My Husband has told me he has feelings for another women

[debbie2408]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and been together for 18years, I have two children from a previous marriage that he has brought up as his own and we have a ten year old daughter together. We have had a very happy marriage up to about 4 years ago, we have had a lot of difficult times since then my husband lost his dad, and its just been one thing after the other but we have still had happy times together we have always been soul mates and very close friends and I honestly thought we would grow old together.

 

About three months ago I noticed a change in my husbands behavier and I thought to myself if I didn't no him better he is having an affair. While I was out at work my oldest daughter rang me to say there was a women in the house, and it turned out to be a mother from the school my youngest goes to, and as my husband was on school run that day he had decided to invite the women and her children all be it my daughters friends back to the house. She was there for a good 2 hours, having a cup of tea with my husband. This didn't sit right with me in my book, no married man should have another women back to the house when the wife is not there. so I asked him when I got home what was going on, and he told me they were only friends and I asked since when as I no nothing about it and she is not my friend all be it she smiles at me in the playground.. He didn't see nothing wrong in having a friend it turns out they had befriended each other on facebook about three months ago and were chating away late at night, and had exchanged phone no's...then my husband got all upset with tears running down his face told me he dosn't think he has any feelings for me and doesn't love me anymore! My heart is breaking I could not believe I was hearing him say these words to me. At this time I asked him if he had feelings for this other women and he said no, I asked my husband to not speak to her anymore so we could try and work on what has gone so wrong and he agreed that he wouldn't speak to her anymore. I suggested counciling together, we went and the counciler was really good and told us this does happen in a long relationships and feels that we did stand a change of sorting it out if we both want to, my husband then said to her that he just wanted out... he dosen't seem to no what he wants I have told him to go he says he has nowhere to go. He can't make his mind up what he wants, he said he is confused and his favorite word is I don't no! I've now become an obsessed women I check his phone when I can and he has deleted all calls so I asked him if he has spoken to her and he says no, I then said I need to no and I want to check his recent calls on line so I can at least have peace of mind that he is not speaking to her anymore. But low and behold he has been speaking to her 692 text message in one month, and has now changed her no to fall me and been texting each other all the time and speaking three or four times a day. I have also spoken to this women she says she thinks as him as a friend she has a boyfriend, has four kids all at school and thinks of him like a brother. I'm so confused.. I have now asked him again what he thinks of her and he now says he has feelings for her. I have told him I can't take anymore and I want him to leave, or I will. my kids are in pieces my youngest was crying so bad because she thought I was going to leave them. I just can't stand to be around him he makes me feel so angry at all the hurt he has caused and still says he doesn't no what he wants.

 

Please help me, I've not let him sleep in the same bed tonight as thats what he was doing as well, no there no sleeping together as he has also told me he doesn't fancy me anymore and doesn't find me attractive in any way to make me feel just a little bit better even after telling my friends that I am a beautiful women!

 

I still can't get my head around us not being together as its such a shock. For my familys sake I am still perpared to try and make it work. Any ideas......

[whichwayisup]

You are willing to make it work but HE isn't! Not now. He is far from letting go of this other woman. Is she married? If so, tell her husband what's been going on.

 

Until he proves to you that HE is worthy of a chance to fix things and work his ass off to repair the damage he's caused, KICK him out of the house. It'll be hard and painful, for you, for him and of course the kids..But, this is the only way to jolt him back into reality. He isn't thinking clearly at all, he's selfish and only thinking of himself. Let him live life for a while without you. Let him see how warped this fantasy of his with the other woman works out! It's one thing when you didn't know and he was able to do whatever he pleased, but now that you have a say in how things go, some control over what happens next, seriously, kick him out! And, tell him you're in the midst of speaking to a lawyer, considering divorce. That ought to make him crap himself!

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

Even if you have no intention of divorcing him, he doesn't need to know that. Sometimes FEAR of losing everything and suffering huge consquences can be enough to wake someone up. If and when he's truly apologetic and does counselling, willing to work with you, prove to you in every way he is ready to fix himself and the marriage, then consider letting him back. Until then, as hard as it'll be to do, get him out of the house. He will see you are strong and not going to put up with his cheating and lying, betraying, playing you for a fool... Standing up to him will make YOU feel strong and in control.

[2sunny]

i'd bet money he's already cheated.

 

i'm sad for you. dump him - you deserve better than that.

[Linda9999]

I agree - kick him to the curb. Look up the 180.

[2sure]

You say he doesnt know what he wants.

That he says he has no where to go.

That he is confused.

That he doesnt love you.

 

But he simply cannot stop communicating with OW.

 

Why on earth are you giving this over grown cry baby the power to make the decisions here??

Why is it now your job to take care of him??

 

He doesnt know what he wants?? Fine, until he does - you are no longer an option on the table.

 

He has no where to go?? You and the kids are staying in the house. Where he goes...he is a freaking grown man, figure at least this out bud.

 

He is confused?? OK, here ya go: Stop and fix this or divorce. This or That. Whats confusing?

 

He doesnt love you. OK, well you know what? He is not all that in your eyes right now either. And tell me, since WHEN does the lack of warm and fuzzy feelings or any other of life's issues get solved by involving someone else in family problems?

 

Oh, you need to stop asking questions.

[Lauriebell82]

i'd bet money he's already cheated.

 

i'm sad for you. dump him - you deserve better than that.

 

Unfortunately I agree with this. He lied about continuing to be in contact with her AND lied about having feelings for her. Who knows what else he has lied about! Tell him he needs to leave, who cares if he doesn't have anywhere to go, he'll find somewhere. He can't tell you he doesn't love you anymore and continue to have his little "happy family life." It doesn't work like that, and you need to tell him so.

 

You may be willing to work things out, but he is not. I'm sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.

[Woman In Blue]

First and foremost, why are you sharing such intimate marital details with your kids? Why are you dragging them into something that's private between you and your husband? I'll never figure out why people drag their kids into things that are NONE of their business. Stop doing it, number #1.

 

Secondly, stop allowing yourself to be nothing more than a welcome mat and a Holiday Inn for that jackass you married. I would imagine you're still cleaning his house, cooking his meals, doing his laundry and providing a home sweet home for him.

 

Boot his stupid ass out to the curb and let him fend for himself.

[MichiganDutch]

I don't think the situation is as simple as "dump him" depending on the personalities involved and a lot of additional situational information.

 

I saw my mother and father go through a very similar situation when they were in their late 30's after being together for nearly 20 years. His twin brother had died and things really went badly for a time there.

 

My father involved himself with a female co-worker. He'd never done anything like this before. He's an extreme introvert.

 

My mother wouldn't give up on him regardless of how many people and even how much her children told her that the best thing would be to let him go. I believe that my father eventually came to realize that he was in love with the idea of the "other woman" and not really in love with her.

 

My mother had to eat all of her pride. She had to prostrate herself before him and do everything short of beg him back into her life. I'm sure even now their relationship bears scars from this earlier period. It all depends on how much he means to you and how much you really want it. Is it worth the price?

 

I don't believe the price my mother paid was worth it, but then, maybe to her, it was. I do know, though, that my father, like his son (me), would've fled my mother like the plague and never came back if she'd turned him out. It's not in my personality and likely not in my father's to ever want to be in a place where you are felt to be unwanted. That's part of the reason I think it depends on the personalities involved.

[Afishwithabike]

I don't think the situation is as simple as "dump him" depending on the personalities involved and a lot of additional situational information.

 

I saw my mother and father go through a very similar situation when they were in their late 30's after being together for nearly 20 years. His twin brother had died and things really went badly for a time there.

 

My father involved himself with a female co-worker. He'd never done anything like this before. He's an extreme introvert.

 

My mother wouldn't give up on him regardless of how many people and even how much her children told her that the best thing would be to let him go. I believe that my father eventually came to realize that he was in love with the idea of the "other woman" and not really in love with her.

 

My mother had to eat all of her pride. She had to prostrate herself before him and do everything short of beg him back into her life. I'm sure even now their relationship bears scars from this earlier period. It all depends on how much he means to you and how much you really want it. Is it worth the price?

 

I don't believe the price my mother paid was worth it, but then, maybe to her, it was. I do know, though, that my father, like his son (me), would've fled my mother like the plague and never came back if she'd turned him out. It's not in my personality and likely not in my father's to ever want to be in a place where you are felt to be unwanted. That's part of the reason I think it depends on the personalities involved.

 

I don't understand this at all. Your mother who was cheated on had to do the begging. And if she hadn't begged, your father (and apparently you in a similar situation) wouldn't have gone back. Say what?!!!

That's terrible advice. I hope the original poster doesn't follow this advice.

The person who is betrayed shouldn't be prostrating him or herself begging the cheater to come back. It's the wayward spouse that has to beg and seek forgiveness. It's the one doing the cheating that's making the faithful spouse feel unwanted.

[PinkInTheLimo]

It's not in my personality and likely not in my father's to ever want to be in a place where you are felt to be unwanted. That's part of the reason I think it depends on the personalities involved.

 

I beg your pardon? You and your father could not bear to feel unwanted but how unwanted must your mother have felt? If your father would have felt unwanted, he would have deserved it. Losing a family member is no reason to cheat, I find this an easy excuse. Be sure that the marriage was never the same for your mother after this affair, and not in the good sense.

[MichiganDutch]

And I'm not saying it's advisable at all, but after all of it, and after her own children even telling her she should leave him, they remain married.

 

I believe that his brother passing away made him face some thoughts of his own mortality and forced him into a mid-life crisis. As far as I know, it's not been a repeated pattern in the 15 years since then. What worked out for her is not the path most people would choose. She received what she wanted by standing by him. In this instance, it was worth it to her.

[starryocean]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It really looks like he's having an affair. I would bet money on it actually. If they are texting each other multiple times a day?? I don't even do that daily with my girlfriends. And he admitted he had feelings for her. It's a very devastating situation, especially having children. (I sort of know b/c I also suspect my husband of cheating, just haven't caught him yet.) Anyway, I feel like the only way you could resolve it is if he absolutely NEVER speaks to her again. It seems like you've tried this already and it hasn't worked. I'm sorry again that u have to go through this.

[crazylove]

Ditto the above, i would also bet on him having an affair. This absolutely smacks of one of my ex's constant texts, changing of numbers so he could continue with the other woman. . . they definitely have started, and for your own sanity and your kids, i would recommend ending this. I'm sorry you have to go through this. . . be strong . . ((hugs)).

[Fool for Love]

I too am sorry for your situation. It sounds like your husband is in a fog. It's very likely that he isn't thinking realistically. I would do as one poster suggested and tell the OW's boyfriend about the goings-on between his girlfriend and your husband. If he is just infatuated with this immoral person, he might wise up and come back to you. But if you don't take a stand and respect yourself, he won't respect you either. I agree with the others that you should ask him to leave. Tell him to go stay with the OW!

Edited June 15, 2011 by Fool for Love
I left out a word.

[asthill]

I am a married man, and I am in love with my wife. You are not trash, or a piece of meat or a toy. If he does not want to cherish you as his wife, he needs to go. I cannot imagine the pain and heart wrenching trauma that you have gone through. You definitely deserve better than to be run over like a piece of trash.

 

He also had the balls to bring him into your home. Some other women would of take her and spanked the daylight out of her, and then called the cops on her or trespassing. You definitely deserve better than to be toyed with.

Evidently this joker does not care for you or the kids. How discouraging for your daughter to call and inform you that dad has a woman in the house. I do not care if it is a friend. All friends need to be cleared by you first, especially if it is the opposite sex. I am a minister also, and I understand that sometimes a marriage needs to be worked on. However, what is being displayed here is blatant dis-respect. Please get help from a Pastor, or leader or counselor so that you can get through this. Please pray also, and if you have it in your heart, and you still love him forgive him yes.

 

Also, unless he repents, turns away from the chick, stops all communication and denounces her 100%, then you may think about having him back as a husband. Please do not let him use you like this.

If you are a husband, and you and your wife is drifting please visit my sire. http://www.heatedrelationship.com

 

Pastor Adrian

[debbie2408]

Thanks so much for all your replies and good advise, I know I have to let him go. He has even told me now the other women says he can move in with him. I have been putting this off as my poor daughter age 10 goes to the same school as her kids and is in there class. And just don,t know how to deal with this. I am so struggling with the pain at night how long does the pain last and is the pain going to go away when he goes... I cant eat or sleep and every time I shut my eyes I see them together.. he still is saying he doesn't what to go! I know ive got to get the strength from somewhere! Do husbands regret what they have done and maybe come back? I know I shouldn't want him back. Maybe it will be too late and hopefully I have found happiness with someone who deserves my love.....Thanks for all the good advise.....

[frozensprouts]

pfffttt....sounds like your husband and mine both took a pagr from the same book.

 

he acted just like your did, said pretty much the same things, ended up movig in with her ( suddenly, two days later, they were in a relationship, when he had moved out they were "just friends")

 

 

I,like you, tried everything I could think of to make him change his mind. he waffled, moved back ad forth ,lied a lot, and finally i just had enough and told him to go and be with her as i had called a lawyer to find out about a divorce.

 

all of a sudden,he changed his mind. i told him i would be willing to give things one more try as log as we went to counseling, he stopped seeing her, etc..he did all those things and more.

 

that was two years ago. thing are much better now.

 

i am not saying that will happe for you, but you do need to let him know thatyou aren't going to put up with his crud any longer, and that you are taking the steps needed to look after yourself and your children. he needs to see that you can move on without him, and that you are serrious about it.

 

best of luck to you and yours, better days will come, even though it may not seem like it now

[debbie2408]

Thanks for you reply, what a nightmare you were in and im in at the moment... how long did your husband last with the other women? He has been living with her all be it only at night for nearly a week now. He has now said he still dosent no what he wants but doesnt like living with her, but still cant get rid of her. She has four kids all under the age of 11 so maybe that will change his mind.. he has even told me he cant see his self staying with her in the long term..as he doesn't do kids....and he thinks he has made a really bad mistake, he was besotted with her and isn't now so things are already changing and because he still works from our house he seems to be staying around longer and longer. Time will tell! I just hate the other women and what she has done to us as a family doesn't she not no that all men go back to there wifes in the end. He also has told me he is not perpared to give everything up for her as we well lose our house etc if I go though with the divorce so why not just let her go and see weather there is a chance for us? He also said he is so confused and dosen't no where is head is at the moment. He said he wants to be happy but taking on a women with four kids will not make him happy he does not even find time for his own kids how long do I have to wait before he wakes up!!!

[Zoe B]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

If you know truly, you were a great wife and he has feelings for someone else then you must be as blunt as possible. Tell him, confusion is not a option for him anymore and hes out of the picture with you.

 

Please understand that people either know what they want or dont. Dont fall in the confusion trap. its just a reason to allow him to continue with his shallow ways.

 

Your a great women and i know it sucks, but another man will appricate you and all that you do.

 

 

Always remember, that it isnt your fault.

[shadowofman]

Stuff happens. I remember when my ex girlfriend of 8 years told me that she had feelings for another man. My response was, "Cool. It happens. Your a human". And a shrug. I couldn't imagine why she pussy-footed around telling me. I should expect people to have feelings for other people at various points in their lives. Apparently that wasn't the "correct" response. It angered her. Humans act stupid sometimes.

[debbie2408]

I have discided to move on come what may, doing things for myself and kids. My husband still can't get the message he keeps turning up early in the morning,and staying as late as he can. so im having to go out as much as possible, I think the next move is to put the house on the market then he will be out the picture for good. And have to arrange to see the kids etc... The other women is so welcome to him and his mixed up head, he is no good for anyone. I just feel sorry for her poor kids. And what kind of a mother she is to them moving a stranger into her home after only knowing him 3 months, I think any women who has anything to do with a man who is married is just a real low life and deserves all the heartache she is going to bring on herself and her four kids. The funny thing is she also doesnt realise that I will only be able to get a small house for me and the youngest and the older two children will have to live with their Dad for a while till they find something of their own, As I think she telling him she wants to move and they could rent somewhere bigger together....how funny! All I say is good luck they can both have now the pain that im getting over! He has been playing us both for a fool. But ha no more, I feel happier I have made my descision and the funny thing is I have been getting some attention from a male friend, who tells me im stunning and beautiful inside and out any man would give their right arm to have someone like me I think its giving me the convidence I need to move on.

[Goldenspoon]

He also said he is so confused and dosen't no where is head is at the moment.!

 

Com'on, we all know where his head was and have been at.