constantlywondering Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Currently just as my username states I am constantly wondering about my marriage. Been married for a year and 7 mths now to a good man. He is warm hearted, has ambition in his life towards his career. However he is not good at any household chores, cannot cook, does not handle any matters personally. Do you get upset over a man that cannot help you in a day to day basis, where you just handle everything, even down to the point that you cut his toenails? because he is too lazy to do it. He is so lazy that in the morning he will not even take a shower properly, its just go in and get out after 2 mins...how do you clean yourself so quickly? These little things should they bother someone, or have I just become a nit picky weirdo? Seriously I handle everything, i handle the finances (which i enjoy doing very much and am glad he does let me handle them.) cooking, cleaning, even handling his immigration (i would think he should be the one that handles it, but nope i am the one consulting with lawyers and gathering important information.) I feel like a mom half the time. Once when we were shopping a collegue of his said is that your mom? (never knew i looked that old, or was it the fact that again i was telling him what to do) I am ranting, we both are young, we got married when he was 20 and i was 22. Too young to be getting married, Now I also work a full time job, am also advancing in my career rapidly and he is also doing the same, we both also only have a yr or so left in our degrees, but why should I be the one that handles everything else? is this how a marriage works that the women just does it all? We do have great sex, thats a good part but i think thats because we have make up sex after we fight constantly. He is good looking and I am also attractive, its just mentally sometimes i feel like my husband is just a slug. so thats why i am curious what is a marriage all about? as a women when you get married do you just cater to their neeeds and your needs get left out the window? Link to post Share on other sites
crazycatlady Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Currently just as my username states I am constantly wondering about my marriage. Been married for a year and 7 mths now to a good man. He is warm hearted, has ambition in his life towards his career. However he is not good at any household chores, cannot cook, does not handle any matters personally. Do you get upset over a man that cannot help you in a day to day basis, where you just handle everything, even down to the point that you cut his toenails? because he is too lazy to do it. He is so lazy that in the morning he will not even take a shower properly, its just go in and get out after 2 mins...how do you clean yourself so quickly? These little things should they bother someone, or have I just become a nit picky weirdo? Seriously I handle everything, i handle the finances (which i enjoy doing very much and am glad he does let me handle them.) cooking, cleaning, even handling his immigration (i would think he should be the one that handles it, but nope i am the one consulting with lawyers and gathering important information.) I feel like a mom half the time. Once when we were shopping a collegue of his said is that your mom? (never knew i looked that old, or was it the fact that again i was telling him what to do) I am ranting, we both are young, we got married when he was 20 and i was 22. Too young to be getting married, Now I also work a full time job, am also advancing in my career rapidly and he is also doing the same, we both also only have a yr or so left in our degrees, but why should I be the one that handles everything else? is this how a marriage works that the women just does it all? We do have great sex, thats a good part but i think thats because we have make up sex after we fight constantly. He is good looking and I am also attractive, its just mentally sometimes i feel like my husband is just a slug. so thats why i am curious what is a marriage all about? as a women when you get married do you just cater to their neeeds and your needs get left out the window? Did you know these things about him before you got married? I knew those things before I married my H. I went in with my eyes wide open, knowing he wasn't going to change. And you know what? After 14 years, he's just now starting to cook dinner. He does help clean - when I get to the end of my rope but hey its better then what he use to do. He's getting better at helping, but its by his own choice. They do not change for you. They might change for themselves, but they will not change for you. You need to ask yourself if you can accept this. If you knew before going into marriage he was like that...did you think he would change? And I can take a full shower and be clean in 3 minutes. Some people just don't take long showers. That's including washing and conditioning my hair (but I don't leave my conditioner in very long. So I can imagine a guy can manage in 2. One thing...as long as you handle all the matters....he will not. And if you want him to handle them. You need to give them to him and DO NOT NAG. He has to do it or not do it and its sink or swim. But decide if you can deal with this before children come along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author constantlywondering Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 Did you know these things about him before you got married? I knew those things before I married my H. I went in with my eyes wide open, knowing he wasn't going to change. And you know what? After 14 years, he's just now starting to cook dinner. He does help clean - when I get to the end of my rope but hey its better then what he use to do. He's getting better at helping, but its by his own choice. They do not change for you. They might change for themselves, but they will not change for you. You need to ask yourself if you can accept this. If you knew before going into marriage he was like that...did you think he would change? And I can take a full shower and be clean in 3 minutes. Some people just don't take long showers. That's including washing and conditioning my hair (but I don't leave my conditioner in very long. So I can imagine a guy can manage in 2. One thing...as long as you handle all the matters....he will not. And if you want him to handle them. You need to give them to him and DO NOT NAG. He has to do it or not do it and its sink or swim. But decide if you can deal with this before children come along. I did not know that at all, we were very quick in getting married.. QUITE SPONTANEOUS. dated for 2 months, and we got married the 3rd month. I didnt even have a wedding, it was a civil marriage. I guess i just enjoy longer showers! I dont know how he does it in 2 mins...but oh well. I would like him to change some things, at least help out. I do tell him things to do because i get fed up of always doing them, and i always end up being disappointed because he never does them. I just feel frustrated and we end up in fights. Link to post Share on other sites
crazycatlady Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 I did not know that at all, we were very quick in getting married.. QUITE SPONTANEOUS. dated for 2 months, and we got married the 3rd month. I didnt even have a wedding, it was a civil marriage. I guess i just enjoy longer showers! I dont know how he does it in 2 mins...but oh well. I would like him to change some things, at least help out. I do tell him things to do because i get fed up of always doing them, and i always end up being disappointed because he never does them. I just feel frustrated and we end up in fights. Oh that was a quick courtship. I knew well what I was getting into.... You can't nag, nagging only gets them to feel resentful, unhappy etc etc even if it is justified. Divide the chores....and then turn a blind eye to it when its not done. Don't nag, just don't do it. And wait it out until its done. Did he live at home before you were married? I will recommend to my children that anyone they get involve with should be someone who has lived alone befre they move in together lol. I wish I had let my H live some time alone before we moved in together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author constantlywondering Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 Oh that was a quick courtship. I knew well what I was getting into.... You can't nag, nagging only gets them to feel resentful, unhappy etc etc even if it is justified. Divide the chores....and then turn a blind eye to it when its not done. Don't nag, just don't do it. And wait it out until its done. Did he live at home before you were married? I will recommend to my children that anyone they get involve with should be someone who has lived alone befre they move in together lol. I wish I had let my H live some time alone before we moved in together. I dont think anyone can really understand how i frustrated i am and how close i am to hating him. I want to have a divorce, again he left me hanging out to dry because once again i am doing everything. he did live alone before we got married. Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondLimits Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Anything that bothers you in the beginning will become fodder for fights years later causing resentment etc. and possibly overshadow any of the good that was there. Our sex is about the only thing left and sometimes there's guilt now with that too^ Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I want to have a divorce, again he left me hanging out to dry because once again i am doing everything. What do you mean by this? Are you saying that he has basically given you free reign over the future divorce? Not the brightest husband in the world... Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 In my opinion and in my experience, a marriage should be a partnership, two people working together and building a family and future, not one person handling everything and having to always tell the other person what to do. If you feel like his mother instead of his lover and best friend and compadre, that's a problem. We both pull our weight, we each do the chores we are better suited for by experience or temperament. We take care of each other and our children. Sometimes one of us shoulders more if the other needs a break, but it's temporary and done out of love, not obligation. Life is more than just a job, if we were both working but only one of us was managing everything to do with our household and family that one would quickly grow to resent the other, doesn't matter if you're talking wife or husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 What's a marriage? It's a partnership where both are more or less equal and you support each other physically, emotionally, sexually and otherwise. You're a team and as my husband is so fond of saying "there is not "I" in team." Sometimes he cooks. Sometimes I cook. Sometimes he takes out the garbage. Sometimes I do. He cleans the house, but I do the grocery shopping and bill paying. He looks after the car. Both of us handle our investments. We discuss major purchases. He does his own laundry. I do mine. We both do our child's laundry and we split childcare duties. We don't have some schedule or list to do this. It just happens naturally. Sometimes one of us has a bad day so the other one takes up the slack, but it's never so one-sided that one of us gets really resentful. By the way, I can take quick showers of five minutes or so. My husband takes long showers and he doesn't understand how someone can take a shower so quickly. The man you've described sounds similar to my father. My mother never trained him out of his bad habits so he's still like that. If you accept things the way they are, they will remain so your whole life. It's up to you to take a stand now and nip things in the bud (to mix metaphors!). Link to post Share on other sites
Linda9999 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 You cannot change him. If you think you can you are fooling yourself and setting yourself up for a whole lotta heartache. You can, however, change yourself. Quit doing everything yourself and do what you feel is your share. Talk to him and explain how you feel (NOT what you think he should be doing, but how YOU feel). Invest some time in yourself and give him the chance to change himself too. You kinda got yourself into this by not finding out what he was like before you married him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author constantlywondering Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 I wanted to say thank you to all your replies, gave me a lot to think about, and I definetly do agree I got myself in this situation because I didnt know him very well at all. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Often when women complain about having to take care of the needs of their men, they actually complain about needs that the men themselves dont consider their own needs. For example a guy's place is usually messy because he doesnt care about neatness in the first place. It simply doesnt bother him. So if his girlfriend or wife thinks that she needs to clean up the place, she is doing that for herself, not for him since whether the place is messy or not is irrelevant to him. In relationships, women tend to want to change their men. In marriages, especially women tend to start treating their husbands like their sons. They want them to behave in a certain way and look in a certain way. Edited June 13, 2011 by musemaj11 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Often when women complain about having to take care of the needs of their men, they actually complain about needs that the men themselves dont consider their own needs. For example a guy's place is usually messy because he doesnt care about neatness in the first place. It simply doesnt bother him. So if his girlfriend or wife thinks that she needs to clean up the place, she is doing that for herself, not for him since whether the place is messy or not is irrelevant to him. In relationships, women tend to want to change their men. In marriages, especially women tend to start treating their husbands like their sons. They want them to behave in a certain way and look in a certain way. You will defend the male species and being single no matter what won't you? The challenge is that once in a partnership one side cannot do everything. That is unfair. Also, not all men are messy! Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 The challenge is that once in a partnership one side cannot do everything. That is unfair. And a partnership doesnt mean you can force the other person to need something that you need. Also, not all men are messy! Did someone say all men are messy? Im not messy. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) I dont think anyone can really understand how i frustrated i am and how close i am to hating him. I want to have a divorce, again he left me hanging out to dry because once again i am doing everything. he did live alone before we got married. I would definitely divorce him. Marriage should not be like that. I want a guy who does his share in the household and is clean on himself. You are his partner, not his maid and definitely not his slave (cutting his toenails, pleeaase). I don't want to stereotype but does he happen to be from African origin? Coz I've known some cases like that when an African student married a nice girl he met at the university of the country for which he got some vague scholarship and then went on to live like a leech on her. Always ended in divorce though often not as quickly as it should have because he fathered some kids with her first. Edited June 14, 2011 by PinkInTheLimo Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Are you saying that he has basically given you free reign over the future divorce? Not the brightest husband in the world... Well it does not sound like he has any money too lose, probably has no job and living off her money. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Marriage is the uniting of a man and woman or those that desire to live a lifetime with one another. It is a union between two people who love one another. Marriage is uniquely beneficial to society because it is the foundation of the family and the basic building block of society. Society doesnt need marriage. Society simply needs human mating pairs who reproduce and raise their offspring until adulthood. Link to post Share on other sites
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