Coping with my Brothers, Suicide and Prison

[Texan27]

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[Papillon]

That's really good to hear.

[Texan27]

Well apparently my computer doesn't like to do what its supposed to and for some reason didn't post what I wrote with my thread. Sorry about that but here's my issue...

 

On September 19, 2003 my older brother committed suicide. No one ever saw it coming... I had just talked with him the morning before he died and we were planning his trip to come see me since I go to college half way across the country. I think this whole thing would be a lot easier to come to terms with if I knew why he was so desperate to end his agony. He was bipolar and an alcoholic so I know that he had a lot of problems to deal with, but I had no idea it was this bad. Last summer we had really gotten to know each other as adults rather than bratty siblings. I felt like he knew that I was there for him always but he didn't. I always tell me friends how much I care and that I'm there for them day or night... but I just never thought it was something I should say to my brothers. I feel like he gave up without even talking to me. I feel as though he didn't see me as someone who would stand by him no matter what. I feel abandoned... and a part of me feels as though he dumped me. But I also feel guilty for being that selfish to say that. I mean I know that he must have had a tremendous amount of turmoil and just came to the boiling point. I don't know why it happened but I feel like he just left me by the curb.

 

Everyone has told me that its all God's plan but I can't say that I believe in God anymore. The one thing I needed most after my brother's death was my oldest brother (I have two) yet two months afterwards he was sent to prison for 5 years for violation of probation. If there is a God... He sure as hell not a compassionate one. I feel like He let me down when I needed him to help me out the most. I wasn't asking for the impossible, just my brother home from prison. He wasn't even allowed to be at the funeral and I haven't been able to hug him since December of 2002. I just want my oldest brother back... that's all I was praying for.

 

The worst part is not having someone to talk to that understands my pain. None of my friends have ever lost a sibling... and I have to say it has to be the worst feeling right after loosing your own child. I can't go to my parents to talk because they have their own grief and quite frankly are losing their sense of reality. Since my oldest brother is in prison for at least another year, the only way I can correspond is through letters but he doesn't do much good since it hasn't really hit him that our brother is gone. He hadn't seen him in about two years and he didn't know what it was like to lose his best friend.The summer before he died we did everything together... we went swimming, we took a business law class... I just feel like my best friend dumped me without explaining it. I feel like its one of those "its not you, its me" kinda things when it comes to why he didn't tell me. My head tells me that its true... but my heart says that he never said goodbye to me because I just wasn't that important... the thing is he called my aunt and a close friend minutes before he died to say goodbye.

 

I guess my problem is I don't see how all of this can happen if their is a compassionate God. My mom cries all day, my dad is just getting kind of spacy (I don't really know how else to describe it) and I feel like everything about me is crumbling away. I've lost all faith in God, I question the afterlife, and my passions left the moment I was told that he committed suicide. I don't have any aspirations except to move somewhere completely deserted. There's nothing I really want in my life except to move away from everyone so I don't have to face the reality that my brother walked out on life. I feel like he not only gave up on life... but he gave up on me. I feel like a huge chunk of my heart was ripped out and at the same time I feel mad/betrayed that he left without even saying a word. Then that makes me feel guilty and I just get more depressed...

 

I just don't know how to deal with any of this. I want to find my passion for the piano/flute again... I want to have faith in my religion (Lutheran)... I want to just be happy. When I am happy its like I had to work to get there. I'm so tired of constantly being sad if I don't make an effort. I just can't seem to find my groove anymore. Its as though without my brother to complete who I am my groove in life is forever lost... and perhaps it is. I just wish I could at least know if I'll ever get through this... it seems like the more time that passes, the worse I get. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing that used to make me happy works anymore. I'm in therapy, and I'm on anti-depressants but nothing is making it better, just worse. I've run out of solutions.

 

If anyone can relate to having a sibling commit suicide... PLEASE help me!!!

[Darkangelism]

Well i can't relate to a sibling, but my former best friend overdosed on drugs 3 and a half months ago. It is hard, i am sorry for your lose. Time will make it better, but it will never be perfect again, just remember the happy times. I do not believe in an afterlife either, so I just have to think that bad things happen, thats life, i can learn from that, help other people, life my life to the fullest. Do what you think is the best for you, achieve your goals, do stuff that would have made your brother proud of you. Thank you for sharing, it must be very hard.

[Texan27]

If you don't mind me asking... what makes you not believe in an afterlife???

 

I don't really know if I do or not... but at times I just feel stupid trying to talk to him thinking that he can hear what I have to say yet others I'm confident that he can hear everything.

[Darkangelism]

I dont see how it makes sense, i think religion was made to explain the unexplainable(at the time) and to bring comfort. I see afterlife as a way people cope with the loss, by pretending that the people are still there.

[reasontosigh]

I am so sorry. I haven't been in this situation myself, but do feel extremely sad for you nonetheless.

 

I want to find my passion for the piano/flute again...

 

Reading this gave me an idea. Perhaps, if you cannot play the music of others, you could compose your own - a score that expresses your feelings as you work through the various stages of your grief.

 

Do continue with your therapy and your meds. You may not feel it now, but they will be of great benefit as time goes on. You didn't say how long you have been on the medication you are currently taking, but if it has been a substantial period, speak to your doctor about it - perhaps it may not be the right one, and he/she can make a change if need be.

[pav186]

I used to think like that too DA. But in the past few years I started thinking that there are a lot of things that can't be explained but that doesnt mean they arent real. No one can explain how life started or even for sure what happened before the big bang, if the big bang even happened. Im certainly not religious by any means, i guess I have made up my own set of beliefs based on my life experiences. Something just makes me think that just because we cant sense somthing with our senses that it doesnt exist.

[Arabess]

Tex,

There are events in life we cannot understand or even begin to explain away with our level of understanding. I often say that I understand all God's ways about as much as a caveman would understand the concept of a microwave. His ways are so above my ways.

 

I DO know He will not impose Himself on someone. Even though YOU had the best wish of scenario for your brother.....his life and what was to become of it was HIS choice...not yours. When suicide is in someone's mind as a viable solution as opposed to facing another day....all you can do is respect the person's choice and not take the guilt upon yourself. You don't know all their secret heartaches or how they felt or even can begin to wonder if they made peace with their God before they left. I believe a great many people do. All you know is they are now out of this world....and separated from all the things which caused them so much pain.

 

I understand when you lose someone.....there are questions and LOTS of them. The answer though lies between God and the heart of the other person. We can't make judgement calls.

 

What you can do....is go to God with YOUR heart and ask what you can do to make the most of this tragic event. Anything less than that....will only keep you wondering and feeling bitter.

 

I TOO wish God gave answers for events....but He rarely seems to. Maybe because the event which took place.....the loss of a life near and dear to you.......is a secret between God and your brother. God never blabs secrets.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family. I'm sure both of your parents and you are living a very sad life right now. This is such a terrible time. Love them and love yourself......and when you can....love God again.

 

Arabess

[ladyangel]

Texan - I'm sorry for your pain. I do know firsthand what it is like to lose a family member to suicide. My father purposely took his life when I was 19 years old. He was suffering from depression but nobody had any idea how bad it was until he was dead. A lot of people say, "Until it was too late," but I don't believe that way anymore. If a person wants to kill themselves, they are going to do it. There was nothing you or anyone else could have done to prevent it. I know that's hard for you to accept or understand right now, but I think with time you will. Just remember this: They're not thinking clearly, they are not well mentally, or they wouldn't do it. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is something within them that they no longer feel they can control. They see this as the only way out of their internal pain. They don't want to burden those they love with their problems because they feel that nobody can solve them for them.

 

How do I know this? Because I am bipolar. And before I was diagnosed and began treatment, I too became suicidal. It is a feeling that is impossible to describe to someone who hasn't been there. It's not something you think about in terms of what it will do to your family or that there are other ways to deal with things. All you think of is ending your emotional pain. It's like being in a black hole with no way to climb out. Your mind goes blank except for the pain you feel. In my case it came on rather suddenly without warning. I didn't talk to my loved ones or friends about it because I didn't have the vaguest idea how to describe it or to even get in touch with what reality was. My only reality was that I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, not have to face one more day of feeling the way I was feeling. I didn't understand why I felt that way, but I didn't blame anyone or anything. I just wanted it to stop. It was a chemical imbalance that was beyond my control.

 

Fortunately for me, I was able to stop myself and have a moment of clarity long enough to call someone before I went through with it. I don't know how I was able to do that and others aren't. I don't feel I'm any better than them or that I am a stronger person. I just feel very lucky. I could just as easily be dead.

 

I don't know where I'm going with all this, except that I wanted you to know, from a personal viewpoint of someone who's been there, what went through my mind. Your brother did not mean to hurt you or anyone else. You will never know exactly what he was feeling when he did what he did...nobody can. Everybody is different and everybody's circumstances are different. Just understand that he was not in his right mind or he never would have done it. I'm sure he cared about you a great deal, but he couldn't think of that at the time. He was in too much pain.

 

When my father died, I went through all the stages that you probably are. I was angry and hurt that he "left" me, abandoned me and my brother and sisters. But eventually I realized that he didn't do it knowing in his mind how much it would hurt us.

 

Four years ago my husband lost his son suddenly in an accident. I've never seen such grieving as a mother and father have for their child. I was overcome with grief, so I couldn't even imagine how his birth parents must have been feeling. I feel for your parents and I feel for you. I also saw the terrible pain my stepson's brother went through following his death. They were two years apart and best friends their whole lives. At the time of his death he was 21 and his surviving brother was 19. He went through a period like you are...not knowing where he belonged anymore, not having the motivation to do the things he had planned to do, the depression, anxiety, feeling lost. He went to counseling and was put on medication for about a year. He slowly began to feel better about the world and went off the medication. It was baby steps, but he eventually went back to college and has a girlfriend that he is crazy about.

 

Life does go on. No, it will never be the same as before. It does leave a hole in your heart. But you have to try to fill it with good memories and love for your brother. Try to forgive him. That will be an important step to your healing. I would recommend that you ask your therapist for a referral to a support group for people who have lost loved ones to suicide. I think it would be very beneficial for you to share your feelings with someone who understands what you're going through.

 

The healing process is not easy, but it WILL get better, I promise you.

[Texan27]

Thank you Ladyangel -- its really comforting to know that someone else can relate to my anguish. Both of my brothers were diagnosed as bipolar as children and as they reached high school they became alcoholics. Unfortunately I thought I was lucky to not have their problems, but even though they aren't the same... they are still massive problems. And now I'm having even more issues.

 

As amazing as my bf and I are when we're happy and together, we have a lot of issues. Things got better for a while but recently they've begun to get worse again. I feel like I just have too much going on right now for him. He's graduating from college in May and then he's moving back home which is three hours away. I always feel like I trigger the problems that we have. A lot of it was caused by me but the fact that it is still a problem is the result of his mental state. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me because of what I'm going through, but I feel like at times he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. He claims that he gets so cold to me because of his issues, but really I think it may be more than that. I know that I need to talk to him about this but I just can't seem to get the conversation started... I'm too afraid that he's going to tell me that I'm right and end it. I feel so responsible for what I've to the point that I'm paranoid that he secretly hates me for it. I don't know how to deal with this situation on top of everything else that I'm feeling. Should I just hold off???

[nikkilove]

Texan, I'm just reading this now but wanted to express my sympathy to you. I'm so sorry, I do know what you are going through, my sister committed suicide recently. Totally unexpected, one moment talking and laughing, the next she's dead. It's horrible the feelings of guilt, anger and sadness combined. I'm coming to a place where I know that she was not in her right mind, it had nothing to do with me, it could not have been prevented because she choose to keep silent, I'm trying to get to the point of acceptance but it's hard. It's so hard. Not only did it devastate our family, she left behind a child we are raising, and as a parent myself, it's hard to understand abandoning a child. Or perhaps her feeling like the child was better off without Mommy. It's so heartbreaking and your words describe my pain too. I just keep taking things day by day and try to be more open and accepting of people with problems, try to show compassion and help where I can, and try to do my best for my sisters child. This is how I'm getting through it.

[shortbus74]

Tex I am so sorry for your loss,

 

Nikki I am sorry for your loss as well.

 

I have one sister and I could not breath without her in my life, (we are close)

It makes my cry when I even think about losing her.