Restraining order?

[devastated]

Has anyone else had a problem with the other woman stalking the wife of the man that she had an affair with? She has driven by our house many times and then she would call my husband and say " I saw your wife today" and he told her to stay away from me but she continues to do it. My hair is red and she colored her hair red and then said to my husband " So you like redheads huh?" Also during the affair she had told him that he needed to tell her when he had sex with me!! I am his wife not her that is none of her business. The affair has been over since the middle of March she is pregnant but she gives us a different due date than she gives others.

 

I am wondering if anyone has had a similar situation with the other woman and if so what do you do? I had considered filing a restraining order but if this baby is his we would like to have joint custody, would that hamper our attempts?

[FreeMe]

YIKES! She sounds like a bona fide nutcase!! Keep notes with time and dates of any harrassment in case you end up needing to call the police and/or get a restraining order.

[morrigan]

Devastated, I have read both of your posts. I can't believe what is going on in your life.

 

This woman needs to be notified never to contact either of you in any way again. If she continues to do this, keep records of all the phone calls, visits, letters or emails, and contact the police. Change your phone number, or get a second phone #, as to where she is only calling your old one. You might have to get some sort of a restraining order against her, she could be potentially violent. Never try to confront her, if she publicly harasses you, call the police.

 

You should go to an attorney and discuss this woman's harassment and her potential pregnancy by your husband (is there any way she could be lying about being pregnant?) If DNA testing eventually determines your husband is the father, do you two really want to involve yourselves in a custodial relationship with this woman? It may be better just to pay child support.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Heartbroken Too]

The restraining order would be temporary (probably no longer than three years-if truly harrassing) and would be against her and not the baby. If your husband is indeed the father of her baby and you both want shared placement, then it would just be a matter of arranging a third party to bring the baby to the designated meeting place.

 

The mother of my husband's son did not contact me directly but had a friend call me twice before the baby was born. I calmly declined to talk to that person. Once he was born, her former husband would mail pictures to me (he and his wife had had five other children and he cared for them all) and once called me, identifying himself but since I did not know his name, I actually had a conversation with him until it occured to me who he was. Then I calmly told him goodby.

 

About two years ago, the mother, who had actually remarried, called our home drunk and, while I declined to speak to her, she left at least two hours of rambling messages on our answering machine telling me how much she loved my husband, etc.

 

Of course you can get through this! Don't let a day go by without acknowledging what a great mother you are and wife and friend. Don't allow your husband's indiscretion to get in the way of who you are. But, what I find perplexing is how people we don't know and would never hurt, think they can intrude on our feelings and purposefully try to hurt us. HMMMM?

 

The hard part is feeling the same love toward your husband-especially in the bedroom! WHEW! I don't remember how I got through that-except that I wanted another baby and perhaps was selfishly indulgent.

 

Have to go watch the kids.

[befuddled11]

Sounds like the movie "Fatal Attraction."

 

What I'd like to know is.....how the heck do you know that she would call up your husband and tell him, "I saw your wife today"? How do you know she colored her hair red and said to your husband, "so you like redheads, huh?"..and lastly, how do you know that during their affair, she told your husband that he was supposed to tell her whenever you and he had sex? Obviously it's your HUSBAND who's telling you these things.......what the h*ll for? It's bad enough that after 9 yrs of marriage and 12 yrs together, he cheated on you....and it ended only a month ago.....why is he adding more salt to the wound by telling you these upsetting things? And why are they even still communicating? WHat is wrong with this picture?

 

Now yes, she may very well be crazy..and obsessed with him, but what the h*ll did he expect? That he could have her in his life, and be in her life....then just drop right out of the picture and expect her to just go away? Now I'm definitely not one to condone or support people who cheat or have affairs.....but she likely feels the way many of the "Other Women" who post on these forums feel.........she misses him, she's devastated and she's heartbroken to have lost him, even if he wasn't really available for the taking.

 

Does your husband continue to have contact with her, that you KNOW OF?

 

What prompted him to end this affair? How long had it been going on for?

 

As someone else suggested, you and hubby best be talking to a lawyer....to see what the process is for getting DNA testing done, once the baby is born (if there truly IS a baby)......to verify that he is in fact the father. She could simply be making it all up to try and get him back, or it might not be his baby. She might not even truly be pregnant.

 

I hope your husband has learned a very valuable lesson here........regardless of whether it was an "affair", she was and still is a human being with a heart and feelings......and she no doubt is torn because he's out of her life. You can't blame her for being devastated. Too bad he didn't think about all the pain he'd cause to you AND to her, when he decided to horse around.

[devastated]

The fact that she died her hair red was something that happened before the affair had ended and also I knew that she had been driving by the house when the affair was going on because my husband told me that when he disclosed the fact that he had the affair. He has had no contact with her since shortly before the affair was divulged to me. She has admitted all these things to me and has no explantion for it.

 

I however have spoken with her since and she has admitted that she drives by the house when I asked her why she said that she did not know, as far as her feelings with all this I could care less she was well aware that he was married and she continued to pursue him even after I had warned her and my husband had told her that he did not feel that they should have a friendly relationship due to the fact that I was uncomfortable with it.

 

She was working with my husband at the time and constantly brushing up against him and so forth and my husband was stupid enough to fall for it and it happened. So what do we do know? The woman that he had an affair with admitted to me that he tried to break it off several times and she would call him 10 to 15 times a day at work crying and begging him to see her "just to talk" she would leave messages on his voice mail at work saying " I am naked come and get me " You don't have to tell me that it takes two to tango I am well aware of that he is just as guilty as she is. But as far as caring about how she feels and that she may be heartbroken well that is not my problem I was an unwilling participant in this and she knew that my husband would not leave me for her and she admitted that to me.

 

Oh and the reason that he told me these things is because I asked, not to hurt me but I wanted to know all the details no matter how much it hurt.

[FolderWife]

This reminds me of Fatal Attracton too!

[befuddled11]

I'm really not saying YOU should feel sympathy for her.......I'm just trying to explain WHY she's maybe acting the way she is. One of the *many* reasons against having an extramarital affair is that when the cheating spouse decides to end it (or gets busted), there IS the risk that his mistress is going to have a very hard time letting go and moving on with her life.

 

I realize that you're hurt and angry......and you are attributing SOME of the blame toward your husband...but I think you're putting too much of the blame on this woman. Yeah, she knew he was married.......but hell, HE WAS THE ONE WHO *WAS* MARRIED. She had no obligation or commitment to you......but he sure had both of those to you, his wife. He's the one who made the marriage vows to you, not she making them to you, 9 yrs ago.

 

It really doesn't matter that she has apparently told you that he tried several times to "break it off".....the point of the matter is, he didn't..and he kept going back to her.....such, that he obviously had sex with her up until 2 months ago (February).....which he must agree is true, if she's saying "their" baby is due this coming November.

 

I get the impression that the reason he "confessed" this affair was because he was afraid of getting caught eg) her starting to drive by your house all the time.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to let him off the hook. His actions have made a real mess of your marriage and family.

 

Are you going to be going for marriage counselling, to try and get to the root of WHY he felt the need to stray?

[devastated]

"I get the impression that the reason he "confessed" this affair was because he was afraid of getting caught eg) her starting to drive by your house all the time."

 

As far as that is concerned I was not even aware that she drove by our house until after the affair was revealed. The other woman actually begged my husband not to tell me about the affair. He has been acting strange for months not eating not sleeping etc.. I was under the assumption that it was due to stress due to him working and going to school full time. That was what he led me to believe. He said that the reason that he told me about the affair was because he could'nt handle the guilt and shame that he felt any longer.

 

"I realize that you're hurt and angry......and you are attributing SOME of the blame toward your husband...but I think you're putting too much of the blame on this woman."

 

I hold them both equally responsible for their actions they both are smart enough to know that what they were doing was wrong. He being a married man should know that committing adultery is something that would destroy me and my faith in our marriage vows. She being a human being should know better than to pursue a relationship with a married man. The fact of the matter is, that they both took it upon themselves to engage in an inappropriate relationship and I am disgusted with *BOTH* of them just the same.

 

"I wouldn't be so quick to let him off the hook. His actions have made a real mess of your marriage and family."

 

As far as my husband getting of " The hook" I would not consider that to be the case he is well aware of what he has put me through and understands that it is going to take some serious rebuilding on both of us to try to salvage this marriage. He is aware that I offer no guarantees on the future that we may have together, we do plan to see a marital counsler to work through this but this is all new to me what I feel today may not be what I feel tomorrow.

 

I love my husband with every fiber of me being and the fact that this is happening is absolutely devastating. I was always the independent strong woman that said "if my husband ever cheated on me he would be gone out of my life forever" I never expected for this to happen he was always so disgusted with people who had affairs. The fact that he is now one of the people who did have an affair is something that he now has to live with.

 

Until you are in the same situation that I am in you can't say how you would react. If the other woman is having a hard time "letting go" I can understand that and I am sure that it hurts but why put yourself in a situation where no one wins? Everyone has lost here my family for the most part is unaware of the affair due to the fact that my mom for one would probably kill my husband. His family on the other hand is aware of the affair and they are absolutely devastated as well. My sons are only 5 and 7 and would not be able to understand the ramifications of all of this. If the baby is my husbands then we will have no other choice but to try to explain what had happened to them. But until the all that we can do is just try to breathe every day.

[Vivid_29]

You have a psycho 'swimfan' stalker in your life, because of your hubby's infidelity. I don't think anyone asked this, but why are you still with him?

 

~V

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by devastated

Until you are in the same situation that I am in you can't say how you would react. If the other woman is having a hard time "letting go"

 

Hey, I've BEEN in your shoes, believe me. In both my past marriage, and in other relationships I was in (being cheated on). I was a lot more naive about relationships and marriage back when I married my husband (12 yrs ago, I've been divorced for 10 yrs). As it turned out, he was the village bicycle (everyone got a ride). While I'd be out busting my hump, working 12 hr nightshifts on weekends when I knew most people were out at the lake, BBQing and enjoying the weekend, he was slithering around our small town, doing god knows what and god knows who. I had "suspicions" about his fidelity (or lackthereof), but I had been in 2 previous long term relationships in which I was cheated on..so I wasn't sure if my suspicions were merely just my own insecurities and paranoia about being betrayed again. It wasn't until after I moved out, that I learned the magnitude of his cheating. At one point, we were (I thought) trying to work things out....and I had to contend with women calling up in the middle of the night......and when I would tell them plainly that I was HIS WIFE, they didn't give a crap......they'd still keep phoning.

 

On one occasion, the "final straw".....although we were separated, I went to visit him at "our home." I did my usual "snoop"...and I came across evidence that a female had been in our home, and had been in our bathroom. This was the most tangible evidence I'd ever had. I confronted him. What was his response? "Yes...I did cheat......but I did it because you didn't make me feel good about myself" (him no doubt referring to me having finally had the courage to have him charged with assault). I was absolutely sickened and disgusted.......to hear him ADMIT it, and then to try and blame ME for him not being able to keep his dick in his pants. What little respect I had for him at that point, was all gone. He repulsed me. I knew I'd never be able to forget, or trust him. I moved across the country to get away from him and start my life over, a couple of months later.

 

As I came to find out later, a lot of the women he'd been boinking, they didn't even KNOW he was married. So truthfully, I really couldn't be angry at them. However, I was sickened by him. He should have known better.

 

I am obviously divorced now, and have been for some time, and you can bet your boots that I'm a lot more cautious and careful now......and I try to be extremely cognizant when it comes to even the smallest of "red flags" that someone isn't being truthful with me.

 

I know full well, the pain of being betrayed. The repulsive thoughts of your husband being intimate with someone else. At least in your case, your husband has professed regret and guilt and sorrow.......mine never did. He wasn't man enough to do that.

 

If you read any of my posts here, especially in the "Other Woman/Other Man" forum...you'll quickly see that i have little to no sympathy for cheaters and their mistresses......they CHOSE to get themself into a situation where pain and heartbreak was inevitable...whereas, the poor spouse who's been cheated on...he or she had every RIGHT to expect fidelity.....and to NOT be betrayed.

 

I really wasn't trying to offer sympathy to the "other woman" in your husband's case. I was merely trying to point out to you that this stalker-like behavior shouldn't be too hard to understand (though I'm not saying you should have to DEAL with it)......

 

I wish you the very best, and I commend you for wanting to stick it out. I know today, that if I were married and in your shoes, after what I've dealt with in the past, I simply couldn't give a second chance. But that's just me.

[faux]

In some states, such as mine, you cannot get a restraining order on anyone unless you were in a dating relationship with the person, presently live with them, or are related to them. Definitely keep records of phone calls, drive by's, dates and times, anything said, notes, letters, voice mails/answering machine messages, everything... If she makes contact save it somehow.

 

You need to notify her directly that you wish her to leave you alone and have no further contact with you or your husband.

 

You can go to the police and discover what your options in this situation are. Stalking is usually confused with harrassment, and the police can tell you what laws she is violating when you speak to them.

[devastated]

---This is the husband

I know that what I did was the most terrible and devastating thing that could have happened to you and between us. This is my fault. I should have said NO from the start. I should have had the balls to tell this woman to stay away. And I should have stayed away. Once I made the mistake I should have confessed and ended it. Yes, I did tell her to leave me alone, stop calling me and driving by OUR home. But I didn't have the courage to enforce it the way that I should have. Until this came known to you I had never really cried before. I never really prayed before. I was on the outside a confident person but it was a lie. I was weak inside. I have never told you this before but the only strength that I have comes from you. You are the one who holds me up and I stabbed you in the back. I have to live with knowing that I hurt the most important person in my life. This has opened my eyes. I know that you love me and I know that I love you more than anyone. I want more than anything for you and God to forgive me and for you to be happy. I will work for the rest 0f time to repair your heart. I love you.

 

Mostest

[not buying it]

hmmm... something about the hubby's post scares me. I think it's the line about the only strength he has comes from her.

 

Ummm... how then will you get the strength to say NO the next time a woman hits on you?

 

WARNING WARNING WARNING

[fathead]

Hey anonomus poster, grow some, or back off the guy.

 

I have been talking to devastated most of the day today in my thread, and she has opened my eyes a bit more. See, she is the cheated on, and I was the cheater in my situation. But the things her husband wrote in this thread, well, I wish I could use words so well.

 

People can make mistakes and be sorry for them. And since he is not a serial affair guy, I believe him also. devastated is a big person for giving him the chance to make good on his word. I wish I could get my wife to.

 

Don't come in here un-registered and post something that may hurt someone's feelings, he stated his intentions, as I have for the world to see here on the web. That takes some balls. To admit you are wrong, takes some too.

 

Good luck to you two, and I look forward to more support from devastated.

[Debster]

BTW, that was me (Debster) as annonymous. I forget to log in and just started typing.

 

grow some or back off the guy

 

Excuse me? Grow some?

Warning bells should be going off when a guy says that he is weak and his strength comes from her. Surely devastated deserves a man with a backbone who is strong enough to be able to say no and stop the affair and the driving by, etc. Basically from his post, his defense seems to be that he was/is a weak man who lacked the backbone to not have an affair and then not stop it.

That is not good enough. He turned her world upside down AND it is still going on (with the ex calling and possibly being pregant). ALSO - it doesn't say anywhere if he still works with her. In order to avoid the same mess (or a mess with someone else) he needs to be strong and respect his wife and family.

 

I don't see anywhere that he is going through counselling or taking steps to help him gain strength etc... That would be a key to showing her that he is sincere in not only making amends to her and their relationship but to fixing himself so that he won't put himself in that situation again.

 

People need to be held accountable for their actions. Yes he admits that what he did was wrong and hurtful - however - devastated deserves a husband who will have learned from this and gained inner strength. I don't get this from his post.

 

Don't come in here un-registered and post something that may hurt someone's feelings, he stated his intentions, as I have for the world to see here on the web. That takes some balls. To admit you are wrong, takes some too.

 

You know what - my concern is not with HIS feelings. My concern is with Devastated feelings. She is the innocent one her. And I'm sorry, admitting you are wrong is NOT enough. It's very easy to say those words, or type them. What he needs to do is SHOW her through actions.

 

I'm thinking that this just struck a nerve with you fathead, because of your situation and that you are terrified that someone will tell your wife that she should leave you.

 

That doesn't sound like genuine concern for Devastated - at least not to me.

[fathead]

Hi Debster

 

Look, you are more then right that It struck a nerve with me. And I know that people HAVE told her to leave me.

 

Bottom line is, I am identifing with this guy. For one, because he put into words, something I have been trying to say. People can be weak Debster, there is no shame in that. Unfortunatly, he didn't realize it sooner. If he had, he may have not made the mistake.

 

I am not attacking here, but have you ever analyzed yourself? It is HARD, and ever harder if you don't like what you find. I did this, and it is not easy and it hurt when you don't like yourself. But you can try to change, which is what I am trying to do, and it appears that he is doing the same. That is a good thing to do. It is a positive step. There is no wrong in trying to change a short comming in yourself.

 

I would agree with your opinion if he said, I AM weak, I need you to BE strong. He is saying he WAS weak, and drew his strenght from her in the past tence. I seem to believe that he has the desire to change that. Since he mentioned it in theat statement as a personality flaw. Then to throw all that in, to say that he "stabbed her in the back" despite using her as a crutch all these years, further drives home the fact that he knows he is a complete and total a$$ for doing what he did.

 

People CAN change. I know this, because I know what is in MY heart.

 

About me being so harsh.

 

Sorry about that, I have been doing the forum thing for YEARS, although I am new here. I have yet to be a member of a forum that allows "guest" posting, and I simply thought it was some random person shaking a fragile tree. I am sorry for insulting you. One of my problems I am working through is jumping to conclusions, perhaps I will ask next time, or give the benifit of the doubt.

[Debster]

Yes, Fathead, I have analyzed myself. And no, don't worry. I didn't take it as an insult. I first came to this site a number of years ago when I had issues with self-esteem and was insecure in an old relationship.

 

After some sage advice from Tony and others from LoveShack, I realized I needed to fix things. And I did fix things. I got out of a dead-end relationship. I gained self-esteem and respect for myself. Now, I am proud of who I am and a lot of friends describe me as someone who is trustworthy, kind, loyal and has a firm grasp of what is right and wrong. I've learned what I value and need in a partner - and luckily I found him. I am happier than I have ever been in my life and we are getting married this summer and have bought a house. So - I know that sometimes the advice you receive on LS is not what you want to hear - BUT in can be the advice you NEED to hear.

 

I do know people can change and I respect and applaud them for that. I know it is not easy. That is why, although I do get the sense devastated's husband feels remorse and knows what he did was wrong. It is not enough. He needs to analyze himself and fix whatever caused him to put his family and wife that he loves in jeopardy. I don't get the sense from his post that he truly understands the role he needs to play in rebuilding his relationship. It is not just asking for and giving forgiveness - it is in changing oneself. It is not easy to do and you need to really set your sights on doing it.

 

I find that when someone cheats, they often say they will do anything to get their relationship back. However, while they are saying that they are also playing the 'poor me' violin - why won't she forgive me - I said I was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again - I miss my wife - I miss my family - I want my life back. What they fail to realize is that by having an affair their actions were selfish and the way to show how much you have changed is to NOT be selfish. Think about your partner's feeling first and shove yours to the side.

 

Not to be harsh on you too, fathead, but I think this is something you need to do as well in order to win back your wife.

[fathead]

Harsh, who cares about harsh?

 

I hear that all the time, but my I know my wife. I think she would be MORE pissed if I had "moved on". It would have showed that I did it, our marriage ended, and I am moving on to get me some new tail.

 

I am trying to do whats right. Being humble, and sorry is what I believe is right.

 

I don't know.

[Debster]

Well you do know your wife - however I know it would not be good enough for me.

In fact it would drive me away. Some women can move beyond an affair.

I don't even know if I would take someone back after they cheated. HOWEVER I know I would NEVER take them back unless they had:

1) ended all contact with the OW

2) the OW was completely out of our lives (ie no calls, no stalking, no drive-bys)

3) admitted to being wrong and was sorry

4) told me that he loved me and wanted to work on our relationship

5) open to me being extra insecure or checking up whenever I needed to until the trust was rebuilt - without making any comments!!

6) went to counselling to determine what made him disrepect our relationship

7) went to couples counselling to help repair our marriage

8) was open to his life being an open book - telling me where he was going, etc until the trust was rebuilt - without making any comments!!

9) swore that it would never happen again

10) got checked for all STDs

11) never made me feel blamed or stupid for his cheating

 

And I don't even know if all of this would be enough if he did it without a condom. To me, that is not only disrespecting our marriage and love - but also putting my life in jeopardy.

[devastated]

--This is Devastated's Husband

 

Debster - You are right about "taking actions". You did however make the assumption that I am just blowing hot air to show my remorse. Not true. I have tried to make EVERY action of mine one that will assure my wife that I love her and that our marriage will be repaired. Yes too, I am planning on getting outside help through counseling, through religion and communication with my wife. This doesn't happen overnight.

[Debster]

I'm glad to hear that you are showing her with actions.

 

However - if I was in her shoes - I would be questioning the fact that this affair was over by late March and now it is the end of April and you are only PLANNING on getting help through counselling and through religion.

 

I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like you've taken enough action.

[fathead]

Well, where does that put me?

 

My A was done in early/mid September, and I didn't admit it was happening until the end of december. At that time I went to chruch, I found a counsler, ect. Does that make me less sorry?

 

I was trying to make it go away, immature, yes, stupid, yes, but it doesn't make me any less sorry and commited to change.

[devastated]

I have known about the affair since the end of March and the last several weeks have been hell. When my husband came clean about the affair he immediately told his family which was pretty bad his family is extreamley religious and when he told them of the affair it was devastating.

 

He also gave me the phone number of the OW so that I could call her and get her side of the story which I did. To know the pain and repair that we have gone through, you just kind of have to be here and know the two of us. He obviously did not take the vows that we made to each other as serious as I did, and that hurts. I will have to live with the pain that HIS actions have caused every day and he is aware of this.

 

My husband never did anything to hurt me prior to the affair happening don't get me wrong we were not perfect but he was always very loving to me. When we got married I married him for better or worse and I take that very seriously, I wish that he had taken it as seriously as I did but there is nothing that I can do to change that.

 

The reason that I have decided to give him a second chance is because I believe in his sincerity to make things right. He is aware that I will not put up with any S*** ever again and that if he was to betray me again such as he has, he would be out the door so fast that he would not even have a chance to apologize.

 

The gaping wound that I have will take a very long time to heal if ever. I know this to be true but the thought of just giving up and cutting my loses and ending it now, to me would be even worse.

[ldyspain]

I'm devestated's sister-in-law .. which makes me the husband's sister. I will never in a million years defend what my brother did or justify it. But I will tell everyone this, he's trying his hardest to make up his infidelity to devestated.

 

He has broken all contact off with the OW, he either has devestated meet him at his work for lunch or he will come home for lunch. I know my brother will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to his wife.

 

The best thing that they need right now is family time together, and their family's support to work things out. Devestated's husband knows what he has as far as family goes and he seems willing enough to work things out and try to make it right.