The All New No Contact Thread!

[TaraMaiden]

I can take absolutely no credit for the vast portion of the following post.

This was originally Caliguy's post, and I've had it in my signature, since I first saw it, ages ago.

 

However, I've taken the diabolical liberty of adding a couple of bits, and modifying it slightly to, "bring it up to date".

 

I hope it meets with approval.

 

As I say, major credit, is Caligguy's.

No plagiarism intended.

 

[TaraMaiden]

Q. What is no contact?

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counseling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or clinging to the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any Ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of a reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go and work out at the gym. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Because, guess what? They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them.

Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. And the better you look - the better you'll feel.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex.

A. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex!

If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, don't beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an a**hole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I didi it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again?

if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain.

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. As far as they're concerned, it really looks as if you're doing great without them - even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realise that, the sooner you implement NC and get on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. Healing, and Moving On.

 

Realize that none of us is immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Someone who deserves you. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are.

 

Be the best 'you' you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

[Nohbody]

Diabolical, indeed. Caliguy really knew how to put it all together. I hope he's doing well now.

[sun_moon]

bump

 

I'm attaching this link to the break up section!

 

Thank you

[NewMoon2203]

just a question. i obviously know what NC is, but whats "LC" ??

[RuinedLife]

just a question. i obviously know what NC is, but whats "LC" ??

 

LC = Limited Contact

 

LC can be used if children are involved, you go to classes with your ex, you live with or near your ex, you work with your ex, you have mutual friends with your ex or if there is any other reason why strict no contact is not feasible.

[kittycat95]

this guide is fantastic.

[William]

Bumping this up for fresh reading and/or responses. Some off-topic chatting was redacted.