thanks for any thoughts

[daveb]

I've Been married for 7 years... Love my wife very much.. And am extremely attracted to her still. Second marriage for both of us and there are teenage children from previous marriages. 1st minor issue: for the last 3 years we probably average sex once every 10 to 12 weeks. She will not discuss it talk about it even marriage counseling as she considers intimate talk "gross and disgusting" her words at the marriage counselor. Before you stereotype .. I sort of have a traditional female role in the marriage. I cook,? do all the laundry, take care of all the children. I never bring up the issue or infer a problem as this would cause more problems. 2nd larger issue: when we met, she had a very prominent style which is what attracted me to her in the first place. I've bought her clothes and jewelry but if I find anything attractive or sexy she vehemently refuses to wear or use it even if just in the bedroom. What doesn't make sense is that these styles are what she looked like when I met her. At times I think that if I found reading the bible sexy, she would actually turned atheist. ... my question is this: does it sound like she's content the way things are? Are all these things just control issues for her? She is on a low dose anti depressant but has been for about 12 years. I will not leave her and I will not stray, however I would like any opinions. Thanks. David

[RachelleB8080]

As far as the sex situation goes I think it's a problem. If you guys are only having sex once every few months there is something going on, how does she feel about herself is she insecure about something???? Cause that's what this all sounds like to me. She doesn't want to wear things that are sexy, not even only in the bedroom! She is not wanting sex. Idk I think she is very insecure and she doesn't feel sexy herself. Has she gained weight at all??? Do you compliment her still and tell her you are attracted to her??? Because those two things are the first two things that will cut at a womans security. No matter how uncomfortable it makes her feel. How "gross" she thinks it is I think its something you guys really need to discuss

[daveb]

Yes, I compliment her daily, but I do think insecurity is a problem because when I tell her how great she looks, smells, or appreciate the time she put into hair.....she usually makes a comment in disbelief. She probably gained less than 10 pounds in 7 years....it's really more of the thought that I could be aroused or even attracted to her is a big turn off...I don't think she's particularly happy with herself or in general...and, though she downplays it, I (typical male) feel like I should be able to make her happy.

[turnstone]

dave, I think you may be doing too much.

 

I used to go out with a guy many years ago who would compliment every five minutes it felt like. It left me with nowhere to improve, I was perfection it would seem the amount he praised me and thats really off-putting, especially when I knew I didn't look all that, it was like his compliments were just to get in my knickers, not because he really meant them. Too much of a good thing.

 

Now he was also very helpful round the house, and would do stuff for me all the time. It was great, except after a while it seemed that he thought I was helpless. That was also off-putting.

 

I think you need to quit trying to make her happy. Only she can do that. And by the same token, only you can make you happy, so don't look to her to do it for you.

[daveb]

Thanks so much. Very good advice about my inability to make anyone else happy. Hopefully her self image improves. At least to the level where we can actually discuss these topics

[jsb58]

I think you need to quit trying to make her happy. Only she can do that. And by the same token, only you can make you happy, so don't look to her to do it for you.

 

Yes! To answer your question, if you are in MC, then she obviously is not happy. However, there is a limit to what you can do to make her happy, and what she has to do for herself.

[Eve]

I think it important to be able to fully be ourselves within an intimate relationship such as marriage. Clearly you do love your wife but all in all, I would say that you need to assert your needs. I think maybe you need someone to say to you that his does not have to be something done in the style you have seen your wife do this.

 

I think you need to do some work on yourself OP to bring this side of yourself out more, or maybe just develop it.

 

I agree with whoever said that you are doing too much. However, my point would be more in tune with being able to sensitively assert that your effort is not being recognised, just usurped into the relationship, like it just should be there.

 

NOT GOOD.

 

.. I say this with caution though because some people are happy with this level of functioning and even though they say stuff about wanting things to change, really it would be too much effort to change/don't want to change themselves.

 

Ok, OP work on communication first and I would strongly advise that you see a Counsellor who is able to help you hear yourself and develop. Find one who matches your belief system as closely as possible.

 

From your post I feel that you are on the brink of a change but do not have support for your changes within this marriage.

 

My Hubby has so far been the only man who has been able to make me stop and listen to him fully, just by being himself. Find this aspect of yourself and you will be ok.

 

I hope this made some sense to you.

 

Take care,

Eve x