Fedup&givingup Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 I am going to see a divorce lawyer this afternoon. I wanted to stick it out and continue on in my marriage until I got my degree, but I am having a REALLY hard time doing that. The reason being is I would be living a lie, and I am just not good at it. It's deceitful, and the inevitable is that I just can't stay in this marriage any more. Everything has just come to a screeching hault for me, and I was going to leave last year at this time. The event happened with my husband having a great job offer elsewhere (where we are now), and it was a place I really, really wanted to move to as well. Moving here and getting settled in and then the holidays were a distraction, and since the first of the year, the daunting nightmare that this marriage is considerably over for me has come back. Despite the fact that my husband has done some horrible things, the fact of the matter is that this DOES hurt. I've been with him for almost 7 years, and there are some good qualities about him that I will miss. The hardest part of this is what it will do to my son. When I think about us divorcing, I know it will break his little heart, which in turn breaks mine. I know that in order to get to the point of being where I want to be in life, this is going to be a painful process I have to go through. I will need all the encouragement I can get from all my fellow LSers. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Sounds like a very tough spot to be in I guess you're pretty sure this marriage can't be saved, huh? Have you tried marriage counselling? Probably worth trying everything you can just so you can guiltlessly say to your son later - 'it really couldn't have been worked out'. best of luck & keep us updated, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Be strong for your son. Sounds like you're doing the right thing for both of you though. Do you have a place to stay if you need to move out quickly? As far as the lawyer: Make sure he feels strongly about your rational for sueing your husband for divorce, and finds it a solid platform for the divorce that a judge can not refute. Any documented abuse or anything like that will GREATLY expedite the process (my ex wife once hit me with a bat and I had to get a number of stiches....things like that will keep this forthcoming legal battle grounded on your side) Take care, and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 Originally posted by yes Sounds like a very tough spot to be in I guess you're pretty sure this marriage can't be saved, huh? Have you tried marriage counselling? Probably worth trying everything you can just so you can guiltlessly say to your son later - 'it really couldn't have been worked out'. best of luck & keep us updated, -yes Saved? No. Counselling for us? We went a little over a year ago, and it was a total and complete WASTE of time and money. He acted and was a charmer. It was sickening, really. The counsellor wasn't worth a damn, either, but I just don't see any point in it. I don't trust him, period. I have reservations about marriage counsellors on the whole. I think they only can work if both of the people SEE a dysfunction in the relationship. I know what you mean, about taking every measure possible before hand. That's why I opted to see a counsellor last year because I had planned on leaving him in the spring then. Fast forward to a year later, and here I am in the same sinking ship I was in last year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 Originally posted by wideawake Be strong for your son. Sounds like you're doing the right thing for both of you though. Do you have a place to stay if you need to move out quickly? As far as the lawyer: Make sure he feels strongly about your rational for sueing your husband for divorce, and finds it a solid platform for the divorce that a judge can not refute. Any documented abuse or anything like that will GREATLY expedite the process (my ex wife once hit me with a bat and I had to get a number of stiches....things like that will keep this forthcoming legal battle grounded on your side) Take care, and best of luck. I've got more than plenty to convince any judge that this marriage needs to be terminated, that's not hardly an issue. As for having a place to turn to, not really. We moved here in August, and I don't really know anyone that well. I do not work, so I haven't really met a lot of people...just made casual aquaintences. After talking to my husband yesterday, I am truly hoping that he will acquiesce to this, and not be a total prick about it. He really could be, but I will find out what my options are today from the lawyer. Thanks for the advice and the concern! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Oh, he doesn't see the problem? That's much harder, I imagine. But perhaps part of the job of the counsellor is to make both people see the problem. Perhaps look for a better counsellor? I know I've been lucky with my counsellor cuz I've got a chance to talk to some other ones, and I know I wouldn't be able to work with 'em - my point being, it's some work to find a suitable counsellor, many times. (I'm playing devil's advocate a lil here, b/c i rlly think it's important to be able to tell your son and yourself in the future 'it could not be saved, for sure'). -yes Link to post Share on other sites
bella8464 Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 I PMd you. Just wanted to say good luck in private. Where do you live? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 I think you have my phone number....call me if you need to talk. .......my thoughts are with you Feds!!!!...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 Originally posted by bella8464 I PMd you. Just wanted to say good luck in private. Where do you live? In a suburb outside of Atlanta Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Good luck Feds - I'll be thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 15, 2004 Author Share Posted April 15, 2004 Originally posted by yes Oh, he doesn't see the problem? That's much harder, I imagine. But perhaps part of the job of the counsellor is to make both people see the problem. Perhaps look for a better counsellor? I know I've been lucky with my counsellor cuz I've got a chance to talk to some other ones, and I know I wouldn't be able to work with 'em - my point being, it's some work to find a suitable counsellor, many times. (I'm playing devil's advocate a lil here, b/c i rlly think it's important to be able to tell your son and yourself in the future 'it could not be saved, for sure'). -yes No, he doesn't see the problem. He's a lying, cheating, manipulating, self serving....The counsellor wasn't worth a damn, period. My husband has repeatedly told me that I can't make it without him, that I will be nothing without him, that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't think any counsellor could honestly work with that. I've certainly tried, and I can't take anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 OK, I think that cuts it - sounds like you're positive that you're making the right choice; that's great, IMO. Best of luck. Speaking of counselling, you may want to get some of that as you're going through the divorce, since you don't have any friends where you live yet. Also, plz do watch your son carefully, esp. when he becomes a teenager - he may need some counselling too, divorced are hard to digest... my 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup My husband has repeatedly told me that I can't make it without him, that I will be nothing without him, that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't think any counsellor could honestly work with that. Nice. Talk about manipulative. You'll be infinitely better off without someone like that in your life. It'll be tough but you'll pull through it, even if it's not entirely clear how at the moment. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 It will be hard on your son, but he will take your side and when he gets a little older will understand completely. You can be strong for both of you, the LSers are here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
bea Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 I am going through now, what you will be going through. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done, regardless of how much I have hurt through the past years - I still love him and I know that I always will. I just found out today our court date for the finalization of our divorce - I have been a mess all day. I wish you luck. I will be thinking of you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
NotaBadGuy Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Fedup, Well, I guess the day and time has come for you to move on. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You helped me see some things in myself that I thought I was at fault for but realized I was not. I continue to struggle, but it is people like you that help pull me along. Thank you for that. It is unfortunate that it has to come to this, but in the end, you have to make the best decision in light of all the facts. I believe you are making the right choice. And I am not a big fan of divorce as I am a child product and an adult product, but I do believe your basis is well reasoned and well justified. You do not deserve to live in misery like that. There is a movement in the family law arena called "collaborative divorce." It is usually less combative than the ordinary divorce process, but is still a new an innnovative process. It began in Cincinnati several years ago and is slowly spreading across the country. Maybe something to at least look into. As far as divorce is concerned, I have done some research into divorce in general and "high conflict" divorce inparticular. In these instances, divorce is bitter and continues for long and dramatic lengths of time. The main casualties in this battle involve the children. I have recently written a paper discussing the legal system and the damage caused to children of divorce in general and of how the legal system and its adversarial nature does nothing to alleviate the problem. I know you have your son totally and undeniably in mind. Be strong and be compassionate towards your son's pysical as well as psychological needs during this time. It is tramatic and mind boggling at the same time for all parties involved. Your son will undeniably be caught in the middle. Just don't let your anger and resentment for your husband effect your relationship and responsibility towards your son. My parents often played with me as a pawn in the game because each knew I was the conduit between the two. Finally, as I get off my soapbox, I mean no harm or negative in this message. If I have come across as brash or overstepped any boundaries, I apologize. I am only adding my personal thoughts and ideas on the situation. I wish you well and know I am ultimatley on your side. You are strong, very strong. I wish I had your strength. You will persevere in the end. You will have to tackle and confront some obstacles during these times, but you will eventually emerge as a better and wiser person. Respectfully, NotaBadGuy Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Hi Fed - I am so glad to hear of your decision. Based on what you have told us, I have no doubt that it is the right one for you and your son. There will be some rough times, but you have a great future to look forward to. You will certainly be in my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Hi Fed - I am so glad to hear of your decision. Based on what you have told us, I have no doubt that it is the right one for you and your son. There will be some rough times, but you have a great future to look forward to. You will certainly be in my thoughts. Thank you. That really means a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by NotaBadGuy Fedup, Well, I guess the day and time has come for you to move on. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You helped me see some things in myself that I thought I was at fault for but realized I was not. I continue to struggle, but it is people like you that help pull me along. Thank you for that. It is unfortunate that it has to come to this, but in the end, you have to make the best decision in light of all the facts. I believe you are making the right choice. And I am not a big fan of divorce as I am a child product and an adult product, but I do believe your basis is well reasoned and well justified. You do not deserve to live in misery like that. There is a movement in the family law arena called "collaborative divorce." It is usually less combative than the ordinary divorce process, but is still a new an innnovative process. It began in Cincinnati several years ago and is slowly spreading across the country. Maybe something to at least look into. As far as divorce is concerned, I have done some research into divorce in general and "high conflict" divorce inparticular. In these instances, divorce is bitter and continues for long and dramatic lengths of time. The main casualties in this battle involve the children. I have recently written a paper discussing the legal system and the damage caused to children of divorce in general and of how the legal system and its adversarial nature does nothing to alleviate the problem. I know you have your son totally and undeniably in mind. Be strong and be compassionate towards your son's pysical as well as psychological needs during this time. It is tramatic and mind boggling at the same time for all parties involved. Your son will undeniably be caught in the middle. Just don't let your anger and resentment for your husband effect your relationship and responsibility towards your son. My parents often played with me as a pawn in the game because each knew I was the conduit between the two. Finally, as I get off my soapbox, I mean no harm or negative in this message. If I have come across as brash or overstepped any boundaries, I apologize. I am only adding my personal thoughts and ideas on the situation. I wish you well and know I am ultimatley on your side. You are strong, very strong. I wish I had your strength. You will persevere in the end. You will have to tackle and confront some obstacles during these times, but you will eventually emerge as a better and wiser person. Respectfully, NotaBadGuy Wow. I REALLY appreciate this. I highly regard all of your endearments and sincerities. I have my son's best interests at mind. The transitioning will be the most difficult. Again, I think you are a very decent person. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelly67 Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 I have read your posts and I swear you have to be married to my husband's twin. I'm in the exact same situation as you (except my son is from a previous marriage). My husband is also a "lying, cheating, manipulating, self serving" person and same thing happened when we went to a counselor....The counsellor wasn't worth a damn and my husband almost melted like butter trying to prove how he was Mr. Wonderful and I was the one with the problems. I never knew someone could change instantly and put on such a good show! My husband has repeatedly told me that I can't make it without him, that I will be nothing without him, that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me too! He even said "You'll never leave me but if you do I can have any woman out there". I've filed for divorce from my husband because he is so self absorbed and egotistical - there's not compromising with him on anything - he's God and he's always right. And manipulating??? This guy can somehow twist an argument and get off subject to where I'm left sitting there going "Who are you and where did you just come from?". My husband is devious, sneaky and a major control freak. He seeks revenge on me and turns into a ruthless ***hole. When he gets mad he has to do evil mean things to me to show me who's boss. To me this is abusive and just too scary. I can't trust him further than I can spit. Unfortunately this is the second abusive relationship I've gotten myself in to. I'm a sucker from the come on strong, knock your socks off charmers that I keep getting involved with. They suck me in then try to control me. I've realized now it's a harmful pattern I've got to break. I look at it this way - the more we HOPE for them to change the more we just keep torturing ourselves and prolonging the misery. Nothing is harder than deciding it's over. I feel your pain - just know you're not alone! I hate this because I truly love my husband but I'm losing my self respect by letting this man treat me the way he does. He's got two different personalities - good and bad. Wish he was just a decent man who didn't have to play games and who could love me and my son unconditionally. He's just too selfish though and it's taken me a long time to realize I'll never get the trust and emotional support I need from him. I have to get out to save my self respect and not let this man crush me. I'm a great woman who is very caring and kind. He makes me feel like I'm trash. Can't deal wtih Link to post Share on other sites
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