Recognising Self Esteem Issues

[OWoman]

Everyone seems to be missing my point.

If you're happy being the OW/OM then that's okay.

If the WS leaves for you and keeps promises then that's okay.

My post was aimed for people who are not happy in the situation but hang on believing promises that will never come to fruition, like I did.

 

Your post / intention was probably misread because it opened with:

 

I think it's important for anyone in an A to start concentrating on their self esteem.

 

If you're going to make sweeping statements that include EVERYONE in an A - whether happy or otherwise - then anyone in an A, whether happy or otherwise, will read that statement as being intended for them and will reply to it as such. Post-hoc qualifications that "it wasn't intended for them" will seem like an afterthought since the opening salvo clearly stated that it was intended to apply to anyone in an A, not only those who were unhappy.

[OWoman]

The only exception to this, it seems, is if the OW has autism or an anti-social personality disorder where they find it difficult or even impossible to feel compassion.

 

:sick: :sick: Have you ever known anyone with ASD? I'd like to believe that that comment was made out of ignorance rather than out of some sick prejudice.

[liverpool fc]

self esteem in my opinion is big, lots of things can affect it eg how other people are going in there life as well as yours. age also has a difference in my opinion. to me if i think about something and it is bothering me then i try to think why it is bothering me and what i can do about it and how quickly can i react

[turnstone]

:sick: :sick: Have you ever known anyone with ASD? I'd like to believe that that comment was made out of ignorance rather than out of some sick prejudice.

 

Oh I'm very prejudiced against anyone who has no compassion, including psychos - otherwise known as suffering with antisocial personality disorder. The fact you think its sick is very telling

[Rooke]

Your post / intention was probably misread because it opened with:

 

 

 

If you're going to make sweeping statements that include EVERYONE in an A - whether happy or otherwise - then anyone in an A, whether happy or otherwise, will read that statement as being intended for them and will reply to it as such. Post-hoc qualifications that "it wasn't intended for them" will seem like an afterthought since the opening salvo clearly stated that it was intended to apply to anyone in an A, not only those who were unhappy.

 

Un necessarily pedantic as I only omitted the word 'unhappy' from that sentence.

I simply do not have time to scrutinise and re read posts to check for grammar, spelling, etc, which is why I rectified it so no need to state the obvious.

[pureinheart]

Oh I'm very prejudiced against anyone who has no compassion, including psychos - otherwise known as suffering with antisocial personality disorder. The fact you think its sick is very telling

 

Wow, I really can't believe this...

[OWoman]

Un necessarily pedantic as I only omitted the word 'unhappy' from that sentence.

I simply do not have time to scrutinise and re read posts to check for grammar, spelling, etc, which is why I rectified it so no need to state the obvious.

 

I guess if you can't be bothered to check your posts for accuracy before posting then people will continue to responded to what you actually post, rather than what you may have intended to post. If that's a risk you're happy to take, fair enough

[Ellin]

I think it's important for anyone in an A to start concentrating on their self esteem.

If you are a confident, centred person who doesn't look to others for validation then it wouldn't even be in your radar to accept being second best, being a tiny part if you MM/MW life wouldn't be acceptable to you.

Create an 'Absolute No' list, a list in which you will no longer behave in ways that would be detrimental to you so you can put yourself first. It doesn't have to be related to an A but on my list is "I will no longer invest time in relationships that I know in my heart have no future"

Being second best isn't a nice feeling, it isn't self esteem building or an encouraging situation.

Why are you compromising who you are for a tiny slice of the pie?

Breaking it off may be painful, but so much less painful than waiting for D day and realising you've lost and you'll always lose.

Also, think about the karma you're sending out into the world, how would you feel if you found out your husband or wife was doing this to you?

A few hours of pleasure isn't worth the pain it'll cause.

It's about asking yourself "How have I allowed myself to get into this situation?"

Yes the WS will end up hurting their BS but it doesn't have to you who's responsible for causing the hurt.

If you love yourself enough, then don't "settle" for what's not right.

 

It's a nice and valuable post, but I wonder if low self-esteem is one of the things that cause an OW to perceive herself as second-best, who's only getting "scraps" from the man she loves, while someone else is getting all the goodies.

 

Perhaps a confident OW would not see it that way and perhaps it wouldn't look that way from a BW's or someone else's point of view.

[OWoman]

It's a nice and valuable post, but I wonder if low self-esteem is one of the things that cause an OW to perceive herself as second-best, who's only getting "scraps" from the man she loves, while someone else is getting all the goodies.

 

Perhaps a confident OW would not see it that way and perhaps it wouldn't look that way from a BW's or someone else's point of view.

 

Perhaps it's mutually reinforcing. That subset of OWs with low self-esteem might perceive themselves only to be "second best" and only worthy of "second best", so that's what they settle for, and that's how they interpret what they get, which in turn underscores to them that that is all they are worth? While those OWs who do not have low self esteem demand, and get, more and better, and see that as their due, and in turn interpret that as their due, reinforcing their healthy self-esteem?

[BB07]

Rooke, I'm sorry that your thread has been picked apart as it has. The picking has taken away from the point of the thread which is those who have suffered with low self esteem. I applaud you for having the courage to post about it and how it has affected you.

 

I'm one of those women and it has manifested itself in big ways and small ways throughout my life. It's a difficult balance.......we need to love ourselves but yet not be so in love with ourselves that we treat others badly.

 

Hugs.........Rooke.

[Rooke]

Thankyou BB. I was simply trying to offer some words of comfort and introduce a notice that perhaps people had not yet considered.

I though that was what this was all about, seeking comfort and people willing and wanting to change behaviour and thought processes.

In future I think I will keep my opinions to myself, I have come through the other side and if people want to pick apart something I feel is positive then I don't really see why I should bother.

Hugs to you too.

[Rooke]

Although I appreciate everyone that came forward and admitted that this may have been an issue for them too, especially the poster who said he is realising that he should set limits on toxic people or perhaps remove them completely.

[Silly_Girl]

Although I appreciate everyone that came forward and admitted that this may have been an issue for them too, especially the poster who said he is realising that he should set limits on toxic people or perhaps remove them completely.

 

Rooke, don't be disheartened if your thread gets a bit rough n' tumble. It's your journey that's important. I find a few threads I started a long time ago still cross my mind occasionally now. It was a great outlet. For every one person who you agree/connect with, there's lots more you don't.

 

If there's changes you'd like to make in your life, do it!

[Rooke]

I don't mind if people disagree because I realise this wouldn't be the case for everyone. However I don't see the necessity of putting a negative on to a positive. When I first came here it was a huge source of comfort to me and I wanted to return those sentiments by sharing discoveries I have made.

I really whole heartedly believe that had I been more confident I really wouldn't have accepted being kept in the garden like a dog and thrown out scraps on occasion.

[2sure]

Having been an OW myself, my biggest concern in the infidelity mess is often for OW.

 

Ive have said before, as you just did:

Strong, stable, confident and independent single women do not even consider relationships with men who are unavailable.

Even those not looking for a serious full time relationship will avoid the drama and cliché of involving themselves with someone else's problem.

 

For the married partner the affair is often a band-aid for something - a disconnected marriage, a deflated ego, boredom.

 

For the single partner - the affair often covers but does not fill a hole of some kind. My problem with this is that during the affair, the hole remains but OW is distracted from it . She is not tending to a serious issue that will remain whether the affair ends or continues.

[fascinated]

It often seems to be compensatory. However great they seem to think they are, it doesn't seem like enough to make them feel really good about themselves. Some may choose to string multiple partners along in an attempt for validation.

 

I think people with high self-esteem and an ability to really love are not likely to choose a life based on deceiving those they claim to love or to support someone they love in behaving in that way.

 

 

I'll second the notion that this is very well articulated and succinct.

[jsb58]

Having been an OW myself, my biggest concern in the infidelity mess is often for OW.

 

Ive have said before, as you just did:

Strong, stable, confident and independent single women do not even consider relationships with men who are unavailable.

Even those not looking for a serious full time relationship will avoid the drama and cliché of involving themselves with someone else's problem.

 

For the married partner the affair is often a band-aid for something - a disconnected marriage, a deflated ego, boredom.

 

For the single partner - the affair often covers but does not fill a hole of some kind. My problem with this is that during the affair, the hole remains but OW is distracted from it . She is not tending to a serious issue that will remain whether the affair ends or continues.

This is the best post hands down that I have ever read on this forum.

[Rooke]

Having been an OW myself, my biggest concern in the infidelity mess is often for OW.

 

Ive have said before, as you just did:

Strong, stable, confident and independent single women do not even consider relationships with men who are unavailable.

Even those not looking for a serious full time relationship will avoid the drama and cliché of involving themselves with someone else's problem.

 

For the married partner the affair is often a band-aid for something - a disconnected marriage, a deflated ego, boredom.

 

For the single partner - the affair often covers but does not fill a hole of some kind. My problem with this is that during the affair, the hole remains but OW is distracted from it . She is not tending to a serious issue that will remain

whether the affair ends or continues.

 

 

Precisely my point, if you're sure of yourself and your boundaries and what you deserve, this wouldn't even be on your radar. You wouldn't even deign to give an unavailable man attention other than platonic for fear of inviting this mess and drama into your life, and when you're already unstable and shaky, then being in a situation like this compounds that and it becomes a vicious circle.

Thankyou for saying it better than I did.

[Owl]

I've noticed one thing.

 

It seems to me that the majority (I won't say all, but I will say a majority) of the OW or OM posters I've seen on this site and others either struggle with low self-esteem...or a massive excess of it.

 

The ones that aren't struggling with low self-esteem are quite commonly on the opposite end of the scale...they're beyond confidant, they're convinced that what they want is more important than the wants/needs of others.

 

They're commonly the ones that simply don't care who is/will be hurt by the fulfillment of their wants.

 

It's not everyone, nor am I pointing fingers or naming names.

 

But am I the only one who's noticed that it seems that most A partners tend to come from one of these two extremes?

[Rooke]

I think that's very true Owl. I'm glad you came and shared your wisdom because more often than not you are spot on.

[donnamaybe]

I've noticed one thing.

 

It seems to me that the majority (I won't say all, but I will say a majority) of the OW or OM posters I've seen on this site and others either struggle with low self-esteem...or a massive excess of it.

 

The ones that aren't struggling with low self-esteem are quite commonly on the opposite end of the scale...they're beyond confidant, they're convinced that what they want is more important than the wants/needs of others.

 

They're commonly the ones that simply don't care who is/will be hurt by the fulfillment of their wants.

 

It's not everyone, nor am I pointing fingers or naming names.

 

But am I the only one who's noticed that it seems that most A partners tend to come from one of these two extremes?

Nope. You aren't.

[MissBee]

For me being an OW has nothing to do with my self esteem that is all I am saying. I was confident before him, will be confident if I am with him or will still remain confident if the situation ends in a disaster !

 

I'm not saying the situation is ideal and sometimes it is kinda sucky but what does that have to do with self-esteem.

 

Confident people are not always in perfect relationships.

 

All relationship are just lessons to me. You learn the lesson if it was a good relationship or a bad one. Then you reflect on it and hopefully become even more confident than you were to begin with.

 

Heartbreak should never lower someones esteem !! My relationships with men does not define my worth or self esteem.. I would truly hope that woman out there realize that a man, situation or even an abusive situation does not define you in any way !

 

Thought the same thing too....

 

Only recently have I learned that the idea of self love, self worth and so forth are very intricate and you can have a deficit in self worth but be oblivious to it! It is only upon an examination of your behaviors and teasing out why you do the things you do, do you really realize where it comes from.

 

There is a continuum of self esteem and some people's lack of it is obvious and some is not so obvious.

 

I had boundaries in that I wouldn't do certain things and I was picky about certain things, I'm intelligent, pretty, so on and so forth but I had no clue that 1. I was playing out relationship patterns based on my parent's relationship completely unaware and 2. I was able to market myself but I truly did not KNOW myself.

 

That's what it is....only when you become fully self aware do you realize how ignorant you were before. Most people never awaken to that realization, it is usually when you get slapped in the face by something that you realize that what is on the surface that may seem shiny and nice, is in fact not so.

 

And as I said in one of my other posts (I think I should have made a clarification post that I am also Beeotch, but was having a problem with that login so made another...but yea I am) I am around women and in a group with women who are the typical confident women. They are successful, many are PhDs, all are college educated, most are above average in looks, they date "successful men" too and so on and NOBODY is going to say "You poor dear with issues of selfworth"...but surprise, it plagues them too. It is not some disease of a certain kind...it is a reality many women face whether through incorrect messages growing up as a child, through societal messages and the list goes on. It was only when they started questioning why they chose unavailable men....did it become apparent that something was lacking behind their confident, happy, successful exterior.

 

I say and will always say that choosing unavailable people is a sign that something is wrong and it is tied to your fears and the messages you have internalized on a subconscious level about yourself. Regardless of if you admit it or know it...it is what it is. Up to earlier this year, I didn't realize my own deficit until I was slapped in the face by the fact that I had a penchant for unavailable me (whether they had someone else or were emotionally unavailable etc). Now it blows my mind that I was walking around thinking I was so consciously making these choices and I was the shyt when in reality I was choosing shyt on premises I hadn't realized.

You attract what you are I believe and the situations that come to you in life are a reflection of your inner reality.

[jsb58]

But in here, from what Ive read - those that seem the most confident in uncaring how their actions affect others - are nearly transparent in their loneliness and insecurity. I dont say anything because they just arent ready to hear it. They come here to validate themselves. I dont even think some of them are having affairs.

 

It is common for some who overcompensate for their vast insecurities to come off as overly confident. Forgiving my limited knowledge of the players here but when a person has a healthy self esteem, they do not need the level of attention and validation that I am reading from some of the more confident on the forum.

[MissBee]

It is common for some who overcompensate for their vast insecurities to come off as overly confident. Forgiving my limited knowledge of the players here but when a person has a healthy self esteem, they do not need the level of attention and validation that I am reading from some of the more confident on the forum.

 

Ditto

 

It takes courage to go beyond the illusion and really self discover....and many people who think they have high selfworth truly think they do...so it is not even as if they are lying to people, they're lying to themselves first! And lying to yourself first makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be truthful to anyone else and it is very subversive as you truly do not realize.

[MissBee]

Available is as available does. Not all MMs are unavailable. And some strong, stable, confident and independent single women require a level of availability best matched by an A.

 

Just because someone's own experience may have been that they were broken when they had an A does not mean that everyone who has an A is broken. Only a narcissist could assume that their experience was universal without at least considering the possibility that perhaps they lacked the grounds to make that kind of assumption.

 

Isn't qualifying availability to a level just the same as unavailable?

 

You're either available or not...if it needs to be qualified then it is essentially unavailable with the exception of in some instances.