Life seems meaningless now....

[RuinedLife]

I realise this is going to sound incredibly pathetic. But my life seems completely meaningless without my ex, as I invested far too much of myself in the relationship and I depended on my ex far too much to make me happy.

 

And that alone is enough reason for me to hate myself, but its worse than that, as I also destroyed the relationship with my insecurities. So now my self esteem is at rock bottom and I feel no reason to do anything anymore. Existence is just never ending heartbreak, regret and despair for me now. And my ex was my best friend, my only real friend so I'm completely lost without him.

 

I know I've posted a lot lately. And I'm sorry if it seems excessive. But I've just been in a really dark place recently and I keep trying to escape from this despair pit I've fallen into, but seems I just keep slipping back down and failing.

 

And reaching out to people on here seems like the only thing I can do to try and help myself right now. I've tried so many things to escape this despair, pills, self help books, distraction techniques, getting therapy, clinging to family. But after 3 months I still feel trapped in the past, unable to forgive myself.

 

I guess maybe I'm just too weak to get through this, that survival of the fittest applies when coping with loss, regret, depression and weak people like me just can't cut it in life. I just feel like such a burden to everyone around me.

 

And I really wish I could find away to forgive myself so I can start to get better instead of constantly punishing myself for all my mistakes.

Edited June 3, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Nohbody]

That's not what survival of the fittest means. Darwin would be ashamed.

 

But seriousness aside, everyone heals at their own pace. Everyone on here can empathize with how you are feeling, and you are not alone. You know what you have to do to make yourself happier, stronger, and more confident (unless you haven't been combing these boards regularly), so don't waste time! You can make it through this, just don't give up on yourself.

[Exit]

I know how you feel, and despite the fact that I spend most of the day on here dishing out advice to everyone else, I was just on the phone with my mother for an hour telling her I'm too weak to do this, that even when I try to get motivated and tell myself to get in shape and get back on track, even as those words are coming out of my mouth part of me knows I'm lying because I am just too weak. People tell me I've been dumped before and made it through, and I say "Yeah, but I don't view them as all separate situations. It's one chain of events. I lost a girl 2 years ago that hurt me so badly, then I fought to recover, then I dated a few people and realized it would never be the same, then last year I met someone who made me realize I could love someone that much again, and now that person is gone too". It's been one exhaustive process, I can't just look at it as "I've survived this before" or "I have proof that that kind of love can happen more than once and it will again". Truth is I have not survived this before. I've survived being dumped once, and then I survived being dumped twice, but now I am trying to survive being dumped for the fourth or fifth time. This is not something I have survived before. This all adds up, this is different. Pain on top of pain.

 

I know in these dark hours the slightest IDEA that things can even get better or that we'll be happy again just seem laughable or disgusting. But you know what, it is going to happen. Even if we don't want it to. Even if we wanted to love these exes forever and miss them every day, we won't, inevitably some day in the future you'll go about your business without even realizing that you haven't thought of them yet that day.

 

Some people believe it's up to time to heal. Others believe that's nonsense and that you have to actively heal yourself. It's a combination, but I do lean more towards time. I've been in situations before where I did the exact opposite of healing, I checked her Facebook and wondered about her for over a year, and even torturing myself like that, the day still came where suddenly I was feeling better.

[sun_moon]

You are NOT a burden to your loved ones, you are loved and treasured. Stop blaming yourself, you will get through this you will see.

Taking action means progress even if the feeling of despair is clouding you.

You are only what you make yourself to be.

You CAN be strong, you have to will it, yes you can.

 

Keep Repeating I am strong I will get through this.....And one day you will feel it And another day you will BELIEVE IT.

 

Don't ever give up

[shortee143]

It is amazing how one single person ceases to be apart of our life, and it just seems to trigger a domino effect, and make us feel worthless in every way. DON'T think of yourself as worthless, DON'T let someone bring you so down.

 

It is hard, I had my heart broke in 2010, and again in 2011. Only 2 times in my life thus far (ugh 2 times is enough). And I remember when it happened in 2011 back in March, I broke down. I was like this can't be happening again, it can't, I can't deal again, etc. But alas, i have decided I will not let this break me. Inside am I still devastated, yes. Do I have to make a conscious effort daily, yes. Don't blame yourself, change yourself. You ex is one person, out of 6 billion on this earth, you have more worth than you are giving yourself credit for. You can get through this!

[RuinedLife]

Firstly, thank you so much for the support and kind comments everyone! Really appreciate them! As I feel so lonely right now and knowing that people here can relate really helps me feel to not so alone.

 

 

It is amazing how one single person ceases to be apart of our life, and it just seems to trigger a domino effect, and make us feel worthless in every way. DON'T think of yourself as worthless, DON'T let someone bring you so down.

 

One person has let me down in truly unforgivable ways. But its not my ex, its myself. And that is why I'm struggling so much, because I don't blame my ex for leaving me, I blame myself for causing my ex to leave me... In other words I feel as though I have betrayed myself.. I have left myself... And this is why I feel so utterly worthless now. Because by causing this break up I feel I have abandoned myself and sabotaged my life beyond repair.

[RuinedLife]

Sorry I know I shouldn't bump my own thread. But I'm just struggling so much now.

 

I can't stop despairing. I just hate myself so much. And my family is fed up of me. Everyone is fed up with me it seems. I used to go to a depression chat room but I got banned from that even.

 

I just feel so worthless, so pathetic and so completely alone.

 

I'm just stuck in the past all the time, desperate to change what I did, but of course I never can and I can't forgive myself for ruining my relationship.

[Kodo]

 

One person has let me down in truly unforgivable ways. But its not my ex, its myself. And that is why I'm struggling so much, because I don't blame my ex for leaving me, I blame myself for causing my ex to leave me... In other words I feel as though I have betrayed myself.. I have left myself... And this is why I feel so utterly worthless now. Because by causing this break up I feel I have abandoned myself and sabotaged my life beyond repair.

 

Wouldn't a mature person be able to see this, distance themselves from it and help solve it? Isn't that what relationships are about?

 

You're the one who fell down and dropped everything but the other person is pretending to be worse for it?

[RuinedLife]

Wouldn't a mature person be able to see this, distance themselves from it and help solve it? Isn't that what relationships are about?

 

You're the one who fell down and dropped everything but the other person is pretending to be worse for it?

 

I'm sorry I'm not sure what you mean exactly?

[shortee143]

Firstly, thank you so much for the support and kind comments everyone! Really appreciate them! As I feel so lonely right now and knowing that people here can relate really helps me feel to not so alone.

 

 

 

 

One person has let me down in truly unforgivable ways. But its not my ex, its myself. And that is why I'm struggling so much, because I don't blame my ex for leaving me, I blame myself for causing my ex to leave me... In other words I feel as though I have betrayed myself.. I have left myself... And this is why I feel so utterly worthless now. Because by causing this break up I feel I have abandoned myself and sabotaged my life beyond repair.

 

 

I'm sorry you are down on YOURSELF. We all make mistakes, we all want to go back and wish we did things differently, gosh I know I do. I know you think your life is beyond repair, but it is not. Take this time to figure out all you are blaming yourself for or all the mistakes you made, and learn from them, so next time around, you wont make them. I know you say you are at fault for the breakup, but at the least, learn something from it. I can see you are angry at yourself, but we cant change the past. A lot of people go thru the self blame game when an ex leaves, and in your case, you are acknowledging that you made mistakes. You'll be ok, promise. No one is perfect

[Ross MwcFan]

Just try to keep in mind that as time passes it will get eaiser.

[stray]

I have felt this way before. As we all have. The light of relief is around the corner, you just can't see it yet. After my break up with my fiance of 5 years (about 3 years ago), I totally broke down. I think I cried for about 3 months straight. I started drinking (a lot), got a DUI, almost failed out of school, and just let my whole life go to sh*t. But then I realized, I didn't truly miss the person I was ruining my life over. I missed my comfort, I missed him needing me, I missed my self-esteem that was contingent on his love. I missed the confirmation that I was good enough. I didn't miss the push-pull game, the me feeling psycho, the me feeling guilty over things I didn't really do, or the instability. Right now you are in full control, whether or not you know it. The test before you, is whether or not you can give yourself comfort, self-esteem, and love; and not need it from someone else, especially from someone who was probably treating you like garbage, whether or not you recognize that yet.

 

One day, I decided "f**k this", and I decided I was going to put my life together one thing at a time. Every day I set goals - "today you will do the dishes", "today you will call that friend you've been meaning to call for a year", "today you will get started on that paper you were suppose to start two months ago". It was literally, baby steps. And now, I'm in graduate school, I have a job I love and a fantastic home, and I'm single. But my self-esteem is still there because I know I earned all of this. No one's approval bought me my comfort. I made it, it's mine. You need to earn your comfort, and make it YOURS. So no one can take it away from you, ever again. The ex I almost ruined my life over called me 2 years later, after some failed relationship. And you know what I told him? Did I tell him I loved him and wanted him back and I was so sorry for not being perfect? Nope. I told him to f**k off, and it felt great.

 

Your strength to get through this is already in your mind, in your goals, in your aspirations, in your faith in yourself. Go get it.

[RuinedLife]

Everytime reality hits me, and I think my ex is really gone forever and I caused it I have a panic (anxiety) attack and I wake up frequently in a panic when I realize my nightmares are real and my dreams are no longer reality.

 

I feel so scared, so alone. My life is so empty without my best friend to share it with, without my ex bf by my side.

[stray]

Yes, we've all been there. You wake up, and the first thing you do is try to remember what's wrong with reality. Oh yeah, your ex is gone. And then you freak out. It can't be real right? It must be a nightmare? A living nightmare?

 

Nope, it's real. But this feeling of panic isn't permanent, I promise. Are the people in Japan waking up every day going "omg, I can't believe my home is destroyed and half my family is dead". Probably not anymore. The shock wore off, and now they're "dealing with" with change. The shock will wear off for you too, and you will deal with the change. The best way to force yourself to deal with it sooner rather than later, is to change your routine and then have no choice but to deal with your ex not being a part of your new routine. That may not make sense to you now, but it will make sense eventually. I suggest you enroll in a summer class. Something that will actually force you to get your sh*t together and start thinking about something else. People can say "oh hang out with friends" or "do yoga" or something. But you can get flip-floppy on all of that and revert back to "omg my ex is gone". Take a GE class that will require you to meet deadlines. This is no BS advice either, I'm serious, do it. You'll see in a couple months why this is good advice.

[Fedor]

Everytime reality hits me, and I think my ex is really gone forever and I caused it I have a panic (anxiety) attack and I wake up frequently in a panic when I realize my nightmares are real and my dreams are no longer reality.

 

I feel so scared, so alone. My life is so empty without my best friend to share it with, without my ex bf by my side.

 

I know the feeling. Believe in me. But have you considered seeing a doctor?

[RuinedLife]

I know the feeling. Believe in me. But have you considered seeing a doctor?

 

Yes I'm on anti-anxiety/ anti-depressant medication.

 

I think I may be slightly delusional though, because I lose myself so much in the past, sometimes I start thinking my ex is coming to visit me again, when of course he's not.

 

So you are right I really need to go back and see the doctor again because feels like if anything my depression, anxiety etc is getting worse everyday and not better.

[RuinedLife]

Its been over 3 months since my break up now and there has been barely any let up in my anxious despairing feelings it seems

 

I'm hoping to see my doctor again soon, so I can tell them all the dark thoughts and feelings I've been having... but for now I'm just so lost and alone, words can't describe. Also the shock of the break up and denial has never left me. If anything I feel I'm becoming more delusional everyday, with thoughts of my ex's return

 

I just don't have any idea how to cope with these overwhelmingly emotionally crippling feelings

[Fedor]

Yes I'm on anti-anxiety/ anti-depressant medication.

 

I think I may be slightly delusional though, because I lose myself so much in the past, sometimes I start thinking my ex is coming to visit me again, when of course he's not.

 

So you are right I really need to go back and see the doctor again because feels like if anything my depression, anxiety etc is getting worse everyday and not better.

Could be the medication that is making it worse. Is it stong stuff or weak stuff like citalopram?

[hopeless_case]

ruinedlife,

 

i feel the exact same way....it's been over 5 months for me, and i have made no progress at all.....i just feel guilt and resentment every single day. i'm so angry with myself that i ruined my whole life.....i'm starting to fail school, i have pushed away all my friends, and feel so alone all the time. I enjoy nothing in life anymore. It hurts to bad still and i feel like i'm getting worse. I feel as time goes on, he is forgetting me. I was such a happy go lucky girl, with no worries in the world. now, i have such low self-esteem. I don't even leave my house b/c i'm afraid i'll see him or run into his friends. He knows practically EVERYONE. He still keeps in contact with me b/c he wants to be "friends". My next option is just to move away and see if i can get better. I'm trying to tell myself not to ruin my life over this man, but it gets so hard.

[RuinedLife]

ruinedlife,

 

i feel the exact same way....it's been over 5 months for me, and i have made no progress at all.....i just feel guilt and resentment every single day. i'm so angry with myself that i ruined my whole life.....i'm starting to fail school, i have pushed away all my friends, and feel so alone all the time. I enjoy nothing in life anymore. It hurts to bad still and i feel like i'm getting worse. I feel as time goes on, he is forgetting me. I was such a happy go lucky girl, with no worries in the world. now, i have such low self-esteem. I don't even leave my house b/c i'm afraid i'll see him or run into his friends. He knows practically EVERYONE. He still keeps in contact with me b/c he wants to be "friends". My next option is just to move away and see if i can get better. I'm trying to tell myself not to ruin my life over this man, but it gets so hard.

 

I feel so you so so much. I feel like my ex went cold on me months ago and completely cut me off despite trying to be "friends" with me and I feel I'm at the same point if not a worse point then I was at during the initial break up week.

 

I have this incredible hatred for myself and it never goes away. With each day it almost seems to intensify. Everyday I wake up in a panic as I know my ex must be forgetting me more and more each day and moving on as if I never existed. That thought is destroying me inside as my denial of the situation has been the only thing that has kept me going this far.

[RuinedLife]

I just woke up in a panic again

 

I keep having really vivid dreams about my ex bf and it sets me back every single day. And then I have vivid thoughts about my ex all day no matter how much I try to distract myself

[RuinedLife]

I really hope I don't have to wait to much longer for closure and therapy because this depression and denial is seriously affecting my health.

 

I barely slept at all last night, woke up in a panic after having some horribly vivid nightmares about my ex, don't want to eat at all and just have no energy or motivation to do everything.

 

I'm basically just waiting for my ex to get back in contact with me when its most likely futile and I know its a terrible thing to do.

 

I hope I can see the doctor tomorrow because I am really worried about my health now and my state of mind. Its really unsettling me just how bad I feel and all the dark thoughts I'm having because of how hopeless and worthless I feel.

[stray]

You're clearly obsessed/infatuated with your ex. When you see your doctor, you should explain this. It's possible you have some kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder. You have fixated on someone who provides absolutely no value to your life.

 

If you ever want to be completely over your ex, you need to truly believe that you don't need him. No bolt of lightning is going to come down and strike confidence into you, ever. You have to do all the work. If you're at the bottom, then you need to start from the bottom. Have you ever had to do that? Or in the past has someone (parents?) or something swooped down and "made it all better" without you having to do the work? Well, this is a whole different story. No one can get inside your head and do all the work for you. You have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get movin'. The first thing you need to come to terms with is that the new life you're moving towards will not include your ex. There is no room for him and his BS. So you need to break the habit of thinking about him. That's what it is, it's a bad habit. Think of those people on those "strange addiction" TV shows that eat thier own hair or have an obsession with plastic surgery. Well you're doing the same thing, you have an obsession with thinking about your ex. You probably don't even really care about him anymore; you're obsessed with the fantasy. This is just as bad as a drug addiction, or any addiction. So first, you need to realize this addiction must go and you need to accept that it must go FOR GOOD. You have to "break up" with your obsession. Can you handle it?

[RuinedLife]

You're clearly obsessed/infatuated with your ex. When you see your doctor, you should explain this. It's possible you have some kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder. You have fixated on someone who provides absolutely no value to your life.

 

If you ever want to be completely over your ex, you need to truly believe that you don't need him.

 

I know I'm completely obsessed with my ex. But its more than just that because I'm also obsessed with the whole break up and the mistakes I made that caused it.

 

Its as it I went against all my instincts and said things to him that I would never normally have said and now regret incessantly. Its like I'm stuck at the moment of the break up, the moment before the break up even that triggered the whole break up process and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to forgive myself and because of this I feel I deserve to suffer this pain, even though I don't want to.

 

Also its been over 3 months now, so part of me believes that I don't need him and that I could live without him, but I still can't forgive myself for pushing him away when it could have so easily been avoided.

 

I don't know if this makes any sense, but all these thoughts are swirling around in my brain on a never ending loop.

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

It does make sense but you have put your ex up on a pedestal...you're blaming your own behavior for something he was also a part of.

 

so what...you were controlling, needy, insecure, etc. we all are at some point. He may have done something or not done something to trigger those reactions in you.

 

 

But here is my advice to you, the worst thing, absolute worst thing you can give to someone who feels as though they've lost everything is to give them something broken.

 

What you and your ex have is broken..its done..its damaged. Giving that back to you..is a terrible idea. What would someone who just lost their house in a fire do with a broken toaster?

 

So instead of thinking about this the way you have been you need to think about this the way it really is....you are unhealthy right now...you are not able to function in a healthy relationship. You have a cold and your ex has the flu....if you keep in contact all you're gonna do is get each other sick back and forth and no one will be healthy.

 

so you take this time and you get healthy....you cant be with him like this anyway. it wouldn't work. its broken! in order for the two of you to ever be together again you would both have to be healthy...and you're not. we don't know if he is but i doubt it.

 

work on yourself, regain emotional stability. no one wants a b/f or g/f whose life depends on you....thats too much pressure to have. way too much.

 

he doesn't want to be your world he wants to be an awesome part of your world.

 

you made him your entire world and so of course you're in pain now cause you lost your world. thats why its a terrible idea to not have your own life while youre with someone else.

 

so make friends, develop and deeped friendships, focus on school/work whatever, get in shape, clean your place and get your life together. no one wants to be with a miserable self-hating person...and YOU don't want to be that person.

 

thing is....once you get your life together and become healthy you may realize you love yourself enough not to go back into what you had with him.

 

another thing, dont do this cause you think he will come back, even though he may, its not your job to do this for him..you are doing this for you. if you want any shot of happiness with a future partner you have to do this for you.

 

dont contact your ex...you already let him know you're his door mat and he can swipe his feet on you. enough of that.

 

dont contact him and get him our of your system (get the drug out of your system) don't look at pics of him, his fb, his old texts, card etc) get rid of all that and either throw away or store away from your sight.

 

then work on you and you will see this will move forward and you will be okay. but you have to start.

 

now who are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? you need a psychologist and you need to process through why this is all going on and what you're doing that needs to change (even though i pointed it out here)

 

the meds youre taking arent going to help you unless you help yourself. they arent miracle pills...what they are is to stabilize the chemicals in your brain but that's not going to work if you're staying in the same state of mind.

 

you have dreams and nightmares of your ex because you keep thinking about him.

 

think of it this way if you were sitting in your room and you hear someone outside laughing you can either ignore it and keep doing what you're doing OR you can stop and think (who is that, whats so funny, are they laughing at me, etc) and that's how the thought grows.

 

so what you're doing is "what;s he doing, who is he with, does he love me, does he miss me, if only i had done this, or if only we could do that, if we ever get back i'm gonna do this and this, i would be so happy if he were to come over, the day he calls me i will do this, i will wear this is i ever see him, etc" YOURE keeping him alive in your mind, your soul, etc.

 

so what you need to do is the next time you think of him which is every single second...dont feed the thought...tell yourself OUT LOUD "HE IS GONE I NEED TO WORK ON MYSELF NOW" "THIS WILL PASS" "I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT HIM" "MY NEW FOCUS IS ON ME" "HE'S NOT SITTING THERE CRYING FOR ME SO I WILL NOT SIT HERE AND CRY FOR HIM" "I"M BETTER THAN THIS" "WHO CARES WHAT HE IS DOING" "IT DOESNT MATTER WHO HE IS WITH" "I AM NOT A FORTUNE TELLER" "I NEED TO WORK ON ME" "I AM WORTH IT" "I WILL GET A JOB" (or whatever)...remind yourself of your goals and do not DO NOT do not start fantasizing about him cause you will send yourself into a spiral.

 

Hope you listen to all this cause it's really your ONLY solution. you keep doing the same thing and guess what more months will pass and you will feel this same way. you're keeping yourself in a pit and not letting yourself out.

 

"I WILL LET MYSELF OUT OF THIS PIT" "I WILL GET MYSELF OUT" "I AM GETTING OUT" "I AM OUT"