complicated situation... need different version of "no contact"

[smsrunner]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've read quite a bit of this forum tonight, and I'm learning quite a bit. My situation is very similar to many here, but I'd like some advice in my specific situation. There are a lot of details that I think are important, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

In Nov/Dec. I pursued a girl at school for awhile and kept getting the response that she's not ready for a relationship yet. She found out last March that her last bf of 2 yrs. cheated on her, so they broke up. She told me she wasn't over that yet, so she couldn't be with me. Long story short, we acted like best friends, but I constantly did things to try to win her (flowers, writing poems, playing songs for her, etc.) In Nov., she told me I was breaking through her walls, and that was the start of "us." I think I convinced her that I'm different, and that I would always be honest with her, and if I decided to pursue other girls, that I'd tell her first.

 

Things developed between us extremely fast. We spent every minute of free time together and I stayed at her place almost every night. I was graduating in Dec., so it was tough to think about the fact that I was going back home (850 miles away). Her permanant home is only 2 hrs. away from mine, so it would make it easier during breaks. Anyway, within about 6 weeks, she was already telling me that somehow I'm different, and that she knows i'm the one she wants to be with for the rest of her life. To be honest, I felt the same way, but I felt weird saying it for some reason. I guess the traditional timeline had brainwashed me. We spent some time together during xmas break (and she cried when I drove 2 hrs. to see her xmas night, saying it made her realize how much I loved her), but she spent new year's with a friend (male) of hers who she had made plans with before we were together. I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect her to spend the night with me, but I wasn't able to convince her. She told me we'd have years of xmas's, new years, etc. together, and that she didn't want to break her word to her friend.

 

She went back to school in Jan, and we talked several times every day. She kept telling me that she was depressed about me not being there, and eventually she asked me through email (saying she'd never be able to ask me on the phone and that she didn't want to talk about it) to help her find a psychologist near the univ. I did, and she got meds and started writing in a journal to try to figure out why she feels certain things and why feelings changed day to day. I was always available for her to talk to about anything. I surprised her by driving down for Valentine's Day in feb, and she jumped in my arms when she walked in her door and found me lying on her bed. It just made me realize what we had become. I spent a few days there, and at the end of it, she told me that she wasn't really feeling "lovey dovey" about me anymore, but she can still see our future.

 

I visited her again in late feb. for her bday. Because of certain conversations and having to wait longer for her to return calls throughout feb, I got the idea that something was up. Reluctantly, I decided to read her journal (she told me I was the only one who knew she had one) to get some answers, and I read that she had slept with another guy in Jan. I also read that she felt horrible because she had betrayed me, and that she could never tell me because of fear of losing me. I read this on her bday, and went through the night out with all her friends at dinner, then at the club, without saying anything. We got into a bad argument at the club, and after not talking for a few hrs., sat down to talk to her when we got back to her place. I asked her if she'd slept with anyone, specifically the guy in the journal and another guy who I found out "gave her butterflies." She said no, so I told her I read her journal. She basically repeated what she wrote in her journal about not wanting to tell me cuz it was over, and she didn't think i needed to know cuz she loves me now. She was upset with me for reading her journal, and I was obviously upset with her.

 

I flew home the next day, and we were "still together, but trying to figure stuff out." It was going to be hard to forgive each other. The next 5 weeks, I got really upset cuz she almost never called me unless I left her a message, and even then it took her a couple days. She began working full time while having a full class sched, so i knew she was busy, but i thought she could have easily found more time for me. Her reasoning was that she was too busy, and that she doesn't NEED to talk to me more than once or twice a week in order for us to be together. When we did talk, it was for no more than 5 minutes. The thing that made me snap a few times was that she was going out 3 or 4 nights per week, and I'd call her or email her with nastily sarcastic messages saying "I'm gonna stop annoying you with my phone calls... i'll let you call me when you want to talk so I don't scare you away"... but I was too weak to do that.

 

Well, 2 weekends ago, I talked to her for about 30 seconds on friday cuz she was going to work and had to go, but told me she'd call me later that night. The call never came, so i called sat a few times, then again sunday a few times, and she never called back, never emailed or anything. So I left a message sunday night saying, "unless there's a really good reason why you haven't called for a few days after saying you would, then we're through, cuz i can't take this crap... I don't want to be the only one putting any effort into this." She called back at 3am when i was sleeping, and i woke up to hear her tell me that she left her cell phone in her friend's car friday night, and her friend went away for the weekend and she just got her phone back (her cell is the only phone she has). I guess my message really hurt her, and she just went along with the idea of us being through.

 

I've tried getting her back every day since, but yesterday she told me that she loves me as like a best friend, but isn't in love with me. I asked since when, and she told me since the message last weekend. I've sent her tons of poems, song lyrics, email after email expressing my love for her, and that i'm sorry, and if i realized she didn't have a phone, i wouldn't have been so upset. We've talked each of the last few days at least once, but the entire conversations have been me asking her quesions about her feelings, and her telling me that she doesn't feel that way toward me anymore... that for awhile she hasn't been all about "us" in the present, but saw us spending the future together. Now she says it's getting difficult for he to see the future with me. I'm not sure if she's planning to see other people or just be on her own. I've basically begged for her not to, and that I'd do anything she wants, including accept how often she wants to talk to me if we could just both promise not to be with anyone else, and just wait til she graduates next year to see what happens.

 

I would try the "no contact" thing (though it'd be difficult for me) but there's another thing... In feb, she got into a bad accident and needed to get a car, so we tried to find one while i was there for valentine's day, but didn't, so i got her a car when i got back home and planned to drive it down for her bday. It broke down about 20 min after leaving my house, but i still wanted to visit, so i drove my car down and flew back home leaving her with my car until i got hers fixed. The problem has ended up being more expensive than she or I could afford, so it's sitting at the shop. Soooo... she has my car, and i'm driving a relative's extra car. I don't want to leave her carless, cuz she has to go to school, work, etc., but I can't drive her car to her, and it's not getting fixed any time soon. So we have to at least be able to talk about what we're gonna do about the car situation. Is there a different version of the "no contact" idea that would work here?

 

I'm gonna be about 4 hrs. from her in mid may for a family trip, and i had planned to visit her. i asked if she wanted to see me, but she told me she was gonna be working until like 11 each night, and that i'd only get to see her get home and fall asleep within an hour due to exhaustion from work, so she said i could if i wanted to accept that. She also told me she was planning to stay with me for a couple days in may on her way home to surpise her sister at her graduation. I'm not sure if she's still planning to do that. I don't know what to do. She is the first girl I've really loved, and I love her more than I ever imagined i could love anyone. I know I want to be with her for the rest of my life, or at least i can't see anything else happening. How do I get her back? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm sorry this was so long... i've always been long-winded. Thanks in advance.

 

~Shaun

[hurtingandconfused]

First off, get a hold of yourself!

Second, fly back and get your car back.

Third, It's over.

 

 

I constantly did things to try to win her...she told me I was breaking through her walls

She told you that she had issues. You should have taken that as a "RED FLAG," and respected her boundaries. You cannot "win" someone over. Dating her after her recent break up caused harm in your relationship. Next time, learn from your mistakes.

 

I read that she had slept with another guy in Jan. I also read that she felt horrible because she had betrayed me

She lied to you and even worse she was never going to tell you. So you decided to take matters in your own and disrespected her privacy. Not a healthy relationship.

 

I got really upset cuz she almost never called me unless I left her a message, and even then it took her a couple days.

You should have taken the hint here. She clearly did not want a relationship. You have been calling her too much. Way way too much. I'm sorry but I believe that you should not call her for a while. (However, you should call her once more this month to let her know that you are going to pick up your car.)

 

I asked since when, and she told me since the message last weekend.

I just love it when women lie.(being sarcastic) And ya that's a lie also.

 

I'm sorry man, but she is using you. She clearly stated that she does not see herself with you in the future. Furthermore, she has said that she did not love you in that way. She loves you, but love for a brother. She knows that she can do whatever she wants and you will still love her and do anything for her. She's stepping all over you and you are letting yourself.

 

You have to be strong and accept the fact that she's gone. You have to earn your dignity back. And of course get your car back.

 

I'm sorry I know that you did not want to hear what I posted. The truth hurts. But it's time to move on.

[smsrunner]

Thanks for your opinion and advice. I'm honestly giving it thought. Some more comments/question though. I didn't consider her last break-up as being recent. It was 7 months before I met her. She told me that I helped her to finally finish getting over him.

 

I realize that trust became a big issue in our relationship once i violated her privacy and found out she cheated on me. It was an issue on both ends, and we agreed to try to work on it, and that even though forgiving would be difficult, that we'd give it time. I know that wasn't a healthy part of the relationship.

 

She has told me a lot during the past week about what her feeling were all along. She said that originally, everything was there for her, and she was sure we would be together forever. Then, I'm assuming as a result of my jealousy (which i just realized i was), her immediate feelings toward me dropped gradually since she went back to school. She resented the fact that i seemed to be getting upset when she chose to go out a lot over have a long conversation with me once in a while. But she told me a couple days ago that even during that time, she could still clearly see our future, doing all the things we talked about, like travelling to certain countries, how many kids we wanted, and even decided on a couple names. I'm sure she was not just about getting me to do things for her, cuz i did anything to help her even before we were together... one day, she called me up and asked me to come over, and when i got there, she kissed me... she initiated that, as well as the first time we made love. Anyway, so she said she still planned on us in the future, just that she wasn't into the relationship as much as me for right now. She said she wanted to wait until she graduated, so we could live close again and move thiings forward. She said that my message telling her that we were through slowly made it more and more difficult to see the future. But she said that those feelings may very well change back... that it just needs time.

 

I now realize that I HAVE been calling her way to much this past week. The last time we spoke was yesterday. I called her on my break at work, while she was in class, which i've done several times in the past few months.... just to leave a message to say i'm thinking about her and to call when she gets a chance. Well she forgot to turn off her phone, so it rang in class, and she turned it off and disconnected me. So i called back to leave the message, and she called when she got out of class. She was pissed at me for embarrassing her and getting her in trouble and said "what you have to tell me better be really important." I said "no, no emergency, i was just..." she cut me off "no, you had nothing to tell me, of course not, well i'm going to class, i'll talk to you later". So i emailed her a couple hrs. later apologizing for embarrassing her etc... she emailed back an hour later with "Sorry i snapped at you earlier. I was embarrassed and did get in a little trouble. But it totally wasn't your fault, it was mine! I am the one who left my cellphone on! So, again, i am terribly sorry for being a bitch earlier" neither of us has tried to make contact since... that was yesterday afternoon.

 

A day definitely isn't a long time, though it feels like it to me, but she's used to me calling to leave a message for her every day during my break at work and almost every afternon or night to talk, or at least leave a message saying i hope her day was good, to call me when she gets a chance, and goodnight. So by the end of today, i know she'll notice the difference if she hasn't already.

 

As for her using me, I thought she was for a long time during the past couple months. If she was using me, I don't see why she would end things or give me any reason to end things when not having a car would put her in a really bad situation. She has to drive a ton to and from class and work... busy from 8am til 10pm every day. Maybe i'm still blinded by love, but please let me know what you think based on this additional info. I really appreciate the advice... i've liked just about all the advice you've given on this forum, so i'm going to give serious consideration to anything you say... i'm just covering everything for my own sake... i want to be sure of what i do. Thanks again, and i ask for help from anyone.

 

~Shaun

[hurtingandconfused]

I don't know what you want to hear. I broke up your paragraphs and wrote what I thought for each of them(But I can't post it..I'll tell you straight out)...I honestly do not see her "love you." I will tell you what I think. This is only my advice, so I might be wrong.

 

After she's done with college she's going to leave you. If she loved you she would be with you no matter what. If my g/f called me during class I would tell her what happened and not yell at her. She called you back to apologize because she didn't want you to take the car away. And the whole future with her...We all did it...and most of us didn't follow through with the plans. I think that it's time for you to adjust your plans as well.

 

I'm sorry that you cannot see through her. You will sooner or later.