would make leaving him easier for both of us - please, share!

 

I think you should leave him for his sake. From what I'm reading I think you're an egoist.

 

1. Not helping with cleaning around the house? You call that really bad? A reason to cheat on him?

2. Not having a sex life? Well you're the one avoiding physical contact with him and cheat on him, yet you mention it as one of his "really bad faults".

3. You don't have much in common anymore. So you should cheat on him?

4. I feel that he believes his time is more valuable than mine. That's an assumption on your side.

5. In my opinion you need to be even more independent and leave him for his good.

6. Have you told him that you need him, because men can't read minds. If so and he didn't respond well, then that still isn't a reason to cheat on him. Besides, what makes you think you deserve emotional nourishment from a man you cheat on and who you avoid physical contact with? You're just confessing here that you want to (merely) use him for emotional nourishment yet YOU are cheating on him. I can't believe my ears here.

 

You make up all sorts of excuses to justify your cheating. Also, don't come up with crap like: "Oh when I leave him his heart will break". What do you think you did when you cheated on him, what do you think you're doing when you're avoiding physical contact, what do you think you're doing when you're lying to him about it all.

 

And you worry about your bloody cats? Woman, words fail me right now.

 

No this guy, this future medical practitioner is better off with someone that deserves him, someone that is worthy of him. Your behavior demonstrates that you are not that person. In my opinion it would be best to confess to him what you did and leave him to protect him from your behavior. And make sure you do the confession part, because otherwise you'll have him thinking it was his fault.

 

 

And to the OP and all people who think they're going to cheat again. Think about this. Is it logical to be in a serious relationship or to get married when you think you can't stay loyal, when you think you're going to cheat? Does that make any logical sense, is that a rational situation to place yourself into when your sex drive has such great control over you? It isn't, and the most important reason for that is that the other person is going to get hurt. I don't understand that people who love sex so much don't just say single and have casual sex. Problem solved. You get your sex and your ex gets a chance with possibly another SO that he/she deserves.

[ivyvine]

I agree I need to end it. But do want to clarify that I did try to work on it. Many times. I even tried to convince him to go to couples counseling but he just could never "find the time". I have shared my grievances and tried to work through them but it is difficult when the person you love says they will work on your relationship and then doesn't. I loved him, very much. But after so many failed attempts at rectifying the situation, I have fallen out of love.

 

And here we are. Left picking up the pieces. I just wish this process was a bit easier and not as messy. I am open to any suggestions about to how to even start the process!

 

This is to ivyvine. I think the same advice is applicable in your situation. You're not committed to the relationship. You have cheated twice and, are in fact, cheating right now on him and don't regret it; you haven't tried working out your relationship problems with your boyfriend, so the best thing to do is break up as quickly and painlessly for him as possible.

[ivyvine]

Wow. I'm glad that you are not judgemental. AT ALL.

 

I agree, what I am doing is insanely awful on a number of different levels. Trust me, I never thought I would become this person. And it is definitely not because I'm sex crazed. If that were the problem, I would have strayed a long, long time ago. Not almost seven years and a laundry list of issues in. I don't use any of the bulletpoints as excuses to cheat. There is no such thing. I was merely listing what I think has lead to the demise of our relationship/partnership.

 

I agree that my SO needs to be with someone that is more compatible with him; someone that appreciates him for all that he is and is not. I was that person at one point, but after years of feeling neglected (which I did bring up to him in the past) I have unfortunately just lost interest and the passion I once had for him.

 

And when I leave, I will most certainly not tell him that I messed up. What does he gain from my adding salt to the already open wound? I hardly think that would make him feel any better about the break up.

 

But thank you for your insights into my egoistic behavior.

 

I think you should leave him for his sake. From what I'm reading I think you're an egoist.

 

1. Not helping with cleaning around the house? You call that really bad? A reason to cheat on him?

2. Not having a sex life? Well you're the one avoiding physical contact with him and cheat on him, yet you mention it as one of his "really bad faults".

3. You don't have much in common anymore. So you should cheat on him?

4. I feel that he believes his time is more valuable than mine. That's an assumption on your side.

5. In my opinion you need to be even more independent and leave him for his good.

6. Have you told him that you need him, because men can't read minds. If so and he didn't respond well, then that still isn't a reason to cheat on him. Besides, what makes you think you deserve emotional nourishment from a man you cheat on and who you avoid physical contact with? You're just confessing here that you want to (merely) use him for emotional nourishment yet YOU are cheating on him. I can't believe my ears here.

 

You make up all sorts of excuses to justify your cheating. Also, don't come up with crap like: "Oh when I leave him his heart will break". What do you think you did when you cheated on him, what do you think you're doing when you're avoiding physical contact, what do you think you're doing when you're lying to him about it all.

 

And you worry about your bloody cats? Woman, words fail me right now.

 

No this guy, this future medical practitioner is better off with someone that deserves him, someone that is worthy of him. Your behavior demonstrates that you are not that person. In my opinion it would be best to confess to him what you did and leave him to protect him from your behavior. And make sure you do the confession part, because otherwise you'll have him thinking it was his fault.

 

 

And to the OP and all people who think they're going to cheat again. Think about this. Is it logical to be in a serious relationship or to get married when you think you can't stay loyal, when you think you're going to cheat? Does that make any logical sense, is that a rational situation to place yourself into when your sex drive has such great control over you? It isn't, and the most important reason for that is that the other person is going to get hurt. I don't understand that people who love sex so much don't just say single and have casual sex. Problem solved. You get your sex and your ex gets a chance with possibly another SO that he/she deserves.

[OldOnTheInside]

I can't tell if you're both trolling or comically selfish and uncommunicative (feel free to call me judgemental but really, there are few other words to use).

 

As everyone else has said, the two of you are too far gone for reconciliation with your spouses. You're just wasting your own time, and theirs' by leading them on.

 

Prepare to move on. Tell them that they need to move on.

Edited June 4, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[Nexus One]

Wow. I'm glad that you are not judgemental. AT ALL.

 

But thank you for your insights into my egoistic behavior.

 

I gave you a firm (and probably judgmental) reply, because I thought you needed to hear an unsugarcoated version of your behavior and not sympathy like you expected to get.

 

You mentioned you aren't sorry for what you did, except for the first time you cheated, well that just demonstrates to me that you have twisted in your mind in such a way that you do justify it. Because:

 

a) You cheated on him a SECOND time, even though you say you are sorry for the first time.

 

b) You don't feel sorry for the second time.

 

I'm not buying your version where you say you aren't justifying it, you provide arguments as to why you think your relationship went sour and use that as a foundation for your argumentation, you in fact repeated the very thing you say you are sorry for. Who the f*ck do you think you are fooling here?

 

 

And when I leave, I will most certainly not tell him that I messed up. What does he gain from my adding salt to the already open wound? I hardly think that would make him feel any better about the break up.

 

And yet another demonstration of why I think you are displaying egoistic and selfish behavior. If you don't tell him what you did, he might end up blaming himself for letting the relationship fail, yet it was you who cheated. If you have the bloody guts to cheat on someone, let alone multiple times, then you better have the guts to confess it to them so that they can move on.

 

But I get the feeling my words here don't carry a lot of weight for you, because your focus seems to be on yourself and those bloody cats, not on anyone else.

[Els]

OP, have you ever examined your thread of thought? You lost respect for her because she 'easily thinks of quitting her job', but you are the one to have an affair before even trying to mend the marriage, and also are thinking of divorce after 10 months. Do you not see the hypocrisy here? You are both quitters, just in different ways. And frankly I think more poorly of someone who gives up easily on a marriage than a job. One can easily hold many jobs in a lifetime. Not so with marriages.

 

Also, you want an independent career woman, and yet you want her to take your name? Why? Are you for independence and equality or not? That is not to say that there are no independent career women willing to change their names, but simply put, for a man to require both, is hypocrisy. Why should she change her name for yours when she is expected to be every bit as professional and career-driven as you, the man? That also makes me wonder - you say she does all the cooking, cleaning, etc. Where is your contribution in the house? Do you think that might contribute to her discouragement with work, having to work full time and then come back to ALL the housework?

 

I think you should leave him for his sake. From what I'm reading I think you're an egoist.

 

1. Not helping with cleaning around the house? You call that really bad? A reason to cheat on him?

2. Not having a sex life? Well you're the one avoiding physical contact with him and cheat on him, yet you mention it as one of his "really bad faults".

3. You don't have much in common anymore. So you should cheat on him?

4. I feel that he believes his time is more valuable than mine. That's an assumption on your side.

5. In my opinion you need to be even more independent and leave him for his good.

6. Have you told him that you need him, because men can't read minds. If so and he didn't respond well, then that still isn't a reason to cheat on him. Besides, what makes you think you deserve emotional nourishment from a man you cheat on and who you avoid physical contact with? You're just confessing here that you want to (merely) use him for emotional nourishment yet YOU are cheating on him. I can't believe my ears here.

 

You make up all sorts of excuses to justify your cheating. Also, don't come up with crap like: "Oh when I leave him his heart will break". What do you think you did when you cheated on him, what do you think you're doing when you're avoiding physical contact, what do you think you're doing when you're lying to him about it all.

 

And you worry about your bloody cats? Woman, words fail me right now.

 

No this guy, this future medical practitioner is better off with someone that deserves him, someone that is worthy of him. Your behavior demonstrates that you are not that person. In my opinion it would be best to confess to him what you did and leave him to protect him from your behavior. And make sure you do the confession part, because otherwise you'll have him thinking it was his fault.

 

 

And to the OP and all people who think they're going to cheat again. Think about this. Is it logical to be in a serious relationship or to get married when you think you can't stay loyal, when you think you're going to cheat? Does that make any logical sense, is that a rational situation to place yourself into when your sex drive has such great control over you? It isn't, and the most important reason for that is that the other person is going to get hurt. I don't understand that people who love sex so much don't just say single and have casual sex. Problem solved. You get your sex and your ex gets a chance with possibly another SO that he/she deserves.

 

 

Oh come on. The poster you quoted was wrong for cheating, but that doesn't mean her partner is faultless too. Nothing excuses cheating, correct. But you cannot use her cheating (which he probably does not know about) to justify his faults, on the other hand. The guy never helps around the house, is emotionally unsupportive, isn't interested in sex. He may not 'deserve' to be cheated on, but he sure as hell doesn't sound like a great catch either, the way you make him out to be.

Edited June 5, 2011 by Elswyth

[Nexus One]

But you cannot use her cheating (which he probably does not know about) to justify his faults, on the other hand.

 

Nowhere did I use her cheating to justify his faults. Reread my reply, you're way off there. I simply stated, that despite his faults, like not cleaning around the house, it isn't fair to use that as a justification to cheat or to use it as a bedding for argumentation in favor of cheating on him.

[Kelemvor]

OP, have you ever examined your thread of thought? You lost respect for her because she 'easily thinks of quitting her job', but you are the one to have an affair before even trying to mend the marriage, and also are thinking of divorce after 10 months. Do you not see the hypocrisy here? You are both quitters, just in different ways. And frankly I think more poorly of someone who gives up easily on a marriage than a job. One can easily hold many jobs in a lifetime. Not so with marriages.

 

Also, you want an independent career woman, and yet you want her to take your name? Why? Are you for independence and equality or not? That is not to say that there are no independent career women willing to change their names, but simply put, for a man to require both, is hypocrisy. Why should she change her name for yours when she is expected to be every bit as professional and career-driven as you, the man? That also makes me wonder - you say she does all the cooking, cleaning, etc. Where is your contribution in the house? Do you think that might contribute to her discouragement with work, having to work full time and then come back to ALL the housework?

 

 

 

 

Oh come on. The poster you quoted was wrong for cheating, but that doesn't mean her partner is faultless too. Nothing excuses cheating, correct. But you cannot use her cheating (which he probably does not know about) to justify his faults, on the other hand. The guy never helps around the house, is emotionally unsupportive, isn't interested in sex. He may not 'deserve' to be cheated on, but he sure as hell doesn't sound like a great catch either, the way you make him out to be.

 

I find it quite interesting that you attack me, the male, who confessed to cheating while defending the female, who confessed to cheating more than once. You're a feminist and a bigot. Yes, I expect a woman to take the name of her husband as has been done for centuries in almost every culture. What, independent women are insulted now by having to take the name of their husbands? What the hell do you need marriage for then? How incredibly claustrophobic and demeaning. If you want all the legal benefits and security that comes from law, then you abide by the traditions of the law which include taking your husbands name.

 

You're assumptions on my lack of domestication skills clearly is attitude displacement, perhaps from your own home life? Funny how I got screamed at other day for trying to "help" by washing a load of laundry. Her reasoning? "Why can't I give her one thing that's her own thing to take care of around this house?" I'm damned if I wash a load of laundry, damned if I wash one with her clothes in it because I do it wrong, damned if I wash a load of my own without hers in it because I wasn't considerate enough, damned if I wash dishes by hand because obviously dishes are supposed to go in the dish washer and don't wash them because I obviously don't know how to do it properly, ad nauseum. Woman please, I'm a full time practicing physician with less free time than most and I STILL try to help out around the house as well as do all the yard work rather than pay someone to do it. What I have on my hands is a miserable wife who does nothing but complain and focus on everything negative in her life instead of the positives. Misery invites misery and I'm tired of being around someone who is miserable all the time, period. It's disheartening to know that you're married to someone who is so easily robbed of joy because they never focus on the positive things in their life. Maybe some of you relish the thought of remaining in unhappy marriages with unhappy people simply for the sake of tenacity, resilience and societal expectations, but I didn't marry to be unhappy.

 

Obviously, I'm no saint. I've confessed to my priest and ended the affair and continue to pray for guidance in my situation but I'm so sick of this feminism tainted sense of entitlement and reflexive tendency to judge all men as chauvinists.

[Dust]

You’re really losing respect for yourself for living out this false persona. You’d be better off just randomly dating women you find attractive in a non-serious non committed way until maybe one day you feel different. (which you may never) You’ve disrespected yourself by putting yourself in the dishonest position of having no care for the relationship that you should care for. Realize that this is about you not your wife. Yes you should divorce her for your sake. (and it will also help her out too)

[SunKnight]

This is my first post, having been divorced an re-married, I thought I could lend some insight.

 

Is your wife the only long-term relationship you have had with a woman? Have you found other woman interested in dating YOU and committing to a relationship with you?

 

The reason why I ask is that you seem like a fairly intense person, and frankly, if you do have trouble maintaining relationships "in general", you may not want to divorce a woman who seems committed to you. Perhaps I am absolutely wrong on that, I have no idea, though you describe yourself as so consumed by your career that you do not have time for relationships, but here is a woman who married you and says she loves you and wants to have sex with you.

 

I think as people get older relatiosnships are best approached like "arranged marriages", Waiting for the "ideal" works for a lucky few and most of us find love by working at it.

 

Having said that, if on the other hand you have other options that are enticing to you, like young available nurses, or whatever, and you have had other relationships that have been more satisfying to you, than you do have a hard decision to make, your marriage is quite undeveloped in many ways and in need of nurturing.

[Stung]

Yes, I expect a woman to take the name of her husband as has been done for centuries in almost every culture. What, independent women are insulted now by having to take the name of their husbands? What the hell do you need marriage for then? How incredibly claustrophobic and demeaning. If you want all the legal benefits and security that comes from law, then you abide by the traditions of the law which include taking your husbands name.

 

 

Yes, I suppose I would feel insulted if I HAD to take my husband's name. Those centuries of tradition stem from the tradition where women were basically chattel, and I don't consider myself chattel. I have a great name of my very own, I love my husband dearly and plan to be by his side for the rest of my life--as his partner, not his possession. I need him and our marriage because I love him, and because we have made children together and are working together to raise them and build a future together, as partners. My husband needs me and our marriage for the exact same reasons. I'm not sure how you could possibly construe this as claustrophobic or demeaning to either one of us, and I'm not sure why I would need him just for a name, so your question is genuinely weird to me. I wanted the legal benefits of marriage, but so did my husband. It's fine if we choose to, but why should either of us be forced to change a name? Or judged negatively if we keep the one we were born with? Different people associate different values with names and traditions, yours is not the only valid association.

 

In any case, it's fine for you to have a different opinion on this subject than mine or than your wife--although I personally think it would behoove you to remember that it is simply an opinion without force of law or moral rectitude behind it. It would have also been fine if you had chosen to make that one of your marriage dealbreakers, and told your wife it was so important to you that you wouldn't marry without it. Where it gets messed up, and what some people are finding so rich, is when you use it as an excuse to justify your emotional distancing, disrespect and infidelity, and blame-shift by calling the injured party a "fence-sitter" as if it somehow excuses the sad state your marriage has fallen into.

 

I would agree with an above poster who mentioned that you seem rather intense--you also seem rather unforgiving, at least in your posts.

 

Have you spoken to your wife yet about your dissatisfaction? Made any plans for the future?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I love her but feel as if she would be helpless without me.

 

Oh, come on. You had a "whirlwind courtship" and then got hitched, which has only lasted for 10 months. The two of you have not even been involved in each others' lives for more than a year. If she wasn't "helpless" last year, she's not going to be "helpless" next month when you dump her.

 

Except, I think this is another lackluster fictional tale.