caught my boyfriend watching porn and looking at rude pics

[mrsjcvd]

A few weeks ago me and my partner were on the sofa 'messing around' to put it nicely, when i turned round to look at him i noticed he was looking at a pic of a naked lady on his pc, which is just next to the sofa and he quickly minimised it so i wouldnt see it... i didnt say anything to him was completely shocked and just walked out of the room and left him on his own.

he obviously knew i had seen it and we didnt speak about it, i was just a bit moody with him .

A few days ago i decided to go to bed early and my partner stayed down stairs to finish his programme he was watching, but when i popped back down, he was at his computer and minimised the screen again... i knew he had been looking at something...

the next day i got up early and looked at the history on the computer and he had been watching all sorts of porn videos! it looks like he has been doing this for months! I am really upset and disheartened, i already have low self esteem because of having our baby 7 months ago and have put on a lot of weight, i am worried he doesnt find me attractive anymore... i really hate porn and think it is an insult that he wants to watch it! I am too shy to say anything to him though, but he knows I know... it bugs me every day,.... dont know what to do....

[LucreziaBorgia]

You've got two things to do: work on your self esteem and build up enough courage and strength to state plainly how you are feeling.

 

Are you working on losing weight? I don't think you should do it to feel more attractive for him, but so that you can start feeling better about yourself. Exercising can also help with stress, and can give you some time to turn inward during your workouts and really give some thought as to how you want to address this situation.

 

Once you start losing weight and feeling stronger and better about yourself you might find that you are gaining some inner strength as well. It almost sounds like you feel that because you put on weight, that you are almost obligated to let him look at this stuff out of some guilt you may be feeling. That is not good. Start getting your body in shape so that you can feel better about yourself and better in general (exercise helps with depression), then getting your mind in a stronger place, and then you will hopefully not feel yourself so 'shy' about making your needs known.

 

If you try to address this situation from a position of low self esteem, guilt and shame then you will end up only making yourself more angry and frustrated. Get strong first, then go for it. You can't stand up for yourself if you have trouble standing at all.

[ZombieBarbie]

^ good advice.

 

Even after you lose weight and start looking and feeling fabulous again, he's still going to look at porn. No man will ever be content just looking at one pair of ta ta's his whole life, so try not to take it too personally. I know my bf thinks I'm sexy as hell, but I am also not stupid and know he is still a man, and looks at porn. He just has the decency to hide it VERY well, so I don't even see it.

 

However... If your man feels the need to look at while you are messing around, nor tries to hide it very well, that is disrespectful to you, and you have every right to say something about it.

[spiderowl]

Sorry this has happened to you. How inconsiderate of your partner to be looking at porn while having fun with you. Personally, I don't think your self-esteem is the problem here. You may well be feeling very demoralised by weight gain and so on, but does that excuse your partner's behaviour? I think not. Actually, I think his behaviour was dispicable, not because he was looking at porn when you went to bed (I suspect that's not uncommon and pretty harmless) but while having fun with you!! What kind of jerk is he?

 

I know you have a lot to deal with with a young child and it must be a terrible shock to find the person you trusted can do something like this. I know what I would want to do if in your position and that is dump him. I can't advise you to do that as you must work out what matters to you, but his rudeness would have been quite shocking to me. My self-esteem would have told me a guy who behaved like that deserves to know what a jerk he is. You must work out for yourself what it means to you on an emotional level. I feel sorry that you have been made to feel like this by your guy.

[kaculka]

i know how you feel and it is not very good. In my case it is not my weight it is just that he prefers porn no matter what i do he hides the fact but it has ruined our sex life. i have given up already.

[zlatnapolja]

You've got two things to do: work on your self esteem and build up enough courage and strength to state plainly how you are feeling.

 

Are you working on losing weight? I don't think you should do it to feel more attractive for him, but so that you can start feeling better about yourself. Exercising can also help with stress, and can give you some time to turn inward during your workouts and really give some thought as to how you want to address this situation.

 

Once you start losing weight and feeling stronger and better about yourself you might find that you are gaining some inner strength as well. It almost sounds like you feel that because you put on weight, that you are almost obligated to let him look at this stuff out of some guilt you may be feeling. That is not good. Start getting your body in shape so that you can feel better about yourself and better in general (exercise helps with depression), then getting your mind in a stronger place, and then you will hopefully not feel yourself so 'shy' about making your needs known.

 

If you try to address this situation from a position of low self esteem, guilt and shame then you will end up only making yourself more angry and frustrated. Get strong first, then go for it. You can't stand up for yourself if you have trouble standing at all.

 

Thats some great advice!

 

I really hope you will soon have the strength to speak up! This is horrible, almost makes me cry!

 

The thing is you have a young child which can make you very tired, emotional etc on top of all of this. I understand you dont want to 'leave' your husband, you dont have to, but please do speak up! For the sake of your marriage and in the long run also for your child (it doesn't want to see its mommy feeling insecure, sad and alone).

 

Good luck! And please don't let this make you more insecure. It isn't even always about the girls, it's just about the sex and the fantasy of doing weird stuff, or I dont know its a weird guy thing. But either way: its not your fault!!!! The guys that do watch porn will do this if their girl is not that attractive, but they will also do it if she's the most beautiful woman in the world!