Feeling Guilty for Wanting Revenge

[orangenails]

At first it seemed like my boyfriend and I were a match made in heaven. Inseparable. Four months in he screwed his ex and messed around with her friend. He was drunk, and he said it was sabotage meant to hurt me because he'd never been in an intimate relationship before.

 

I forgave him, but he succeeded. Our relationship is no longer as intimate as it was before. The first few months after it happened were full of anxiety, jealousy and anger. He has not cheated since. He was certain I would cheat or leave and treated me bad despite the fact that I never strayed.

 

After a while we each took a step back and things cooled down. I've spent my time improving my talents and goals, and doing emotional and spiritual healing. He has been working on his career.

 

Eight months after he cheated, we don't see each other often anymore. In fact, he has been out of state for over a month now, although he is due to come back in July. I am hesitant to give him any inch, even when he offers to help me, because I don't trust him or have much faith in where he is.

 

I still love him, and want to be with him, because even though I don't think we'll ever be what we could have been before he cheated, I think we still have potential for happiness and success together.

 

The problem is that I still feel like vomiting when I think about what he did. For the last month I've indulged my anger in an attempt to resolve it, but now I find myself fantasizing about cheating for revenge. I don't really want to break up with him or find somebody else, I just want to hurt him and settle the score. I've started watching movies about cheating, and watching porn like I never did before. I've thought about calling up an ex and asking for a favor.

 

I would do it and lie, but I'm afraid the guilt would be too much. I don't want to ruin our relationship, and I don't want to disrespect myself over my boyfriend's stupidity. How do I resolve these feelings before I do something I don't really want?

[weaken]

Don't go down to his level. While the thoughts of revenge are always sweet,

they never turn out as planned. You will end up in a lower place then you are in now.

 

Keep your dignity intact and leave the relationship if you have the desire to cheat.

 

I am telling you this from experience. My partner treated me awfully, instead of leaving the relationship, I cheated.

 

I felt that this would be the ultimate way to get back at him for crushing me, for putting me down and taking advantage of me.

 

Instead of getting the high I was expecting, I felt more sick. I couldn't look at myself, I felt dirty, I felt as if I lowered my self worth.

 

I ended up telling the partner what happened, and now we are still rebuilding.

what was lost. He still has a negative attitude, and the fact that I was unfaithful just added salt into the wound.

 

If you're unhappy, leave the relationship. Take time for yourself, figure out where you stand before you decide to act on these feelings.

 

You'll regret it if you don't.

[orangenails]

I don't need to leave this relationship thanks. We are still in love and pushing forward. What I need is a way to resolve the desire and the guilt that results.

 

How can you tell me to leave the relationship when in your argument you say you are still in yours? Do you really think it would have been better for you to have left your partner than cheat? If so why have you still not left, unless that isn't really always the appropriate solution?

 

This is not about deeming my relationship "good enough" to continue, it's about overcoming thoughts that come from a lower aspect of myself.

I don't have it in me to really cheat, but fantasizing about it makes me feel like ****. If I fantasize enough, will I eventually get over it (as I have with other "kinks") or will I weaken the connection. How can I find true peace and justice for myself?

[weaken]

I said take time to figure yourself out where you stand before you act on

your feelings.

 

I didn't push you to leave. If you took the break, you could see if it's

worth fixing, and what you can do.

 

It is what I did, I gave you advice in which I took myself. I took a long peroid for myself, focused on the faults. Together, as a couple, we decided to take another go.

 

If you had read my post more clearly, you would have taken my advice into account. There was no need to be rude to me.

[Only Gal]

i know how u both feel. But it wasnt bcoz he cheated on me. it was bcoz the nasty bad way he treated me, his ego as big as 1000 men could take, he put his priority to his female frens above me. He called me "*******" everytime we'r arguing. Made me feel not worthy to be respected. But i love so much. And this morning i broke up with him after almost 4 years coz he refused to change while i did.

 

Those things i mentioned made me feel like taking a revenge. hurting him n making him feel the same way as i did. I did my revenge, and it just made our relationship alot worse than ever. Once he found out it was a revenge, he accused me of being things u could never imagined.

 

my advice, dont do it. ever. Make him feel bad and guilty (depends on how big his ego is) by the goods ur showing him.

 

The worst revenge ever is to make him feel guilty and regret, coz it would lead him to treat like a princess, the only girl his eyes would go to. everybody would choose a good soft hearted person in the end who can accept others weaknesses. For me, instead of men with big bucks or as good looking as brad pitt, i would choose the one who could treat me good with respect as i'm the only girl in the world. The same thing for men.

 

Please dont do any revenge. It will destroy u from inside as well, not only him. Good luck girl! =)

[Magictoasty]

How do I resolve these feelings before I do something I don't really want?

 

You mean you want to, you just don't think it would be healthy for the relationship.

 

 

Remember that all relationships are different, I felt the same way you did once and I felt justified in getting revenge as well as the excitement that I could break the rules too, I followed my gut and I went through with it and apart from being the best sex I'd ever had it also did the reverse for me to what you fear, it gave me a little more respect for standing up for myself, if you are the one instigating and doing the chasing theres no shame or disrespect to yourself.

 

My girlfriend understood and it made her realise not only how much it hurt when she did it that she risked me doing it again if she slipped herself, it showed her that we were equal in the relationship and things improved from it.

 

A lot of relationships could buckle if you got revenge, but some can be strengthened.