Broken Promise or time needed

[tank65]

I need advice. I stated seeing a man I knew was married I met through work. We are both professionals, we live in different states and it was just going to be a "hook up" at a conference. After our week at the conference, he continued to pursue me for a relationship, I was dating other men and told him I was not interested in anything other than hook ups at conferences because he was married. I caved and now we see each other a week every 3 months. We talk several times a day, every day at work, at night we would email and IM. His wife and he have lived in different parts of their home for 4 years. I am single-he is married, it has been 9 months and he told me in February he was in love with me and wanted a future. I put my house on the market and started looking for jobs in his state while he looked for a house for us. His wife found some IMs in March and everything changed. He has a 5 year old (we are in our 40s). He has asked me to be patient, he is not in love with his wife but he cannot leave his son. He was raised without a dad and he won't do that to his son right now. I have been single 5 years and this is the first man I have seen longer than 2 months (I have trust issues). I love him, however I don't think I should wait for any man. I want to continue but feel I may be wasting time. He stopped the after work contact and weekend contact because he doesn't want her to find my information on his phone because he doesn't want to deal with her drama if she finds it like she did the IMs. Am I being stupid? I would like a man's opinion or a woman who has been there. I have to have contact with him on a weekly basis for work so cutting him off totally will be impossible. We are scheduled to meet in 2 weeks for a week (plane tickets purchased) I was thinking of ending it then but my heart says wait for him.

[Rooke]

I don't mean to be rude..but your post is literally all over the place and I'm actually really shocked that you're in your 40's and are refusing to see all the red flags thar are right under your nose.

Firstly, you have trust issues? So why on earth would you consider a future with someone who has been lying and cheating to be with you?

If you couldnt trust someone who was potentially decent there's no way you'd be totally trusting of this man.

Secondly, I have been in a very similar situation and I'm telling you it's an excuse and lies. He's telling you he loves you, wants a future etc and he'll be telling her it was a mistake it was just once etc etc, you know why he's doing that? So he can have his cake.

He has absolutely no intention of leaving her because I guarantee he'll have been the one begging to save the marriage and not her, and that was his opportunity to leave if he wanted to.

End it now. Re sell the plane tickets and never see him again and perhaps see a professional about why you've written off other relationships when you're prepared to trust a man who's a proven cheat.

Nothing good can come of this.

[YellowShark]

1) Never EVER fish off the company pier. It can go so very wrong and then you have no escape at home, or at work. Worse still, you can lose your job over it. It's so wrong on every level.

 

2) He's married. Walk away. You are just being used for sex. You opened a door and said "I will bang you at conferences. But no more." That's exactly what he wanted to hear, free sex... and you basically handed it to him on a silver platter.

 

3) The old "we live apart in the same home" line and the "I'm only staying for my kids line." GAWD... I've read those exact lines about 10,000 times here at Loveshack.

 

4) "Her drama?!?!" WTF. She's being thrown under a bus by her husband for sex with you and she's the problem? Come on tank65, wake up.

 

IMHO you need to walk away before you lose your sanity, and job. Please.

[Lucky_One]

In March, he was more than willing (he said) to leave his wife and son. Now a D-Day happened, and he can't leave his son.

 

That makes no sense to me. Why does the D-Day make it now impossible to leave his son, when a day prior to D-Day, he was looking for a new place to live with a new woman?

[spice4life]

Honestly, this sounds like another typical MM scenario. If you continue then you will end up wasting a lot of your time by waiting. It appears that he is training you to accept the only thing he has to offer...crumbs. It's a typical M-O. He gets you hooked and then starts to manipulate you into accepting the times he can be in contact with you because he doesn't want to get caught. His actions are speaking luder than words and it appears he has no intention on leaving and probably never did. Look at it this way, if his wife really lives in a different part of the house than he does (which I highly doubt) then why would she even care what he does? That would be considered nothing more than a financial arrangement and it should not limit contact with you at nights and on the weekend. He is more committed to her than merely finances.

 

I would not make any life changes for this guy unless his actions meet his words and he shows up with divorce papers (at the very least a filing) in hand. He's pulling the wool over your eyes and is training you to accept the affair for what it is and not to have any expectations what so ever. If you don't bail now, you're in for a rocky emotional roller coaster.

[TaraMaiden]

In March, he was more than willing (he said) to leave his wife and son. Now a D-Day happened, and he can't leave his son.

 

That makes no sense to me. Why does the D-Day make it now impossible to leave his son, when a day prior to D-Day, he was looking for a new place to live with a new woman?

 

Oh Bra-Vo!

 

Very good point.

 

if this on its own isn't enough to tell you that this was a no-brainer from the start, then you are a lost cause, tank.

 

The only reason you are desperately hanging on by your bleeding fingernails is because you so desperately want to NOT have trust issues.

Boy, have you picked a smart one to get over that one, with!

[fooled once]

I need advice. I stated seeing a man I knew was married I met through work. We are both professionals, we live in different states and it was just going to be a "hook up" at a conference. After our week at the conference, he continued to pursue me for a relationship, I was dating other men and told him I was not interested in anything other than hook ups at conferences because he was married. I caved and now we see each other a week every 3 months. We talk several times a day, every day at work, at night we would email and IM. His wife and he have lived in different parts of their home for 4 years. I am single-he is married, it has been 9 months and he told me in February he was in love with me and wanted a future. I put my house on the market and started looking for jobs in his state while he looked for a house for us. His wife found some IMs in March and everything changed. He has a 5 year old (we are in our 40s). He has asked me to be patient, he is not in love with his wife but he cannot leave his son. He was raised without a dad and he won't do that to his son right now. I have been single 5 years and this is the first man I have seen longer than 2 months (I have trust issues). I love him, however I don't think I should wait for any man. I want to continue but feel I may be wasting time. He stopped the after work contact and weekend contact because he doesn't want her to find my information on his phone because he doesn't want to deal with her drama if she finds it like she did the IMs. Am I being stupid? I would like a man's opinion or a woman who has been there. I have to have contact with him on a weekly basis for work so cutting him off totally will be impossible. We are scheduled to meet in 2 weeks for a week (plane tickets purchased) I was thinking of ending it then but my heart says wait for him.

 

IMHO yes it would be stupid to wait 13 years at a minimum for a mm simce he claims to not want to leave his son.

 

 

I don't mean to be rude..but your post is literally all over the place and I'm actually really shocked that you're in your 40's and are refusing to see all the red flags thar are right under your nose.

Firstly, you have trust issues? So why on earth would you consider a future with someone who has been lying and cheating to be with you?

If you couldnt trust someone who was potentially decent there's no way you'd be totally trusting of this man.

Secondly, I have been in a very similar situation and I'm telling you it's an excuse and lies. He's telling you he loves you, wants a future etc and he'll be telling her it was a mistake it was just once etc etc, you know why he's doing that? So he can have his cake.

He has absolutely no intention of leaving her because I guarantee he'll have been the one begging to save the marriage and not her, and that was his opportunity to leave if he wanted to.

End it now. Re sell the plane tickets and never see him again and perhaps see a professional about why you've written off other relationships when you're prepared to trust a man who's a proven cheat.

Nothing good can come of this.

 

Ditto

 

In March, he was more than willing (he said) to leave his wife and son. Now a D-Day happened, and he can't leave his son.

 

That makes no sense to me. Why does the D-Day make it now impossible to leave his son, when a day prior to D-Day, he was looking for a new place to live with a new woman?

 

I was wondering the exact same thing!

 

Cancel the trip and chalk this up to a lesson learned. The plane tickets are good for a year from the date purchased.

[MissBee]

I don't mean to be rude..but your post is literally all over the place and I'm actually really shocked that you're in your 40's and are refusing to see all the red flags thar are right under your nose.

Firstly, you have trust issues? So why on earth would you consider a future with someone who has been lying and cheating to be with you?

If you couldnt trust someone who was potentially decent there's no way you'd be totally trusting of this man.

Secondly, I have been in a very similar situation and I'm telling you it's an excuse and lies. He's telling you he loves you, wants a future etc and he'll be telling her it was a mistake it was just once etc etc, you know why he's doing that? So he can have his cake.

He has absolutely no intention of leaving her because I guarantee he'll have been the one begging to save the marriage and not her, and that was his opportunity to leave if he wanted to.

End it now. Re sell the plane tickets and never see him again and perhaps see a professional about why you've written off other relationships when you're prepared to trust a man who's a proven cheat.

Nothing good can come of this.

 

Cosign.

 

The deed is done, but I also find it a bit insane to sell one's home and try to find a job in a man's city when there is NO COMMITMENT there except for word of mouth. That is a very rash thing to do. How was he looking for a house for you all when he is still married Were you planning to marry him? How can you go live with a man whom you have only seen each week every 3 months? Wouldn't it have made more sense to wait until you could atleast form some consistent, face to face relationship before buying a house together??? Not even with a boyfriend who is all mine would I do such a thing further a man I am having an affair with...it doesn't even sound like it has been going on for that long for you to even have that kind of "trust".

 

Anyway, I think you should stop the madness now and get a hold of yourself. YOU will be the one with the short end of the stick my dear as he has not sold his home, his wife may forgive him and then you're out of job, man, and house! All he will probably tell you is "Sorry" or "I love you" and that cannot help you in that case.

 

Don't wait for him. If it is worth it and meant to be then he will come find you when he has his mess all worked out...but in the mean time PROTECT YOURSELF! You so far have not, and he so far has. Stand on your own two feet and make a life for yourself. I advocate for ALL women to do that as you never want to be in a position where a man ups and leaves or doesn't follow through and you're hung out to dry! And that sounds like if he decided to do that (which may very well be the case) that you will be left in such a position....please see the truth. Regardless of if you believe him or not, what does it hurt to make some rules and boundaries about how the future will proceed and do what is in your best interest? It will be the smart thing to do as a single, smart woman and is a win-win versus throwing caution to the wind and banking on something that has NO tangible evidence. Did he even buy the house? Have you seen it? How is it being paid for? The only facts are: he is still married and he doesn't want to leave his son. That's all. Everything else seems wishy-washy and all talk. It's way too much....you made a mistake but it's not too late to snap out of it.

Edited June 5, 2011 by MissBee

[butterflycardinal]

Having been in a relationship with a MM for some time now. I would tell you "please don't." I know what you heart is telling you and I am one of those people who thinks through her heart. I would like to spare you the heartache. You were dating others? Keep doing that. What was the house supposed to be? A place for the two of you permanently? Or a place for the two of you to hook up and then he could go back to his family? Do you really want that? To go to parties alone because he can't be seen with you in public? To spend your birthday and his apart because he can't make it due to family obligations? To fall in love with his son but not be able to go to his school play? I am not saying he is a bad person or a liar. I would be willing to bet he does love you or at least cares deeply for you. But really think hard before your heart moves past the point of no return. I know you don't want the ache that lies within my heart. I wish it for no one.