NC is not enough

[lazybum]

Hello guys, in my deepest darkest moments 2.5 months ago, i found Loveshack. My story? With my ex for 1.5 years, literally propped and supported her all the way. We were crazy in love, about to get engaged, never fought past a day and always worked through our problems. Then out of the blue, she ditches me for someone else. Now, a lot of drama ensued after this, including her coming back after 3 weeks asking for a second chance and disappearing 2 days later, but i'm not gonna dwell on that. Instead, i wanna share how i have been recovering from this experience, and how i think pure NC alone is not enough.

 

What needs to be done? Well, NC is the key to healing as fast as possible for me, I think it its these 4 things helped me recover a little quicker.

1) NC

2) Removal of all physical reminders

3) Acceptance

4) Forgiveness

 

1. The benefits of NC have been explained over and over in many threads. So i ain't gonna repeat but basically, you need to put distance between yourself and the ex. This does two things. It slowly weens you off your ex. And also makes your ex missed you. The latter, worked for me. Her frens have reached out to me and told her she missed me and always talks about me. But the point here is that, its all words - no action. She hasn't done anything to SHOW me she wants a reconciliation. And frankly, I'm not looking for one.

 

2. Some people go NC but still keep all the texts, emails, gifts and clothes and all other crap from the relationship. Granted, many things will remind you of your ex such as places you ate together. But, whatever that is physically within you reach for removal, DO IT. You don't need to throw them away. You can either return them ASAP, or store them in a box in a place where you won't look thru often. But some people still do crumble and look thru that box even if its stowed away. That's why I advocate returning or throwing away that stuff. But if you're strong enuff not to take a peek, store them away in a box so that maybe next time when u're all healed up, you have some nice memories. But for me, I always look forward and want to give my best to the next relationship. So, i returned whatever I could and threw away the rest.

 

If you're going "but what if she comes back", forget it pal. Successful reconciliation means a fresh start. Clinging onto all that memories, yes they were sweet, but you should look forward to creating new memories if you do happen to successfully reconcile. No point clinging to old memories that was from a broken relationship that caused so much pain. That's what i think anyways. I'm sure some here think otherwise.

 

What about digital content like photos, videos, facebook? Delete photos, videos, emails, texts, etc. If you wanna save them, store all of them on a memory card or thumbdrive and stow it away together with all the other stuff. I deleted everything. And clean up your facebook, remove all posts your ex posted on your wall, pictures together, etc. There's also another reason for this. Your future partner might snoop thru ur facebook and then feel like crap when he/she sees all the lovey dovey exchanges you and your ex shared on FB. If you guys had a 5 year relationship, good luck cleaning out your FB. But it has to be done, imo. Btw, that happened to me. My ex actually snooped thru my entirely facebook by clicking older posts all the way till the start of the creation of my FB and then got emo over my ex ex for a week. True story.

 

3. Acceptance. Accept what? Accept everything. The break-up, the betrayal, the emotions. One thing i learnt through therapy is that you cannot avoid your emotions. Someday, you will have to deal with the emotions, its either now or never. The longer you delay, the more pain you will put yourself through. Accept your emotions - you have to go through the entire range of emotions. If you feel sad, accept it. If you feel angry, accept it. Don't fight it, its futile. Say it out loud, "Yes, i do feel sad, yes i do feel angry and i accept it." Then reason with yourself and accept reality. "But things are different now". Accepting your emotions will help you overcome them faster. Rejecting them, fighting them off, distracting yourself with a rebound, all serve to prolong your misey.

 

4. Forgive your ex. Not for him/her. For yourself. Forgiveness is for yourself to let go of the anger and pain. Especially if there was cheating. Forgiving is empowering. I broke NC after a month to call up my ex and tell her i forgive her and thanked her for the 1.5 years of happiness. I'm not saying you should do the same. In fact, i strongly discourage from breaking NC for this reason. You can forgive him/her, without contact. Forgive her through prayer, journalling, posting on LS. It helps you let go of the betrayal and lets you move on.

 

Off course, stuff like exercise, occupying yourself, all apply. In particular, cardiovascular exercise that pushes you to the limit (e.g. running) releases plenty of endorphins that make you feel good. But what i've learn is that, no matter how much you distract yourself, at some point in time, you have to deal with the emotions associated with the break-up. Griefing does take time and the 4 things i listed up there helped me heal faster. Granted, i'm still healing - its a journey, not a destination.

 

Hope someone finds this useful.

Edited June 4, 2011 by lazybum

[zerovandez]

Awesome read. Thanks!

[giuliano-3]

Good stuff, lazybum. Nice to see you around. Was just thinking this morning about all the old messages on FB I kept, even though I haven't read them in a while its time to delete. Never know how they might affect me or a new gf sometime in the future.

[SoCal_Guy]

This is a great post, lazybum. I'm saving this and reading it whenever I get those feelings of missing her, wondering what she's doing, etc. I totally agree about the reasons for forgiving. I think it takes the burden off yourself. There is no sense going through life angry at someone you care or once cared for. Some call it taking the higher road, I guess.