A few thoughts on AFFAIR FOG

[Cabin]

So I've been doing a lot of reading through these threads and seen frequent reference to the "fog" commonly associated with affairs.

 

I know that "fog" is characterized by fantasy-type thinking, infatuation, lack of reality, inability to see flaws, etc.

 

My question is, how is that really any different from the normal order of falling in love?

 

I mean -- when people fall in true love, they fall deeply. The want to spend all their time with their love interest. They want to make love all the time. They bond over common interests and ideas. That "infatuation stage" is an important part of the bonding process because it shows you the potential of your union long term.

 

Pragmatically, I understand why people want to add the negative label of "fog" when it's a taboo affair (while most of society collectively wags their fingers)... but in the actual experience, how is "fog" any different from just falling in love?

 

I'm crazy about my AP, and some posters have chided me for my obvious "fog" shining through my posts (no harm was intended and I wasn't offended)... but I don't see how it's any different from what it's felt like any other time I've been in love in my life.

 

Don't we normally celebrate "fog"-like behaviours when single people experience them and fall in "true mad love"??

[anne1707]

In some ways yes affair fog is like that falling in live fog you get with any new relationship. However in a non-affair relationship, the people involved are generally able to see each other a lot more, are able to do routine, mundane things together and are not having to make "secret" plans to meet hence the fog lifts a lot sooner and people start seeing each other for what they really are. The affair fog will just stay put however - I have equated my three year affair to three months of dating in that even though I actually worked with the ex-OM and therefore saw him at work everyday, I was not having a full relationship with him that a couple would normally have after dating for three years. Our time together was limited and it was never based around dealing with bills, food shopping etc.

 

I think most can agree that the fog when falling in love can mean that mistakes are made, we do not always see people for what they are and we also make some rash judgements at times. Everything is idealised and seems just so incredibly special & intense. I think most would also agree that in a LTR non-affair relationship, that fog does lift after a few months as you truly get to know each other, faults and all. At this stage you can actually make rational and not just emotional decisions about the future of the relationship. You may think you want more or you may even think what on earth was I thinking seeing them. In the depths of affair fog you just don't get to that stage. You just keep living a dream/fantasy and lose all thought/consideration for those around you who are being hurt by your actions.

[bentnotbroken]

So I've been doing a lot of reading through these threads and seen frequent reference to the "fog" commonly associated with affairs.

 

I know that "fog" is characterized by fantasy-type thinking, infatuation, lack of reality, inability to see flaws, etc.

 

My question is, how is that really any different from the normal order of falling in love?

 

I mean -- when people fall in true love, they fall deeply. The want to spend all their time with their love interest. They want to make love all the time. They bond over common interests and ideas. That "infatuation stage" is an important part of the bonding process because it shows you the potential of your union long term.

 

Pragmatically, I understand why people want to add the negative label of "fog" when it's a taboo affair (while most of society collectively wags their fingers)... but in the actual experience, how is "fog" any different from just falling in love?

 

I'm crazy about my AP, and some posters have chided me for my obvious "fog" shining through my posts (no harm was intended and I wasn't offended)... but I don't see how it's any different from what it's felt like any other time I've been in love in my life.

 

Don't we normally celebrate "fog"-like behaviours when single people experience them and fall in "true mad love"??

 

 

Sure. Single people do a lot of things cheating spouses shouldn't be celebrated for.

[crazycatlady]

Calling "being in love" "fog" is just an attempt to invalidate it by those who feel affairs are morally wrong. You're right, it's no different from "being in love" any other time. Sometimes it turns out to be true love, sometimes you discover that the two of you do not fit together.

 

In a way I do agree with this...However, I think because of the very secretiveness of affairs, its difficult to figure out if its true love or if you two don't fit together. When you hide a relationship its hard for it to go under the tests the a normal relationship would undergo.

 

And its not just affairs. I also think that forbidden relationships of all types suffer from this and I think LDRs can also suffer from this.

 

Relationships need to be in the light of day to really be tested to see if they will last.

[Spark1111]

In a way I do agree with this...However, I think because of the very secretiveness of affairs, its difficult to figure out if its true love or if you two don't fit together. When you hide a relationship its hard for it to go under the tests the a normal relationship would undergo.

 

And its not just affairs. I also think that forbidden relationships of all types suffer from this and I think LDRs can also suffer from this.

 

Relationships need to be in the light of day to really be tested to see if they will last.

 

I think the secretiveness of affairs lends waaaay too much intensity to the feelings being experienced.

 

It is the perpetual third date and it can last for years! Everyone is well-groomed, on the very best behavior, putting their very best face forward in every meeting.

 

You do not have the reality of day-to-day life intruding: paying bills, sharing the responsibility of sick kids, aging parents, shopping for groceries, fighting with the xspouse.

 

It is more fun because reality does not really intrude on the both of you; you can only share the details of your life through conversation, but not through actually observing and being there.

 

Yes, it is like falling in love, only you are not free to share all your time, all your lives, and all your warts and wrinkles like single people do.

 

The perpetual third date.

[MissBee]

So I've been doing a lot of reading through these threads and seen frequent reference to the "fog" commonly associated with affairs.

 

I know that "fog" is characterized by fantasy-type thinking, infatuation, lack of reality, inability to see flaws, etc.

 

My question is, how is that really any different from the normal order of falling in love?

 

I mean -- when people fall in true love, they fall deeply. The want to spend all their time with their love interest. They want to make love all the time. They bond over common interests and ideas. That "infatuation stage" is an important part of the bonding process because it shows you the potential of your union long term.

 

Pragmatically, I understand why people want to add the negative label of "fog" when it's a taboo affair (while most of society collectively wags their fingers)... but in the actual experience, how is "fog" any different from just falling in love?

 

I'm crazy about my AP, and some posters have chided me for my obvious "fog" shining through my posts (no harm was intended and I wasn't offended)... but I don't see how it's any different from what it's felt like any other time I've been in love in my life.

 

Don't we normally celebrate "fog"-like behaviours when single people experience them and fall in "true mad love"??

 

I don't...."true mad love" implies to me, blindly landing head first into a precarious situation driven by factors that do not sustain a healthy, loving relationship. The euphoria of infatuation and "mad love", is exactly that, MAD! From experience and from what I have seen, such situations are built upon fleeting feelings and a "fog" that blows through like a whirlwind and comes crashing down in disillusion.

 

The type of relationships I admire and see lasting and want for myself in the future, are a slow, deep love that grows over time, formed on a solid foundation that isn't hot, heavy and "mad".

 

My observation in general is that most people in the world, particularly the Western world, have no idea what "true love" is and often fancy many dysfunctional situations as such, and Hollywood, reality shows and entertainment media help to promote overnight whirlwinds and doing "crazy" things for love as cute and romantic albeit most end up in the garbage dumps.

 

The fog of an affair is no different than the fog of other types of ungrounded relationships....

 

People rationalize, justify, ignore, downplay as well as exaggerate in non-affairs and carry on in relationships that are toxic all the time. People attach themselves to others without much forethought and without any reflection and in comes the fog, as by time you are attached, you will do ANY and EVERYTHING to keep it going. Break ups are also a prime example of fog...you put this relationship on a pedestal, chase your ex, feel like your world will end, idealize what happened, wish for them to return and simply obsess over it and convince yourself it is "true love", "meant to be", the breakup was a "mistake" and this person will soon realize the truth.... then when times goes by and that fog clears you want to puke or you laugh out loud at how crazy it was to think such when you get your bearings back. Sooo yea...I see no difference between affairs and other relationships in that regard and find that most people do not form healthy relationships anyway.

[woinlove]

So I've been doing a lot of reading through these threads and seen frequent reference to the "fog" commonly associated with affairs.

 

I know that "fog" is characterized by fantasy-type thinking, infatuation, lack of reality, inability to see flaws, etc.

 

My question is, how is that really any different from the normal order of falling in love?

 

I mean -- when people fall in true love, they fall deeply. The want to spend all their time with their love interest. They want to make love all the time. They bond over common interests and ideas. That "infatuation stage" is an important part of the bonding process because it shows you the potential of your union long term.

 

Pragmatically, I understand why people want to add the negative label of "fog" when it's a taboo affair (while most of society collectively wags their fingers)... but in the actual experience, how is "fog" any different from just falling in love?

 

I'm crazy about my AP, and some posters have chided me for my obvious "fog" shining through my posts (no harm was intended and I wasn't offended)... but I don't see how it's any different from what it's felt like any other time I've been in love in my life.

 

Don't we normally celebrate "fog"-like behaviours when single people experience them and fall in "true mad love"??

 

 

I think the "fog" usually describes a state which is temporary and dissipates with time after the A, after which the MM/MW sees the A and the AP in a different light. Yes, single people often idealize and project fantasy onto an object of lust, infatuation, and/or new love and later come to view that person differently. The more out in the open it is, though, the shorter and lower the fantasy to reality ratio as we confide more in friends, family and others who don't necessarily reinforce our fantasy/idealization. Also, having both an AP and a H or W, often means the R with the AP revolves more around romantic endeavours than a typically single R where one shares one's home, family, friends, and life openly. Risk and even bad behavior (if one is lying and deceiving others) can also add to the chemical mix and feelings of excitement. People can get strangely addicted to behaviours that mix bad feelings with good. So there can be noticeable differences in As and single Rs.

 

ETA. I posted this before seeing the other responses, somehow. I see there is overlap/repetition.

[Cabin]

Sure. Single people do a lot of things cheating spouses shouldn't be celebrated for.

 

It's funny to me, looking at it from my current perspective... single people "in love" (fog) who don't choose partners on lasting, sustainable grounds end up with a lot more social credit than they are due, or at least the legitimacy of their love does. Affair love seems to be universally dismissed as nothing more than sex and fun.

[MissBee]

It's funny to me, looking at it from my current perspective... single people "in love" (fog) who don't choose partners on lasting, sustainable grounds end up with a lot more social credit than they are due, or at least the legitimacy of their love does. Affair love seems to be universally dismissed as nothing more than sex and fun.

 

I will agree with this....

 

However, the difference is this, and I will use an example to illustrate:

 

A 35 year old getting herself into a drunken stupor every weekend and ending up in compromising situations, leaves much to be desired.

 

A 17 year old doing the very same thing also leaves much to be desired.

 

The behaviors are the same and both are irresponsible and unbecoming; however, the 35 year old's situation will be viewed differently as that person has "all right" under the law to make that choice to be an idiot drunk. The teenager is under aged and has NO right to be doing such. Both are being foolish, but the teenager is added even MORE to the mix by doing something he/she shouldn't be doing anyway. The risks are more for this person and he/she has to go through way more hoops and break laws to engage in such behavior, while the 35 year old does not.

 

Same with affairs versus being single. Both people are subject to engaging in unsustainable relationship behaviors; however one [the person(s) in the affair] takes an already indiscreet situation further and has to jump through more hoops making matters far worst. Leaving something at insult is one thing but adding injury really just makes it that much worst.

Edited June 5, 2011 by MissBee

[Cabin]

I will agree with this....

 

However, the difference is this, and I will use an example to illustrate:

 

A 35 year old getting herself into a drunken stupor every weekend and ending up in compromising situations, leaves much to be desired.

 

A 17 year old doing the very same thing also leaves much to be desired.

 

Yes I agree. But what if the 35 year old ISN'T doing stupid teenage stuff (except maybe some of the sex stuff ) and is spending A LOT of time with the AP in ways that do bring out the flaws/issues/negatives of each person?

[MissBee]

Yes I agree. But what if the 35 year old ISN'T doing stupid teenage stuff (except maybe some of the sex stuff ) and is spending A LOT of time with the AP in ways that do bring out the flaws/issues/negatives of each person?

 

 

Well that wasn't the original question I was simply answering what is the difference between doing stupid stuff in the name of love as a single person versus one in an affair. And the difference, as with the 35 year old versus the 17 year old, is one is sanctioned to do such while the other is not.

 

But answering your current question: the short answer is, because something "good" can come out of a situation does not mean it is good in it's entirety and doesn't make it excused.

 

I believe all the "positives" or perceived positives that come out of affairs are rather miniscule compared to the larger picture and do not answer for me the questions of being authentic and truthful about your desires or actions (whatever they may be).

 

Being an OW at one point, I am sure that my presence in his life and his in mine had some positive effect and taught me many a lesson, but I also know that regardless of what I learned and what was good it was still overall an indiscretion on both of our parts. I also can see objectively that so much more was wrong than it was right. I cannot undo it and everything in my life has happened to help me grow; but now I realize I would not do that again and there are better ways to be happy or to learn about myself that don't involve questionable entanglements

Edited June 5, 2011 by MissBee

[bentnotbroken]

It's funny to me, looking at it from my current perspective... single people "in love" (fog) who don't choose partners on lasting, sustainable grounds end up with a lot more social credit than they are due, or at least the legitimacy of their love does. Affair love seems to be universally dismissed as nothing more than sex and fun.

 

 

I think some of them are more than sex and fun. Still isn't worth dancing a jig about. But that is the way I see view a married persons sneaking around and lying. If you want the "true love", the "soul mate". Tell the dang truth and get on with it. As they say crap or get off the pot.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes I agree. But what if the 35 year old ISN'T doing stupid teenage stuff (except maybe some of the sex stuff ) and is spending A LOT of time with the AP in ways that do bring out the flaws/issues/negatives of each person?

 

 

If they are sneaking around and lying like a teen.....then it is stupid stuff.

[MissBee]

If they are sneaking around and lying like a teen.....then it is stupid stuff.

 

 

That's actually true! That is like a landmark of many teenage relationships.

[MissBee]

i don't pretend to be any kind of expert on love, and i can only spk from my own eperiences.

 

I my case, i really do love my husband more than he will ever know, and love him every bit as deeply as anyone could love someone else. It is the kind of love that didn't start out blazing like a bonfire and die out really quickly one the water (day to day life) was thrown on it, instead it ws more quiet and calm, but maybe because that's my personality. t has only grown with time and won't be gone, ever.

 

I remember high school and university romances my friends had, and they always seemed to start out "hot and heavy", but, after a few months, most of them died off after highschool/ university when they really got to know the other person 'in the real world", their personality, and how they handled different situations. A few did last, but most didn't, because once realife set in, the relationshi didn't have enough of a basis to be sustaned.

 

My sentiments exactly!

 

I never trust a scorching, steamy hot romance that takes off like lightning and is too intense...not only from my experiences but from the experiences of others.

 

I have now realized that that is all flash and no substance and it's an addicting feeling but true, sustaining love hardly follows that type of pattern. It is hard though to not fall into that trap as admittedly that euphoria and "madness" feels good, it is a high and I am sure the dopamine is flooding your brain....but then there comes a point where you have to be wise and discerning and not allow feelings to dictate your choices.

[Gentlegirl]

I rather like the word limerance rather than fog. Means the same thing I guess

 

Gentlegirl

[turnstone]

please excuse any spelling mistakes...I am tying on a netbook, and they keyboard is too small for even a mosquito to use

 

Laughing out loud!

[OWoman]

So I've been doing a lot of reading through these threads and seen frequent reference to the "fog" commonly associated with affairs.

 

I know that "fog" is characterized by fantasy-type thinking, infatuation, lack of reality, inability to see flaws, etc.

 

My question is, how is that really any different from the normal order of falling in love?

 

I mean -- when people fall in true love, they fall deeply. The want to spend all their time with their love interest. They want to make love all the time. They bond over common interests and ideas. That "infatuation stage" is an important part of the bonding process because it shows you the potential of your union long term.

 

Pragmatically, I understand why people want to add the negative label of "fog" when it's a taboo affair (while most of society collectively wags their fingers)... but in the actual experience, how is "fog" any different from just falling in love?

 

I'm crazy about my AP, and some posters have chided me for my obvious "fog" shining through my posts (no harm was intended and I wasn't offended)... but I don't see how it's any different from what it's felt like any other time I've been in love in my life.

 

Don't we normally celebrate "fog"-like behaviours when single people experience them and fall in "true mad love"??

 

And then there's "Marriage Fog" too - AKA "the honeymoon period"...

[donnamaybe]

Relationships need to be in the light of day to really be tested to see if they will last.

So so true. The everydayness of life can really wear on a R. That's when the true test comes into play.

[Owl]

IMHO, what defines "fog" versus "in love" is the ability to think rationally, to view outcomes and impacts of your choices.

 

I'd agree...people SOME people who are "in love" are just as "foggy" as some people involved in affairs.

 

But...I think the "fog" is more common in affairs for a couple of reasons. Affair relationships can be much more intense than "normal" ones...the situation tends to lend itself to have much higher emotional ups and downs than a "normal" one.

[Silly_Girl]

IMHO, what defines "fog" versus "in love" is the ability to think rationally, to view outcomes and impacts of your choices.

 

I'd agree...people SOME people who are "in love" are just as "foggy" as some people involved in affairs.

 

But...I think the "fog" is more common in affairs for a couple of reasons. Affair relationships can be much more intense than "normal" ones...the situation tends to lend itself to have much higher emotional ups and downs than a "normal" one.

 

I agree with some of that, I think LDR's, and affairs, and workplace relationships, and other relationships that give a sense of 'special bond' outside of the day-to-day life are to some degree.... 'enhanced' shall we say.

 

It's down to the individuals to work hard at stripping away some of that and getting to the nitty-gritty. To think realistically and practically about whether there's a future or not. Or whether they really wish to continue if the status quo remains the status quo. Or not. I think a lot of people put a good deal of time and effort in to that in affairs, because there is much to be lost/given away, and the consequences are not minor.

 

Likewise, there are those that don't think about any of it and like to just mess about.

[Mimolicious]

So I've been doing a lot of reading through these threads and seen frequent reference to the "fog" commonly associated with affairs.

 

I know that "fog" is characterized by fantasy-type thinking, infatuation, lack of reality, inability to see flaws, etc.

 

My question is, how is that really any different from the normal order of falling in love?

 

I mean -- when people fall in true love, they fall deeply. The want to spend all their time with their love interest. They want to make love all the time. They bond over common interests and ideas. That "infatuation stage" is an important part of the bonding process because it shows you the potential of your union long term.

 

Pragmatically, I understand why people want to add the negative label of "fog" when it's a taboo affair (while most of society collectively wags their fingers)... but in the actual experience, how is "fog" any different from just falling in love?

 

I'm crazy about my AP, and some posters have chided me for my obvious "fog" shining through my posts (no harm was intended and I wasn't offended)... but I don't see how it's any different from what it's felt like any other time I've been in love in my life.

 

Don't we normally celebrate "fog"-like behaviours when single people experience them and fall in "true mad love"??

 

Difference I guess.... "Fall in love" with an available person= A WHOLE LOTTA LESS DRAMA and who are you really affecting by "falling in love" with someone that you are dating? On the other hand, "falling in love/Fog stage" that is labeled in A's creates one side that is "glossy" and one side that is "gross". You live your 15 mins of "in love" with your AP and then go home to live that "miserable" life that that 'horrible" M is. Doesn't sound much like parallel experiences....

 

I mean, yeah I get it that you have little red flying things for your AP. Does the record scatch when you see the face of your S? Have you telling your S how crazy you are about your AP? How did that go?? and if you haven't, try it and see who's really going to be "crazy" about something.

 

Sorry, I don't know your story but if you're so "crazy" about someone why are you wasting the life of another? Or your S is just doing this by choice?

[Mimolicious]

I will agree with this....

 

However, the difference is this, and I will use an example to illustrate:

 

A 35 year old getting herself into a drunken stupor every weekend and ending up in compromising situations, leaves much to be desired.

 

A 17 year old doing the very same thing also leaves much to be desired.

 

The behaviors are the same and both are irresponsible and unbecoming; however, the 35 year old's situation will be viewed differently as that person has "all right" under the law to make that choice to be an idiot drunk. The teenager is under aged and has NO right to be doing such. Both are being foolish, but the teenager is added even MORE to the mix by doing something he/she shouldn't be doing anyway. The risks are more for this person and he/she has to go through way more hoops and break laws to engage in such behavior, while the 35 year old does not.

 

Same with affairs versus being single. Both people are subject to engaging in unsustainable relationship behaviors; however one [the person(s) in the affair] takes an already indiscreet situation further and has to jump through more hoops making matters far worst. Leaving something at insult is one thing but adding injury really just makes it that much worst.

 

 

The 35 year old may have the right and the 17yr old may not BUT not for nothing, I may actually have to understand the 17yr old acting a fool more than a 35yr old adult doing the same. Just saying...

[Silly_Girl]

The 35 year old may have the right and the 17yr old may not BUT not for nothing, I may actually have to understand the 17yr old acting a fool more than a 35yr old adult doing the same. Just saying...

 

That crossed my mind too when I read that. I did it when I was 17, and of course I wouldn't do it at ALL now I'm 35.

[MissBee]

I agree with some of that, I think LDR's, and affairs, and workplace relationships, and other relationships that give a sense of 'special bond' outside of the day-to-day life are to some degree.... 'enhanced' shall we say.

 

It's down to the individuals to work hard at stripping away some of that and getting to the nitty-gritty. To think realistically and practically about whether there's a future or not. Or whether they really wish to continue if the status quo remains the status quo. Or not. I think a lot of people put a good deal of time and effort in to that in affairs, because there is much to be lost/given away, and the consequences are not minor.

 

Likewise, there are those that don't think about any of it and like to just mess about.

 

Sooooo true!

 

I realized that I used to prefer LDRs and much enjoyed that honeymoon feeling of visiting that person and having a romantic getaway from my regular life. Even recently, I was involved with a guy, and felt like me going to grad school in another state would be ideal because I just didn't want someone in my face 24/7 and I didn't want to date someone from my school or someone who I would have to lend myself to a lot because we're in the same vicinity. I later realzied that OMG! That is my trend...I am commitment phobic on a level and liked relationships that have a limited capacity. My relationships could ALWAYS stay in that '"fresh" "honeymoon" stage if it is long distance or at the time when I was the OW.

 

I think I subconsciously feared the mundane day-to-day reality of love and my parents' example of what marriage is did not appeal to me. The longest relationship I had was LD and I was the OW and go figure....it could be sustained for so long because it always seemed fresh and exciting and like a vacation. Yea sometimes it was frustrating but I think that had I have him all to myself it would have been a different story. I really want to get married one day and then I realized that OMG when I think of marriage I rarely think of it in a more mundane way but always envision myself being married to a man who travels a lot for business or that I travel a lot and we meet up in the same city or we're always so happy to see each other because our schedules are conflicted and so when we get down time it is soo amazing and fresh with no time to be bored!

 

Wow...it was shocking when I realized this about myself as before I never really questioned it. But with awareness comes the ability to tackle it.