Why so consumed with the past? Why lie about proposal?

[Econ_Dagney]

Hi all,

 

I am currently very happily married to a man with a past... He used to treat women like crap, and walked all over his ex-wife because she let him. My question pertains to her behavior and the friendly relationship she "hopes" to have with my husband. I just don't understand exactly what she wants.

 

The facts...

I have been corresponding with her lately about her daughter (my husband's former step-child), and in these emails/letters the ex talks about the past a lot. Every time we communicate she talks/writes about how my husband cheated on her repeatedly, and how she kept forgiving him (okay), and how he is the only father her daughter has ever known (she's 17 now and he hasn't seen her in at least 4 years). The ex-wife and her daughter are still hurt, and somewhat angry over the divorce, (I was not the cause, but I did come into the picture soon after and I didn't know that they were talking about reconciling shortly before he met me).

His ex-wife and I started corresponding because the whole situation with her and her daughter was really starting to make me uncomfortable since she within the past year (like right after my daughter was born) started putting things like "I'll always love you/always care about you/I miss you" in every email she sent to my husband. Sometimes she would clarify these statements and say "I don't want you back or anything like that". Is this how divorced people sometimes feel about their former spouses?

When I asked her about this point blank she said she does still care about him, but only as a friend and that they will always be in each other's lives because of her daughter (remember not his biological child). I would be fine with his tie to her daughter except that...

Her daughter has refused to meet me because she blames me for them not getting back together since in her mind her mom and "her dad" would have gotten back together if he hadn't fallen in love with his girlfriend (me)-since him being with me was like him still cheating on her mom- even though they were already divorced (the mom and daughter are catholic). I don't mind them being friends or staying in touch, but I don't like people trying to make him feel bad for things he can't change. He did the best he could by them by leaving her mom instead of continuing to cheat indefinitely.

The ex-step-daughter is also angry because his family basically dumped her after the divorce-they chose his side because right or wrong he is related to them, and because my husband and I have had a daughter of our own (his only biological child). I know the ex-wife's daughter feels like she and her mother have been replaced in his heart. I try not to judge the daughter too harshly because I know she is suffering. For the most part I have tried to let my husband deal with this, but I have had to talk to the ex-wife recently because as I said she was doing things that made me feel a little uncomfortable. Now the ex and her daughter keep focusing on things that my husband did 7-14 years ago (affairs), and also focusing on how he has not been making any effort to maintain more than an email/birthday/Christmas father-daughter relationship with ex's daughter after divorce. Are they stuck in the past? Was he wrong for not putting in more of an effort, or giving the ex's daughter more of a relationship than he actually wanted with her? What do other divorced people think?

 

Also, his ex-wife has mentioned a couple of times how my husband proposed to her right after she graduated from university. That never happened. He never proposed. She proposed to him twice before he actually accepted. I've seen proof of his version of events - that she shirked convention and proposed. I saw old cards from her daughter to him saying she hoped he would accept her mom's proposal and be her dad. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with her being the one to propose because there isn't anything wrong with that, but why lie? Why would she lie about it?

Is it to make her feel like she was more important to him than she really was? I'm not saying that she wasn't important to him-he didn't always treat her the best, but I know that she did matter to him and that he would like to remain friends (at least email contact friends).

Does anyone else find this whole thing a bit bizarre? Or, is this just the nature of things when you are involved in a modern relationship?

I'm really just trying to find out what these 2 actually want from us because I don't know. If what they want is him and their family back, that's not something I can give them. If they are trying to assert their ownership because they were there first, okay, and? He left and then instead of going back, he decided to do a complete 180 in this relationship and be better man because he didn't want to hurt another person the way he hurt the ex. If he did treat me badly or cheat, then I would forgive and I would leave- believe me when I say that he knows where I stand on this issue. I just don't understand what his ex-family wants from his next-family.

Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I can't ask those 2 directly? And, I am always friendly, but I honestly am not sure what (if any) kind of relationship my daughter and I should have with the 2 of them.

[coolheadal]

My question to you is? Why are you talking to her and trying to dig into areas you shouldn't be going into. That happen in the past with him and her. You wasn't in the picture yet. Now you are. But if he has abusive past then that might effect you too. Just have a 3rd eye on him and watch out.

[Econ_Dagney]

I'm not the one whose digging. I only asked her what her feelings were towards him straight up because her saying I love you /miss you/will always care about you- (after our child was born) to my husband made me uncomfortable. I didn't ask her about the past, she just keeps telling me about it. Also, he has not ever been violent with women. My husband's bad behavior consisted of being a selfish player and not caring about who he hurt. He broke a lot of hearts...back in the day. Now, he does everything in his power to prove that he is dedicated. I'd probably say that he is overly cautious because of his past he doesn't want me to think that way about him.

Thank you.

Edited June 3, 2011 by Econ_Dagney

[Steen719]

In my humble opinion, I think it would be better to let him deal with her and let him tell her that their communication should be between them (husband and ex-w) and limited to talking about his ex-step-child. If the ex-sd wants to see him, you should be there. I don't think you should engage with her anymore.

 

He should have the relationship he wants with the xsd and that is that. Some people do. My brother has a good relationship with his ex-step children, but they are grown and married. They really liked him and he did a lot for them. However, they hold no ill will towards him for leaving their mother (actually, mutual).

 

"He used to treat women like crap, and walked all over his ex-wife because she let him." That sort of caught my eye, though. People who treat people like crap because they can may be worth watching! That doesn't sound right.

 

Good luck.

[Econ_Dagney]

Of course, I'm the one whose considered the bad guy. I never asked him to stay away. It was a choice he made to not be involved because ex-wife was harassing family members about our relationship when we first got together. Being involved with her daughter meant being more involved with her and that is something he was not interested in doing. Also, he did not want the financial responsibility. I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but he paid off a lot of his ex-wife's debts when they were together and paid for a lot of stuff for her daughter (including private school) so he knew that if he took more of an interest in her daughter after they were no longer together, then the ex would expect more financial help from him as well. I have always encouraged him to do what he thinks is right, but it's not for me to say that he should or shouldn't be involved in their lives. If I suggested he meet with/call the daughter, he didn't do it because he won't do it until and unless he wants to. He has not even called her in these past 4 years-just emails cards at holidays, and presents for Christmas/Birthday, and that was entirely his choice.

I have encouraged him to do what he feels is best either way, but I'm not the reason he has chosen not to see her.

I'm not the one whose obsessed. I have been in communication with the ex to see if her daughter would be more open to meeting me- because for my husband I am the deal-breaker (i.e. if they don't accept our marriage and play nice, then he won't see either of them). Maybe I shouldn't be the reason they don't have a better relationship, but it was his choice to make things this way not mine. I actually feel pretty bad for his ex's daughter because she never had her biological dad in her life either, but none of this is my fault.

And, I do think that it is weird that the ex is bringing up all this stuff now. There's nothing I can do about it now. I can't go back and stop him from cheating or leaving- that was way before me, and I can't make him reconsider their marriage and relationships because those all came before me as well.

And, I think it's weird that his ex wanted to tell me about the proposal, much less lie about it. I never asked her about any of it. My husband and I had a traditional courtship, and he did propose to me in the traditional way (on one knee) with a big rock for my finger. I have never told her anything about what he and I did, or didn't do, or how our relationship developed. So, this whole thing just has me confused.

I thought about encouraging him to ask her daughter to visit, but a part of me just says leave it alone because that family is already broken enough. If everyone is above board, then I would be happy to include his ex's daughter in our lives (and ex as well because you can't include one without considering the other),-but everything has to be above board.

The responses I've been getting here have been very negative towards myself and my husband, and I just don't get it. I don't believe I've done anything wrong, and I'm not his mother so I can't make my husband do anything- as his wife I can love him no matter what decision he makes as long as he doesn't disrespect me or this relationship.

Oh, and he did tell his ex that some of her affectionate remarks made "us" uncomfortable. She hasn't emailed him since, but insists on keeping in contact with me.

[Steen719]

"The responses I've been getting here have been very negative towards myself and my husband, and I just don't get it. I don't believe I've done anything wrong, and I'm not his mother so I can't make my husband do anything- as his wife I can love him no matter what decision he makes as long as he doesn't disrespect me or this relationship."

 

Since my response was one of two responses, I assume you mean mine. I am not sure why it seems negative, but it certainly was not meant that way. I was saying that if he dealt with the ex, you would not have to and she would not continue to put it on you. I was not telling you to make him do anything; I just thought it might work better if he was the one she emailed.

The comment I made about treating someone like crap is how I felt, whether it is you or anyone else. I do not think anyone should be treated like crap just because they allow it. Blaming the victim is not appropriate.

Anyway, sorry if you are thinking I was trying to be negative to you. I'll leave it to you.

[Mz. Pixie]

I posted to you under your other post on this subject.

 

It usually helps to keep your post on one thread so all of the responses are under one title. Makes it easier to keep up with, just sayin.