this msg belong in this thread, plea for advice!

[Californiadoll]

Hello everyone, i'm new to the forum and I stumbled across this wonderful site by accident. My name is Jonnie and yes, I am a female. Anyways, I came to this forum for some help(duh). After pursuing many relationships, being cheated on, being abused, being taken advantage of, etc...I finally found the man of my dreams. Yay for me, right? Well, after being together for exactly 6 months, he lets me know that he needs some time. He was a real man about it. He drove over to my house which is about 45 minutes away, sat me down and told me the specific reasons he needed this.

 

He told me that we were supposed to be having fun now more than ever because we don't have any huge responsibilities together (bills, kids, etc). He said that he found himself being less and less happy in the relationship because I was constantly picking fights about stupid things and dramatizing little things. The day before he had told me all of this, we had went to the beach with one of his friends. He had been with his friend almost all weekend and I made my boyfriend promise that Sunday would be "us" day because it was the day before our 6 month and I would be too busy to do anything due to school. He agreed but somehow that idea went awry. I was dissappointed because I so badly wanted to be alone with him because he, like many guys, act slightly different when they're around their friends. I didn't make a big deal out of it until the day actually started. I told him that I was pissed because I thought it was going to be about me and him. He said he couldn't believe we were fighting again and that I was being "incredible". I felt bad about it and afterwards, I made sure all of us had a good time. It obviously wasn't good enough because he wanted to break up with me the next day.

 

I gave him back the promise ring he gave me, I gave him back the money he gave me for the gym I so badly wanted to join, I gave him back the cd he made me with the song he recorded for me on it. he said he didn't want to close any doors and I was the one closing them all. But he did say he made too many promises too soon to me. he said he's lost and confused and thinks time is the best thing that I could give him. This hurt me more than I had ever been hurt before because we talked about marriage and even chatted about what we would name our 3 kids. His family became mine and mine became his. We were so close but yet this all seemed so abrupt. I love him more than I love my greatest passions in life.

 

My mother called him the day after this had all happened and they spoke. He said one of the number one main reasons for this time was for me to learn to love myself. He said was so tired of reassuring me constantly that I was beautiful and that he loved me. I was always letting everyone know how fat I thought I was and how disgusted I was with myself. It hurt him to hear me say these things. Another reason was that I was so domineering. I wouldn't let him be "the man". He said he still has hope in us but he just needs a little time. I think he's going through a lot because he just turned 18 and i'm turning 20 next month. We broke up on Monday and it's now Thursday. No contact, no phone call, no email, no nothing. I'm having a really hard time with this and I want him back so much. I realize my mistakes. Can anyone with a heart please give me advice for my bleeding one? Thank you for reading this really long plea.

[HokeyReligions]

Sounds to me like he is doing the smart thing. Saying that you realize your mistakes doesn't change them. You DO need to love yourself and stop putting yourself down. That is easier said than done if you are suffering from depression. It almost sounds like you are flirting with codependency.

 

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

http://www.nmha.org/ccd/index.cfm

 

Take the break and work on yourself. That is the best thing you can do for both of you. You will be amazed at how wonderful your relationships will be when you feel better about yourself.

[Just Visiting]

Wow...for a guy who is only 18 years old, he is behaving in a mature manner. From what you have posted, he is right, you are not loving yourself. You have the age advantage (20 years old) in learning that sooner than later. I am 33 years old and just realizing that I need to love myself more. I had to learn it through a lot of heartbreak.

 

Perhaps it is a good idea to email and thank him for being open and honest with you. After that, take time to learn things about yourself, and what you can share with others. What has helped me so far is talking to close friends and family members, scouring books and the internet on relationships, self-esteem, spirituality, and going to the gym. I also went for counselling which helped me realize how I punish myself from things that have happened in the past.

 

I am sure it hasn't been an easy decision for him to make. And this is a great opportunity to deal with your issues. Better now than later. Take care and I wish you the best.

[Californiadoll]

Thank you so much for your responses. He was a mature person when I first met him and that hasn't burnt out yet. Ever since it was brought to my attention what I needed to work on, such as building more self-esteem, loving myself and so on, I have been researching so much on the internet, through books and so on. Today, i'm joining the gym that I've been wanting to...with my own money. I understand what I need to do.

[Becks84]

Everyone's right. You must love yourself to love someone else and to be loved .

 

Good for you for really thinking about and realizing what you should be doing, and actually beginning to do it. Hopefully he will see that you are taking his concerns to heart.

 

All you can do is thank him for his honesty and tell him, if you havent yet, how you feel one last time, but not in a nagging sort of way, not begging for him back. But dont do this more than once. It's all you can do for now.

 

He will make his own decision. I dont think you will have much influence on him right now. As the old saying goes: "If you love someone, set them free. If it's meant to be, they will come back to you."

 

YOu seem like a great person, and now you need to realize it about yourself. Best of luck to you and I hope he comes around. Only time can tell! Keep on reading, seeking help, exercising, and look to your faith for comfort if you practice any!

 

~Becks

[tom_gbr]

"You must love yourself to love someone else and to be loved "

 

i think this is one of the reasons why my girlfriend finished our relationship...she was suffering from slight depression and i dont think that she loved who she was at all.

 

i really couldnt understand it though why she would think this.....she is beautiful, clever, popular, funny and had an amazing figure....i thought i was so lucky to have her in my life

 

she always kept saying to me that i could do better. i know that i loved her more than she loved me....i did everything i could to make her happy...if you have read my threads you can tell.

 

its been two months now....i still love her loads and i cant stop thinking about her.

 

when she broke it off she said she needed to be single to sort herself out and everything that has happened in her life...i didnt take it well as she said that she loved me as well.

 

im trying to give her as much space as i can without making myself much worse...im going to phone her tommorow to find out how her easter was and to tell her about my new job and stuff

 

wish me luck!

[Californiadoll]

*sigh*...god you guys, so much has happened since I posted the first post. It's now the 22nd of April and my ex and I broke up the 12th, exactly 6 months into our relationship. Now, I know that may not seem like a whole lot compared to some of you who have been engaged and what not but you have to understand, the man gave me a promise ring (signifying that he promised to marry me), we talked about having 3 children together (and even named them all), we talked about where we would live, where our wedding would be, etc. Sounds like a pretty solid relationship right? Well, 2 days ago ( a week after he said he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore), he came over to my house saying that he wanted me to take his name off from under my contract, (yes, we even got cell phones together). He came to pick me up (he insisted) and so we got there 15 minutes before the place closed. It was packed. As we were standing in line, a flush of things went through my head. On the way to the store, he was blasting the music, playing air drums, singing along to the songs (New Found Glory...gawd ) and acting like everything was fine! He was so extremely happy! Happier than I'd ever seen him before. Anyways, I found myself starting to cry in line at the Sprint store. Every time I would tear up, I'd excuse myself and go outside to wipe the tears away. I'd come back and do it again. I tried not to make a scene but as god as my witness, I tried so hard.

 

When I would come back, he'd ask if everything was okay and I said yes. Everything was fine. And he said that we didn't have to do this right now. I said we had to do it but after a little debate, we ended up leaving the store. He said he wanted to take me out to dinner so we went to our favorite restaurant in town. As the night went on, we talked and talked about what had been going on and what was going on and what was to go on with us. I asked him why he was so happy only a week after he broke up with someone he supposedly was madly in love with. He said he hadn't felt like himself in so long. Now he finally feels like himself. But get this...The guy just turned 18 last month, just got the truck he'd been saving up for a year, just got his license AND joined a band, something he's been wanting to do eversince his old band broke up. These were all things we dreamed of doing together. Before he got his truck, I would constantly drive 45 minutes every day just to see him and my car is NOT in good shape. I even encouraged him to join a new band and told him I would support him when he did. Anyways, he's doing and has everything he's wanted for so long and I wanted to be with him when these dreams came true.

 

I told him I knew that I had the capabilities to make him happy again but he told me I had to be happy first. He said he didn't want to close any doors with us but he did say that neither one of us should close the doors to other opportunities. He told me has hope in us but for me not to expect anything. He said "expect the unexpected, be prepared for being unprepared." He says he knows I want to be with him and he said to be honest he wants to be with me but we just can't right now because we have to focus on ourselves. Meanwhile, with every word he said, my heart cracked more and more straight down the middle. I dont' understand it! Why am I completely heart broken, start crying every morning when I wake up, every night when I go to sleep, every afternoon when I get home from work....and he seems so happy! How could someone ever so in "love" with me be over things in a week!? I feel pathetic and like a major loser. He also said that the only way we could be together is if I put us aside in the mean time, work on myself and then maybe later on down the road, we might end up together again. He also said, if it's meant to be, it will be and he has full faith in that.

 

Now i'm not sure if he's so wrapped up in the all the newness of his independence and THAT's why he's so happy or is it because he truly is glad to be free of me? I'm so sad and i'm trying my hardest to swallow us. Meanwhile, I am working on myself very much and feel better compared to last week. I believe im well on my way to building a genuine love for myself but I can't help but truly miss him. Please help someone. I can't go one day without crying.