Author waytogo Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 You might feel differently upon finding out that your spouse is having multiple affairs behind your back. That's what I'm curious to know. If I get an answer, it will have been much more difficult than I'll post. Link to post Share on other sites
FieldFlower Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 I guess I was a "OW Lite", meaning it never went physical. However, if things had actually worked out, meaning I ended up in a real relationship with him, I can say pretty confidently, HELL NO would having an affair behind my back be okay. Not even if I was jacked up and so freakin high I didn't know who he was would it be okay. Besides, he was too conflicted and his conscience gave him a beat down each day, and I was no different, so it would have never got that far anyway. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could have been one of the OW who just didn't care, or at the very least the type of person who puts their own wants first, they always seem to win. Sometimes, it really is just the OW who get's hurt, while the MM goes back to his life as if nothing ever happened, and makes sure that the BS never finds out. I think for the majority of the OW here at LS, it's kind of a moot point, I imagine most, never really get that far to ponder the possiblility of being cheated on. It's hard to fathom the future, when your stuck in the present day, wishing, hoping, praying, that one day your love just may be reciprocated, and denying the reality that it's probably never going to happen. Betrayal and rejection hurts, no matter how you ended up the receiving end. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 . Oh WF, I too remember you once again telling the mm you were done while he played you and the wife with all his indecision and alleged counseling. Sorry to hear your resolve to want more than being his OW didn't last long "I too"? As in somebody else on this thread said that? Who said that fo? Where? Can you please point it out to me? lol "Alleged counseling"??? FO, I have sat outside the office door, watched him go in, watched him come out, and said hello to his IC. I don't know what else you want honey, but I don't really care. I am not the OW in his life, I am the Only Woman in his life that counts. But only I need to know that. LOL, and who says I'm not playing him??? FO, please. It is so obvious that you don't want to add anything pertinent to this thread and that you only want to jab me. I too see nothing has changed. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Your message will not get across to someone who is proud that her sex partner is divulging their bedroom activities t his buddies. Yeah I'll bet he told his friends his OW is a freak in bed. That's what the relationship is all about. She meets the need, she stays around. He knows it; so does she. Actually, if you read it right you'd see that it was my H who told his buddies that I was a freak in bed, and that he was a very lucky man indeed. It didn't hurt me then, and I wouldn't be hurt by it now. I think any man who gossips about his latest conquests is a jerk, but when a man in love does it, it's kind of sweet. But you don't seem to realize that MM has been meeting many more needs than just sexual appetite for me. He has been to every medical visit, every biopsy, and been more supportive than anyone in my life. We haven't had sex in so long because right now it is impossible. Yet he keeps coming around. Kriss, it must be love...don't ya think? Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 "I too"? As in somebody else on this thread said that? Who said that fo? Where? Can you please point it out to me? lol ... That would have been my post (somewhere on page 1 I think) although I didn't express it in quite the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
jsb58 Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 it must be love...don't ya think?not love toward you. love for himself. if he loved you, he would be willing to make sacrafices to be with you legitimately. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Oh Whiteflower. From the way you speak it seems the A is ongoing. Last I heard you had ended it until and unless he left the wife he claims not to love. Please tell me I'm wrong... "I too"? As in somebody else on this thread said that? Who said that fo? Where? Can you please point it out to me? lol "Alleged counseling"??? FO, I have sat outside the office door, watched him go in, watched him come out, and said hello to his IC. I don't know what else you want honey, but I don't really care. I am not the OW in his life, I am the Only Woman in his life that counts. But only I need to know that. LOL, and who says I'm not playing him??? FO, please. It is so obvious that you don't want to add anything pertinent to this thread and that you only want to jab me. I too see nothing has changed. See quoted post above. Before you automatically take a defensive attitude, maybe re-read previous posts. You are the OW as he has a wife so no, you aren't the only woman. As I recall, his kids were disgusted with him and let him know this which is why you two "broke up", even after he went on his anniversary cruise with his wife (which you stated would be the end of the affair if he went). Jab you? Why? Because last I checked, I supported you finding happiness, especially after the last time you two ended things. So no idea why you have this ax to grind, nor why you feel the need to continue to dismiss others opinion, like mine, that aren't exactly like yours. Feel free to apologize for bring wrong that I was the first person to bring up that I was sad to see that you went back to the married man Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 To be honest OWoman, it was you I wanted to hear from. I had asked in another thread but know we don't always see threads to the end. I don't ask this to confront you or be disrespectful. Your posts have shown you are now M to your former AP. You replied to me previously, something like "not all of us think A's are wrong". You really got my curiousity. Would it be wrong for your now H to have an A, or are A's still not wrong? Truly, I'm not and would have no right to come from some 'higher moral ground' to ask you. I was an OW. I'm married, not to the previous AP, but married. I want infidelity as far from us as possible. I do feel bad for what I did. I'm not telling you how you should feel, I hope you get that. For me, I think I feel likeif the 'bus' headed my way it would hurt so much. Reason, because I (not anyone else here is accused of the same) was so self centered at that time. Who would know more than me how much another can be so disregarded for what felt better for me in a moment. That's why I think I couldn't consider R after and A. Of course many thought that and made it work. There are different situations of course. Is it that some circumstances make you feel your A wasn't wrong, or you don't believe any A's are wrong. I actually anticipated an answer to this post. Hmmm... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 not love toward you. love for himself. if he loved you, he would be willing to make sacrafices to be with you legitimately. Please explain how he loves himself when he lets me squeeze his hand during a procedure? When he makes me giggle when needles are going into my skin and knives are cutting tumors out of me. How is he loving himself in those moments, I really want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Oh Whiteflower. From the way you speak it seems the A is ongoing. Last I heard you had ended it until and unless he left the wife he claims not to love. Please tell me I'm wrong... I don't know how I skipped this, sorry Sid. I did end it. We were apart for quite some time. His IC wanted to put him on anti-depressants because he wasn't living his life. I saw him in some online pics and I seriously thought he had had a stroke. He came to see me and I was with someone new, but I wasn't in love with the new guy. MM is still in IC and working on leaving, and in the meantime he's been quite the support I just so happen to need. Funny how things work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I actually anticipated an answer to this post. Hmmm... What does that mean in English Donna? You have a reply but didn't post it? Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 "I too"? As in somebody else on this thread said that? Who said that fo? Where? Can you please point it out to me? lol "Alleged counseling"??? FO, I have sat outside the office door, watched him go in, watched him come out, and said hello to his IC. I don't know what else you want honey, but I don't really care. I am not the OW in his life, I am the Only Woman in his life that counts. But only I need to know that. LOL, and who says I'm not playing him??? FO, please. It is so obvious that you don't want to add anything pertinent to this thread and that you only want to jab me. I too see nothing has changed. Why do you think fooled once is trying to jab you? I honestly believe she really is sorry you went back. I really believe she is sorry you have put yourself right back in that situation. It is so very sad except for the married man of course. I also believe you were happier without him because you haven't been here and now you are back with him and back here for support. You left him and he still stayed with her, HIS WIFE, who believes she is the ONLY Woman in his life. No one wants to hurt you or take jabs. Is it possible your guilt and knowing you should have stuck to your resolve to stay away that makes you see jabs? I wish you luck but this is such a sad dead end. This man is all happy again. he has the life he is not willing to give up and his lover pretending all is well and what do you have? A cheater. I'm sorry. I too am disappointed. I was so happy for you when you moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
jsb58 Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Please explain how he loves himself when he lets me squeeze his hand during a procedure? When he makes me giggle when needles are going into my skin and knives are cutting tumors out of me. How is he loving himself in those moments, I really want to know. it's called an ego boost. it requires little sacrafice from him to accompany you. ask him to mortgage his home so that you can have these procedures, you might get a different reaction. you may be experiencing romantic love, but often romantic love is not the same as enduring love, which sometimes requires sacrafice. I would sacrafice my life for my wife and children. your MM won't even sacrafice his lifestyle to be with you legitimately. you are happy with the love he gives you, though it keeps you an OW. if you are happy with that situation, what assistance can this forum be to you? Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 WaytoGo, why don't you go & post your inflamatory thread in the infidelity section? I think you are just looking to stir up some trouble on here. Link to post Share on other sites
IzzyB Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Just the fact that you think any partner could and should 'OWN" another tells me all I need to know about your views and judgment. Love is not possession. It is, in fact, the farthest thing from it. And you cant own anyone. Why would you want to? My previous husband wound up meeting his now wife well before we separated, although we had been talking about it. I was the one who wanted to separate because he refused to work on our marriage and we had much to work on. I dont feel betrayed whatsoever and I didnt back then. In my view, he met her at the perfect time and she was what he needed to be strong enough to get through our divorce. He was meant to be with her at that point in time. In MY situation, this is what happened and how i felt. This does not mean that in someone ELSE'S situation that they wouldnt feel betrayed. There is no right or wrong to this stuff and not every situation is the same. How can I possibly judge someone else's experience without being a part of it? Black and white thinking simply causes more pain and judgement and if people here would work on their own schit and stop judging everyone else, there would be a lot more healing and a lot less cheating. OK, here is the explanation: Most of these folks do not believe in marriage. Furthermore, they believe that marriage does not mean the wife owns the husband. The husband is not the property of the wife therefore he has the right to pursue other relationships in the open market. In an open market the OW is free to pursue a relationship with MM because the OW made no vows to the BW. MM pursued OW, hence this makes it OK. It is likely BW never gives sex to MM so someone has to step up. OWs are not lying to anyone so they can proudly look at themselves in the mirror. All the lying and cheating is done by the MM. OW does not believe in marriage so playing the marriage card is futile. Kids adjust to divorce so playing the kids card is a moot point. OWs are better at BJs than BWs It is likely BW knows there is an affair and looks the other way in denial. Therefore, it must be OK to sleep with MM. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) What does that mean in English Donna? You have a reply but didn't post it? Um, was that not English? Anyone...? I have to wait for the answer first to know if I will have a "reply" or another question. Seems to me if you wouldn't want your partner cheating on you, then A's must be wrong. Edited June 5, 2011 by donnamaybe Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I actually anticipated an answer to this post. Hmmm... Um, was that not English? Anyone...? I have to wait for the answer first to know if I will have a "reply" or another question. Seems to me if you wouldn't want your partner cheating on you, then A's must be wrong. A prediction then, of someone else's reaction? As opposed to your own answer? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 A prediction then, of someone else's reaction? As opposed to your own answer? Is that it? NOW I am supposed to give an answer when I wasn't't asked the question? I think I know why it wasn't'answered though. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Is that it? NOW I am supposed to give an answer when I wasn't't asked the question? I think I know why it wasn't'answered though. I surrender! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) Is that it? NOW I am supposed to give an answer when I wasn't't asked the question? That's never stopped anyone before. Even when posts are specifically addressed to "only OWs" on this forum, everyone chimes in. Edited June 6, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 ...and so I have come to the conclusion that anyone who thinks A's are okay but would be PO'd if THEIR partner screwed around behind their back is a hypocrite. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 ...and so I have come to the conclusion that anyone who thinks A's are okay but would be PO'd if THEIR partner screwed around behind their back is a hypocrite. ANYONE who holds two sets of standards - one for themselves, and one for everyone else - is a hypocrite, including those who were OK with cheating on former partners but would not be OK with current partners cheating on them Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 ...and so I have come to the conclusion that anyone who thinks A's are okay but would be PO'd if THEIR partner screwed around behind their back is a hypocrite. ANYONE who holds two sets of standards - one for themselves, and one for everyone else - is a hypocrite, including those who were OK with cheating on former partners but would not be OK with current partners cheating on them Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Whether you are in an A or have been; whether you are now M to or with the previous AP, would it be wrong if the person you are with had an A behing your back? My H's xW is a case in point. Her first M ended when her first H found out about her A and kicked her out. She then took up full-time with her AP, years later M him and decades later - after a long and abusive M - expressing outrage that he had done exactly what she had done (having an A). She considered it fine for herself to do that - after all, she was unhappy in her M; she did not consider it fine for him to do the same (after initially refusing to believe him when he told her he had fallen in love with someone else and would be leaving the M) because, well, what's sauce for the goose is not sauce for the gander in her opinion. I consider that hypocritical. I am not someone who worships at the altar of marriage. My H and I love each other very much and want to be together full-time, certainly, but we would not have chosen to get M were it not a legal requirement (we're of different nationalities, and need to be married to qualify as spouses to live and work in each other's country). I have never been a believer in sexual exclusivity, although my H and I have practised this for years (during the A, and during our M) simply because neither of us has any sexual desire for anyone else. But I recognise that that is not natural, and that the possibility (or even likelihood) exists that at some stage either, or both, of us will find ourselves sexually attracted elsewhere. My H and I have always had a very open and honest R - it was something new and exciting for him, as he'd not had that kind of R before. We discuss pretty much everything, and because we work together as well as living together, we're together pretty much around the clock and know each other really well. He's aware of my moods before I am (a skill he developed as an abused spouse); I know what he's thinking and feeling while he's still struggling to articulate it to himself. And because we love each other, we want what is best for each other. If he wanted some other woman, or I wanted some other man, we'd discuss the way forward (I can't predict the outcomes of that discussion as it would be contingent on so many factors at the time). So, I would like to think that the R would allow for such eventualities within its parameters, that neither my H nor I would feel compelled to go outside of the R (in the sense of having to be dishonest with each other) in order to meet our needs - that we could be honest and open with each other, accepting of who we are and where we've come from, in doing so. Of course I recognise that things don't always work out as you hope they will, and that perhaps one or the other of us will feel that we can't risk honesty, that admitting that the other is no longer "sufficient" for our needs will seem like a terminal betrayal of our partner or our R, and that "cheating" may happen. Would I be hurt if it happened to me? I've not been in that position before so I'd be guessing, but it seems likely that I would; that I would feel that somehow our R or I personally would have failed in creating that open and non-judgmental environment that led to subterfuge seeming the only way... But would I feel it was wrong? How could I? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Some people live and learn. Some people learn how the mind of a cheater works and guard themselves against those types in the future. Others, not so much. Some people don't cheat on anyone. In fact, SOME people actually make a break specifically BEFORE they get involved with anyone else by telling their cheating partner they are through, but SOME people are just kind enough to not kick someone right out of the home they solely own, giving a jackass enough time to find a place of their own so they aren't actually "kicked to the curb" unceremoniousl. They don't hold "two sets of standards" at all. Then again, other people just take and take and take, heedless of the effect they have on anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
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