caring guy Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Ok, so 15 yrs ago, i was 22 & this girl was 18, we lived closebye & she was my 1st love, real love!! We separated as she moved south & it fizzled out, but we kept in touch all this time! We have been in touch over the last few years via facebook & she comes up here to see family occasionally!! I'm single now, but she is unhappily married.. Been married 2 years with a 16 month old child. Her hubby works a lot & she spends time at home alone & works 2 days & he goes drinking at night a lot after work with his mates! So, we talk a lot online & get on really well, flirt, wonderful rebound & we both kinda like, think of each other, miss each other a lot! The last few times she's been up here, she's stayed with some family & we've met secretly, a few nights out, lots of passionate kissing, holding hands & wishing we could be together longer!! Some times she stays with her sister & sometimes her dad, but obviously nobody knows! We've met the last few days for a couple hours etc, spending time with her little one at parks & once we met at night & were quiet passionate in her car after her little one went to bed & was being looked after. Excuse was made!! I feel bad in a way, but i love this girl, she is of my dreams!! I would never even do this with anyone apart from her! I know its a cliche, but the love of my life!! She feels odd about sneaking about, but we can't wait to see each other again & i think about her all the time! I'm due to visit her soon when he's away!! I can't wait.. but..!!! I'd never do to her what he does to her, neglect & taking for granted. Money is his way of showing love, not attention & affection. Awkward i know!! Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 You're using the wrong adjectives. "she feels odd sneaking around." She should feel awful about sneaking around. Not odd. This is some shady business. If she really wanted to be with you she would leave her husband and come to you....but she's not. Awkward situation Yea - it's more than that - you're part of an affair. You guys want to be together - then do so! but she should be leaving her husband before cheating on him and being a crap example to her kid. I know - the kid is young and doesn't know what's happening. Is she going to leave him for you? or play the both of you so you can be the sex while he is able to support her and give her money and everything else that she needs? Sounds like both you and the husband lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 Yeh, i kinda feel we're both losing out but i give her the attention she wants & seeks from him! I don't talk about him to her, but know she is bored & wants the attention! She tells me all the time she thinks of me, i'm on her mind, misses me, but at the moment, i don't think she will leave him!! What would the family think, there's a lot of awkwardness & things to think about!! He has money, more than me, pays the mortgage etc! Love & affection from me don't pay the bills, but she tells me she's not material & i know she isn't! I'm happy to play by ear & keep doing what we are, up to an extent!! She's a quiet girl, i'm not sure if she has the nerve to make a big move!! When we were in the park the other day, she was scared someone would see us! But on nights out we've had, we've had some wine & been all over each other so inhibitions go out of the window! Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 I'm happy to play by ear & keep doing what we are, up to an extent!! What does that mean? And does she know that? These things can get so damn messy that they leave a trail of broken hearts and tears for years to come. Better get some things laid out on the table before you go any further. Drama - all you can eat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 Play by ear as in see how it goes & not take it daily!! She means a lot to me & yes, i guess if the feeling is mutual, she would choose, but as you say it would be messy!! I mean she has 3 sisters, they are all married & they all go out together in couples! I don't want to push too much & put her in a position where i'm making her choose & pressuring her! I guess time will tell & she will decide after we've spent more time together! I think she feels if she left a house that she lives in, would i be able to support her in a financial way that he does!!, house etc! Currently i'm in a bedsit.. aggh!! but looking! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Don't sell out your principles for the "girl of your dreams". She's the last person you should do that for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 My principles with this girl are just to be with her!! She means so much to me, love of my life!! She was my 1st & its always been a distant dream to be with her that i never thought would happen!! But dreams come true sometimes!! Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Here's what I think... Accept every potential consequence as having a high probability. This includes happy endings where you get the girl or escape without a scratch. This also includes emotional and financial ruin. Death of one or more of the people involved. Lawyers chasing your ass ect. If you can't do that or accept the risks, then you have to leave her to sort out her own mess. If you can, keep going with your affair. But if the sh*t does hit the fan and you get thrown under a bus, the last thing you should be saying is "I didn't see this one coming." Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 What I've found to be true is that the person a woman develops a connection with when she's venturing outside of her marriage/relationship is filling some needs her current mate isn't filling. With all her needs filled, the incentive to make a real change in her life may be gone. Or else, once the current relationship has broken down, the person she cheated with becomes less important to have around. It also seems pretty common that things are not as bleak at home as she portrays them, and/or the guy she's with is actually a pretty good guy in spite of her claims. So not to preach, but I think you should consider making one of your principles not getting involved with a married woman. This isn't a matter of morality, although it should be. It's more a practical matter of protecting yourself from trouble and heartbreak. It should catch your attention that the girl of your dreams is willing to have an affair. If she's worth having at all, she'll stiff arm you once she figures out what is going on between you. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 My principles with this girl are just to be with her!! She means so much to me, love of my life!! She was my 1st & its always been a distant dream to be with her that i never thought would happen!! But dreams come true sometimes!! Yea and if you two do end up together you can always look forward to the fact that her son will probably hate you and never respect you. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Rule of thumb: If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 I kinda knew i would get a lot of stick & know i deserve it.. As i say, i would never go down this road with anyone else. I've had strong feelings for this girl for 15 years or more since we 1st went out & if you'd have asked me at any time since then who i want most in my life it always would have been her but until now she's never shown any thoughts that way. Yes, she's not getting from her h what i give, no i don't know if she will leave him.. I know she is unhappy as i know all about what her life is like there. She's neglected & i give her what she wants, but i also know she is scared stiff of making any kind of move, like seperation. He has money, i don't have a lot, only what she says i have lots of whats important & thats enough for her. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Oh, I have a feeling this is going to end extraordinarily well.... He has money, i don't have a lot, only what she says i have lots of whats important & thats enough for her. Obviously not, or she would be with you for real, and would not just use you as a past-time. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 You are now 37 and she is 33. She has only been married for 2 years. IF this love was so strong for the past 15 years and you have kept in touch for the whole time, then you would have reconnected as lovers while she was single. Looks like she was in love enough with someone else to carry on a strong romantic relationship that led to marriage and a child. Also looks like she was hit with the reality of "Dag, I have a child, I have a husband, we both have jobs, we have a mortgage, we have a SUV. These things are adult and grown-up and require work, money, caring, and time. Well, heck, THOSE are no fun." So she balances her real life with you - her fun, fantasy life. If being with you was enough for her, she would get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Oh, I have a feeling this is going to end extraordinarily well.... Obviously not, or she would be with you for real, and would not just use you as a past-time. Yep - Ditto Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 I dunno, i doubt i can write anything positive in anyone's eyes, & i understand so much! It's just this girl!! Utter of lies says she would be with me if she felt that, but the issue of her being in the south & me in the north is an issue or things may be different, her job etc & home!! If she were up north, she may be different! aasdf, she instigated all this, i initially talked to her as an ex & a friend, but when she came up here, she said she couldn't stop thinking of me, & neither i her! Lucky_one, i know what your saying, i saw her occasionally as she came up north occasionally & we chatted, its just only recent its become like this & i know she isn't the sort to use!! She's so placid. I'm really confused, i feel lots for her, i want to be with her so much, anyone else in this situation, i'd feel terrible about & wouldn't!! I don't want to ask her what her motives are, i don't want to **** things up by saying ' i don't want you using me', its all a bit strange, but i know i want her lots!! Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) For the sake of us helping you on here and giving you advice...help us out: Go easy on those exclamation marks. They're distracting and I'm not even sure you grasp what an exclamation mark is supposed to signify. don't want to ask her what her motives are, i don't want to **** things up by saying ' i don't want you using me', its all a bit strange, but i know i want her lots!! This relationship is doomed if you're already having issues with communication - which I guess is a given, being that she is cheating but...you can't even get up the courage to tell her you don't want to be used? Mat meet Door. Edited June 5, 2011 by vsmini Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 It will come in time,i'll bring it out & it's not doomed, i guess its difficult if nobody's seeing it through our eyes!! I just want to be with her! This stuff happens, people split, people cheat, i don't like it, but its her. We had only once a year contact for ages as i was with other partners & so was she, just the odd happy xmas or birthday & pokes on facebook! I guess we're just going with it at the moment, we will talk more soon, but its not like i'll see her in person for a few weeks.. I dunno, just i feel that feeling & never thought she would for me!!, like a fairytale for me too!! I'm sure you can understand my feeling, i just wish she was single Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Utter of lies says she would be with me if she felt that, but the issue of her being in the south & me in the north is an issue or things may be different, her job etc & home!! If she were up north, she may be different! It's important to have dreams, and to try to live some of them. But this will turn into a nightmare soon enough. I just want to be with her! This stuff happens, people split, people cheat, i don't like it, but its her. You said yourself it's very unlikely she would ever leave her husband. Also, its perfectly rational of her to stay with the rich guy that she married that can provide for her and her kid. Do you really think that your fantasy will survive once exposed to economic realities? I dunno, just i feel that feeling & never thought she would for me!!, like a fairytale for me too!! I'm sure you can understand my feeling, i just wish she was single Your story IS a fairytale, because it's grounded in fantasy, not in reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Lucky_one, i know what your saying, i saw her occasionally as she came up north occasionally & we chatted, its just only recent its become like this & i know she isn't the sort to use!! She's so placid. She's basically using her husband, isn't she? And yes, lay off the exclamation points, please. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 caring guy, is your mother a quiet type of woman? was she available to you when you grew up? Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I'm going to take a different route from everybody else since I can see that you have already made up your mind. Have an affair with her... If things work out, then they work out. If she stomps on your heart and rips it into bloody chunks, then you have learnt a valuable life lesson the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
ComputerJock Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I might add, if you have an affair, which means she is cheating on her husband and child, and she is caught, gets divorced, and shammed by her family, are you, OP, willing to step in and marry her and raise another man's child knowing that you two commited adultry, and you are maring a cheater? Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I might add, if you have an affair, which means she is cheating on her husband and child, and she is caught, gets divorced, and shammed by her family, are you, OP, willing to step in and marry her and raise another man's child knowing that you two commited adultry, and you are maring a cheater? Yep, that's a good point. Like I said in my first post, affairs have an absurdly large number of potentially negative consequences. If you get into an affair, accept the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 If you had any integrity and maturity you would've never put yourself in this situation. Now you're just another big problem in her marriage, especially along with herself. Link to post Share on other sites
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