Becks88 Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 My boyfriend of 2 years kissed another girl last weekend. A bunch of us were at his best friend's house, (whom we hadn't seen in months because of job re-location). It was a non-stop party all weekend long. (By the way, this friend is bad news, and it made me very happy when he moved away.) My boyfriend seems to still be in "college-mode" with his drinking, which is an on-going issue we have since I really don't drink at all. I don't think my boyfriend was sober all weekend. We went home together Friday night, but we didn't sleep long and we ended up right back at his friend's house in the morning. Normally this kind of behavior is not tolerated by me, and my boyfriend respects that. We have come a long way and have compromised a lot with the drinking issue. But for some reason this weekend I felt the urge to be the "cool girlfriend" by going home early Saturday night to leave the guys to party alone. The guys ended up going out to the bars later Saturday night...with two of my girlfriends. One of which is extremely untrustworthy and seems to always cause trouble in relationships. I don't know how she does it but she did it to just about every one of us in high school, and is apparently still the same way these days. Anyway, my boyfriend called me from the bar that night, like he always does. So after his phone call I was content and went to sleep. The next day I recieved a call from "the girl". She told me they had kissed that night after bar close before they all went home. She said she had to push him off of her and she feels that he has done this before, but said she could be wrong since she doesn't know him at all. She made him sound HORRIBLE and made herself sound as good as possible given the situation. I believed her entirely at first, but as I continued to think, I remembered all of the hurt and pain she has caused so many people, and the fact that she has cheated on every single one of her boyfriend's, and in fact just cheated on her current boyfriend with MY boyfriend. I know my boyfriend's never done this before. I have literally been with him just about everywhere through our entire relationship. He always invites me along and wants me with him in everything he does. He's truly wonderful to me and we have an amazing relationship. We just got back from a trip out of the country, we just talked about engagement plans with his parents, and the list goes on. He claims he knows it happened, but he can't give any details and does not understand why or how something like this could happen. He said he didn't know how to tell me since he doesn't remember much, it's all a blur; he doesn't even remember his drive home. Also, it was Easter, and we were together with both of our families that day. Not a good day to bring up such news to me. I was cursing the girl and everyone else involved, and my boyfriend said he only has himself to blame, and he is truly sorry. We cried together for a couple of days every time we talked. I was so sad because I felt he left me no choice but to end the relationship, when we had so many future plans together! I know the kiss meant nothing and I truly believe I mean the world to him. But I always told myself I would never be with someone who had cheated on me. I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and can't imagine my life without him. He told me he would do whatever it would take to keep us together, even if it meant quit drinking all together, or only drink when I am around. He's waiting for my decision. ANY ADVICE??? HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
Princessjesabell Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 I know all too much about this problem and I may be giving the wrong advice, But I say forgive and forget. Easier said then done Im sure, but this chick that he kissed sounds like a floosy and probably exzagerated the situation. If he's willing to go so far as to stop drinking then that will lead to stop hanging around the wrong crowd which most likely includes the floosy, you have him right where you want him! Time will let you forget the kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
becks88 Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Thanks for taking the time to read my situation! You gave great advice. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
wildturkey Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Drinking is the cause of many bad things. Talk to your bf and place the cards on the table as you want them. Just let him know how you feel. Kissing others when you have a sweetheart is not a good thing to do. It hurts people. I know how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 it's just a kiss, get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
kyndrad77 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Dork, I believe you are not the most sensative type, which makes me wonder why you are here. Are you in a lot of pain and want to lash out? I've seen a few of your posts and you have a bit of an abrasive edge. If it's 'just a kiss' to you, then maybe you are not ready fro anything serious, because a kiss is important. It is metaphorically an exchange of attraction between two people. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have absolutely no business kissing someone else, AT ALL. My advise would, however, be to forgive him, as long as you don't have a whisper in the back of your mind saying it will happen again. He probably is really sorry. We all make mistakes, right? Just stick to the rules this time about the drinking. I wonder if everyone here is emotionally challenged. That makes me wonder if all advise here is credible. Even my own... What is true is that we are all really good at seeing the causes and solutions to everyone elses problems, but seem to hit a brick wall when it comes to our own.... oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I don't really consider kissing "cheating". I don't think it's something to end a relationship over. I would take this as an indication that the two of you need to discuss boundaries and how he is to behave in certain situations. If you don't want him to kiss other woman be sure to explain that to him (no, it's not always a given). You may also want to discuss his future outings. If he isn't able to behave himself when he's consumed large amounts of alcohol then maybe he shouldn't do that if you're not with him. He has to take responsibility for what he's done, which it seems like he's doing, and he needs to give you some assurance that he will change his behavior so that it doesn't happen again. I wouldn't end this relationship over a kiss. It's an issue to be discussed, certainly, but it's not a relationship breaker. In my opinion.. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I think a kiss is cheating. There's different degrees of cheating for me though and kissing someone else is not that big a deal but it's still cheating. But anyways.. I don't think you should end the relationship over it. He was drunk, the girk was a 'floosy' and probably kept on bugging him and teasing him.. I think he's cried..he's suffered.. you do have him right where you want him. Forgive but don't forget. Tell him how you feel about his drinking and to look around at what it has caused him. Put your rules on the table and take him back. He sounds like he really loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
wildturkey Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 She needs to let her bf know how she feels. Maybe he beleives that kissing is ok. However, it is not ok in the relationship he is in and that activity hurts his gf whom evidently did not like it. I still think that you need to talk and let him know how you feel about that type of activity. And if you do not like it, do not tolerate it. But talk, you have to talk issues and not while you are upset. Be calm and collected and cover all the ground needed to make your point across. Good luck. PS... some people think it is ok to just kiss. I respect their position. I would not tolerate it. Not a reason to break up though. Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 Becks......you seem to be making a lot of excuses for your bf bad behavior! And you also talk a lot about his drinking. Do you not see the big red flag here? I do! I think you should really do some serious thinking here. You and the bf cried together? wow that just shows he is a good actor! Follow your instincts here and stop pushing them aside. Link to post Share on other sites
bxteach Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 the same situation happened to me four days ago. i have been a mess and my boyfriend has been a mess. he was at a work christmas party and after party that ended up being from 7 to 4:30. spouses and girlfriends are not invited. that said, he told me that at the end of the night he kissed another girl, and that it was a mistake. he was incredibly drunk-yes. but, considering we live together, and have discussed marriage, i feel like this is particularly bad. am i weak for talking it out with him and working through it? was it just a drunken lapse of judgment? we agreed to go to counseling together and i said that by doing that i am willing to give it a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted December 12, 2004 Share Posted December 12, 2004 am i weak for talking it out with him and working through it? was it just a drunken lapse of judgment? If you were to end an otherwise good relationship over your boyfriend kissing a girl I would say that you're melodramatic and unrealistic and probably not ready to be in a relationship. While I'm not excusing the behavior, I don't think it's something to end a relationship over. Having a mature and logical discussion on why he kissed her, what he will do to ensure it won't happen again and why it shouldn't happen again is the best approach. I'm not sure why you would consider this a weak approach on your part. Counseling seems a little extreme for this instance, but then it's your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
bxteach Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 thanks for your honest response. i used the term weak because i have always thought that i would take more of a stand and walk out, rather than sit and talk. of course, communication is the only way we CAN work through this... the counseling thing is because he has been going to counseling for other things and they have tackled his excessive drinking, etc., so we thought we would go together so that we can work these topics out together. you made me laugh, though, for the first time this weekend. yes, i think i might have been a little melodramatic. ha. thx for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Cabras Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 I've been the guy in this situation. I did not love her any less afterwords. It could be an indicator of other problems though. For me, I have realized that excessive alcohol can make me do things I would never want to do sober. I don't trust myself anymore if I am drinking like that. I have decided that if that is who I become when I drink too much then I don't want to put myself in that situation anymore. Is he willing to make sure that it doesn't happen again? Hopefully the counseling will point him that way. Not wanting it to happen wouldn't be enough in my situation. best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
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